iShowed Up
by redvelvetjade
Summary: Sometimes The Hardest Challenges Can Define Who We Are And Who We Are Meant To Be How We Handle Them And How Our Friends Handle Them Will They Be True Or Will They Let Ya Down  ..Sometimes The Most Important Gift We Can Give Someone Is Showing Up.Rated M
1. Chapter 1 Intro

**iShowed Up**

**A/N so this is my first iCarly fanfic it will be told in a few different pov's this chapter will be third person so as not to give away who it is hehe...would love some reviews they make me smile ..as opposed to my job which makes me want to cry :{ so do I own iCarly? Well according to the local police department it's illegal to steal and last I checked I wasn't a 40 year old male from La...so yea still not owning :{ Enjoy my little iCarly fanatics. **

Life flashes by seconds tick into into minutes hours into days weeks into months which becomes years. Sometimes you feel like your standing on the edge with no way to look but down. That no matter how hard you try to rise above it all the currents will always rise up and sweep you up pulling you down.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird I could just spread my wings and let the winds take me away high above it all. Above all the pain and suffering of this world , sure I would be sad to leave her behind I mean she was the person who understood me the one who I always ran to when Chiz became too hard she was the one who I always sought comfort from day in day out, the one I waited patiently for in the back round while she loved another I played the part of her goofy best friend long before we ever met.

It's hard to sit idyll by when your a teenager with hormones and a heart so full of love lust longing desire knowing she'll never love you back. At least not in the same way you have loved her praying hoping that just once she'll see the need in your eyes and reciprocate but it never comes and each day your hope gets dashed till your heart becomes so numb and so hardened by life's cruelty that you just can't take it anymore. You realize that after your gone no one will miss you her life will a lot easier when your gone she won't have you to worry about. So you grab a water bottle and wash down some of those little helpers Rip off Rodney gave to you. Your not thinking rationally when you grab the 48 revolver your minds a bit fuzzy between the helpers and the Ecstasy , the tequila your legs are a bit sore as you climb on top of the bridge the traffic is whizzing by down below you can feel the metal shaking and groaning from the speed. Their like toys from this high up they almost don't look real but they are you can feel the wind from them whipping by. You see your life flashing by as you stand on the edge your fingers gripping so tight their turning a scary shade of white there's a tight pain in your head as the memories of the 3 of you go by good times bad times your numb your not thinking about what you are going to do you can't think cause then you might chicken out and your sick of being a chicken.

Swallow don't look down it won't hurt think about the freedom spreading your wings flying high above it all. 1...2 slowly you inch above your fingers are cramped and sore a bit bloody your feeling sick..tears blind you your face burns and your sweating ..your ears are pounding and the rush of traffic grows mute ...you take one hand away from the curb and lift your hand up the gun is cold against your sore fingers you wrap your finger around the trigger take a deep breath it's now or never ''Pop" pain blinds you...your legs start to give way ..your rushing..falling...a scream calls out..but it's too late..

Your Fate Is Sealed...


	2. Chapter 2 Welcome Back

**Welcome Back**

**Freddie's p o v**

10 weeks , 90720 minutes 6048000 seconds two and a half months that's how long she's been gone . Every Second she was gone felt like my heart was being ripped into shreds. I tried to tell myself to calm down but how could I? It wasn't as if I could tell my heart to stop beating or to tell my heart who it can love. I mean it's a heart you need it to breath without the heart beating you can't breath well that's how it felt for me not having her here all summer in my life like I was suffocating .

I spent all summer just trying to to find ways to not be so totally head over heals about her. I mean I have loved her for so long and she has rejected me every time sure there was a brief shining moment when I was hit by that wonderful taco truck and saved her life where she thought she was in love with me. I remember how her lips felt so soft and so inviting. She tasted like coconuts and I swear I have never loved that fruit more. Her hair was so soft as I had ran my hands through it it smelled like strawberries. She had kissed me and I had been speechless. I still was long after she had broken up with me claiming she was never really in love with me just what I did. She that She Devil had poisoned my beautiful , smart, funny caring, perfect girlfriend against me. She would pay I was sure of that as sure as I was after all this time had passed. I was still madly and deeply in love with her...I had faced the facts over the past summer . I tried everything Boot Camp With Mom for Aggressive Parents and their children, Yea that was real fun. I worked on a history project for extra credit for this coming school year. I made up math cards to tutor kids. I even got a job sure it paid badly but the hours I was working. I wasn't thinking about her. I went to the Gym to lift weights , I joined a club at the library for young Av Geniuses. Nothing worked for very long sure I would be heavily involved in something for a few minutes but then Bam it would hit me her laugh , her smile her scent and I would be back to where I started. The very question would still be there to tell her or not to tell her? Risk it all or keep quite and keep her close. She had moved on dated other guys she told me all the time she didn't love me like that, yet I still dreamed...I let out a aggravated groan as I fell back on to the Shay's couch it was so empty in this apartment without her and Spencer. Quite Too quite it gave me to much time to think which was dangerous cause then I would let myself drift to those places in my mind where it shouldn't go.

Places where there were no obstacles that prevented us from being together . I saw us walking holding hands as we watched the waves crash along the ocean ... I saw us as king and queen of our home coming which was this year ...I saw us in Paris on our honeymoon kissing under the Eiffel Tower

Stop it Freddie I scolded myself these fantasies were ridicules they could never be I mean she only liked me as a friend. How could I get her to see me differently? We had talked nearly everyday on the phone and she had never hinted that we could be anything more. Sure she was a bit more flirty but she was probably just bored there isn't much that passes for Excitement up in great old Yakima.

At least I thought so but she's so shy what if she was trying to hint that she wanted to be more and just didn't know how? Was she waiting for me to make the first move? I had been quiet all summer as I went through it all in my mind the great list of reasons for my dilemma ..List one..

**Carly Shay Will Never Love Me Because**

# 1 She thinks it would ruin our friendship if we broke up

#2 iCarly is too important to mess up if we break up

#3 She's hot and I am a geek

#4 She Thinks of me as A little Brother

#5 She scared of my mom

#6 Carly doesn't like repeating mistakes

And she views us dating as a mistake

#7 I'm a Av loser

#8 I'm a dork who prefers to spend time studying instead of partying

#9 She likes to party

#10 I'm a chicken

#11 She's Hot!

**List of Reasons Why Carly Shay Will Love Me**

**#**1 I will treat her right and Never lie to her

#2 I will never make her cry

#3 I don't collect pee wee babies

#4 I lift weights so I am stronger and I have matured

#5 I'm scared of my mom to

#6 I care about what she likes

Yea this was not going so well I had a whole list of reasons as to why she Wouldn't love me and 6 pathetic reasons as to why she could love me.

"_Yo ho Gibster in the house!_

I turned from my nice comfort spot on the couch where I was scrunched up to see Gibby Gibson come in shirtless juggling fruit singing one of Carly's new songs ..Did I mention in addition to be gorgeous sweet and smart she's super talented she sings and she dances and writes her own songs. Well she is and she does.. he was singing High Maintenance as he juggled oranges and bananas which he was catching more in his mouth eating then in his hands.

_Hey Gibby How Goes it? _

I replied lazy he shrugged as he bee lined for the computer

_It's hot and I'm hungry when are they coming home Freddie?_

_Should be anytime now I think Spencer called a little over an hour ago and said that.._

_Were Home!_

As on Cue they walked through the door well Carly walked through with her cell glued to her ear as Spencer stumbled through dragging 6 suitcases with him. It was a sight let me tell you. I went over to help him as Carly muttered about someone not answering her calls. She sounded annoyed she looked so cute when she was annoyed.

_Carly ! Spencer! _

We called out he grunted a hello as he stumbled in breathless dropped the bags and announced he was going to go paint mud sculptures naked . We groaned as Carly threw her phone down on the sofa annoyed .

_Ah I hate when people don't answer it's so rude!_

Carly Exclaimed as she threw herself down on the sofa

_No one should ever be rude to you Goddess Shay _

Yea Real Mature huh? I grew up soo much this summer.. Not.. but she giggled I sat down by her and couldn't help but stare as she stretched out her gorgeous way tanned lags . I think she grew a few inches over the summer. I was glad to see she didn't roll her eyes as I felt my face flush. I wanted to tell her so bad but not with Gibby there singing I am a Barbie Girl.. besides she looked tired as she laid her head back. I just wanted to reach over and brush her hair out of her eyes ..those gorgeous hazel eyes that make me sink deeper every time I lock my Chestnut Colored ones with hers. I sighed as I was transfixed by her.

Her hair was a lighter shade of Auburn now almost with a blond tint. She must of really soaked up the sun this summer. Her calf's looked thicker. I watched as her chest rose up and down she looked like she was sleeping. I reached up slowly be brave Freddie you can do this moving closer to her slowly my hand inched closer to her hair. I just wanted to feel it between my fingertips..I was so close..

_Freak what are you doing? _

Curse Gibby I muttered as I froze and her eyes shot open she looked around confused sleepy eyed . I quickly went back to where I was before trying to look innocent as Gibby gave me a disgusted look.

Carly looked around stretching...damn her arms looked so soft I just wanted to have them wrap around me so I could hold her in my arms forever and ever.

_So what did everyone do this summer? _

She asked as she shifted a yawn.. Gibby was busy looking at some website as he answered between bites of fruit which made his answer sound jumbled but I gathered it was.

_Dorney Park and Wild Water Kingdom _

_All Summer_ _Gibby that's expensive _

_I know your mom won't let you get a season pass? _

Carly looked at him as he spoke

_Hey what can I say I'm irresistible _

_Please He's Dating the head of security's daughter _

_Hey Don't Knock it Carls it works_

_Don't call her that !_

I growled at him he dropped his Apple which went splat on her kitchen tiles she looked at me strange ..

_Sorry Gibby _

_Hey man no problem I'll just be way over here..._

_Please warn me if I start to say_

_Something to piss off the Pussy Cat Roar..._

_Shut up I am not a pussy cat..._ I grumbled arms crossed staring at him.

_What is with you Freddie? _

Her eyes held such worry and I just wanted to stand up grab her and wrap my arms around her and shout ..

_What's wrong? _

_Are you for real? _

_I'm In Love With You Carly Shay! I want to marry you and have babies with you!_

Instead I shrugged which didn't seem to satisfy her I felt myself squirm..

_Freddie Did Sam do something to you it's okay you don't have to be embarrassed you can tell me I won't laugh.._

She touched my arm lightly which made my whole body tingle she leaned over to me. I could smell her black cherry perfume damn it was driven me nuts and damn I could feel myself down there getting excited. Please don't show I begged silently.

I shock my head unable to form proper words she kept asking, I kept not answering..Finally I was ready to burst literally. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom..my pants were getting tighter from just being near her..safety in the bathroom. She had no idea what she did to me ..No idea..at all and I wanted her to know ..Well maybe not everything.

Once I was calmer I sank to the floor burying my head in my knees. I was shaking so hard and I was so red damn I felt so stupid so weak. Why couldn't I just tell her? Oh yeah cause she could end up hating me and I would lose her..duh.

_Freddie? _

_Ah!_

She was waiting for me as I came out making me jump and scream like a girl great bonus points for me She took my hand if she had any idea what that hand had been doing oh..heck that was beyond mortifying.

_What's wrong? You can tell me are you okay?_

She was pressed against me so hard I could fell her heart beating. I could smell her she was intoxicating I felt myself shaking as I swallowed.

_It's just that I wanted _

Tell her ! My mind screamed looking into her eyes I felt myself drawn to her..

_Did You and Sam fight this summer? Did you do something to piss her off and your scared I'll be mad?_

_No..Not really um I didn't really see her a lot.._

_Why Did you say something?_

_No I mean..I just didn't hear from her..._

Liar! My mind screamed...

_I haven't heard from her either I'm really worried Freddie she called me everyday like three or four times when I first left I mean we were texting so much Grandad took my phone for a week._

_When I got it back she wouldn't answer I hope she's not pissed at me.._

Her lips pouted she looked so adorable and so sad I hated for her to be sad. I should just tell her but then she'll know what a awful person I am and she'll hate me..still I should tell her if she hears it from me maybe she'll forgive me but if she hears it from someone else.

_I hope she's okay it was so lonely without her this summer god I hate when I get dragged away_

_I just turned 17! _

_I shouldn't have to be forced to go to Yakima if I don't want to..I mean I love my grandparents but I wanted to chill now I only have three days till school starts yuck.._

She pouted I felt her hands sweaty in mine I knew she was nervous I wanted to calm her down so bad my legs shock.

_How was your summer are you sure your okay you can talk to me Fredd.._

She was rambling so I did the only thing I could I kissed her hard and long she was shocked and speechless but she didn't fight me. I wrapped my arms around her she held me back as our lips caressed each others mouths.

We parted both of us breathless as we stared at each other . I didn't want to apologize but she looked so shocked . I started to feel scared did she think I was too pushy? Did she hate it ? Think I was a bad kisser? Was it strange to her?

_Carly.. I ..wow I am.._

_Freddie We need to talk...I'm.._

_I need a drink.._

She spun and ran to the kitchen Damn I hope I didn't make her cry.. Stupid, Stupid geek...

I slowly headed to the kitchen Gibby looked between us he could tell something happened..

_You look like a Dudgeon Dragon _

_What did you do Freddie?_

_Shut up Gibby_

_Don't be mean to Gibby_

She barked her hands shaking as she held her glass of lemonade she didn't offer me any but she pushed the pitcher to Gibby who drowned the whole thing.

_I wish Sam was here Damn it where is she!_

_Why hasn't anybody heard from her!_

She slammed down her glass Gibby looked scared as the glass shattered cutting her hands.. I went to race forward she pushed me away a few tears came forward...

_What do you mean no one's heard from Her?_

_Freddie has.._

_Shut it Gibby_

_No I won't Didn't You tell her!_

_Tell me what? _

She was getting pissed her face red..shaking..

_Why isn't Sam here?_

_She Can't be She's been locked up since Late June_

_SHE'S WHAT!_

Gibby backed up holding his hands up..

_The police caught her car jacking and running away_

_Cross State lines...They uh chased her on the highway and She _

_Beat a cop up..they uh...Yea she's locked down.._

_She Called Freddie to Get in touch with you.._

_SHE WHAT! _

_YOU DIDN'T TELL ME_

_**You Lied to me**!_

_SPENCER!_

_Get Out here **Now****!**_

_What!_

He ran out naked covered in mud we all screamed he looked at us looked down and screamed and ran back to his room, she fixed her gaze on me and I ran screaming like a girl.


	3. Chapter 3 Facades Part One

**Facades**

**Sam's p o v**

Tuesday 2:38 am

_From the time I was a little Girl_

_She was the only one who believed in me_

_When everyone else was ready to throw da book at me_

_She was the one standing in the crowd Cheering my name_

_Screaming I was the next big thing_

_Before the awards and the Praise she was the one who kept_

_Me sane she was my quiet strength in a sea of unfulfilled rage_

_I can't pin point _

_Where or when I lost my way _

_I stopped hearing her Warnings_

_I see her crying at night when she thinks I am long asleep_

_I want to protect her from this life I am living this path that has chosen me_

_I try to be strong and put on a facade so she doesn't know how much it hurts_

_To live this life play the tough girl the one who's a bully and shows no fears_

_Allows no tears_

_Sometimes thou Dear Lord it's just so hard to be the one who never fears_

_Cause at night when I am alone all the fear comes alive and threatens to tear me in two_

_How am I suppose to do this on my own? _

_No momma around _

_Daddy long lost in the Prison System _

_Give me the strength to get through anotha day_

_Let me get ready place on my Facade_

I lay still on my cot hearing the sounds around me my cell mate Laura Jefferson was asleep her snores filled the room which was otherwise silent, it was perfect for me to do my writing even if it was all in my head since we weren't allowed pencils or pens or paper anything could and is used as a weapon around here. I looked up at the window, I was blessed and cursed I was one of the few that had a cell with a window view sure the window was heavily coated in barb wire and metal bars but I could still see which was a blessing because. I got to see a world beyond wires, metal, old cots and walls..but it was a curse to cause it was a reminder of what I was missing and what I could be doing if I wasn't locked up again. My bladder was ready to burst but it was impossible to get a guard to let me out to piss they were ruthless with me. I was a bad girl a HRO one they felt needed to be taught a lesson so they loved to make a example of me well screw them no one and I mean No One messes with Sam Puckett...but it would be a long time till morning. I watched the stars as a way to distract myself from the growing pressure down below. I didn't dare move to a different position for fear of the pain that would shot from my broken rips. Curiosity of the police department when they caught me and threw me to the ground.

The stars looked so beautiful and I wondered where they went when they left their position in the night time skies what adventures did they go on? What stories could they tell? They had to know more then what they show they look so innocent up there twinkling and shining. But was it just a mask they wore?

We all have them right?

Being locked up gives you time to think I mean really think about what your doing in this life why were you put here? Why did your parents even have you if they didn't want you? Why did god let you live everyday in pain and suffering? What was it all worth? Was there a better life waiting for you in a few years? Why did some people get it so easy they had money , power, fame they had beauty they had love. Love it's a complicated word it's so easily used thrown around like a used toy that's played with viciously when you first get it and then discorded when a newer fancier one comes along. Think about it how many times a day do you hear that phrase?

I love my new book bag

I love my new hairstyle

I love this new show

I love that actor

But really do we lose the real meaning of the word I mean the word couldn't of been invented to be used so freely. Wasn't love suppose to be sacred and pure didn't god mean for it to be used when you were saying it to the one who you were meant to spend the rest of your life with?

The rest of my life..where was that heading? I didn't even know if I had the rest of my life to live for. What was going to happen to me? What was the judge planning on doing? If I said I wasn't scared that would be a facade. Because I was it scared the Chiz outta me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my youth trapped up in a 10 by 12 cell with no real company except inmates who either wanted me dead or feared me. Sure the smell of their fear was invigorating at first but after a few hours it got old. I wanted, I craved real friendship. Friendship with some one who knew me inside and out who knew what I wanted to say before I said it who could predict what I was going to do before I did it. Friendship that I could get angry and yell or punch and I wasn't judged or handcuffed sure I was scolded but then I was held and taken care of ...that's what made my relationship with Carly so amazing she never judged me she accepted me and she listened to me. She showed me what real love is all the time but I had to forget about her now. It pained me to do so I loved her so much more then anyone could know she wasn't just my best friend she is my sister and my soul mate .

I use to feel she felt the same way but it's been two months since I was locked up two months since I called Freddie for help and she never came . Did I go to far this time? Did she give up on me? My head was hurting .Why wouldn't she come to see me? To bail me out? Did she even want me in her life now?

Carly always came whenever I called she was always mad that I got busted again that I did something bad she hated when I broke the law. I always got a lecture and a scolding but in the end she always hugged me and told me she loved me and she believed in me. Did she stop believing in me now? If that was true what would it mean for us? For icarly?

If she stopped believing in me she had to know what it would do to me. It would kill me is what would happen.

Sighing I looked to the sky damn my stomach was killing me I could feel my inside swimming. I needed something to piss in bad. No one could ever know what Juvie was like without being in it..it's no wonder inmates grab towels to piss on and shove them in the corner but I could never do that I had standards . Slowly I tried to cross my legs but even that slow motion caused pain to rip through my upper chest almost causing me to lose control of my bladder. I cussed as I tried not to let the tears well up.

Deep breath I told myself as I stared at the stars I saw one that was almost blinking at me I tried to imagine what it's secrets were ..what life she lead.

I bet she was happy I bet she had parents who loved her and took care of her who made sure she had food ..What do stars eat? If they were smart Ham ..What I wouldn't kill for some ham now.. I bet she had a sister who she whispered to at night as they lay giggling in the Morning light as they went to sleep.

My eye lids felt heavy as I lay there but I wouldn't let myself sleep cause that was dangerous here when you were asleep you were defenseless and anyone could get to you ..Not to mention anyone could jack your Chiz. No One was going to jack my Stuff or get to me... out of all the times I have been in Juvie No one has ever gotten to me.

I had to stay wake I had to keep my mind going deep breath Puckett what could I think about? Getting out ..What I would do with my life when I was released? I had dreams and plans for my life I had to think of ways to get towards them. Carly would say pay attention in school and study hard but that just wasn't me I hated school and I hated being told what to do. I had to get to my goals other ways.

Shivering I held my arms close to me the thin blanket they gave us did nothing to stop the serve chills that ran ramped through my body every night. I couldn't wait till the day that I was able to sleep in a real bed with real covers.

My head was hurting so bad I wanted pills to relive it but that wasn't allowed my stomach hurt and I wanted food. I wanted out they didn't give you enough food around here.

What day was it? I couldn't even remember I knew it had to be months since I was locked up I wanted to see sunlight ..why couldn't they just let you out? Even for a few Hours beyond a guarded gate..Just to feel the sun on my skin the warmth of nature and the kiss of daylight. Instead of the cold rusty piss smelling darkness of this lonely cell.

_I wanna break free I wanna fly with those Twinkling beauties out in the _

_Black sky into the darkness mask of night covering me_

_There's so much to me that no one knows_

_I have many sides to me_

_How I am feeling is what sets the course for my actions_

_Right now I am angry , I am depressed_

_How can I make my life count for something?_

_I try to do right and follow what they say_

_Go to school study hard but A.D.D takes over me_

_I'm restless I'm nervous , I feel the compulsion to do bad things_

_Who can set me straight what's straight anyway?_

_What's abnormal to you is normal in my world_

_If I tell you I am fine if I look you in the eye and smile_

_Would you believe me or see past the facade I wear to hide_

_Pain too deep , pain that flows right throu me_

_Like a ragging river there's a denial as I smile and laugh_

_I say I am fine but damn it can't you see it's just a mask a cover_

_So I can maintain _

_I wanna be like those stars they shine so bright_

_Potential at it's peak when life was full of promises and dreams _

_Dreams so sweet before the streets beat me wit true reality_

_How can you judge me without knowing me without seeing in my soul?_

_You think it's easy to be me? Have you ever walked in my shoes_

_Saw what I saw heard the angry harsh words of a drunk mother_

_Reminding me of her worst mistake everyday?_

_Sometimes it's just so hard to breath without a reason to believe_

_Fighting with every ounce of everything to stay above _

_My darkest hours limits unknown to even me rage so deep_

_I can't even began to understand _

_Maybe it's from a unfilled childhood not enough I love you's_

_I try to right I try to follow the rules_

_But everyone just wants to run me throu_

_Tear me down before I can even rise_

_I just wonder sometimes what's the point _

_Why Even try _

_Does anybody care?_

_To look Beyond the facade _

_Can anybody Even hear me?_

_I'm Cryin out in pain _

_Please Save me_

_Please Save me..._


	4. Chapter 4 Facades Part 2

**Sam p o v**

**Tuesday **

**A/N one section of this chapter may not be suitable for younger readers so just Skip over that...it will be marked with *** in the start and the end it's a very small part.. I do own small poem / rap at the end and the characters of Laura and her friends.…:{ sad face...**

I watched as the night sky slowly faded into daylight soon enough I heard the rattling of the cuffs as the Guards came around at 6:15 to start waking us up.

7:20 am

_Puckett!_

_I said make it shine!_

_Can I see my face? No Scrub harder!_

_I want this shining spic and span all of you_

_Scrub and mop till there's no more filth on these floors!_

_Get these dishes off these Tables Martinez _

_You have 55 minutes till school lets get a move on ladies! _

_No talking mouths shut I don't want to hear a word out of any of you_

_You kids thought you were so tough and can do anything now look where your at_

_Remember this next time your running around with your little Homies and Home girls_

_You call that clean !_

_Johnson Reach higher! _

_Don't be a pansy lets go Clark Get a move on_

_Puckett I said no talking or you trying to visit the shoe?_

_Close your damn mouth and scrub!_

Was this chick crazy ? Why the heck would I want to go back to the shoe or as it's really called Special Handling Unit (SHU) where there's a even smaller cell with one bed no personals a camera watching your every move ..where you only get out once a day for a 5 min shower. Yea that's just where I wanted to be ...Crazy fool..I wanted to punch her smug face so bad my fingers ached for holding back but I had to maintain I had to be strong. She was taken pleasure in tormenting me these guards think it's cool to do this and test you to see if you have changed.

8:30

School was as boring inside as it is on the outs . I will never learn to see what people like Carly see in it.. it was just some grownup sprouting out how much more they knew then me .. well how much they thought they knew … chiz I knew more about certain things then they would ever know I smiled to myself as I went over all the things I knew more of in my head.

_I bet this chick couldn't pick a lock in 13 seconds like I could_.

_I bet she could never rob someone and never be seen by their victim …_

_I bet she could never render a person unconscious in under 20 seconds _

_Stop Sam Stop doing this.. _

I could hear Carly's voice in my head as I fought with my inner self..she was my voice of reason.

_You have to pay attention you have to get good grades_

_You need to get into collage _

_You need a decent Job_

_But Carls I'm gonna be a Rapper I's gonna make more more_

_By Rhyming then any of ya fools will ever make by sitting on some hard ass chairs in a_

_Dumb cold Stuffy room_

_Sam You'll never make money unless you learn to spell and talk proper_

_You have to change or you'll end in prison or dead I can't lose you..please Sam_

_You won't lose me Carls I promise _

" _Puckett pay attention or You'll be in the shoe again now answer number 6_

I felt that anger rising again damn I needed out. With a sigh I got up and went to the chalk board I had no flipping clue what the answer was but I just made up some Chiz and was shocked it was right.

12:00pm

Lunch Time Yes! It's about frigging time I was starving! I scanned the cafeteria Francisca one of my girls who I have known on and off for 5 years throughout our stays in Juvie nodded to me so I sat by her. One lousy sandwich it's all they gave you it was Jank! I tell you. Deep breath I savored the beefy smell it was like heaven even if it wasn't what I would call a home cooked meal dang I missed them what I wouldn't kill for a spaghetti taco right now...I took a bite ...Splat...my sandwich was slammed from my hands. I stared in shock as it fell to the ground all the girls around me became silent. I looked up to see Laura Staring at me arms crossed grinning ..

_Oink , Oink Pigett _

_What 'ch-ya gonna do you think your _

_So tough come on I dare ya to try to get me_

Laura out weighs me by at least 180 pounds and she's built from hours of working out years of gang fighting she's been in one of Seattle's toughest girl gangs TCC since she was 12 she's what one would call manly broad shoulders short black hair with hard cold brown eyes her Japaneses accent makes it hard to understand at times but she says everything with such hate and malice it makes you tremble anyway she was certified loco .Was I crazy to step to her?

I pounced on her swinging hard her nose cracked as she fell back I was blazing , I was angry that. I couldn't even see straight she hit the table as I kept swinging the whole unit broke into a chorus of chants of "_kill her" smash her face '' _! No one steals my food ...damn I was so hungry all I could think about was it was a long time to dinner as I punched her face and kicked her stomach ..she nailed me in my ribs the pain sailed through me but I refused to show it I kept swinging as the guards raced over.

They were shouting as they pulled us up. I was cuffed as I was thrown out of the room shoved down the hall. It was silent in the hallway as the guard kept yelling at me about what a piece of trash I was and how kids like me were pure evil and needed to be burned. I took it all in as I marched silently down the hall towards the Shoe but inside oh heck I was streaming.

_Kids like you make me sick you ain't never gonna amount to anything _

_Your a disgrace to the human race just like that Slut of a Mother_

_They outta throw the book at you , your nothing but a joke trying to be tough_

_Your a thug a stupid punk ass little white trash pig just like your whole family_

_They outta burn the whole lot of ya getting rid of ya would do this city some good _

_More Clash less trash_

_Did ya hear me ? Answer me Trash..._

I refused to acknowledge her ignorance so she shoved me hard into the wall. I wouldn't show her my pain as I heard my head smack against the wall. Which pissed her off more so she grabbed me so fast that I lost my balance as I tried to head butt her she grabbed my hair and slammed me into the wall slamming her knee into my stomach I groaned as my legs gave out and she slammed me into a room.

_She's all your girls you have a hour before anyone does checks.._

I hit the ground on my back hard as I looked up to see Laura with her crew there Sarah Hendricks , Jamie Robins, Delphinium Hanoverian , Satanical Murkin the sister of one of my ex boyfriends Frankie..I groaned again this was not going to be good...

_Remember me Puckett? _

_Course you do ..Well I have a message from my brother_

I braced myself I was defenseless with my hands and feet shackled all I could do was to control my breathing as she dealt me blow after blow hitting me in my face kicking me in my stomach arms legs head...I felt every blow ten times worse as her and her friends tackled me sitting on me hitting me scratching me yelling at me spitting on me holding me down while they tore my clothes off video taping it how the eff they got that in was beyond me...Then Laura and Satanical or as I refer to her Satan raped me grabbing my legs and shoving them as far part as they could while they shoved their fists inside of me over and over. I screamed and tried to kick them bite them anything but two held my head down as two held my arms , they took turns things were shoved inside of me that I couldn't see but didn't feel like flesh..I felt the pain tearing through me as they shoved a rusty nail inside of me and scrapped my arm with a Shank and twisted it slamming me down as they beat me. I didn't cry I didn't get sick even though I wanted to ...I just took it ...

_What do you know Laura the little Wrench liked it..._

_I told ya she was a Lesbian..._

_Your Disgusting Puckett _

She Spit on me as they got up. I felt violated I felt dirty and I felt scared...but most of all I was angry and very tired and sore.

I was left on the floor and I'm not sure how long I stayed there till I manged to get up and slowly crawl over to my clothes and dress myself which was not easy when your shackled.

No one saw me sneak back into my cell which was surprising..and made me even angrier they watched me like a hawk every other day but today when I needed to be seen? No one...

I felt alone again as I painfully slid onto my cot Laura glared up at me I couldn't I wouldn't let her see my fear..I growled at her low and menacing..she shock her head as if she couldn't care less as if she had no fear of me. It was new to me and it scared the chiz out of me...

_Dark starless cold fronted skies_

_My world is so bleak I can't find the moonlight in _

_My cell 2nite Damn who's insane mind was working overtime_

_What were they thinking putting all these deranged psycho's in the same madhouse?_

_They use to call me the biggest and the baddest they wanna talk like my reign is over and now _

_Whispers fill the block TCC defeated me haha _

_They forget I knew you when _

_I know your secrets you wanna keep hidden_

_You never say it out loud you deny it but damn girl I know you were doing _

_Mr. Vern only 12 actin like Momma's little princess but she didn't know_

_Precious was getting down low on the corner block did she? Huh?_

_You wanna act like you got this power and fame on your own but ha_

_I know you slept your way to the top_

_Respect you don't earn it on your two feet like I do with my fists of rage_

_Your specialty is laying down .._

_Woof ..Woof ..._

_In the dark of the night I clutch this shank and pray Lord get me throu this night _

_Let me live 2 see anotha' day let thy night be done without a bloody outrage_

_I'm lonely here longing for real company housed amongst killa's _

_What was it that lead me down this path?_

_If they only knew what I dream about doing to them_

_Aw Sukiyaki, I'll make em Sukiyaki _

_Yea I did it I went thurr_

_I'm the girl you were told back when u were 10 not too mess wit_

_Ya just couldn't hear your momma's warnings cause you were too busy Suckin and Creepin'_

_Didn't ya hear my name tossed around _

_That's A Puckett _

_Ya don't mess wit the biggest the baddest _

_Unless you want your face permanently rearranged _

_Don't count me out I'm only down for a moment _

_But I will rise again and when I do _

_You can bet it's on.._

_Like the Phoenix I will rise and like the scorpion I come hard_

_See I'm a Hata and I go for the veins like the constricts before me_

_If you had just left me alone I would of let it go but No _

_You had to mess wit me mess wit my friends you just popped the wrong nerve_

_Just remember I neva lose I only make my enemies wish they had never met me_

_So think carefully do you want to make the first move? _

_Do you wanna go there step wit me?_

_Night time will lift in a few hours and the fear and the pain will melt away I will be reveled_

_A new creature old habits die hard I ain't neva gonna be good I can't even try to lie and say I change_

_But in the cold of the night I wonder why do I do any of the things I do?_

_Is it just a part of the facade? Is it what I believe to be true?_

_How can I even know anymore?_

_Life is cold when your alone_

_Is that why you do what you do? Pray on those weaker then you?_

_In the face of my enemy I spit rage but in the silent night I look in your eyes and I recognize_

_Who do I see? What monster lies within?_

_Your eyes sparkle just a little bright cause you get it_

_Nationalities aside we put away the facades and we both see it as true_

_Who do I see? What do you see in my eyes? I see me, I see me in my enemies eyes_

_Truth may be what I deny but it hits me right in my mind as I lay still in the middle of the night_

_Depression fills my mind darkness fills my soul I wanna cry but I will never show my fears _

_These tears will never flow I use my mind and lyrics to release my flow.._

_Sunlight will be here I just need to hold on maintain what makes me , me and_

_I will rise again.._

_They held me down it wasn't my choice they took away _

_Something so special to me_

_Something that was suppose to be Mine and only mine to give away someday_

_They got me so sick I wanna vomit but they can't kill what's inside of me_

_They took away a choice, My voice but I will_

_I will.._

_I will rise again.._


	5. Chapter 5 Facades Part 3

**Sam p o v**

**Thursday**

**A/N I own nothing expect my dreams and my life...wait I do own the charterer of Laura Jefferson. **

_100 push up ladies_

_I know you girls have it in you!_

I was sweating like crazy as my arms were aching so hard 100 that was child's play. I was already on 650 immature amateurs..this was the only way we got outside in a yard with barbed wires sharp shooters ..but it was freedom for a bliss 45 minutes. I needed a distraction I couldn't think about what had happened it was too painful it was too raw.

One thought filled my mind as I pumped

Benson! He had to be the reason there was no way I was abandoned by Carly he had to have been behind this he prob lied to her and told her he hadn't heard from me..stupid fool didn't he know? I was going to get out at some point and when I did I was going to …

KILL FREDDIE BENSON!

That filled me with pleasure I was going to make the little nub suffer. He was going to suffer hard for what I was going to do to him...

There's something dehumanization about having to shower with a guard watching you we only had 10 minutes. The water wasn't even hot it was lukewarm .

_Hands behind your back head down Puckett you know the rules_

_Of Movement Control..._

This is after a complete strip search mind ya.. I hated my life...

Depression had worked it's way back into my mind. She had left me after all Freddie was innocent she had given up on me.

_So Puckett when's your girlfriend comin for ya?_

_Shut it Jefferson she'll be here _

_I know She would never leave me_

_And She's Not My Girlfriend!_

_I swear you say one more word and I will beat ya with in a inch of ya waste less life_

_Lesbo_

_Bitch_

I pounced and it was on she was under my fist as 6 guards raced inside screaming at us to break it up. I was just looking to get my anger out on someone and she just had to step didn't she? She deserved it didn't she? She had to disrespect me so I had to show her what it meant to diss me it's just the way life around here is..Yea well the guards didn't see my point as they so willingly pointed out to me.

The cuffs were slapped on me as I was forced to the floor screaming and cussing kicking at them. There had to be at least 4 on them pushing me down. I wanted to fry their butts. Lifting me through the air I started kicking at them and soon found myself slammed against the wall hard. I felt my face being squashed my nose felt like it was being broken into a million pieces they were rough almost brutal in the way they yanked my arms back. Or maybe it was just because I was in so much pain already. Next came the pepper spray...Yea that did it...

_SHU for her Officer Lovecraft_

_You got it Shaffer_

_Hold up Officers _

_We have a emergency court order _

_From Judge Casket_

_To Bring in Puckett_

_Shackle , Cuff her …_

I was forced to line up against the wall they held me till I was too weak to fight anymore till I stopped slamming my fists against the wall, till I stopped screaming then they cuffed me and shackled me.

Have you ever had to walk in shackles and cuffs? It's like being stuck in quick sand you can't move too fast or you'll trip ..I was lead to the Juvenile Courthouse Entrance room #238 they brought me into a holding tank. What the heck was I doing here? Sitting on the bench I leaned back . I was breathing hard each breath took longer to get to and was more painful then the first my side was killing me. Tears burned in the back of my eyes. My throat hurt to swallow, a man came inside and sat by me he barely looked at me but he started talking.

_Miss Puckett I'm Daniel Davidson_

_I was hired to represent you _

He looked young how the heck was he a Lawyer? His eyes finally looked at me I'm sure I looked like a hot mess...my face had to be beat red snot was running down my nose or blood not sure which since I couldn't wipe it. My eyes burned my chest was on fire my head was pounding my legs were sore my arms felt like they were ripped out of my sockets.

_Who hired ya? I ain't got no money to pay ya_

_No worries Miss Puckett it's taken care of_

_We just need to go over what you are to say _

_Are you okay to go inside do you need time to compose yourself?_

_Nah I want out _

_Okay now the Petition say that you allegedly stole a car_

_Drove over state lines that you ran away from home_

_There's allegations of illegal substances in your possession_

_They Alluded you assaulted a officer ,_

_They got you with Possession of a deadly firearm _

_And resisting arrest _

_It's my recommendation that you enter a Denial _

_Meaning You plead not guilty _

_We can make a strong case for you Miss. Puckett if your willing to Cooperate_

_Yes anything to get me the heck out of here.. _

_Okay prepare to enter the Courtroom I will see you inside_

As I waited all I could think was please lord let me get out ..I kept wondering who the heck hired him?

Why did they? There's no way that even if my mom cared Enough to come back that she could afford him. Calm yourself Puckett it's time for your game face now. I talked to myself as I waited for the time to pass.

A officer lead me to the Court room we entered From behind the judge. I took a look at her she was tall and chubby from what I could see blond hair that was curled and she wore glasses...Chiz I remembered her she's the Broad that sent my butt to that boot camp last year she threatened to send me straight to Juvie for 6 months if I didn't clean up my act . I was doomed ..Maybe she wouldn't..oh hell who was I kidding? Not remember me? Every law official in Seattle knows who I am..My family is Famous in the Justice System...

My blood boiled but I kept my cool even with the pounding in my head getting worse...

_Sam!_

Her voice snapped me back to reality Carly! What was she doing here? I looked over shocked feeling a wave of Embarrassment wash over me. I never wanted her to see me like this. She looked Scared when she got a full look at me and worried her eyes flashed a million emotions all at once..Fear, Embarrassment, Pity which was quickly replaced by anger but I couldn't tell if it was at me or not. I wasn't allowed to touch her as they uncuffed me but I could talk to her before they started for a brief second.

_Hi cupcake_

My voice sounded strange even to me I saw her wince as the judge called us to order. I smiled at her and then noticed Spencer sitting quietly by her it was strange to see them dressed so fancy ..she looked radiant though her lips shined and she looked tanner and thinner yet more muscular. Summer had agreed with her. Spencer looked very uncomfortable in his suit.

I saw my probation officer sitting by the DA. I sat like a stone but inside I was shaken ..Judge Casket started by addressing my lawyer ..

_Mr. Davidson have you been served a copy of the physiological evolution?_

_I have your honor_

_Mr. Shay have you as well?_

Spencer rose he looked like how I felt inside but I also saw he looked determined. I couldn't look at him the shame made my face blush which pissed me off, I pinched myself under the table. It helped to keep me in check.

_Yes Your Honor_

_Mrs. Nettle? _

The DA stood

_I have your honor_

_Alright then we shall start with Mr. Ryan would you please take the stand?_

My probation officer stood and went forward I started to pray silently as I pinched myself harder.

_Mr. Ryan how long have you been Miss. Puckett's Probation Officer?_

_Eight years your Honor_

_How has she made improvements?_

_She's gained more focus in her studies since when she was first brought in _

_I have seen her pick her grades up and she has tried to stay out of trouble she's always on time_

_For her check in's she has not tested positive for any drug or alcohol use _

_She has worked hard to help out the community through her web show _

_Mr. Ryan you ordered a Evolution what did you conclude from it?_

_Your honor we have Concluded that Miss. Puckett does have some serve Emotional issues_

_That we believe need to be addressed while she is still a youth _

_She suffers From anger management and has trouble containing her emotions_

_We feel she needs intense therapy and rehabilitation it is my deepest concern however that she will not get that help if she continues to live where she is at._

_Her mother Pam is also a wanted Fugitive by the Seattle Police and she is a known offender _

_She herself suffers from Alcohol and Drug Abuse we believe she is also a child abuser based on a number of bruises and broken bones we have seen on Sam Puckett's medical records. _

_She is MIA currently we believe on the run _

_So what is it that you Recommend? _

_Well your Honor under normal Circumstances I would say Youth Authority Housing_

_Is there a expectation this time Mr. Ryan?_

_Yes Your Honor we believe that it is in her best interests if custody were to be rendered to Mr. Shay_

_He is the legal guardian of her best friend Carly and she has been the best and probably only role model in this youngsters life._

_Well I would like to Hear From him then Mr. Shay please take the stand.._

This outta be good I thought...

He looked like he wanted to puke or run out screaming he was shaken and fidgeting with his tie sweating but he took the stand I saw him look at me and I quickly turned away how could I face him?

_Mr. Shay thank you for coming here today_

_Thank you For having me your honor_

Was he freaking flirting?

_Mr. Shay how long have you known Sam for?_

_Since She was 8 your Honor_

_What is your relationship like?_

_She's my little sisters best friend and by extension my little sister_

He kept smiling at me as he tried to get me to look up I kicked the floor softly .

_I can see you care a great deal for her Mr. Shay_

_Yes, Yes I do your Honor_

_Can you tell the court why you think you can provide a safe home for her?_

_Well I can try to ..I believe Sam needs to be challenged_

_In what way sir?_

_She needs to feel as if she matters to someone and she needs to know that her needs are important_

_I think she needs stability to know that someone will always be home for her that her basic needs will be meet a clean house a warm bed plenty of Ham.. She loves Ham your Honor._

_I also believe she needs discipline I know she hates to be told what to do but I think if it's done in a way where she isn't feeling over whelmed or under minded that she can prosper it's worked with Carly. She gets straight A's she's never in trouble._

_I want her to come home with us Your Honor and Carly and I will make sure she follows whatever the court decides she needs to do...I believe that if she is sent to a YAH she will be so lost in her own anger and Rage that she won't reach out for the help she needs and we will lose her ..I can't..We __can't_ _lose her your Honor she means so much to all of us._

_Do you believe she is a danger to herself or others?_

_No Your Honor I think she is just hurting really bad and and has no one to turn to while we were away .._

_Thank you Mr. Shay you can step down I have heard what you said and will take it into consideration._

_Mrs. Nettle?_

_I disagree with Mr. Shay Your honor I believe Miss. Puckett has had plenty of support and options over the years and quite frankly. I believe she is irredeemable. I believe she was in full compilation of her mental status at the time she committed these acts and she is a danger to society never mind herself._

_She has a track record of crime after crime she has had counseling and refuses to compile she continues to make the wrong choices again and again and her grades while yes they have improved quite frankly they still are just barely passing. _

_I think she is a dangerous and viscous person who needs to learn that when you commit a crime you need to do the time .I don't believe babying her will do anything expect set her free to commit another violent act which could be deadly._

_It is my recommendation she be sent back to Juvie until a trail date can be set and I believe she needs to be sentenced as a adult ._

My heart dropped I felt sick the Judge was paying full attention to her unlike when Spencer was talking when she was fooling around with her papers.

_I have heard everyone's side and I am ready to rule Miss. Puckett please rise_

_I have read the Petition as well as the documents that the staff here at Seattle Juvenile hall have filed_

_You appear to spend a lot of time fighting and resiting help you get into fights with other inmates threaten to kill and have no interest in school ..while you appear remorseful for the crimes you are alleged with I am fearful of what will happen if you are released today. _

_That being said I do remember you from last year and I am pleased to see that you have attend more classes in school outside of here, I have seen the differences you made with icarly and I do believe you can benefit from getting help._

_My concern is do you even want help?_

_Will you be willing to follow through? _

_Will Carly suffer if you are taken in?_

_Will society suffer?_

_These are the questions that I have to ask myself and their tough.._

She looked at me long and hard I wanted to melt. I kept tough.

_This is your last chance Miss. Puckett there will be no others_

_Today What this court will do is find that we have probable cause that this Juvenile has committed a delinquent act. It is my decision and the recommendation of the Seattle Juvenile Courts That Miss. Puckett be released into the Custody of Mr. Shay until a trail date is set do not make me regret this young lady._

_You will be expected to report to your probation officer weekly a drug and alcohol test will be administered if you fail you will be arrested and taken into Juvie with no Release is that understood?_

_Yes Your honor_

_You will attend School and not miss any more then 3 days all year without the courts permission . I also expect you to give back to the community in some way. You are to have no contact with your family _

_You are to have no possession of any firearms or illegal weapons. _

_You need to maintain a C+ average unannounced checking will be done and if you violate any of these terms you will be taken back in to custody._

_I believe living there will be good for you but you are to have no contact with your mother or her life is that understood? If you mess up in any way I will have no hesitation in sending you straight to Juvenile detention and let me remind you in a little over a year you will no longer be a child you mess up and I promise you that you will end up across the street to County and there will be no one who sits and talks with you or tries to help you ...You'll be sentenced and serve your time and with these Allegations your looking at 10 to 15 years. Is that understood? I gave you a chance before and I regret it if you mess up I promise you I will make sure the book is thrown at you. Understood Miss. Puckett? _

_Yes Your Honor..._

_Good court is dismissed..._

I felt like I was going to faint...Carly beat me to it...


	6. Chapter 6 So Alone

**So Alone**

**Carly's p o v**

Angry? Freddie Thought I was angry? Ha he had no idea what I was feeling anger didn't even cover it.

Spencer had been on the phone all evening trying to get someone to take Sam's case but it was so late in the day and so close to the weekend that no one wanted to take it that was before he even mentioned her name. I was beyond angry I was beyond worried . I was sick from freaking out. I could feel my chest burning up from all the tears which I had shed my throat was on fire from all the times I had gotten sick to my stomach. The thought of Sam sitting in that jail cell So alone So scared thinking I had abandoned her given up on her made me ill.

My head was spinning all I could do was hold it as I sunk down against our couch trying desperately not to shed any more tears. My chest was so tight I couldn't catch my breath no matter how hard I tried to calm down.

Sam was a fighter sure but only if she felt she had a reason what if she felt like she had none? What would she do what would she become? Damn it Freddie why couldn't you just pick up the phone call me?

I could hear Spencer who had stomped off to his room pissed he was cursing up a storm I knew this was hard on him to he loved Sam like a sister. Spencer was the one who had really raised her from the time she was 8 her own mother sure never showed any interests in it.

Didn't Freddie say he loved me? Didn't he use his damn brain and figure out that I was going to come home and find out at some point that Sam was locked up? What did he think I would do? Forgive and Forget? Not one thought to the fact that we had been on vacation and maybe this was the last thing we wanted to deal with after dealing with our granddad for the last two and half months?

My breathing was becoming shorter and raspier as my brain was reeling from all the terrible thoughts about what happens in jail I know Sam thought I was naive and that I didn't get how bad jail was. I wasn't naive. I know people get hurt in there the tougher you are the more enemies you make . The more people targeted you the more the guards hated you. Sam was always talking back to someone she wouldn't take the chiz they handed out no matter how much trouble had she already gotten into?

I was so tired already it had been a long day before we even left Grandad and Spencer had gotten into a huge fight which had lasted all morning over Spencer's idea of parenting. All because he had to mention his love of independence which is a huge No in Grandad's life. He believed Teens needed discipline and strict curfews not freedom. God if grandad saw Sam now I would so be pulled from here and forced back to Yakima.

My head was spinning I was ready to pass out when a loud pounding interrupted my thoughts. My eyes shifted to the door who the hell was stupid enough to distribute me now? Were they asking to die?

_Get The Door Carly I'm on the phone _

_Pick up You Stupid Idiot !_

_Yelling at them won't help Spencer!_

_Well their not helping me!_

Every movement was fire for me I was ready to pound who ever this was. Damn lock wouldn't unlatch either ...so I shock it..feeling drained

_What the hell you stupid..._

_Carly please Let me in we need to talk.._

Suddenly I had all the energy in the world as I flung it open breaking the lock to see Freddie standing there looking nervous my eyes blazed. I felt my face heat up as I felt my fists clench and unclench stomach turning and legs shaking. He looked at me and tried to touch my arm..

_Don't touch me!_

I screamed as I flung his hand off me he stepped back startled. Clearing his throat as he tried to speak.

_Carly Please just let me explain.._

_Explain away FredLie explain how you lied to me for months on the phone then lied to my face_

_Explain how you let Sam sit in Juvie facing god knows what hell_

_I did it because I love you _

_YOU LOVE ME!_

_You love me!_

I laughed long at that one his face looked crush good let him feel what I felt right now. My eyes tore into his he couldn't even look me in my eyes. I hope he felt the fire in them burn him straight through his soul.

_I needed time Carly time away from you_

_It's so complicated Carly Your one of my best friends and I know I love you as a friend but for so long _

_I loved you as so much more and you never returned my love as more then friends so I started to wonder was it worth it loving you?_

_I mean it's nothing but pain daily agony seeing you smile and hearing you laugh..Seeing you twirl your hair._

_I love your smile the way the corners of your mouth twitch up when your trying not to laugh the way you absently finger your hair when your nervous the way you shift legs when your caught doing something you shouldn't be doing._

_I dreamed of having a life together_

_Carly for so long I imagined what our kids would look like who they would take after._

For a minute I almost softened he looked so sad as he recounted all the ways he loved me it was almost sweet really who didn't want a guy to adore them notice the little things and remember them? It' what I always wanted in a guy …

_I had to get away from you and when you left it gave me time to think did I still love you or was it just the dream? _

My hand was gripping the door my chest rising hard I felt sick and dizzy again even taking a deep breath was pure hell. I was hot so hot I had to lean against the door frame for support.

_I know How I feel about you now Carly _

_I thought about it so long and so hard I hope you understand one day_

_No matter how you feel about me Carly I will always Love You_

_Even if you hate me forever I can't give up _

_You are my sunshine my air my water your my everything.._

_I know I was dumb I was wrong I know what I did was unforgivable and looking at it now it was so selfish if I could go back to yesterday change it I would. I let you down and for that I am so sorry you have no idea .._

I glared at him not able to speak my breathing was so labored I couldn't form any words I could only gasp. Holding my chest it was like having a giant tiger jumping on my chest as I was being drowned I couldn't catch my breath all I could do was cough and gasp. The harder I tried to breath the worse it got.

_I tried to tackle the idea of just being friends but I can't I just want a chance Carly please I promise I will love you the right way.._

_T..H..E..R..i..g.._

I gasped as I started to get sick I could feel it in the back of my throat which felt like there was a giant frog sitting in it croaking.

_You,...Lied..t..o..m..e_

_Love is about honesty trust you broke that you broke that promise we made no more secrets you kept the biggest one .._

_Were Done Freddie I know how I fe..e..l abou..t you now _

_iCarly is done I never want to see you ever ag..._

_Oh god..._

I was getting no air now my legs were giving out I felt the world spinning...He was looking at me strange as he suddenly seemed to get it I was reaching to grab something anything but not him stumbling as my head felt like it would explode. I shoved him out hard slamming the door as my legs gave out I managed to grab one of Spencer's inventions which made a horrible squeaking noise as my world went black.

I was floating on a cloud it was peaceful I didn't want to leave but Spencer's voice was calling to me my head was pounding so hard I thought it would hammer itself till my brains went splat all over the apartment.

I was on my bed I could see my colorful walls and ceilings. I was attached to something and couldn't move. My eyes burned as I saw Spencer see I was awake he came running over he sounded angry on the phone but as soon as he saw me watching he hung up and hurried over.

_Hey Kiddo How are you feeling ?_

Every Breath took effort I looked at him trying to take a deep breath feeling the presence of something foreign in my mouth. Reaching up I tried to feel what it was..

_Your __Pap machine it's given you oxygen you had a asthma attack_

_You'll be fine though Dr. Schneider Just left She said you'll be good as new as long as you rest_

_I'm sorry Kid I knew you were upset I shouldn't of left you alone _

I signed to him that it wasn't his fault that I shouldn't of gotten so upset he ruffled my hair as I closed my eyes.

_Yes take me away Rainbow I wanna fly so high I can touch the sky!_

I giggled as the wind ripped my hair making it fly rainbow gave a soft whimper as she lifted her powerful wings flapping them as I clung to her tight we took off it was amazing. I could see the whole world from my view point on her back. The night sky was so peaceful so bright the tiny stars shining so bright I smiled as I reached out to touch one but it just shimmered and faded away bouncing into a million more pieces it was truly amazing. I wondered what happened to the original where did it go? Did they hide away? Did they go home to their families? Play hide and seek with their friends? Or did they die and seize to exist? It made me sad to think they could never dance and sing again never shine their light that they simply just stopped twinkling just like human life. One minute you were here the next were gone.

_Carly!_

_Carly lets go get out of the shower bathing will not help Sam_

_We need to get to the courthouse!_

_Huh?_

I quickly snapped out of my daydream as I shut the water off jumping out running to my room to throw on a good suit.

I was silent on the drive down my thoughts lost in a million places Spencer was rocking out to The Barney Soundtrack as he twisted the car into a too small parking space.

Downtown Seattle was still busy even at 5 on a Thursday Evening Spencer Kept his hand on my left Shoulder blade as we headed up the steps the side walks were busy as heck. People rushing in and out of buildings some dressed formally some in causal dress some on cells talking fast a few were hailing cabs some jiggling keys. Sirens pierced the cool evening air. I saw a cop car skid to a stop and the officers lead a kid in to the intake area the kid was cursing and yelling as he was dragged in I took him in he was dressed in baggy black jeans a large red shirt and a bandana and a backwards hat he had chains hanging down off his pants and his neck. He was cuffed and yet he still fought. The officers were yelling at him as they shoved him inside out of sight.

I stuck closer to Spencer as we headed up the steps a car came rolling by blasting rap music I made a face hating that chiz. Sam loved Rap but I never saw the point in it.

The King County's Juvenile Detention Hall was in the Central District neighborhood the jail itself was a older building that was well maintained but the courthouse was newer I could smell a fresh coat of paint. Spencer directed me over to a bunch of chairs in a waiting area I wasn't alone a few people still lined the area I took a seat away from them feeling strange. I didn't belong here I felt a small shiver of anger at Sam for making me come here. Why could she just stay out of trouble? Was it so hard? Was she ever going to learn there were other ways besides the streets? Was she ever going to grow up and face reality?

Sighing I placed my head against the cool wall I had to stay calm. My blood pressure needed to stay low my breathing needed to stay normal. I was so tired I just wanted to lay down but there was no telling how long we would be here for. I watched as Spencer went over to talk to his friend I couldn't hear what they were saying so I turned my attention to the two kids in front of me playing with a fisher price play set as their mommy was talking to a lawyer they looked so innocent what I wouldn't give for that bliss.

A loud commotion broke out I saw a teenage girl in the intake area she was strapped to a chair five officers had her pinned down. She was kicking and screaming threatening to kill them if they didn't unhand her I shuddered her voice was shrill and she sounded high.

I saw two officers come out I could hear their conversation..

_Jade Warp 16 she's brought in for Attempted murder and aggravated assault on her classmate in summer school._

_She heard a rumor her victim was sleeping with her boyfriend so she stabbed her six times and chocked her. _

I wanted to crawl under a hole and stay there till she went away the thought of her and Sam being in the same cell the same block made me sick.

Finally they lead her away only to be replaced with a enraged mother who was screaming at the officer who was trying to talk to her calmly. My Spanish was rusty but I tried to follow..

_Ma'am calmar tu hijo está detenido porque fue traído por robo y el hábito de fumar una sustancia ilegal _

I think he was saying

_ma'am calm down your son is being detained because he was brought in for robbery and smoking a illegal substance_

I heard her screaming at another kid as she shock his shoulder not understanding what was being said or not wanting to accept it.

She answered the guard not too happy..

_Mentiroso no mi hijo!nunca podría lastimar a nadie es inocente no mi hijo!_

I believe that meant

_Liar not my son!he would never hurt anyone he is innocent not my son!_

Sighing I placed my head back and closed my eyes I was starting to drift off when Spencer shock me. Rising I followed out of the room and into the elevator.

We went up to the room where Sam's hearing would be sitting outside as we waited all my fears came back what if she wasn't released how long could she spend locked up?

Walking inside I was so scared my legs were shaking I would never be able to commit a crime I would crack just seeing the inside of this place. I took a seat where Spencer was seeing that it was a closed hearing relived me a bit there were only the court appointed people Spencer myself and the lawyers and one other man. He was probably in his 50's he was looking scared chizless. Who was he? I whispered to Spencer he looked over at him whispered to Sam's lawyer who whispered back to him Spencer finally got back to me.

_That's the man Sam stole the car from_

I swallowed afraid of that how the heck did a old man have a fancy car like that? It was scary for me to think this man could have been my granddad he was probably someone's grandfather, to think that Sam could of killed him if things had gone wrong. What was she thinking? I could never stop to put a face or a name to her crimes but this brought it back this wasn't a TV show or a book these were real people She was hurting and I know she would never kill anyone on purpose but what happened if someone fought back and she had to defend herself? What if they got the upper hand on her?

My eyes had to refocus when I saw Sam being lead inside by two security guards she was cuffed and shackled her head held down low she didn't see me right away but I could see her she was thin too thin and pale. My heart broke for her and my anger was at the boiling point. When she looked up I saw her face she was bruised and bloody she was swollen I felt my hands starting too sweat and my fingernails dig into my palms.

_Sam !_

I Called to her she didn't look up right away I saw how worried Spencer was he ran his hand over my back as if to say calm down feeling myself getting dizzy I knew I had to calm myself before I passed out. Please Sam look up I called her name again.

_Hi cupcake_

Her voice sounded strained which made me even more worried. I winced when the judge called us to order. I wanted to reach over and hug her but I felt Spencer hold me back so I sat like a stone but inside I was shaken I saw Sam seemed fine she didn't flinch or make any signs she even cared.

Did she know how serious this was? Did she care? Was she just tired of it all?

All the legal talk was over my head Spencer seemed to be having a hard time sitting still in his suit which made me smile as I reached over and hugged him to thank him he grinned rubbing my head.

My head went back and forth the whole time my heart was racing as Spencer was called he was so nervous I felt so bad for him he was trying to do everything for her but he was so out of place. What pissed me off more was that the damn judge wasn't paying attention.

She was paying full attention to the DA who was doing everything to damn her which just made me angrier.

Could Sam really be sent away for a long time? Her crimes were serious enough this judge hated her I remembered her from last year.

My whole body was shaking who would I talk to this year if she was sent away? Who would I share my secrets with? Who was going to hold me when I cried? Who was going to tell me if a boy was worth going out with? Sam was my right hand girl? Freddie was out of my life which hurt like hell no matter he had done he was my friend for years and I loved him as a friend his betrayal killed me I couldn't lose Sam to. The judge looked at her I was ready to throw up I was so scared..

_I have heard everyone's side and I am ready to rule Miss. Puckett please rise_

_I have read the Petition as well as the documents that the staff here at Seattle Juvenile hall have filed_

_You appear to spend a lot of time fighting and resiting help you get into fights with other inmates threaten to kill and have no interest in school ..while you appear remorseful for the crimes you are alleged with I am fearful of what will happen if you are released today. _

_That being said I do remember you from last year and I am pleased to see that you have attend more classes in school outside of here, I shave seen the differences you made with iCarly and I do believe you can benefit from getting help._

_My concern is do you even want help?_

_Will you be willing to follow through? _

_Will Carly suffer if you are taken in?_

Did she even consider would I suffer without Sam? Sam was my strength my heart my soul I could never handle emotional chiz without Sam. I couldn't fight off those snotty girls that hated me cause I was a web-host they didn't mess with me when Sam was there without Sam I was putty in their hands which scared me even more.

_Will society suffer?_

_These are the questions that I have to ask myself and their tough.._

She looked at me Sam long and hard I wanted to melt for Sam..

_This is your last chance Miss. Puckett there will be no others_

_Today What this court will do is find that we have probable cause that this Juvenile has committed a delinquent act. It is my decision and the recommendation of the Seattle Juvenile Courts That Miss. Puckett be released into the Custody of Mr. Shay until a trail date is set do not make me regret this young lady._

_You will be expected to report to your probation officer weekly a drug and alcohol test will be administered if you fail you will be arrested and taken into Juvie with no Release is that understood?_

_Yes Your honor_

_You will attend School and not miss any more then 3 days all year . I also expect you to give back to the community in some way. You are to have no contact with your family _

_You are to have no possession of any firearms or illegal weapons. _

_You need to maintain a C+ average unannounced checking will be done and if you violate any of these terms you will be taken back in to custody._

_I believe living there will be good for you but you are to have no contact with your mother or her life is that understood? If you mess up in any way I will have no hesitation in sending you straight to Juvenile detention and let me remind you in a little over a year you will no longer be a child you mess up and I promise you that you will end up across the street to County and there will be no one who sits and talks with you or tries to help you ...You'll be sentenced and serve your time and with these Allegations your looking at 10 to 15 years. Is that understood? I gave you a chance before and I regret it if you mess up I promise you I will make sure the book is thrown at you. Understood Miss. Puckett? _

_Yes Your Honor..._

_Good court is dismissed..._

I jumped up ready to hug Sam and everything went black.


	7. Chapter 7 Cry Part One

**Cry**

**Carly's p o v**

_You okay kiddo?_

I groaned as I felt a coolness slide over my head looking around I tried to place where I was. Spencer was by my side he seemed to get what I was trying to do.

_Your in the infirmary babe you passed out_

Embarrassed much? 

After the Doctor cleared us we went to meet Sam in her counselors office she was sitting stone still when we came in still cuffed to a chair head still hung low going over I was quite she didn't seem to notice me right away she looked lost sunk so low in her orange jumpsuit her hair hung down in a mess of clumps she seemed exhausted I wondered when the last time she slept was.

_Sam?_

No response sighing I went over and knelled in front of her seeing her injuries up close and personal for the first time I held my composer but inside I was fuming. Who had hurt her? Why didn't the guards stop them? Was she treated?

I looked to Spencer as if to ask if I could touch her he looked at the officer who nodded. Gently I touched her chin and lifted her up to face me eye level she seemed to finally get I was there as she smiled slightly. I wanted to wrap my arms around her but it was too awkward with her cuffed so I settled for just telling her I loved her and was here.

_You must be Carly?_

Getting up I looked at the man sitting behind the desk as he rose to shake our hands Spencer came forward.

_Yes I am.._

_Pleasure to meet you Miss. Puckett thinks highly of you I'm sure you'll be able to help Sam on her release I'm Dr. Warp one of the _**_youth corrections counselors_**_ here at King's Juvenile Hall. I've been on Sam's case for many years and I hope this is the last time we see her. I need to go over some information with you two before we can let her walk out do you mind having a seat? _

_Cool we can take them when were done? _

_Uh No Mr. Shay_

_Well you said have a seat so I just assumed .._

_Just kidding of course we have time for Sam._

_Were here to meet about Sam's requirements for when she leaves this facility as her guardian Mr. Shay it will be your responsibility to make sure she meets these ._

Translation here it was my place to make sure she stayed on top of her game. I stared at Sam who made no indication she heard or cared.

_She will be mandated to attend court ordered therapy at least once a week or more seeing as how her therapist feels her needs may be best meet. We already set up a appointment for Monday 4:30 with King's Children's And Youth Family Counseling Sessions will be held over at their office on 10th ave and East Terrance Street. _

_The therapist name is Mrs. Jennette Cosgrove she is one of the top in her field I work with her for many of these kids she has a high success rate at rehabilitating Kids like Sam. She has 3 kids herself so she relates to kids very well she knows what's hip and all that.._

I rolled my eyes no self respecting kid said hip now a days we say cool , phat, hot not hip. Still I did giggle I couldn't help it. Sam gave a slight raised eyebrow.

_She must maintain a C+ average _

She winced I squeezed her hand knowing she struggled while most thought she was lazy or stupid I knew she wasn't School just never came easy to her. When no one believes in you or tries to help you it's easy to just let them think what they want but I wasn't going to let her fail.

_I'll help her sir_

_Thank you Carly_

_She must show up at her probation officer twice a week on time every time we have a new P.O for her as well. If you fail to do so Miss. Puckett a court order will be attained for your immediate arrest and you will be detained here till you reach the age of 18 when you will be sentenced as a adult._

_Is that understood Miss. Puckett?_

She nodded

_Is that understood Miss. Puckett?_

_Yes.._

Her voice was small soft and shaky not Sam like at all Spencer and I exchanged looks.

_No Drugs or alcohol consumption any drugs you need for medical reasons must be approved by the court ._

She sighed as Spencer took notes. I watched her as she sighed sinking further down in her seat I placed my hand on her leg but she just stared ahead.

_You lost your driving privileges for two years if you are caught driving you will be arrested for violations are you clear on this?_

_Yes officer Warp.._

_You will be ordered to attend a anger management class have a curfew of 10 pm school nights 11 on weekends._

_Also the court has ordered a drug and alcohol treatment education. _

_Good .._

He went on over rules for the next twenty minutes. Finally Mr. Warp stopped talking and said she could go change. I handed her a fresh pair of clothes she looked shocked as she rose she stared at them then me. I motioned for her to take them and earned a full smile the first I saw through this whole ordeal.

Rising she placed her hands behind her back they cuffed her leading her off. My blood was boiling but outside I stayed calm. Spencer asked a lot of questions and took notes.

I had only one.

_Is Sam Going to be okay? She seems so different this time._

_It's a adjustment period Carly Sam's been locked down for months she's likely to be depressed and angry tired irritable for awhile just stay by her side and show her that you love her and support her. I believe she'll be fine being locked up can be very traumatic even the most hardest criminals can be shaken for a while._

_I recommend taking her to see a doctor and talking to Mrs. Cosgrove regarding any concerns you have about Sam's mental staus._

Sam came out she seemed happier her hands were clasped in front of her but not cuffed. Rising to meet her I grinned as soon as she got out of the hall the officer opened the door and she bolted straight to me .

_Cupcake you came I can't believe it thank you!_

I was shocked she thought I wouldn't come? Freddie was so going to pay for this.

Engulfing her into my arms I felt how fast her heart was beating I felt how cold she was too cold she was shaken, I could feel her ribs jolting out which scared me so bad. She didn't smell so good either but I swallowed it wasn't her fault.

_See Ya Ricardo _

_It's officer Barrett to you Miss. Puckett? _

But he was smiling as he said it ruffling her hair.

_Say hi to your kids little Eric and Emily make sure she practices her Roundhouse kick!_

_I will sure do that now stay out of trouble Puckett we don't want to see you back _

_No Chiz man I don't want to be back _

They high fived as Spencer grabbed her shoulders she grinned as another officer came inside with a handcuffed boy about 15.

_Hey Jules they sprung me !_

Spencer's eyes popped out of his head as he stared at the officer suddenly he stood up straighter fixing his hair and suit.

_Well hello ladies ..I'm Spencer and I am single and I love you ladies _

He was fighting his hardest to flirt.

Sam went over and whispered something to the officer who laughed the kid nodded at her to show her respect.

When she came back she winked at Spencer .

_She thinks your a babe_

_Really? awesome!_ _Yes!_

He danced around pumping his fist up in the air I looked at her arching a eyebrow earning a wink from her he went closer to the officer trying to pose all sexy against the wall making me want to throw up.

She gave a chuckle looking at him winking at Sam as she fingered his tie.

_Your kind of cute handsome _

_Why yes I am thank you for noticing _

He fixed his hair again.

_So do you wanna go out sometime? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week?_

_Maybe_

_Yes!_

_Spence she said maybe not yes.._

_I know but she didn't say no she didn't hit me or call the cops! Process girls it's all bout small steps making giant leaps!_

_She is the cops Spence!_

_Oh yea..So um tonight? You busy?_

_Maybe_

_How bout tomorrow you free?_

_Maybe_

Sam was smirking which made me worry.

_Uh Spence It's getting late Sam is prob tired and I have to pee bad!_

_You can find a date online let's go already!_

_I have this one it's almost on lock down_

_Don't say lock down!_

_Sorry Sam _

_I have locks _

She flashed her cuffs Sam hid behind me..

_Kinky Spencie likey! _

_Yuck _I gagged at that one.

_Puckett stay out of trouble go make your dreams come true cause you have talent stay in school make something out of yourself I don't want to see you throw it all away. Got it kid?_

_Got it Jules S_he hugged her .

_Thanks for watching my back while I was here girl _

She spoke to her in Spanish they laughed at something. Spencer skipped ahead happily as we left Sam called over her shoulders.

_Say hi to Hector tell him thanks for defending our freedom You have a great husband and cute kids tell Scott and Julia to keep chasing their dreams!_

_Si Mia I will take care of her Carly_

_I will Thanks_

_Husband ! _

Spencer called out she winced not knowing he was still there I laughed holding my stomach. Sam grinned and laughed at his expression.

_I looked like a fool!_

_So What's new?_

_Puckett! _

He chased her all the way to our car.

She fell asleep in the car curled up in the backseat sighing I closed my eyes Spence was still muttering but it was playful.

Once we got home I wrapped my arms around a sleepy Sam as we walked up to the apartment. I half expected the nub to be waiting half feared.

_I'm going to change out of this stupid death grip that they call a suit.._

_So You hungry? _

She sighed as it got quiet.

_Nah I'm really tired could I just take a shower and rest? _

My mouth was on the floor Sam Puckett refused food?

What in the hell?

She grinned coming over to hug me .

_Relax Carl_'s _I'll be fine I just want to freshen up before I eat I smell baad..._

We laughed

_You don't have to tell me I smell I know I smell I can smell myself that's bad!_

Ruffling her hair we laughed going upstairs we both went inside the bathroom..

_There's fresh shampoo and conditioner just for you babe help yourself_

_Always do _

_I know that's what makes you you babe_

Finally I sat down to pee

_Damn girl you really had to go huh?_

_Sorry I haven't gone since I left Yakima _

_So how was it?_

_Yakima?_

_No I mean your pee?_

_Hold on let me check_

We laughed

_It's Yakima there's not much that goes on in Yakima even the moose are trying to get out _

I Left her to Change as I went to grab clothes for her ..

_Sam I have ...Oh My God!_

I screamed as I came in dropping the clothes as she tried to cover herself but had Nothing to do so with her eyes looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Her expression wounded like she expected to be slapped she blushed.

_Oh My God! Sam What happened?_

I felt sick her whole back was covered in deep dark bruises and thick red marks her lower abdomen area was purple and black. Her arms had scars on them she was desperately trying to cover herself as I ran over seeing her wince.

Wanting to run my hands over her but not wanting to hurt her I stood in front of her shaking as she looked down in shame and fear feeling exposed was not easy for her. Placing my finger under her chin I lifted her chin and made her look into my eyes trying to convey to her that whoever did this to her it wasn't her fault.

_Please Carly Don't..Please just.._

_Alright Sam I won't I promise just please tell the doctor tomorrow they look nasty._

_I can't Carls I can't.._

_Babe you have to you have to be treated _

_Sam don't be stubborn please look after yourself _

_I am Carly I promise ...Don't Carl's.._

_I'm Trying Sam I am it just breaks my heart to see you so hurt._

I tried not to but as hard as I tried to not cry I did slowly at first but soon they came in big loud messy tears. While I should be comforting her she wrapped her arms around me holding me while I cried into her neck her hands pulling me close holding me tight while she rubbed whispering soothing words.

_It's okay Carly I promise their not as bad as they look you don't have to cry Carly I'm safe now._

_I'm home with You and Spencer where I belong relax no one is going to hurt me ._

_You shouldn't of been in there in the first place!_

_Why are you so stupid Sam why would you take the chance of getting caught! _

She let me hit her shoulders hard well hard for me she didn't even flinch.

Finally the tears stopped I felt her running her fingers through my hair . One hand brushed some strands back out of my face. Her hand lingered on my check chilling me.


	8. Chapter 8 Cry Part Two

**Carly's p o v**

**Cry Part Two**

Even after the tears came to a conclusion I stayed in her arms feeling the strong pull of her heartbeat the security of her embrace. We didn't speak no words were needed not to know what the other was feeling.

At some point I became aware that she was naked and must be freezing she never said a word, My hands gently lingered over her stomach area above her abdominal area.

Why did I feel a shiver of excitement? Why was I having a hard time looking at Sam as she stood in front of me.

So many questions filled my mind over the summer I thought I had the answers when I came home but now I wasn't so sure.

Saturday Morning I went to The Groovy Smoothie to ask T-bo for help getting Sam's stuff out of her house. While Spencer took her to the doctors well he would when she decided to wake up.

She went straight to bed after dinner and was still asleep after 11 am.

_Welcome to The Groovy smoothie Wanna try ravioli on a stick? _

_No _

_Lasagna on a stick ?_

_No.._

_Chef Salad on a stick?_

_NO!_

_Anything on a stick?_

_No!_

_Come on help a brotha out!_

I giggled

_No I just want to know T if you can _

_Yes_

_Huh ? I didn't even ask the question yet_

_Yes I will help you out cause that's what friends are for_

_Aw that's sweet how did ya know?_

_Come on when do you ever come see uncle T unless you want something and besides I'm just a sweet guy trying to make a living in a cheap people filled world!_

_Yes you are.._

I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the check he squeaked covering his face all of a sudden his stick went flying and he went down.

_Uh T are you okay?_

I looked over the counter Ravioli was everywhere sauce was splattered on the walls ricotta cheese was smashed against the floor and the low cabinets.

_Uh someone may want to help him_

_Help Who?_

_Ah! _I screamed jumping as he jumped up people looked up at us as if to say quiet kids snickered my face flushed.

_Apple Pie Ala Mode on a stick!_

_Fine yes I'll try it!_

_Ha I knew you would break!_

_Whatever _

I crossed my arms annoyed

_Aw don't sulk Shay It's okay here I'll even throw in a free cherry_

_Well gee thanks how generous of you_

_I know right _

_I'm allergic to cherries!_

_Oh you are?_

_No I'm just saying that!_

_Oh you are well here ya go then_

_I'm allergic Sherlock!_

_Wait didn't we just cover this you said you were just saying that and who's Sherlock?_

_AH!_

I screamed

_Just give me my smoothie! _

_Blueberry banana mango strawberry blitz !_

_Well aren't we miss Cranky?_

_I'm not cranky!_

_Pms then?_

_NO!_

More snickers a few cute boys made faces I saw one recording this which pissed me off more. A few were pointing and laughing in my face.

_I don't have my period!_

_That will be 7:50 _

_7:50!_

_For the apple pie ala mode on a stick and your smoothie!_

_AH!_

_I got you Carly _

I spun to see Freddie standing there grinning..

_Can this day get any worse!_

I screamed out huffing as I pushed past him.

Sam's house was in the worst section of of Seattle's urban area. Broad day light and there were drug deals going down right on the corners car alarms were blaring no cops in sight. Broken glass littered the streets. Gang members were pacing the streets marking their Territory hobo's were sleeping on steps drunk. A fight had broken out a few blocks down a few cops had showed up and were Tasering

kids

Sam's house was barely what you could call standing half of it was collapsed the roof was more holes then it was shingles water damage had destroyed the whole right side. Bricks were broken and missing from the sidewalk the grass was dead bugs were flying and crawling all over. Windows were broken inside was dirty and dark.

We got out of the U-Haul T-Bo was looking around arm wrapped around me. Some boy whistled and T made a comment to him he backed off.

It smelled inside Gibby shined a flashlight which created a Erie glow. I felt something wet on my feet but was afraid to look. Wendy turned on another flashlight .

_Guess the electric bill wasn't paid_

_Figures she can't be bothered to take care of her own kid_

_Why would she pay her own bills?_

_Everyone take a different room and grab Sam's personal things_

_Ya know if Sam heard ya say that she'd deck ya_

_Ha ha good thing she ain't hear huh?_

_Living room _Gibby called

_Doubt the TV works Gib _

_Aw shucks basement_

_Kitchen _

_Figures T _

_I'll take the upstairs bedrooms that aren't hers _

_Kay thanks Wendy I got Sam's room_

I was looking through the drawers when a loud noise startled me I jumped screaming I threw myself on the floor screaming.

_Carly are you okay?_

_Yea T _

_What was that?_

_Car backup relax your fine sista_

_Phew_

Grabbing her suitcase I filled it with her boxers t-shirts, jeans, vests, socks , pants, shirts, dresses skirts . She really needs new clothes most were sizes too small too big or ruined with stains , rips.

I went into her bathroom and was shocked to see her shower had no curtains just a ripped bed sheet to stretch over the shower rod. It made me sad to see the conditions she lived in.

How could anyone live like this? Now I understood why she never let me come over. Getting her tooth brush, hair brush , facial cleansers, shaving creams razors. When I reached in I gasped finding a stash of razors that were not meant to shave with hidden inside the drawer . One was bloodied , my heart stopped I gasped sniffling I didn't want to cry but my heart was breaking.

How could she think she needed this? Didn't she know I was here to talk to always? She could crash at my place when home became too much. Why did she resort to Cutting? As hard as I tried to be strong I thought of Sam feeling so alone that she felt no one cared enough about her.

The tears slide down my checks no matter how I tried to stop them they kept coming harder and faster my eyes latched onto the gleam of the shiny metal with the over shadowing of red blotches.

I thought her scars were from Juvie. I didn't stop to think they were self inflicted god how could she be so desperate? How could she go so far? How far has she gone?

I needed to save these show them to Spencer to her therapist. Would it be crossing a line? Betraying her? Would she stop if I talked to her? Would she forgive me if I told?

So many questions so many tears no answers Why does life have to be so hard?

Sniffling I gulped trying to calm down splashing my face with the few drops of water I could get out of the facet. I threw the razors inside a baggie and slide them inside my pocket.

In her room I finished with her clothes and accessories I grabbed her chargers i-pod , music, photo albums, pictures from her nightstands looking around I searched for anything else she may need or want.

_Damn what does she have a whole army?_

_She's a teenage girl they come with extra baggage_

_Good one Gibster!_

_Gibby?_

_Yes Carly? _He looked at me with such longing that I almost laughed and held back almost..

_Shut-up _

_Yes Carly anything you say _

_Help me boys_

_To you? I'll help myself to you any day_

_Gibby!_

_Only in your dreams Man_

_You are the star of them every night_

_Um ew yea that's not creepy_

_Is that it? _

_The van can't fit any more!_

_Wait T.._

_For what? To be shot? Lets go man this place is creepy with a capital k! _

_Uh T Capital is spelled with a C not a K_

_You wanna walk home Gib?_

_No not really does it look like I walk anywhere?_

_Then shut your mouth fool I know how to spell k_

_Sure you do_

_I thought I heard something shut it guys so I can listen _

_Yea it's my heart pounding screaming I don't wanna die!_

_My legs are shaking my head spinning_

_Me-Ow~~_

_Yea I did hear something_

_No pretty girl it really is my stomach_

_Me-Ow~~_

_Well your stomach sounds a awful lot like a cat_

_That's cause I am one cool cat_

We groaned as Wendy and I started to search.

_Careful Carly it looks like a overgrown weed factory over here_

_Knowing her mom it probably is weed_

I made my way through mud, sticks ,bricks , broken wood , glass, bushes ..I heard the meow stronger.

Looking up at the tresses I searched ..in the cracks of the house under the porch walls drains .._Meow_

_Over here Carl's!_

I ran as fast as I could to where Wendy was in the backyard there was a giant hole in the yard filled with water covered in mud, glass , tree branches ,concrete , wood shredding.

_Oh my gosh this poor cat is trapped in this water by that tree he looks so weak so cold we have to help him Carly. Or her..._

_It's him it's Sam's cat Frothy.._

_T-Bo hurry up!_

_What? Where's the fire!_

_Aw man no fire?_

_No we have a cat stuck though _

_Aw who cares_

_I do it's Sam's cat_

_Well why didn't ya say so man?_

_Cuz we thought you would know_

_Yea what the Gibby said_

It took almost a hour for us to move all the objects he kept looking at me with such innocent eyes he was laying flat on his side trying to reach to me but he was too weak.

_I'm coming Frothy hold on_

_Meow_

Taking off my shoes I slide down into the dark disgusting waters it was cold I felt Chiz crawling on me . I felt sick but I knew Sam loves this cat so I would do whatever I had to for her.

She almost died saving this cat when he was a baby trapped in a ravine, she was in the hospital for a week and a half with pneumonia.

_Almost there Carly girl don't think of the creepy thingies crawling on you just think of Sam's face When she see's him._

_Ew Ew EW get off of me!_

_Thanks Wendy I wasn't thinking of them before you said it!_

_No prob!_

_Meow!_

_Got ya mister get over here_

I grabbed the cat and pulled him free. Chocking as water rushed into my mouth.

_Oh my god! _

Sam's face lit up the minute I walked into the apartment her face was all I needed for a thank you.

Frothy had been cleaned checked by a vet given shots and a IV antibodies and was now sleeping in his new cat carrier.

Sam leaped off the couch running over to us he perked up as he saw her and started crying out to her I let him out and she scooped him up scratching behind his ears he laid in her arms and purred.

_I thought I lost you boy!_

_Thank you Carly thank you so much!_

She wrapped her arms around me holding me so tight I almost couldn't breathe. I could smell her amazing fruity shampoo's and conditioners. I never noticed how sweet her hair smelled before . She rested her head on my shoulder so I took the liberty to run my fingers through her hair over her scalp.

We stayed frozen for about five minutes until Spencer came in with a portable grill.

_How about BBQ tonight?_

_No Spence were already blacklisted from the fire department!_

_Chilax Carl's it's gas!_

_Did you get the meat? _

_Meat?_

_To BBQ?_

_I knew I forgot something dang it!_

_Next plan!_

I was exhausted after dinner so I went to lay down while Sam and Spencer talked.

Sam slept straight through breakfast Sunday morning which freaked me out another meal she had missed since being home.

Once I had gotten a shower and gone downstairs, I rushed Spencer who was in the middle of a karate lesson from a card broad cut out, I screamed as he landed a kick on the side of my head and threw myself down on the ground as Spencer was spun all around and landed with a thud and a ow.

_Spencer what happened at the Dr's office?_

_Is Sam okay?_

Spencer was quite as he prepared the french toast, eggs , bacon.

_Spencer?_

My voice challenged him his eyes avoided me so I went and grabbing his arms.

Sighing he stopped and looked at me.

_Carly you know anything that happens is confidential whatever Sam said or whatever the Dr said is between them and I can't tell you._

_She's my best friend Spence my sister _

_So ask her_

_I did she won't say she doesn't want to worry me but it makes me more worried not knowing! _

_Maybe she has her reasons give her time sis_

_What can be so awful she won't tell her best friend?_

_That's for Sam to say Kiddo _

_Did she seem okay? What about the bruises?_

_She seems very sad Carl's she's scared and she needs lots of love and patience..She'll pull through she's strong._

_She's a little more underweight then the Dr would like and she's under nourished but will fix that._

_You heard Dr. Warp it'll take time she was in Juvie awhile she needs time to recover she'll bounce back _

_Dr. Kress was very nice and wants to see her back in two weeks. She treated Sam's cuts. Gave her medications and creams. She'll heal faster and she'll be fine._

_Spencer I found something yesterday while at Sam's place _

_What is it kiddo?_

I stopped for a minute should I ? Shouldn't I?


	9. Chapter 9 If It Isn't Her

**If It isn't her **

**Carly's p o v**

_Aw come on Sam this would look so awesome on you_

_Yuck Carl's ya know I don't do dresses_

_Aw but your so pretty _

_So are Kitties they don't have to wear dresses_

_Your a normal girl not a kitten a teen age girl Sam _

_So?_

_So don't you want to impress some cute senior boy? _

_Nah not worth my time_

_Come on don't you want to double date Friday's? I plan to get a bf this year that's for sure and I want my BFF there with me.._

_Well at least for some of the time.._

I smirked making Sam raise her eyes brows

_What about Pete?_

_So Last year_

_Jake? _

_Too dumb_

_Dylan?_

_Too weak Pansy I Beat him at wrestling last year _

_Sam you beat professional wrestlers! _

_Touche Carl's _

I giggled as she licked her ice cream cone while I tried on a dress in the Jr Section of Macy's . Spinning around I looked in the mirror glancing at the one I had on .

_You Look Uh-Maz-ing Carl's _

Sam had stopped to stare at me mid lick her eyes glued to me which made me blush why did her staring at me so intently suddenly make me so nervous?

Why did it suddenly make me so hot and clammy?

_Uh Sam Are You Okay?_

She approached me I felt my whole body heat up what was wrong with me? Was I getting sick? I swallowed looking at her as she came directly in front of me . My throat was so dry it was like sandpaper on chapped skin.

I could feel a sudden rush in my head as I opened and closed my fists which were turning white.I was sweating and breathing heavy.

What was Sam going too do? She placed her hand on my left hip our eyes locked how come I never noticed the depth of blue that they were? Like a ocean in the eye of a storm before it turns all black and icky there's a brilliance of blue rays mixed with a splash of pure white.

Was she going to kiss me? My heart pounded was it fear? My legs were trembling.

_Sam?_

_Shh cupcake _

_Sam what are you.._

She pulled me close and I could feel her body pressed so close I could count every breath she took every rib every bone..

She leaned closer I could smell her mint choc chip breath her fantasy perfume.

_Sam you know I love you _ ._.You know that I do _

She giggled

_Relax Sunshine this will be quick_

_Sam.. _

Swoosh..A breeze of air shot past me I looked up she grinned

_What did ya think I was gonna kiss ya?_

_Uh..I.._

_I don't roll that way I didn't think you did either.._

_Uh I don't Sam you know I don't_

_Totally straight Sam you know I love boys!_

I flashed her a sweet smile she grinned as she slapped my butt.

_I know my little boy toy and they love you to doll_

She leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

_Their really love you if you wear this sexy number to school _

I blushed feeling self conscious in the short black spaghetti strapped sliver sparkle dress which went and stopped above my knees. It split in the mid section revealing my stomach.

Her hands lingered on my body which felt right . Was I relived She didn't kiss me? Cause it didn't feel like it , I almost feel like it was a disappointment.

_Excuse me your blocking the aisle stupid hormonal teenagers get a room queers_

Queer? Wait we weren't! _.._Were just friends.

I wanted to shout but I was frozen to my spot I felt Sam take my hand it was warm and fit perfectly.

_Sam stop _

She was ready to go for the kill on this rude lady so I grabbed her but she broke free and charged at her..

_Got a problem lady? _

_Sam stop.._I hissed in her ear the women froze in terror Sam's eyes tore into her making this lady tremble as she looked around.

I pulled her away glaring at the woman.

_Bitch _

Sam muttered but walked away heading to the changing area.

_Momma you need to pick something out for school_

_Huck Yuck Puke Ugh..._

_Huh? _

_That's what I think about school_

She sighed rolling her eyes crossing her arms glaring at me I laughed throwing my arms up she grinned thinking she won as she dropped her arms and I went in for the kill tickling her. She squealed trying to fight me off as I tickled her relentlessly chasing her back into the dressing room .

She hates Back to school shopping almost as much as back to school itself.

Why did I feel a sense of power and pleasure at making her strip in front of me?

She stood there glaring at me why did I never notice that her legs were so soft? Why did I let my fingers linger just a bit longer why did I feel like I was sparkling with light fire passion?

_Shay I think your hiding from me_

_Huh?_

_I think you like seeing me naked I think it gives you a rush.._

What the hell? Did she read my mind? My heart was pounding harder so hard I almost thought I was going to have a anotherattack. My hands shock as I held the pair of pants I wanted her to try on , my face heated up she stared into my eyes and smiled.

_Kidding Shay Chillax Girlie _

She hugged me as I tried to laugh it off but my mind was spinning with a thousand thoughts.

_You know I love you Sam _

_Who couldn't? I'm adorable and Sweet and dependable _

_So is a puppy_

_Woof Woof_

_Down girl _

I patted her head

_I just don't I mean..._

_Carl's relax I know it's called teasing babe _

_Come on enough talk Momma's hungry!_

_Uh Sam_

_What?_

_You can't leave yet_

_Why? Just grab what you think will look good on me I trust you this is boring_

_Yea great but you still can't.._

_I'm free Carl's I can do whatever_

_Oh your free alright Sam_

_Yes exactly so_

_Free as in naked and .._

_Oh chiz!_

She covered herself laughing as I giggled.


	10. Chapter 10 Out From Under

**Out From Under **

**Carly's p o v**

Shopping had exhausted Sam so she went right to bed as I started on a list.

**Carly Shay's Back To School goals 2011**

**#1 Maintain a average of straight A's For every Class**

**#2 Learn Some new way to make a difference to the future and works towards it **

**#3 Apply to all the top school's and make sure I get in**

**#4 Make Sure My GPA is in the top percentage **

**#5 Make Sure I am accepted for the NHS National Honors Society Again**

**#6 Do extra credit for every class**

**#7 Keep Sam out of trouble [sigh] **

**#8 Make iCarly even bigger and better ..wait scratch that I canceled iCarly dang it**

**#9 Not get caught up in senioritis stay focused on these goals**

**#10 Get enough sleep on school nights**

**#11 Hangout with my friends only on weekends because hanging out on weekdays made me not do my homework or study sometimes .**

**#12 I think I want a boyfriend, but not right when school starts, maybe after a few months. I want to experience true love but not go head over heals and lose who I am.**

**#13 Join a club and do community service **

**#14 Not miss more then 3 days of school**

**#15 Rank #1 in the national dance competition **

_Carl's how's that list coming?_

_Doing good Spence_

God it made me sound boring like I was trying too hard to be perfect. I wasn't perfect not by a long shot. Making lists just helped me to stay focused and organized it gave me a sense of what I needed as guidelines for the year.

I started making lists in the 4th grade the year I turned 8 when my whole life changed.

Before Fourth Grade I lived in Yakima which is a subdivision of Washington it was just me ,Spencer and Our Mom Miranda Shay And Our Dad Colonel Steven Shay our dad was stationed in Washington D.C at the white house. Mom was a Art teacher at my Elementary School we use to ride together she was pretty much my best friend I could talk to her about anything , I idolized her she was smart with bachelor's degree in Arts From The School of Visual Arts in NYC she could play almost any instrument piano, drums , guitar , sax, french horn , violin. She had the voice of an angel and loved to sing.

I loved where we lived we were smack in the middle of the gated community everyone knew us and we knew them. Our development was newly built our house had 4 floors to it and I had my own bedroom which also had a playroom attached to it and a music room mom was teaching me how to play the piano and guitar. Our house was brick with huge windows that were purple and black shutters and blinds. Our front was lined in stones with a fountain with a small waterfall. We had tons and tons of backyard. Spencer and I each had our own sections of the yard where we could bring over our friends.

Back then my best friends were Haley Ramiro and Taylor Cosgrove we did everything together . We played barbies dress up hop scotch fairytale land which is a game we made up where we pretended to be princess and queens of our own made up countries we acted out these fantasies in our back yards Haley lived on my left and Taylor on my right, So we had plenty of yard space.

October of the year I was seven my dad was shipped off to the naval base in Seal Beach I made a new friend Missy Robinson she helped fill the gap left by Haley and Taylor who I missed so dang much. Missy and I connected so fast it was scary we seemed to just get each.

Just as I was settling Dad was transferred back to Yakima Missy and I cried as we said goodbye. Things worked out though cause my grandparents had moved into our old house so at least mom wasn't stressed trying to find a place. Life went back to normal I settled into my normal routine Mom got her job back. Plus she took hours at the local high school teaching music our house was always filled with her students who she taught extra help to from home.

Spencer was a typical nineteen year old he was living at home while working part time at a clown agency which rents out clowns for parties. Saving up money while he was in collage where he couldn't decide what he wanted to major in.

Meanwhile Mom and I did everything together we went shopping every week as a mommy daughter bonding session. She took me to dance classes and vocal lessons gymnastics. She was always telling me how beautiful I was that I was her little fairy princes.

Mom use to model when she was younger she was tall thin and beautiful the envy of all my friends moms. Expect she was so sweet you couldn't hate her she taught us that it was what was on the inside that counted most.

March of that year my whole life became a nightmare mom started having dizzy spells feeling weak she found a lump on her left breast, she went to have it checked out and they sent her for tests and had to have a biopsy.

She was diagnosed with Stage IV mammary Ductal cell carcinoma otherwise known as Breast Cancer.

She required a bone marrow transplant, chemotherapy, breast surgery and many radiation sessions.

She was so sick all the time I would hold her hair back and rub her back putting a wash cloth over her face , I would talk to her and make her laugh. She could forget about her pain and fear.

My mom fought for months about 4 months into it the doctors told us to be prepared that the cancer had spread to her lymph nods they also found cancer in her skull, ribs, sternum, thoracic and lumbar spine and pelvis. Mom sat us down and told us what was going on very honesty and openly she told us what to expect and asked us to tell her how we felt about everything . She told us things were going to change and we had to prepare ourselves.

Sitting on my bed that night I made a decision that I would do everything I could to make mom see that I could be the perfect daughter just like she always said I was. I knew she didn't need any stress or worry so I stayed up studying and making sure the house was cleaned and maintained making sure there was food in the house and that she had all her medications and anything she needed to be comfortable. I knew I had to get the best grades cause she always stressed good grades. She always told us A's and B's were going to get us far in life. Her main dream was for us to go to the top colleges and be happy.

Spencer took more of a role in my life he started coming home straight after class so he could pick me up from school and take me to dance class which was where I could escape dance was my refuge. I loved being able to move and get lost in a song and a routine. She refused to let me quit even though I knew it was costing money she needed for treatment.

It was strange having Spencer suddenly taking charge he had always been my older brother but I really never spent much time with him he was always off with his own friends at sporting events,school parties hanging out with friends or working. I usually only saw him on holidays or summer break even though he lived at home it was like he was never really there. Unless he needed money or mom to fix some problem he created.

Spencer however really stepped up to the plate he made me laugh and took my mind off my problems made me forget that mom was so sick and dad so far away. He encouraged me to stick with dance which I did cause I loved it. I was lucky to have a awesome teacher to who was always willing to give me extra lessons and time.

Mom fought so hard against the cancer it was hell watching her get sick after chemo watching her throw everything up. Seeing her long silky dark brown hair which I inherited from her getting thinner and more brittle till it fell out in clumps. She got so weak she couldn't walk which was a far cry from when she would pick me up and spin me around dancing like crazy. Which always made me giggle

On August 23rd My Mom Became a angel in god's garden I was devastated for as long as I had known she had been my whole world. Without her I didn't know who I was what I stood for my dad wasn't around and by then he had started a world tour and wasn't even home for the funeral so Spencer had become my legal guardian. Without any parents I had suddenly made the realization that I was no longer somebody's child. I didn't have a mom or dad to run to hold me when I cried I could never go to a daddy and daughter dance never have him give me away at my wedding .I could never go to a mommy daughter shopping trip ever again I would never see her at the birth of my first child.

I wish more then anything that I had more time with her time went by so fast and I never got to say what I really wanted to say.

Spencer acted quickly selling the house he thought we both needed a fresh start where no one would point and whisper those kids their the ones" _yea they lost their mom_" he bought a apartment in Downtown Seattle .

Grandad was not happy and tried to fight him but he had legal guardianship so he won out. I started a new school with no friends no mom and no idea how any of this had happened . I was still shaken and on top of it I was having asthma attacks like crazy earning me the nickname wheezy which I hated. Not that it mattered I was the new girl the outcast the nobody. I was a easy target they loved to shove me to the ground laugh at me kick me tease me hit me lock me into the lockers , bathrooms , boiler rooms. They stole my lunch my money my books. Smashed my new cell phone chased me home from school . So I buried myself in learning I knew one day it would change I just didn't know when. I prayed every night though.

I spent months crying afraid for my safety but I refused to tell Spencer he was struggling to build his art career stay in college and keep us a float. So I hid it all inside I didn't want to lose him to if Grandad knew how I felt he would yank me away. Spencer was my last link to mom and he was keeping me sane with his wackiness.

My one sort of friend was Freddie the shy kid across the hall who was always eager to please he would do anything for me which was creepy yet cute. Problem was he was shy and socially awkward so hanging with him sealed my fate if he would of hung with me he was too scared to approach me inside school.

He did give me flowers everyday though which was sweet. The other kids saw it as another reason to taunt me.

By mid year I wasn't just depressed I was so mad I just wanted to feel like I was apart of something like I mattered. I swore I would start to fight back I was tired of being bullied.

Dance was once again my reason to escape Spencer had found an amazing studio for me to take lessons at and a teacher who was willing to take the time to help me. Dance gave me purpose and a rhythm.

It gave me confidence Friday had been horrible I had been held down by girls twice as big as me thrown in the mud had my lunch and money stolen my shirt my shoes I was beaten and made fun of. They made up rumors and taunted me all day. I got in trouble with my teacher for being late cause they found a way to make me late. She said I was lying that I was just a trouble maker.

That night I lay awake wondering what was the purpose of living if life was going to be this horrible? I cried myself to sleep.

Saturday I went onstage and won gold in the competition for every dance number I was in it gave me the boast I needed. I felt like a winner and my teacher gave me advice that I needed to hear that when she was my age she was picked on and that it does get easier and no matter what happens I am not alone. Someday I will come out from under and I will shine bright. I just had to be willing to fight.

Fight I did Monday when some girl tried to steal my tuna sandwich by knocking me to the ground I got mad and got up and knocked her to the ground. She was stunned as she lay on the ground I felt bad I was raised to know better but she was grinning in shock that someone had fought back. I sat down and ate my sandwich she sat down next to me she looked sad and hungry. So I gave in and gave her half. She was small and thin under weight but she had a loud mouth and big eyes that tore into you.

She was dressed in baggy old clothes that were ripped and dirty her face was caked in blood from cuts and dirt. She was a mess...her eyes looked sad and tired I felt sorry for her but mostly I felt a connection a pull like someone else needed me to hang around.

For no reason at all I started to cry she asked if I was okay? She put her arms around me and held me close she didn't have to she could of laughed or made fun of me she didn't know me she didn't owe me. She didn't run away though she held me and took the time to ask what was wrong.

I invited her home with me that night where we sat up in my room watching girlie cow and listening to music we shared the same taste and we even wrote our first song together that night.

_You tell me what you are going through _

_I know how you feel I am there to_

_Every day they hurt me in the same way_

_Though I try I feel I am far to shy_

_But it doesn't give them all the right_

_To hurt me and yet some how they feel free_

_Every night I am fighting off the tears_

_Yet you ask if I am okay_

_Cause I don't know what to do_

_Should I reveal what they put me throu me?_

_You are not alone just like you I am hurting to_

_Do you find that terrible thoughts haunt your mind?_

_Those words that were just so unkind they replay _

_They loop throughout the day I'm betrayed the person I was to be_

_It's a prisoner that's yearning to be free _

_Without a key behind bars that shadow me_

We've been best friends ever since.

_Carly?_

_Yea Sam? _I sniffed

_What's wrong?_

_No..t..h..i..n..g_

_Don't lie Carlotta _

She came over yawing as she threw her arms around my shoulders resting her head on my shoulder blade ,

_It's nothing really_

_It's Really something Carl's I know you so just spill _

Sighing I tried not to but I broke down anyway she pulled me close tight and secure, just like Mom use to.

Sam fell back to sleep shortly after we talked so I laid there for awhile feeling her heart beating strong her arms wrapped around my mid section her head on my shoulder and thought about how lucky I was now how my life has turned completely around.

She had held me while I cried rocking me not saying a word while I bawled over my mom who had been gone for years.

She kept reassuring me while I was crying my eyes out that I didn't lose my mom or my dad I couldn't lose them they were a part of me a part of everything I do from now until I die I just couldn't see them in this life. She told me she would always be here for me I begged her to stop tempting fate that I needed her here with me not locked up or buried.

She promised me she could stay out of trouble I hope she can keep that promise.

Finally around 6 my bladder was bursting so I sneaked out from under her arms. I tried to be strong for Sam even though we both knew it wasn't my best feature. Sometimes though I just felt like I could never get out from under this depression and betrayal. It sneaked up on me just when I thought I was happy it hit me full force.

It was like I was drowning in it and she was my only air. Sam's arrest triggered the latest stint the start of school was just adding to it. Mom had always made the first day such a occasion always so full of enthusiasm about how she thought we would do who we would get what she would teach all her new students what they would teach her.

Worst of all she loved seeing us grow up learning new things she loved watching us discover and work things out. The first day was always full of pictures and hugs tons of them. She would brag to all her friends about how smart and big her kids were.

I missed that every year she made us make a list of goals and wanted us to stick to them Spencer usually lost his or set it on fire the first week . I loved the idea and wanted to please her so I stuck to mine and thought it out carefully. She always told me she could count on me to do what was right.

_I won't let you down Mom_

_I promise_

I whispered into the night air met with the sounds of honking cars and chirping birds, and a soft wind.


	11. Chapter 11 Cyber World

**Cyber World **

**Carly's p o v**

Wendy's2cool4u: _How's Sam? She love the little 3 legged surprise? _

_iBeCarly: Omg she loved it lol thanks for helping girlie_

_Wendy's2cool4u: No prob My Pleasure Sam is a good friend hate she's going through all this chiz_

_Did you check your profile? Damn girl those iCarly fans are going to town posting all kinds of chiz on your profile._

_ibeCarly: What do you mean? I was only away for a little while what the heck?_

_Wendy's2cool4u: The news broke that Sam was in Juvie man the Creddie and Seddie fans are at war it's insane!_

_Carly you may want to take this down make it a fan page get a new personal one for real this is crazy!_

_ibeCarly: This was suppose to be my personal one :[_

_Wendy's2cool4u: I know sucks chiz huh? You just want a place where u can talk to friends and family and all these people are blowing it up._

_Their leaving some nasty stuff to you better check it out I feel bad for the little kids who come here and have to read this stuff._

_ibeCarly: Hold up I'm getting a incoming IM request let me see who it is.._

A message popped up on my screen so I clicked view..

iamnotanub is not on your friends list has sent you a request do you want to accept this request?

I huffed Give it up Freddie why can't you get it I hate you!

_Sorry Wendy Freddie's tripping again _

_Wendy's2cool4u: That Boy has got it bad when will he get what he did was so wrong? That's why you are so pissed.._

_iBeCarly: Probably when Sam beats it out of him _

_Wendy's2cool4u: Lol Omg I can't believe your encouraging her _

_iBeCarly: I am not I'm just saying_

_Wendy's2cool4u: Sounds like encouragement to you _

_iBeCarly: Aw what do you know?_

_Wendy's2cool4u: Heeey that wasn't nice_

_I know something you don't know_

_iBeCarly: What is it?_

_Wendy's2cool4u: Oh so you wanna know? _

_ibeCarly: No I'm asking for my personal health benefits_

_Wendy's2cool4u: Smart-ass_

_iBeCarly: Is it idk let me ask it..hold up.._

_Wendy's2cool4u: Ah shut it dang you professional web comedians make me sick you all think your so dang funny and your so touche .._

_iBeCarly: I like to touch give me a boyfriend and I will show you how much _

_Wendy's2cool4u: Omg girl wow Dirty mind Chiz mom's calling me will continue this later settle down girl...G2G TTYL Omg Forgot 2 tell ya met this super cute boy .._

_Wendy's2cool4u Has signed off _

Sighing I went off Chat mode and went to my main profile of my Myface page She was right people were posting messages like crazy. I went through and read some.

Creddie4eva: _Hi Carl's I am a huge fan of iCarly and I love you and Freddie together I miss the show have fun on vacation. Can't wait for iCarly to resume._

_CarlyShipper: Hey Carly I'm Karma I just wanted to say I love your pictures looks like you tanned so much this summer your so gorgeous . Have fun Carly please make some new shows when you are back._

_Creddiel8ver: What happened to iCarly? iMiss iCarly_

_Just2sexy: Carly omg y r u so sexy? I hate you stop being so pretty your 2 sweet 2 hate 2 pretty 2 like._

I chuckled at that one she was so confused. The comments got worse after that.

Creddiel8ver: _Creddie4eva! Forever Forever! Carly is perfect for Freddie They belong together Seddie is so over Sam needs to grow up and stop being so stupid and reckless she is a disgrace and she belongs back in Juvie._

_Seddie4life: Sam is so funny! I love her! She doesn't take herself to seriously !Freddie is to tight lipped he needs to loosen up Sam is just the girl that can do it for him!_

_GoofyGilbert: SEDDIE SEDDIE SEDDIE SEDDIE! SEDDIE SEDDIE SEDDIE!_

_Maxieisrad: Sam is to immature she needs to grow up Freddie needs a women like Carly she's smart ambitious, sassy, gorgeous and she takes charge all Sam can do is get charged Sam's lazy Carly works hard. Sam's irresponsible she's going no where in life expect jail or the cemetery. icarly needs to ditch Sam. _

JonesSista's: _Why is Sam a part of this show? Carly is the brains of the show she does the hard work she should fire Sam and get with Freddie._

_CreddieWorshipper: Creddie 2 cute 4 words_

_Stopthebashing: What's with all this Sam bashing? She's every bit as pretty and smart as Carly she's super funny and iCarly would not be iCarly without Sam._

_So she's a little lazy hello she's a teen aren't we suppose to be a little lazy a little to self absorbed a little to cocky? Oh and she's also Carly's bff this is Carly's personal page which she is sweet enough to add us to how do you think she feels reading this chiz about her bff? You call yourselves her fans but you bash her bff lame …_

FYI: _Gr8 pics Carly you look like you had loads of fun on the beach wish I was there you look so relaxed your grandad does not look like he was having fun. ...not a beach bun huh?_

SkyeBlue: _Sam's a whore Freddie should mute her permanently I heard she was locked up again shocker! Not I heard she killed someone what a loser Carly your stupid for taking her back let her rot in there do society some good clean up Seattle's trash ..go screw yourself Sam and when your done put us all out of our misery and die!_

I was shaking so bad how could peoplebe so cruel? So disrespectful? Didn't they understand this was my personal page? Didn't they get Sam and Freddie read these messages? Well Freddie can't now since I blocked him but that was besides the point . Sam's wasn't heartless she felt all these emotions and they tore her up inside.

The final straw Someone had taken a personal pic and added horns and scrolled across Sam these words..Slut and Fatty Pig Bitch across her face.

That was it! I was done I took down my personal pictures and quotes my info and made it into a fan page. Then I reported these idiots and left a message to my fans ..

**To My Loyal iCarly Fans**

_**Hey everyone Carly here I just wanted to leave a little message explaining what I did. I'm sure you will see a difference in my page here .It's unfortunate I had to do this but like many of you I made a MyFace page to talk to friends who I don't get to see very often and keep out of town family members updated on my life. **_

_**Unfortunately it's gotten out of hand some very rude [Cough] fans started leaving hate messages for Sam and even me and Freddie as far as I am concerned it's uncalled for it's rude it's disrespectful and it hurts. No one has the right to disrespect someone harass someone threaten someone it's called Cyber Bullying and I will not tolerate it! I hate to punish those of you who respected my privacy and my friends. But I need my space and I can't feel safe here anymore so I am saddened to do so but I am deleting all my friends removing my personal pictures and info. **_

_**I love my fans and I wish it didn't have to be this way but it does. I don't come here to read personal attacks against the ones I love from people who know chiz about them and just want to quote rumors.**_

_**To my fans don't believe anything on the web unless you hear it from Me or Sam..know that we love you and we love doing iCarly. This is not an attack against you just a need for my own sanity.**_

_**To those who feel the need to bash get a life..your pathetic and selfish and cruel. Respect is a must in my life and I don't feel I can get that here anymore. So I'm squashing it now before it does me more harm. **_

_**Love Forever Carly Shay**_

I spent the next few hours making a personal page which meant making a new Email which took 20 minutes. I was getting so frustrated Freddie would have been able to help me get it sorted out in minutes but I was beyond pissed at him even more so.

When Spencer called For Dinner I used it as a escape. Sam wouldn't wake up for anything so I gave up.

When I finally got the page done I gave a sigh of relief. Leaning back I closed my eyes feeling very tired.

A soft ding woke me up rubbing my eyes I looked up to see a new friend request yawning I clicked on view and read what it said.

_Hi Carly Would you add me? Please I know Wendy from work I think your adorable and so funny Wendy talked about you all the time. I would love to get to talk to you and I promise to respect tour privacy. Wendy said you were big on that. _

Should I add him? What if he was lying and said he would respect me but went and sold me out? I know part of living is trusting but that could mean getting burned. I trusted Freddie and he burned me and Sam bad.

Another ding caught me by surprise checking I saw Wendy was back ..Quickly I Im 'ed her

_iBeCarly : Hey Girl Wassup? Do you know this guy who's iming me? His name is..._

I checked his user name..

_AJ..No Wait TJ..._

_Wendy's2cool4u: Yes that's the dude I met at work this summer he's super cute and sweet total catch and he likes you..a lot..lol_

_iBeCarly: He doesn't even know me how can he like me?_

_Wendy's2cool4u: I may of kind of told him stuff about you..like how funny you are and how sweet and pretty.._

_iBeCarly : Aw that's sort of sweet in a creepy way..._

_Wendy's2cool4u: lol :} Thanks wasn't trying to like invade your privacy or anything but he seems so nice I just want to help ya out you need to get out more girlfriend date some.._

_iBeCarly: Well I was trying to experience that more ..Maybe this could work...So you think it's safe to add him?_

_Wendy's2cool4u: Yea he won't betray you he seems cool.._

_iBeCarly: Okay I'll take your word chickety thanks.._

I pressed accept and smiled seeing his picture dang he was cute!

What should I say to him? He beat me to it..

_TJ: Hey Pretty Girl thanks for the add I can't wait to get to know you .._

_iBeCarly: What's your full name?_

_TJ: Wow you cut to the chase fast.._

_iBeCarly: Yea I am not going to be messed with here I want to know some things I was burned by a suppose friend and I won't be burned again. _

_TJ: Who ever burned you is a jerk and isn't worth your time Pretty Girl I won't make that mistake_

_So if it helps you to know things ask away and I will tell ya all.._

_Name's Tyler Jacob Alan I'm17_

_iBeCarly: Where do you go to school?_

_TJ: I don't I'm home schooled through the K12 Program_

_iBeCarly: How Long have you been home schooled for and why? _

_TJ: Wow you don't leave anything untouched lol I kinda like it pushy girls usually turn me off but with you it's cute.._

_iBeCarly: Sorry didn't want to be too pushy I just want to know some things basic things I will tell whatever you want to know.._

_TJ: Fair Trade Babe well I started home school when I was 15 went to private school before that it wasn't around here though I'm from La originally My mom's a part-time actress and a doctor ,my dad was a doctor in the navy so we traveled a lot..the school is called Hollywood Arts ..it's for kids who want to be actors , singers.._

_iBeCarly: I know that school I have friends who go there..do you know Tori Vega?_

_TJ: Um Yea lol she's my ex girl friend we broke up when my dad was transferred two years ago..Were still friends you can ask her I'm a cool dude._

_ibeCarly: You sound like it I want to talk more running out of time though ..Starting to get a headache I need to take a some medication and get ready for school._

_TJ: Okay hope you feel better babe can't wait to talk more .._

_iBecarly: Aw that's sweet thanks me to..G2G TTYL_

Logging off I sighed he was totally smoking hot and he seemed so nice maybe I could do both this year. Get awesome grades and have a smoking hot BF can't be that hard can it?


	12. Chapter 12 Night Time

**Night-Time**

Note books Check

Pens check

New Book Bag check

Clothes check

Laptop check

Water Bottle Check

I had already checked my freaking supplies like twenty times but I couldn't go to sleep I was just to nervous my legs were twitching and my heart pounding as I turned from the computer to see Sam sound asleep. My eyes burned my head was spinning why couldn't I sleep as soundly as her? She slept like she didn't have a care in the world.

Sighing I got up and went to grab a water bottle. Maybe walking would dome some good.

**Sam p o v**

Hands reach up grabbing me pulling me down into a dark deep abyss I was chocking and I couldn't get out of the grasp. I was screaming but no one heard me they were laughing as I was dying and no one cared.

I woke up feeling like I was chocking drenched in sweat it was dark pitch black and I was lost where was I? I yanked my arms free no chains grounded me. I swung my legs around with ease .. my feet met solid ground. Fumbling for a light I gasped as it basked me in golden rays looking around, I calmed my racing heart. I was safe I was in Carly's room placing my head between my legs so the dizziness would pass I took a few deep breaths. Where was Carly? I didn't want her to see me like this my eyes burned my wrists hurt rubbing them I saw the marks from the cuffs from Laura and her crew my stomach felt sick when I thought about what they did to me what they took from me.

Suddenly I bolted from the bed my legs trembling as I ran into the bathroom emptying the contents of my stomach for the sixth time in the last two days. Every time I woke up from the same nightmare, every time I threw up.

Leaning back my breathing was labored and fast I was sweating and dizzy I hugged myself as I sat back letting the tears build up till I almost let them out. Deep breaths I said to myself keep strong and calm down.

_Sam?_

Chiz Carly was back she couldn't see me like this quickly I flushed and washed my face.

_Taking a whiz be right out_

_Okay _

She giggled which made me smile she had the cutest giggle ..Wait did I just say she had a cute giggle? Carly's a girl I'm a girl...What the heck was happening to me?

Shaking my head I took a few deep shaky breaths.

**Carly's p o v**

_You okay Sam?_

_Chiz Yea just had to pee real bad shouldn't of had the double smoothie killed my bladder_

_Okay Going back to bed?_

_Yea why you still up?_

_Can't sleep_

_Stop stressing Carl's you'll be brilliant want a massage?_

_Sure sounds amazing_

_Oh Momma only gives amazing and nothing less_

I giggled slapping her butt as I laid on the bed she yawned as I took my shirt off so she could massage my back and shoulders. Her touch felt warm against my cold skin making me shiver slightly why was I suddenly feeling my whole body start to awake as she touched me her fingers working their way through my tight muscles. Letting a moan escape I closed my eyes she could always relax me when I was stressed out no matter what even when she was the cause. Finally sleep came after a hour of her massaging my tense body she worked her magic through my back shoulders and legs.

**Sam's p o v**

Carly's whole body was so stressed it took an hour to get her to loosen up. I hated knowing she was so tense and school hadn't even started yet. I swore to myself that no matter what I would do whatever I had to do. I would do so she wouldn't be stressed because of me. Her body was so cold which worried me I knew what it was like to be so cold you couldn't get warm no matter how much you shielded yourself. Why was she so cold?

Smearing some lotion on her which heated as I touched her body. I saw her shivering decrease as she let out a soft moan, Why did I feel myself heating up? My face was flushed as my lower half felt a warmth growing. Damn Carly's skin was so soft and silky I didn't want to stop touching her I enjoyed the feel of delicate soft skin between my fingers like yawn being threaded it warmed me up and brought me comfort. Hearing her moan made me smile knowing I was helping her instead of causing her to stress like I normally did.

I couldn't help expect stare at her perfect tanned toned back which arched just slightly I heard her giggle as I fingered her freckle on the right side which no one knew about Except Me and Spencer it was just below her rib cage the rest of her skin was clear and smooth. My fingers laced through her arms getting under her arms so her whole body was worked out .

When it was time to remove her shorts she asked me to do it she was too relaxed I was a nervous wreck Why was the infinite question. We've been BFF's forever we have changed in front of each other since we were 8 we've taken showers together shared the same bed and I never felt like this before there has been 2 or 3 times I can remember her being to sick to change and her being too embarrassed and stubborn to let Spencer help her so she asked me and I always did no problems.

_Sam.._

_Yea Carl's? _

_Something wrong?_

_Uh..N...o...s..o..r...r...y just um.._

_Making sure I got your whole back _

_You did Baby but feel free to do it again feels uh-ma-zing _

_Really?_

Did she really just give me another reason to touch her? Damn why was I thinking about this?

_Yea I never had a massage like this it's amazing_

_Thanks hon yea I'll do you again.._

Wow that sounded so wrong... slowly my fingers started to work as her shorts slide off .I breathed out a sigh of relief or disappointment she had panties on ..girlie ones of course laced light pink ones with little purple daises on them.

_Cute Underwear Carl's_

_Thanks Sam I know your snickering at my panties so .._

_Ah Don't say that word!_

_Panties.._

_I'll stop Massaging..._

_Sorry keep going!_

_Wow I got you hooked girlfriend!_

_Yes now don't stop!_

_Okay Geez _

_A Little Touche_

_Sorry I just .._

_It's okay baby I got you just relax and let momma help you _

_Momma's always here..._

I worked through her legs and hips her thighs every part of her making sure she was relaxed and pain free at some point I saw she was asleep, so I covered her and placed a robe by her bedpost. Kissing the top of her head as she settled for the night.

_Momma's always here .._

I whispered softly as I made sure her naked body was covered in case Spencer would to come in.

Sighing I climbed in it was going to be another long sleepless night.

The growling was only getting louder as I fought to get out of the grasp I tried to scream but the giant paw was covering my mouth ..I was too scared to move I felt sick but I couldn't throw up I couldn't move this damn cat was on my chest this huge tiger that had to weigh at least 200 lbs was sitting on my chest growling at me. Holding me down pawing me I was bleeding from the fresh raw cuts and he wasn't letting me up...I wanted to cry I wanted to scream but I couldn't...

Shooting up I gasped looking around I was in Carly's room I was safe ...My stomach came up full force as I ran straight to the bathroom almost stumbling.

10 minutes later I slide back into bed grabbing my i-pod as I turned into the pillow so I could at least try to get some sleep nothing seemed comfortable I cussed under my breath as I kicked Carly sighing glad that she didn't seem to wake up.

Maybe Some rap would help me sleep...


	13. Chapter 13 Discovering

**Discovering **

**Carly's p o v**

_Your Late! Carly Hurry up!_

_Harvard Said No Yale Said No your a loser Shay you'll never amount to anything!_

_Stanford passed you by it's waving good-by see you in no where's ville_

The world was spinning as I tried to shake the voices in my head I was falling and I couldn't stop I was trying to find Sam or Freddie..Where was Wendy?

I ran and ran past the fields past the buildings where the heck were they?

_Carly Where are you? Your late!_

_These were due two weeks ago Carly it's too late_

_No No I can do it just give me time!_

_There is no time ha ha ha ha..._

I screamed as I felt my feet lose their grip my body was weightless as I saw them finally they were walking in a line all of them my classmates why wasn't I there? Wait why were they wearing caps and gowns?

A sudden kick knocked me down my head stopped spinning but my stomach was throbbing as I opened my eyes where was I ?

Sighing when I saw I was in my room I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't given up after a hour I went over to my computer.

_TJ: Hey girlie what are you doing up?_

_iBeCarly: I Can't sleep grr _

_TJ: I'm sorry pretty baby wanna chat maybe it will help_

_iBeCarly: Sure why not I can't sleep _

_TJ: So what kind of music do you like?_

_IbeCarly: I Like a wide variety of different music genre's Mainly I'm into pop/rock Cuddlefish,_ _ Demi Love, Selena Russo, Hannah Montana , What about you?_

_TJ: lol I'm into more hard core rock music give me Hollywood Undead I'll be a Happy boy_

_iBeCarly: I'm sure you will be but I can make you a very happy boy_

_TJ: I bet you could I love a girl then can flirt and still be innocent_

_iBeCarly: Who's HU? What songs do they sing? Never heard of them_

_TJ: Only the best band ever who don't get enough recognition here's a link to their music _

_.com Some of their songs are Undead , Young , Here Me Now awesome group check them out._

_ibeCarly: I will sounds different_

_TJ: Different doesn't have to be bad_

_iBeCarly: No not at all_

_TJ: What movies do you like?_

_IbeCarly: Not horror Yuck To Gore_

_TJ: Lol You mean the politician or the genre? _

_ibeCarly: Both lol your 2 funny_

_TJ: Thank thank you I will be here all night every night.._

_iBeCarly: In that case so will I_

_TJ: Seriously? _

_iBeCarly: Yes.._

I should be going to sleep I had school the next morning and I needed my rest but dang it TJ was just so cute and he seemed so sweet. Plus I really enjoyed talking to him what could a few more hours hurt right?

_iBeCarly: So Do you miss going to school?_

_TJ: Hard question um I don't miss the pressure to look or act a certain way to hang with those who are social acceptable based on some ridiculous teen standards or waking up at ungodly hours I do miss being able to hang with friends at lunch time or just having kids who I can talk to in between bells. _

_ibeCarly: Were you into any after school activities? _

_TJ: Yea I'm a big music geek _

_iBeCarly: Hey the geeks take offense JK_

_TJ: Ah your 2 cute 2 b a geek anyway_

_iBeCarly: Aw thanks I guess_

_TJ: Welcome Cutie_

_iBeCarly: So any other activates?_

_TJ: Yea my dad Mr. Military Dude pumped his love of sports into me Soccer football Rugby Cricket Baseball you name it I was on the lacrosse team ..in my old school I was on the baseball and basketball teams. Plus boy scouts..._

_iBeCarly: Oh so that means your a good boy? :{ I love bad boys_

_TJ: I can be a bad boy trust me real bad_

_iBeCarly: Yay you don't collect pee wee babies do you?_

_TJ: Huh?_

_IbeCarly: Never mind phew_

_TJ: Your 2 cute and 2 funny I like that_

_iBeCarly: Aw thanks I like that You like that_

Yes I had him hooked dang this flirting was hard how did Sam do it all the time? She was always getting dates with guys. Then again who the heck would be crazy enough to refuse Sam?

What else should I say?

_TJ: It's getting late my cutie I better let you get to sleep so you can be brilliant and beautiful on your first day. I really enjoyed Discovering all this stuff about you .._

_iBeCarly: You don't have to it's only 3 am..yikes I can't believe we were talking that long _

_TJ: Sorry _

_iBeCarly: Don't be I'm not it's awesome!_

_TJ: Glad I could make you feel awesome! My job is done for now ..good night Cutie.._

_iBeCarly: Night Babe have a great day 2mor ..2day whatever lol_

_TJ: Thanks you to ..Send me pictures of your fist day.._

He wanted pictures? Oh my god that was huge! I was so giddy I could barely sit still..Before I could respond I saw the automated message..

_TJ Has signed off your message can not be delivered._

He may be off line but he was in my heart for sure. I sighed happily as I leaned back in my chair grinning happily. Staring at his icon happily feeling the butterflies in my stomach yawing I stretched finally crawling into bed by Sam who was sprawled out right leg crossed over her left back twisted so her front half was on her right side her lower half on my side , giggling I wedged myself next to her. When she promptly curled up closer to me snuggling against my chest sighing I wrapped my arms around her feeling her whole body relax against mine. Strange I thought When did Sam ever have trouble sleeping? Since when did she stiffen ? Stroking her hair and pulling her close I heard her whimper.

_What is it Sam baby?_

_What's wrong?_

Of course she didn't answer but she pulled herself closer her body still trembling slightly. I held her tighter worrying all the more about her.

I fell asleep holding her close as my mind filled with TJ's sweet face.


	14. Chapter 14 Waiting Outside The Lines

**Carly's p o v**

**Waiting Outside the Lines**

_Wakie Wakie! _

_N...o...o...oh..o..h.._

_Leave me alone! I don't care if peter the penguin marries..._

A Orange and black glow flashed before my eyes..

_AH!_

Where was I? Why was a tiger staring at me? My heart was pounding like crazy I was sweating,,My stomach was turning Did Sam give me some kind of drug to relax me and didn't tell me? Was I seeing things?

_Car-Lee..W..a..k..i..e _

I swatted at this imaginary tiger

_Get away from me_

_No I want you _

_I want to sleep leave me alone!_

I swatted again something caught my hand I yanked and yanked getting frustrated.

Darkness surrounded me I was running through a hall and no matter where I turned there was no light I saw signs though every one had a letter on it. They started with A+ and went down from there A- as I ran I heard the chants of pride and joy calling my name calling out congratulations, we love you's Carly.

As the signs got lower the chants diminished they became low menacing growls my mom's voice filled my mind. I heard her voice sad and disappointed she was crying my legs burned with exhaustion I stopped running as I sunk to the ground seeing the F sign above my head my eyes burned ..Barney was dancing around me clapping singing..._I Hate you We all Hate you Carly Shay is a loser! Loser! _

_Wake Up Carly!_

I shot up heart pounding out of my chest my stomach almost shooting up . I was drenched in sweat my whole body was shaking I covered my face in my hands trying not puke.

_Oh Carly Wak-ie Wak-ie _

_What do you..._

Sitting on my bed was a huge Orange and Black tiger chewing on his paw staring at me.

_Well are you going to get up or do I have to paw you up..?_

_Ha ha get it paw ..I'm a tiger..._

_What the hell who are you..where am I ? Spencer!_

I grabbed a pillow and started hitting it screaming for it to get out as I shot up making the tiger scream covering his eyes as he ran full speed tripping over the threshold and flying down the steps. That's when I saw I had taken my robe off last night so I was laying naked and my cover had come off when I shot up. Blushing I covered myself looking around.

Was that real? Was I dreaming?

What the hell?

_Sam I need you wake up!_

_Sam!_

No matter how hard I shock her or hit her she didn't wake up.

Great I groaned to myself as I got up to shower not only was I so damn tired I could barely keep my eyes open now I was seeing and talking to things not here . Damn I needed to get to bed earlier.

I let the water linger on my body trying ti waken up my stiff and sore body but nothing was working . Running the soap over my tan legs I smiled as I remembered how it felt to have Sam Massage me last night. Was that last night only? Just a few hours ago? It felt like a lifetime ago. What would it be like to have TJ massage me?

I smiled thinking of him just the thought of TJ touching me made me smile . I loved the thought of having a boyfriend I just needed to get Sam one so we could double date. Chiz I needed to get him as my boyfriend first huh?

_Carly get out of the shower now!_

_You have to get moving or you'll be late it's already 6:30 you need to be at school by 7:15!_

_Get Sam up now!_

Huffing I got out drying off as soon as I looked in the mirror I knew I would pay for last night there were deep bags under my eyes my face was pale my skin was breaking out a sure sign of anxiety.

Chiz school hadn't even officially started yet and I was already stressing , Anxiety I hadn't even gotten Sam up yet.

_Sam! Let's go! Sam!_

She turned over when I shock her kicking at my shin she missed I sighed in relief.

_Sam Baby Come on we need to get ready _

_S_A_M!_

Screw it I thought grabbing a glass of cold water and a pair of my panties dangling the panties over her face I poured the water on her. She shot up screaming shaking her head swatting at air .

_Ah Holy Chizness on crackers what the hell!_

_Good now you know how my morning went get up I overslept were late already_

_iOmg Carly Shay overslept on the 1__st__ day of school call the newspapers the paparazzi .._

_shut the..up..get up get a shower Puckett or I'm going,,,_

_Going to what Shay? Huh?_

_Panties ! _I threw them at her going over to my dresser she screamed jumping out of bed running into the bathroom.

Laughing I went to my closet half the battle of high school was fitting into the social scene which meant wearing the cutest hottest outfit. With all the drama I hadn't had much time to shop so what the heck was I suppose to wear?

_How about this one babe? You'll look gorgeous in it,,_

_Ah Sam! How the hell did you get done so fast?_

_Juvie Baby 10 minutes showers _

_Seriously though hon you'll look amazing in this shirt. It's almost as cute as you .._

_Aw thanks Sam you think I'm cute? I got the top at this really hip retro store in Yakima_

_Wait they do hip in Yakima?_

_Well no..in fact no.._

We laughed as I held up the top which was a black strapless top that came below the belly button but was shorter in back. The top was being sold to help promote Anti bullying programs for local schools . It was covered in words that could hurt kids and outlined with positive ones . The lettering was in pink and red. There was so many I couldn't even see all of them. The few I saw were ones like..

Hate-Love

Pain-Joy

Tears_Triumph

Blood-Hope

Waiting -Lines-Outside_Reach Out

Hopelessness – Believe

Nothing-Talent

Ugly- Beautiful

The words zigzagged and over lapped causing a almost 3d effect.

_What should I wear with it?_

She wiggled past me going into my closet pushing the control so it came forward. She scanned over the selections then scanned over my body I held the towel tighter. My legs trembled as I watched her eyes staring at my body why did it make me uncomfortable? We've helped each other with our outfits for years why did it suddenly make me feel this way?

_Strip Carl's I bet you will look smoking in this .._

She held up the black mini skirt which was outlined in pink faux leather ties that went up the sides.

_Wait these boots will complete it_

She grabbed my pink and black ankle boots Brushing back my hair behind my ears, I felt my face getting hot again. Sam arched a eyebrow and looked at me.

_Told ya Momma is always right bout her baby girl.._

_And Momma knows what her baby girl will look good in ._

Putting on the outfit I modeled for her I must be tired cause I swear I saw her eyes light up. I spun for her she fixed any winkles or bunches.

_See you should listen to what Momma says.._

_No thanks Sam I want to stay out of trouble_

_Watch Shay_

_I would like to watch you change so we can go.._

_Told ya you were holding out on me_

_Shout that mouth drop that towel and lets go Puckett!_

_No ! _

I laughed slapping her butt she grabbed my hands and started to tickle me my laughter rung out getting louder and louder as she tackled me onto the bed crawling on top of me.

_Stop Sam ! Stop!_

_We have to get going! _

_Why?_

_Cause were due at school _

_So who cares? _

_I do _

_Lighten up Carl's live a little _

_Is this living enough for you?_

I grabbed her towel ..

_Let Me up Puckett Or the whole Seattle Area will get a view of your women parts.._

_You don't have the guts Shay_

_Tempt me.._

_Tease me.._

_Huh?_

_Ah!_

She over threw me and jumped up laughing. I shock my head,

_What am I going to do with you Puckett?_

_Love Me?_

_Always.._

_Good now stop bitching and help Momma pick out what she should wear.._

I gave her a pair of skinny jeans one leg was dyed black and purple the other leg was a mix of orange white and red the pockets had jewels on them.

She held up a white belly shirt made of flannel and a multicolored vest.

_God Why do we have to be tutored like Carl's ?_

_What's our crimes?_

She was hanging on my shoulder I laughed patting her head..

_Were teenagers Sam that's our crimes_

_Ah so were being discriminated against the old fogies cause were young gorgeous and awesome and their well old?_

_Yea basically that's it _

_So punish me but don't make me go to school!_

_Please!_

_Don't beg Sam _

_Why I look adorable when I beg _

_Your always adorable But dogs beg your not a dog_

_Aw Shay you think I'm adorable?_

_See I told ya Shay.._

_Sam..._

She shut up I grinned hey maybe my stern look was finally paying off I could get into this.

I was feeling pretty good about my new found abilities then I looked up and saw what halted her yacking.

Spencer was dancing around in the kitchen to jungle world in a huge tiger suit.

_What in the blazes? _

_What the hell?_

_Spencer the tiger is making breakfast?_

I looked at Sam who was trying not to laugh as Spencer shock his butt uh I mean tail.. she looked at me I exploded laughing grabbing her. We both fell into the banister laughing like crazy.

_Hey What's for Breakfast Frosted Flakes?_

He put down his spoon looking at us ..

_No tiger jokes we animals have feelings to.._

_Yea with your paws right Tony?_

_Sam!_

_Do you want your extra Bolivian bacon extra Canadian Bacon cheese __omelette__?_

She stopped eying the plate her eyes wide mouth open.

_Give Momma her food!_

_Not until you say your sorry _

_Momma needs her food!_

_AH!_

She went after him he ran screaming tripping over my book-bag the plate went flying Sam went after it leaping in the air doing a tuck and roll as she caught the plate landing on the couch.

_I'm impressed Puckett_

_So am I _

Spencer stood missing his head looking dazed as Sam happily munched.

_What are you having Carly?_

_Cereals fine with me tony my stomach is feeling a little uneasy_

_Nerves kiddo? _

Spencer flipped my hair back as he massaged my shoulders as Sam moaned happily

_Aw this is so good Momma is so happy_

I giggled

_You'll do fine Carl's just remember to breathe take your time and don't stress.._

_Easier said then done_

Suddenly the thought of all the up coming tests,essay's ,deadlines late night studying extra credit assignments. Class projects community service all piled up on me.

The ground came rushing towards me everything was off balance out of proportions, My stomach felt like when roller-coaster last year that Sam tricked me into going on.

_Carly?_

Sam yelled as I bolted out of the room covering my mouth ..

_Carly_

Sam came in and pulled my hair back as I emptied everything from my stomach into the toilet I felt her rubbing my back which soothed me.

_Carl's you okay?_

_Baby?_

Everything from the past week came up till my legs gave out.

Sam's arms caught me as I fell she dragged me to the nearest free space I felt the smooth wet cloth slide over my face .My breathing was labored.

_Calm Down Carl's _

_Everything's going to be just fine Momma's got you.._

She curled me up in her arms leaning my head on her shoulders.

The gentle pattern of her hand against my back soothed me till it was just hip-cups.

_Girls Lets go!_

_It's already 7!_

Placing my head on her shoulder I felt Sam hug me .

_Carly relax it's okay your anxiety is just acting up you'll be fine sweetie don't put so much pressure on yourself baby._

_You don't need to be perfect your human we all make mistakes_

_I have to get into the best collage _

_That means getting nothing less the A+'s all year which means studying all the time_

_We have Dance competition's every week we have to be at practices every night.. We have to find a way to save iCarly.._

_You have to pace yourself_

_You can't do it all at once calm down Carly Girl._

She stroked my hair running the cloth over my face.

_No One can be perfect Carl's and for you to expect yourself to be is ludicrous._

_Carly you need to find ways to channel your stress mange your daily tasks try making a list each mornings of what you need to do and ways to do them make out a time frame and try to stick to it. _

_You like your Lists _

_Make a list in every class of what notes you need what books what you need to do.._

_After school go through that list one at a time.._

_That's a good idea_

I felt my breathing ease as my face burned less and less.

Closing my eyes I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself.


	15. Chapter 15 A Chance

**Carly's p o v**

**Take A Chance**

_We need pictures girls lets go what are you doing?_

Slowly we got up and went into the living room where Spencer was fooling around with his new home made camera.

_I'll be quick girls I promised dad I would get loads of pictures for him to show off to all his soldiers he's so proud first day of your senior year._

_Fine but hurry Spence were already late_

Sam and I posed silly making him laugh she stuck out her chest wiggling her butt fixing her curly hair .

_I'm ready for my close up now Mr. President _

I laughed like crazy my stomach hurting as Spencer stared

_Wow when did u get boobs?_

_Ew Spence she's 17 why are you looking at her chest?_

_I know 17 such a shame_

_Perv_

_Stuck up_

_Take the picture already sick freak_

_Fine Miss. Prissy but you better loosen up or you will have a lot of nick names this years_

_Spencer!_

_Fine 3..2..._

_BOOM! _

The camera exploded in a glow of orange as he stood there in shock Sam shot up

_I didn't do it! You can't prove it! Call my lawyer!_

I groaned getting the fire extinguisher we were going to be so late now.

Finally smoke and flames dealt with we got the real camera and snapped our pictures , heading to my car Sam sighed.

_Do you really think it will be any different this year Carl's?_

_Huh?_

_They say senior year is when it all counts when you know where you' ll end up by next year they say it's suppose to be the best time of your life so far my year started out pretty crappy._

_It all boils down to what you make of it Sam you have got to be willing to make it work no one can do it for you._

_I'll make sure you have fun Sam I promise that_

I wrapped my arm over her shoulders she smiled

_You have to want to get good grades I can help you study but you have to do the work if you want to get into a decent school._

_Your smart Sam you can make it if you want to..do you want to?_

_Yea Carl's I do I don't want to end up in county jail I want to be with you having fun going some where I don't want to end up like my mom but I'm scared School's never been easy for me like it is for you and the nub._

_Don't say his name and I'll help you sometimes the stuff with the best rewards are the hardest to get to._

Traffic was horrible this early in the morning Sam was fooling with the radio trying to find decent music which wasn't easy.

_You okay Carly Girl?_

_Yea I feel a little better thanks Sam_

_No Prob baby just remember to chill and breathe your amazing and you' ll be fine_

_I'll always be here by your side_

_Thanks I know hey Sam_

_Yea?_

_You remember that to kay?_

_Of course your my Sanity.._

We high fived as I coasted down the streets Sam started to dance in her seat as she found a song she really liked. I was getting frustrated trying to get through this damn traffic jam by Seattle Center Sam laughed as I blasted a idiot who was trying to walk in front of the car as I tried to change lanes before the car behind me could sped in front of me he was coming at me fast to the walker gave me a sharp look as I slammed on the gas and got around the lane jam.

I was getting more irritable as I tried to make a left and almost got nailed on my back drivers side Sam gave me some advice and despite the fact I hated how she knew about how to get around the city at such a speeds I took it and within seconds we were back to being in the right lane on our way.

_Wait did you just give me advice on how to get to school?_

_Yea Yea don't rub it in Shay_

_Oh My god wonders never do cease _

We passed the Space needle made a left and went down two blocks finally cruising into the parking lot of Ridgeway high School 7:05 I sighed as I saw plenty of kids still lingering by their cars on the sidewalks in front of the school laying in the grass under tress music was blasting rap pop classic oldies there was a mix for every type. By 7:07 I was in my assigned spot and we were doing checks on each other before getting out.

_Don't make me do this Carl's _

_Aw take a chance Sam you may just like it this year_

She gave me a nasty look making me grin and shrug slapping her butt

_Well You never know unless you try_

As soon as we got on the side walks we were being stopped by old friends we hadn't seen all summer laughing and catching up. Wendy came up to us squealing as we hugged her. The three of us headed inside.

_Chiz I don't remember Ridgeway Being this crowded last year girls_

_Nah man your right Wendy this is crazy_

We were being shoved and hit some jerk punched my head as we tried to squeeze our way through the main hall. I held onto Sam for dear life Wendy grabbed on to me as a few seniors whistled at me mid football game I felt myself blush Sam waved blowing a kiss ..

_Watch it don't be a jerk_

_Ow.._

_Carl's are you okay?_

_Yea_

_Who pushed you?_

_Who cares Sam lets just.._

_Hey Jerk-face _

_Sam Don't.._

Before I could stop her she charged him shoving him straight into Miss. Briggs who went flying.

I hissed Sam's name as I pulled her arm hurrying down the steps to our lockers .

_Chillax Carl's she never saw me neither did he _

_What if someone else did? _

She shrugged

_Your on probation one violation and you get locked up again _

_I didn't violate anything there was no fight I simply defended you _

_By shoving him so hard he flew down the steps and landed on the meanest teacher at Ridgeway?_

_Hey Chiz happens not my fault he doesn't know how to land_

Rolling my eyes as we finally got to our lockers I had to laugh she looked so innocent.

_Got your books? _

_Books you know I hate to read_

_Sam you need your books for class_

_Why it's not like I'm going to do the work anyway lets not pretend that me being locked up is going to magically change things we both know perfectly well that I am lazy and don't care and even if I did I still have no hope at passing._

_Face it Carl's my whole life I've been called lazy irresponsible stupid after awhile you believe it ._

_Well stop believing it cause it's not true now come on we need to get to homeroom._

Sam groaned just as Freddie popped up by me I screamed out of shock grabbing Sam's hands and arms.

He held up a giant polar beer wearing iCarly sunglasses carrying a dozen red and white roses that wasn't enough the damn bear sang in Freddie's voice. He recited a poem..

_Please forgive me I know what I did was dumb_

_My heart breaks without you the ache is so bad I feel lost and so alone_

_I am so sorry Carly you are my light my love I wish I could make it up to you_

_My.._

_SAM!_

**Freddie's p o v**

She was on me in a instant Carly was so shocked she hadn't seen the way Sam's eyes were burning a hole in my head. I did the whole time I was backing away watching Carly's amazing honey eyes which I could lose myself in she was softening. I could see it her mouth went from a hard line to a almost smile . Dang she looked so hot in her mini skirt her legs looked so smooth I just wanted to reach over and slide my hands up her thighs her amazing gorgeous tanned so toned legs which left my mouth watering as my eyes traveled up stomach which looked thinner then a few months ago her tight shirt clung to her in all the right places even revealing her chest which as far as she was concerned was too flat I thought it was perfect. Her long hair had grown a 4 inches over the summer and was hanging in waves over her shoulders dark lushes brown blond tinted waves that I wanted to caresses. It was her eyes though that always got me so warm and so sweet they had all the time for you to take you in and make you feel like you were the only one she needed to see that day even though everyone always came to her for advice since she had the heart of gold and the patience to listen to everyone.

I was watching her for her reaction I wasn't stupid I knew what I did really pissed her off for whatever reason she really cared about Sam and knowing I had lied set something off inside of Carly that was impossible to forgive.

Carly never forgave people who lied to her she didn't talk about it but I sensed it had something to do with her dad and her mom.

She always felt somewhere inside that her dad had lied to her as a kid when he said he loved her and would be there for her but then went off to work and ended up being gone for months I think she felt like he lied to her said he loved her but really loved his job more. Her mom I think it was every time she said she would beat this illness and come home to her. Expect she didn't she died..I think Carly felt a sense of betrayal there even though she knows they didn't mean to lie or to hurt her in the end they did. She knows her dad has to work has to defend our freedom and it means being away from her but it doesn't mean she has to like it. She always expected honesty from us it was a unspoken promise and Sam with all her faults never broke it I understood it and I always respected it well expect that one time we kissed Sam and I it wasn't a lie we just didn't say the whole truth...but Carly saw through us and made us swear we would never keep anything from her again and for the most part we didn't. Till now and this time my lie not only hurt Carly's trust it hurt Sam and for that Carly couldn't forgive me. I knew she would be mad but I didn't expect this type of silence and total abandonment from her. It broke my heart I never wanted to be the one who lied to her. I was trying everything that normally worked and it was all failing so I resorted to this she had always loved music and was encouraging me to take singing lessons we never told Sam cause she would catastrophe me but Carly thought I was doing well. I figured what the heck dabble at writing a song for her record it and put it in a bear kind of like one of those build a bear thing's but I made this homemade.

_**Just a young man lost in this world **_

_**He was just trying to find his way struggling inside**_

_**He knows he needs to find his way lost in his own thoughts**_

_**He's only 17 and he feels the whole world is piling on him **_

_**He could be anyone's son anyone's friend who he is not for you to judge**_

_**Do you see him?**_

_**I'm the one next store who lives across the hall you see me everyday**_

_**You look my way I think I see a smile then it's gone your eyes no longer hold that spark**_

_**You don't see me You see through me**_

_**My heart breaks I die a little every day**_

_**I'm only 17 but I know what it means to have your heart break**_

_**I have my whole life ahead of me but all I really want is the sound of your voice**_

_**I love to hear you laugh you bring a light to my world since we met my whole life has turned around**_

_**I'm the boy next door don't you still think of me?**_

_**Cause I think of you every day you are all the thoughts that fill my head night and day**_

_**I can dream big I can achieve great things but my only dream is to have you in my arms**_

_**You are my girl the one I long to give my heart to please forgive me**_

_**Chorus**_

_**I know what I did was dumb I broke your heart and made you cry **_

_**I would brush away those tears if you just gave me a chance**_

_**To show you how much I could change **_

_**My heart breaks without you the ache is so bad I feel lost and so alone**_

_**I am so sorry Carly you are my light my love I wish I could make it up to you**_

_**Verse**_

_**I learned my lesson I'm only 17 and I am going to make mistakes**_

_**I'm not perfect far from it just a boy lost in his own thoughts his owns dreams which will never be**_

_**I promise I will never lie again I sit up staring at these stars I know how much you love**_

_**And I make a wish cause I know I can never find a friend like you through thick and thin**_

_**All we've been through you have always been true given me your heart and time **_

_**So many fun things so many adventures **_

_**Japan To La we saw the world we did it together we laughed and cried we shared hopes and dreams**_

_**Sharing jokes and planning our futures we did it side by side and I know now how lucky I was**_

_**One mistake in my youthful ignorant bliss**_

_**I didn't think I didn't know it would come back to haunt me**_

_**Please Baby would you forgive me?**_

_**Cause if you did I promise 2 u I would never lie again**_

_**Please forgive me I know what I did was dumb**_

_**My heart breaks without you the ache is so bad I feel lost and so alone**_

_**I am so sorry Carly you are my light my love I wish I could make it up to you**_

_**My Days of bliss are gone all I see is dark clouds raining down on me **_

_**My heart breaks my tears threaten to give I feel the pain weigh down on me **_

_**What I did was so dumb so dumb I just want a chance to prove to you I will never mess up like that **_

_**Again and I beg you please don't go go away I need a friend like you **_

_**In my life in my heart what we had was so special I need a girl like you**_

_**Why did I lie? A question that will haunt me for all time I give you the answers that seem**_

_**Passable but was there any excuse for doing what I did?**_

_**Letting another suffer while I sorted through my own mess my brain was telling me what my heart **_

_**Didn't want to hear the truth I hide deep inside a dream of what can not be**_

_**When I think of what my lie has done to you I feel sick and I just want a chance to say I am**_

_**So sorry I promise I will never lie again**_

_**Fear fills my heart with the thought of never seeing that beautiful smile emptiness fills my heart **_

_**Without your laugh the sound of your voice is music to my ears**_

_**Won't You **_

_**Take a chance**_

_**Please forgive me I know what I did was dumb**_

_**My heart breaks without you the ache is so bad I feel lost and so alone**_

_**I am so sorry Carly you are my light my love I wish I could make it up to you**_

_**My...**_

I was remembering the whole song it had taken me 3 days to come up with it one whole day just trying to find the nerve to record it ..Carly was an amazing singer even Sam was pretty decent I didn't want to sound stupid for her she took music really seriously if she thought I was fooling around it would just make her madder. Finally my mom made me go see a doctor I was pacing so much she thought I had ticks or something after that lovely inspection she made me go see a therapists she gave me the confidence to make the recording. I spent the whole session talking about how much I loved Carly and missed her and how losing her was like losing my dad all over thinking of my dad and how he made the ultimate sacrifice for his love gave me the guts to record a simple song I used the chorus of it and put it in the bear but made a Cd of the whole song for her placing it in between the roses.

She only got to hear a few lines before I saw the gleam of her bitty eyes bearing down on me the pressure in my head was near a explosion rate my neck was aching. I was out of room to back up when she charged I saw my life flashing before my eyes. I heard my angels voice call out..

_SAM!_

Then everything went black...


	16. Chapter 16 Blood

**Carly's p o v**

_SAM!_

_Sam stop!_

She was on him so fast it was just a flash before my eyes the sound of metal being crushed as she punched him so hard his book bag flew as did the bear the roses kids scattered screaming blood squirted from his nose as her fist collided with his face over and over. I was screaming for her to stop.

I tried pulling her off but she wouldn't budge she was too strong she was like a animal her fist just pulverizing his flesh I was horrified this was the wost I had ever seen her attack anyone .

Freddie's eyes were blood shot his checks scratched and bloody his nose bleeding she was kicking him in his groin his stomach every where screaming at him.

_You stupid pathetic moron_

_You left me in there to rot you stinking nub_

_I hate you I hope you feel every bruise every kick _

He was trying to spit out an apology between spits of blood

_Shut your face now you lying piece of trash_

_SAM Stop!_

_Sam!_

I finally manged to pull her off but she was over powering me the kids were chanting Fight! Fight! Fight! She was possessed.

It seemed to give her energy she shoved me off and smashed his face into the locker grabbing his hair and pulling him down kicking him in his stomach the kids were all gathered around us cheering her on it was sick and cruel.

Getting angrier and more scared for Freddie who was now motionless as Sam who was beat red was on top of him just swinging and hitting him. I grabbed her under her arms and lifted up praying I didn't hurt myself as I pulled back her hair was smacking me her elbows connecting with my jaw. My shoulders were on fire from pulling my stomach feeling sick again I was wearing down feeling the sweat pouring off of me. Her weight suddenly slacked as she was pulled off of him I turned around breathless to see Brad holding her above his knees.

Freddie was groaning but not moving Sam was fuming her face so red I thought she was going to explode her fists covered in blood ,I was torn see if Freddie needed my help or calm her down. My stomach turned seeing the blood I felt my head pounding a few kids had ran to Freddie I heard someone yell call 911 my first thought was 911 meant cops which meant Sam was in deep chiz.

Everyone was staring at Sam afraid to touch her afraid to speak to her she was shaking so hard she couldn't stand. Suddenly we heard the sirens her eyes filled with fear as they darted around it was like she hadn't really been there the whole time someone had taken over her and she was just returning her eyes landed on Freddie laying there covered in blood her eyes lingered as her face turned a scary shade of white she looked at me as if to say did I do that? The halls exploded with teachers and paramedics she took off holding my stomach I took off after her.

I found her on the other side of the school in the bathroom throwing up without question I went over and held her hair back just like she had done for me earlier.

Once she was done we sat back I held her in my arms as she shock we were both at a loss for words what did you say when you just witnessed one best friend beat up on the boy who was confessing his love for you ? I saw the tears escape her eyes they were few and far between but they were there.

Brushing her hair back I placed a wet towel over her face to stop the burning she closed her eyes I ran my hands over her arms we didn't talk for awhile when she did speak her voice was unsteady soft.

_I messed up bad Carl's I don't even remember going off_

_Why did you do it Sam? Why couldn't you just walk away you had to try to kill him?_

_What in the hell is wrong with you?_

_Damn it you know how much trouble you'll be in that's assault Sam you'll end up locked up in Juvie till your 18 then transferred to county._

_I know Carly.._

_Sam then why the hell.._

_You promised me no extra stress !_

_Were not even into first period and you sent him to the hospital!_

_I'm sorry okay please stop yelling at me_

_Why Sam why did you do it?_

_You have to ask? He left me in that hell hole to rot_

_He doesn't get it Carly he doesn't get what it did to me!_

_Seeing him brings it all back .._

_I just got so mad and I just damn it I lost it okay ilost my mind!_

I grabbed her hands and held her turning her to face me..

_Let it go Sam please for your own sake let it go your only hurting yourself_

_I'll make sure he pays I'll make sure he knows what he did but just keep your hands clean_

_Please don't make me worry any more about you my stomach hurts so bad Sam I can't deal with any more stress._

_Talk to me why was this time so awful compared to every other time? _

_I can't Carly_

_What is it Sam?_

_It's too painful Carly I just can't relive it don't make me _

_What happened in there Sam? _

_Please Don't make me_

_You have to Sam if you don't I'm telling Dr. Cosgrove what you did today and she'll make you talk.._

_I can't Carly don't you get it I can never tell you what happened you can't handle it_

_How do you know?_

_You can't handle what just happened you can't handle what happened tome_

_Something happened I knew it _

_Yes it did_

She was quite as she stared out.

_Fine but you have to talk to someone Sam either talk to Dr. Cosgrove tonight or I'm telling Spencer_

She glared at me seeing I was dead serious and sighed loud and long.

_Whatever_

_No not whatever yes or no_

_Yes I guess what choice do I have_

_You don't but good choice_

_Lets go I'm calmer _

_Glad you are Sam cause I'm stressed my stomach hurts so bad I'm about to hurl._

She rubbed my back as we rose I stayed a extra few minutes taking deep breaths making sure I wasn't about to be sick for real.

We were now officially late after we cleaned up.

All heads turned to us as we entered homeroom where Mrs. McCurdy just glared and told us to take our seats.

We scanned the room our home room was also our drama club and it was packed everyone stared at us as we searched for two seats together we always sat by each other the three of us. There were no seats together. I was just going to give up and take a seat I hated the eyes on me but Sam wasn't down for that she zeroed in on a new kid and pushed him out of the empty seat next to where I was heading he yelped but grabbed his stuff and scattered seeing the look in her eyes. I sighed sinking down in my seat already tired. Sam closed her eyes placing her head on her desk as Mrs. McCurdy talked about how exciting Drama club was going to be this year. I already regretted taking this course I had a feeling my life was going to be more Drama then I could handle.

She handed us our class schedules we already knew 1st period was choir/band we always had it first 2and period was cooking and 3rd was Music Theory honors. We placed our papers next to each others I scanned them smiling we had every class together sweet it would be so much easier to keep a eye on her. She groaned knowing she was in for a year of hard work. I laughed rubbing her back.

Lunch was uneventful kids kept whispering and pointing making me squirm and Sam heat up but no one was dumb enough to say anything to her or me.

She didn't eat much and I knew deep inside she was worried sick she had really hurt him. I found my anger vanishing and my worry for her taking over.

It was strange no cops had arrested her no one questioned her.

She was quiet through the rest of the day not talking back she kept her hands to herself.

The day passed by quite fast before we knew it we were in 6th period history with Miss. Alexz Johnstone . As we sat there waiting for the next bell to ring kids scattered inside Sam was talking to Wendy who was sitting by Shannon Mitchell who suddenly gasped we looked towards the door as the bell rang Sam paled my throat closed up as I saw Freddie come in looking around all the kids had sat now as Miss. Johnstone went to the front telling everyone to settle down and yelling at Freddie to take a seat now.

_These seats will be your seats for the remainder of the year the person by you will be your partner in all class projects Young men sit down you have two choices this seat over here by what's your name?_

_Achoo!_

_Ach..Jer..oo.._

Freddie groaned as she pointed to Jeremy, aka Germy and us poor Freddie sit by the kid who would cause him to have anti bacteria baths every day or the girl who just beat him up. I smiled at him trying to ease his pain as he stood there eyes darting at Jeremy to Sam who looked away Freddie looked at me as if to say what the hell is with her? I shrugged he sat by me as Miss. Johnstone was ready to yell again. He was a sore sight face covered in scratched and bruises right arm broken left ankle broken a bandage over his head . I grabbed his books for him and hugged him just so glad he was okay as I started to cry, Sam groaned and put her head down she sounded sick. Freddie looked shocked at this turn of events and just embraced the moment I smelled his after shave and felt myself calm down getting sad I realized when I was holding him how much I missed him.

Miss. Johnstone was explaining about some project but I was talking to Freddie asking him what the doctors told him. He was just enjoying having me talk to him as he rubbed my back.


	17. Chapter 17 Dance

**Carly's p o v**

**Dance**

After School we had to rush to Dance Sam was quite as we made our way to Angel's Dance Expressions Studio in the art district.

It was packed by the time we got there Wendy and I were chatting about our teachers and Freddie kids were piled against the wall stretching out while classes were still in session we made our way upstairs to change .

Sam seemed to suddenly be uncomfortable changing in front of everyone which Wendy looked at her strange about but I quickly got it was because of her bruises and her weight loss. So I made a excuse about needing to change my tampon which grossed most of the girls out as I grabbed Sam pulling her into the bathroom to change she hugged me out of relief while I was so embarrassed.

_Thanks Carly that was pretty awesome Baby I can't believe you did that_

_For you anything baby _

I kissed her check as I hurried her up to change.

We took the time to stretch out as we waited Wendy was chatting about the cute new teacher she had in World Lit. I was watching Sam as we waited she seemed even more tired then normal even though she slept through most of the classes. Her shoulders which are usually perfectly arched in dance were having problems even being held above her head she kept shaking herself out.

I went over and started massaging her which seemed to help she was so tense I worked out her cringes in her neck.

_Lyrical Dance Senior Girls lets go Class starts in 5 minutes!_

The secretary Krissi came in clapping her hands as the classes changed taking a deep breath as I heard snickers a few of the girls pointed at me until Sam gave them a look.

Miss. Holly who has been our teacher in Lyrical Dance for 8 plus years starts on time and if your late your out as soon as it hit 4 pm she was there up front leading the stretches.

I stood by Sam who looked like a totally different person when she's on the dance floor I don't see that tough take no sass girl who beat the heck out of Freddie for the simple act of breathing when she's dancing I see a gorgeous graceful angel.

We spent a hour working on learning a new routine for competition it was fast and jazzy Sam loved it I was having some issues with some of the turns which was pissing me off so bad I let a couple of curses slip out of my mouth earning a look from Miss. Holly. Ballet was more my avenue while Sam loved Jazz and Tap. She promised with her eyes no words needed that she would help me later . I heard one of the girls snicker..

_Must be sticky _

_She can't seem to pull her legs apart _

_Sticky Shay_

This would normally provoke Sam to pound them but we were in Dance and she never wavered but she did accidentally bump into the girl named Sarah who lost her balance and fell. No one saw anything though which made Sam grin.

After Lyrical Sam and I each had our solo's to rehearse which we use as a duet class. While we waited for Miss. Holly to come back inside Sam helped me with some of the moves holding my arms in a certain way which helped with the balance.

_Keep Your head arched back Carl's Shoulders turned out this way all the weight should be on the balls of your left foot as you arch your right foot in a .._

_Sam Carly can do this on her own time she knows what to do..Lets go we only have 60 minutes._

I sighed as I went to work on my moves on the far left side while she rehearsed her solo she was doing a song called Angel by Scarlette Cherry .

She started on the far right side as she ran out and leaped into the air in a perfect Jette as she landed doing a series of **Pirouettes arms held perfectly angled above her head she went from those turns quickly into a series of ****Chaines turns Sam's eyes never left the mirror as she watched herself moving she was amazing as she went from move to move. I watched as she nailed her Frappé going into her Leaps her Extension perfect. I sighed as tired as she was she was still striking on the floor she didn't let her life phrase her I needed to be more like that . Miss. Holly was all over her on every little mess up her feet weren't turned perfectly in that move or turned the right way in that move her neck wasn't arched she didn't spin fast enough. Smile wide enough she wasn't arching her arms high enough . Sam just took it all in she wasn't even phrased but I was already shaking inside what the hell was she going to say about me? **

**She just muttered a yes Ma'am and came over giving me a smile as I was ready to pass out. She quickly hugged me and whispered to chill yea right!**

**I swallowed as I went to the center of the room and prepared ..**

**The room spun by so fast as I was doing my routine I didn't even know what I was doing but I knew I messed up during different parts, I tried to do what I use to do when I danced what Sam does now just put everything out of my mind and focus on dance but it was harder then it use to be. My mind was still swimming with all the homework we had and it was only the first day. I already had 4 essays due a report on the state of the financial crises hitting America for business. A whole list of vocab words I had to memorize and define. **

**As I went into my Switch Kick I should have been higher I should have been paying more attention I didn't get enough height or traction and I slipped coming down hard on my face. Sam gasped it was rare for me to fall. I was burning with embarrassment and so so pissed at myself. I got up closed fist trying not to cuss as I went straight back into my routine. I could feel Miss. Holly's eyes burning through the back of my head which made me more nervous. I shock it out though and went into my ****leaps. When I was done Miss. Holly simply said ..**

**_See me after class Carly we need to talk alone_**

**_Sam take your place prepare.._**

**Sam spent the next 30 minutes working on her solo as I worked alone on my moves. Miss. Holly was all over Sam to arch her back jump higher smile wider use her facial expressions.**

**By the time that class was over I was ready to pass out. Sam went to use the bathroom on her way out she hugged me.**

**_You were amazing Carly don't let her rattle you babe just stay strong I'll help you_**

**I wish I could say her words gave me confidence but I was shaking inside and outside. I saw Sarah standing by the glass watching and grinning she loved the fact I was in trouble and I was messing up. **

**In truth I wanted to cry but I would never give her that satisfaction sighing as I went over to Miss Holly I saw Sarah suddenly Disappear a hand grabbed her hair and pulled her back a few squeals rung out as she was dragged away. I went closer to Miss. Holly who was standing in front of the mirrors arms crossed. She was wearing a stern look as she turned off the music and hit a button which tinted the windows so no one saw inside.**

**_Carly I think you know why you are here right now_**

**_Tonight was rough to say the least I understand it's the first class after summer break. _**

**_I know you had a rough few days I'm perfectly aware of Sam's predicament and how this effects you but that's no excuse your the national champion three years in a row we have regional in three and half months you need to be on your A game every day there's no room for messing up. Your a professional I expect that from you these girls look up to you. Your turns were sloppy your speed was way off your arms were a disgrace. Your expression didn't even look like you were here I can't and I won't have you messing up if you don't think you can do this you need to speak up cause I am depending on you._**

**_Carly Everyone knows you are a star your webshow brings in millions of viewers weekly I need you to shine out there what you just did was a disgrace to yourself to me to this studio Are you hearing me Carly?Your mother would be ashamed of what ever that was that you just tried to pull off as dancing Shape up Kid or I will pull you start acting like the national Champion or you'll lose it faster then you fell. _**

**_We all need to grow up and face real life at some point Carly you need to chose be a winner or a loser if you don't shape up I can tell you what path your choosing will go get changed for your next class I hope you can manage to pull yourself together the others are counting on you._**

**I could hear her muttering I was nothing like my mom as I went upstairs I refused to cry as I changed Sam who had been talking to Wendy came over and put her arms over my shoulders it took everything not to burst into tears. She tensed knowing something was going on********but I shock my head so she knew not to press the issue.**

**Our next class was tap with a jazz influence as hard as I tried I couldn't keep focused on that either Sam ****kept looking at me as if to see what was wrong thankfully we didn't have Miss. Holly we had Mrs. Gillies who was more sympathetic and told me to just take a deep breath , I Tried to keep my focus on the dance but all I heard were Miss. Holly's words echoing in my head needless to say it was a bad class for me to. **

**By the time we were done I was shaking so hard I could barely make it to the bathroom before I violently threw up.**

**Sam was there in a instant rubbing my back ..**

**_What did that witch say Carly?_**

**_Not here Sam I can't..We need to get going you have a appointment you can't miss _**

**_Screw it Carl's I want to know what she said to you_**

**_Why so you can hurt her?_**

**_No Carl's I would never do that _**

**_Sure and I'm the vice president of the united states_**

**_Come on we have to change let's go_**

**Sam growled as we passed Miss. Holly's studio but I dragged her along shoving her into the car **

**_Do we really need to do this? _**

**_Yes Sam we do_**

**_I want to know what she said to you Carly whatever she said it has to be awful I never saw you so upset. _**

**_Really Sam just Drop it please.._**

**_Like you tell me every time I say that no way Carl's I love you and I won't let someone trash talk you_**

**_Carl.._**

**I couldn't take it the way her hand was on my back and how soft her voice was she made me feel so secure that I just broke down she had her arms around me in seconds and held me while I bawled my eyes out. Sam kissed my head as I told her everything that had happened. **

**As predicted she was ready to kill Miss. Holly and I had to talk her down. By the time we were ready to go and I was calmer we were on a time crunch Spencer was blowing up my cell with text messages about chasing down a cow killing a zombie and being on time to her therapist. **

**I shock my head only Spencer.**

**Sam became quiet again as we pulled up **

**_Do I have to do this Carly? _**

**_Yes Sam Court order you'll be fine babe I promise I will be right here_**

**Grabbing her hand as we headed inside I could feel how sweaty she was and how nervous she sighed as we went to the 8****th**** floor. **


	18. Chapter 18 Now Or Never

**Mrs. Cosgrove's p o v**

**Now Or Never**

The day was just one bad moment after another I started with my cell going off at 3 am to inform me one of my kids who had been dodging the law since she was 9 with 16 arrests under her belt a near fatal shooting after a rival gang had gotten revenge on her after they accused her of shooting one of their own. Cyna as she was known as real name Christine Walters was now enrolled in Collage she was turning her life around she left the gang got her GED and was set to marry her boyfriend who is president of the class. A law major she was studying to get her degree in psychology she was by all accounts making it a success of the Juvenile Courts after everyone had written her off as a failure she had proven them wrong. I was feeling pretty good I had been working with her since she was 11 she was a hard core gangster she didn't want to hear what we had to say she didn't care she was a rider for life. No parents around bounced from Foster home to Foster home she was hardened by the years. Some how with intense therapy though she turned her life around and was now loving life but just like it often happens life flashed by so fast she didn't see it coming till the squeals of the tires burned her ears the spray of dirt blinded her and her boyfriend as they were walking home from the library too shocked to even duck as the rival gang member leaned out the window and shouted.

"_Wass up cuz?_

It was too late to react to scream or duck the on slaughter of bullets penetrated the air just as fast as they entered their chests and both bodies fell to the ground bloody and motionless. The shooter 15 year old Marisa Haven another one of my kids who hours earlier had sat here joking with me about Sponge -Bob and how she loved little kittens cause they represented innocent playful youth, this little kid who was talking about being a vet some day was now charged with double premeditated homicide.

She was only 19 he was 22 now their both gone. For What? A war among colors and pride? A war she had rejected? It just went back to all the reasons me and my collages questioned all the time what was the point? Even when these kids made it their paths followed them. What was the point when the sad reality was 9 out of 10 kids never changed and the 1 percent that did ended up like Christine. Sure you had a few kids who escaped but they were so far and few between they got lost in the Christine's and the Marisa's.

That started my day out crappy then having to turn in three of my probationers in to the police for violations one was carrying coke on him one came in with a gun and one started a fight with another girl cause she threw a gang symbol off to her . Now it was almost 7 pm and I was awaiting my new kid a 17 year old with a arrest record a mile long. She was nearing being late and I was already in a foul mode. Just reading her paper work I could already tell what kind of kid she was going to be hostile and stubborn not wanting to change, there was no doubt she would end up back in Juvie within months.

Sam Michelle Faye Puckett Age 17 this arrest alone she was booked for stealing a car

Driving over state lines running away from home

There's allegations of illegal substances in her possession

She assaulted a officer ,there was no room in the department for anyone that beat a cop it meant she was one of the kids who no matter what you said nothing got through to her.

She apparently had Possession of a deadly firearm

And resisting arrest what a lovely kid she was going to be how I couldn't wait to deal with her. I was ready to throw her back in Juvie for volatilizing of court order just for standing me up when the office door swung open and two girls came in holding hands they were both sweating and laughing faces red as their arms were wrapped around each other hands clasped. The girl on the left was taller by a few inches she was tanned and blushing her long dark hair curled around her face as she laughed at whatever her friend said. The shorter of the two was oblivious the joker her eyes never leaving her friends face as she was bent to her laughing along with her the shorter girl had wavy blond hair to her back which looked unruly she was dressed grungier then her friend who looked prestigious yet cute .

_Sam?_

The blond girl looked up and scowled well now I was sure who was who the other girl I resumed to be Carly hit her arm lightly laughing. Scolding her to be nice ..

_Your almost late Sam your time is 7 pm it's 6:59 _

_So I have a whole minute what's with the tude?_

_Sam stop don't be mean _

_Your expected to be on time Miss. Puckett _

_I am on time Geez would you chill out_

She was getting red in her face which seemed confused Carly was trying to get her to calm down she was clenching her fists and breathing heavy.

_Given me Attitude Miss. Puckett is no way to start out this session _

_I wasn't given you attitude I'm just saying I wasn't late_

_Look you either want to change or you don't you have two choices here Miss. Puckett_

_Just Forget it Carl's lets go _

_Forget it Sam you'll end up locked up No lets just take a deep breath and_

_And what Carl's sing kumbya forget it she's razzing me for chiz I didn't even do she wrote me off before I even had a chance I don't need this just let them take me_

_NO! I told you Sam I'm not given up on you so just stop it deal with whatever she says and do what you need to You know I can't handle anymore stress so please if you love me just do this .._

Sam had been putting up a pretty damn good fight and was ready to walk had been stopped cold by her friends request she went pale and her fists stopped clenching to regain some color she stared into her eyes seeing something in them that took the fight right out of her her shoulders slumped as she brushed past her making her way past me not looking at me . I didn't know where she was going since she had never been to my office yet but I let her go . Carly's posture seemed to give me way I became terrified she was going to pass out she seemed exhausted.

Clearing my throat I tentatively asked her .

_Do you need to sit down miss?_

_No.._

She shot up eyes wide

_I'm good no thanks..you may need to with her as your next case ..she's a firecracker.._

_Wouldn't be one of my kids if they weren't setting things on fire or sending people to the nut house.._

We both shared a nervous laugh why was I nervous?

As a 20 year veteran of Juvenile Justice system you think I would be use to kids like Sam but there's somethings you just don't get use to. What made kids so angry that they felt like crime was the only answer?

Carly followed me slowly if there was one thing I was good at spotting was kids in trouble and Sam and Carly represented two of the typical kids you see in this court.

Sam was the kid with the rough past with no role models no parents to guide them who took life's frustrations out on whatever poor innocent victim happened to be around when her anger boiled over.

The type that grownups took one look at and disregarded as gutter trash the class troublemaker that their good little kids shouldn't associate with. After a while these kids believe these things their useless worthless unlovable unable to be saved so they turn to the streets their only real friends.

Then there was the Carly's of the world they came from families where they were expected to be perfect even if their parents didn't expect it the way they were raised puts on a expectations upon their selves their the ones who when they get less then a A+ they freak out. After awhile the pressure becomes so great they fall victim to eating disorders OCD or they broke down.

I could easily see that Carly was on her way to one of these things add the stress of a friend like Sam it was inevitable that someday I would see Carly in this boat. Sam had disappeared I looked at Carly who shrugged.

We stared open mouthed as I saw my office door which had been locked was pried open Sam was flopped on the couch.

She had picked the lock and now her eyes were challenging me daring me to turn her in give her a reason to give up. I wasn't one to back up so easy clearing my throat as Carly stared at her.

_Sam! What have I told you about picking the locks of therapists?_

_It's wrong and rude and illegal?_

_Oh yea so why did you do it?_

_Why not?_

Another example of what I could never get use to kids who didn't think twice about hurting someone else who didn't care about the pain they caused others. Sam's expression was one of a hardened street kid who had gotten away with chiz for years and no longer thought about the consequences of her actions. Kids who would jump you in the middle of daylight beat you and leave you bleeding as they robbed you blind and never thought about the pain and fear they caused you.

_Against the wall Miss. Puckett_

For just a moment a flicker of fear flashed in her eyes was I really going to send her back to Juvie? She was a seasoned Probationer she knew when the therapist said something you did it or get locked down.

I was pissed again what gave these damn kids the right to throw their weight around and bully other people just cause they got a raw deal in life?

Carly sighed looking hurt and like she was going to faint or throw up she grabbed the table for support Sam's eyes darted to me and to Carly without a second glance at me as I was calling her probation officer she was by Carly's side in a second helping her to sit down her eyes no longer held fear she held hate in them hate at me for causing Carly to become sick. She held no blame for herself.

I looked at her and hated to admit that in those seconds I didn't see a crazed future social-path I saw a scared kid who loved her friend and would do anything to protect her. Sighing against my better judgment I put the phone down.

Handing Carly Some water she smiled gratefully as Sam stood ready to face whatever she had to ..

_Up against the wall assume the position _

She did as I ran the metal detector over her she was clean I hand patted her down all over you never know with these kids. She was clean I motioned for her to take a seat.

She slumped down putting her arm around Carly who rested her head against Sam's shoulder.

_Seeing the late hour will only go over a few basics what I expect and what the court expects of you Sam and Carly._

_As of right now we will be meeting three times a week_ _Monday's Wednesday's and Friday's Friday's will be family meet I want Carly And Spencer here.._

_He'll be here tonight to talk to you he had to help a friend do something but he wants to talk to you._

_Good I think it's essential everyone involved in Sam's life be here ..Mondays and Wednesday's we will use to discuss what made you do the things you did..how you can find ways to change and what you want to happen. Fridays we will talk things out with the three of you any feelings you and Spencer have need to be shared Carly._

She nodded unlike most family members she seemed to have a real interests in what we could do to help Sam.

For her part she sat there with a icy glare she wanted no part in any of this.

_As Your aware Sam since I see here you have been to therapy before I am mandated to fill out a Psychiatric_ _Evaluation __and Treatment form for the courts basically Carly what this means is that while I do retain counselor and patient confidentially for the most part seeing that as Sam is on Probation if she tells me something that violates her probation like she admits to using drugs or getting into a fight I have to put this in the report but I also write my evaluation of her assessment do I think she needs to __be locked up is she trying to change was this a setback do I think it will happen again? _

_So what your saying is that you can recommend Sam be locked up just by confiding in you?_

_Yes that's the jest of it_

_Forget it Carl's lets go_

_Sam sit down.._

She growled

_Sam I'm here to help you the courts believe you are a danger to society and need further help your job is to prove them wrong do you think their right?_

She remained silent just staring at me arms crossed sinking down into her seat Carly kept trying to rub her arms loosen her up but her eyes were in a dead set glare on me.

_We need to set up goals Sam I think that would help but the thing about help is that you need to want it do you want it?_

_Sam answer her don't just sit there come on you promised_

Sam's eyes were tearing through me making even me nervous her fingers gripped her arms so tight they were white her face was red . She was a very angry kid I could see the emotions passing over her face like a kaleidoscope of colors kids like Sam required a special type of handling. There was no telling what would set her off or how she would react.

_Sam why don't you tell me what you want to happen here today?_

_Samantha why don.._

_It's SAM!NEVER CALL ME SAMANTHA!_

_Or what Sam?_

_Or I will kill you_

The iciness in her voice was chilling she thought nothing about issuing such a threat even now after being locked up and knowing I could do it to her in a second.

_I see I hit a nerve do you want to talk about it?_

_Why do you hate Samantha?_

Silence again Carly leaned way back rubbing Sam's neck Sam just sat there .Carly looked ready to drop I felt bad for her. Sam looked ready to kill.

We could play this game for awhile now as most teens do Sam was expressing her disdain for being ordered into therapy. Kids like Sam their use to intimating their victims and sweet talking the grownups that's how they get away so much . Here she was meeting a road block so she did what she had to when she felt out of control she stiffened her upper lip and stayed silent.

Carly was rubbing her temples a sure sign she was getting a headache. I poured her a glass of water which she drank eagerly smiling at me.

_Sam why don't you tell me about your relationship with Carly?_

Her eyes glanced over me as if she was taunting me chanting nice try bitch but you won't get me to talk.

She remained passive saying nothing with her lips her eyes however told a million different stories.

_Sam please talk to her she can help_ _I tried so hard Sam but you won't talk to me.._

_I won't talk to anyone Carl's so give it up._

Her voice was low and full of distrust and hate I wondered what made her hate so much? Every kid I counseled had a story most painful and unimaginable what was her's?

Sam was already without words painting me a picture of her life one full of distrust hurt anger and pain she was already telling me that she had seen and heard things no kid should have to. What had she seen what had she suffered was the questions I was asking myself and in order to help her I had to find the answers. What bugged me most was this time limit the court had set It was September already Sam had to April before she would be legal meaning if I didn't find the answers and start getting her to face facts and deal with her emotions before she went out and did something more horrendous she could end up with a adult sentence. Given her distaste for therapy she wasn't going to roll over and talk to me she was going to do what she always did bottle up everything and keep it locked up till someone or something set her off by then it would be too late. Someone would be dead and Sam would be locked up possibly for life.

I knew that by watching her interaction with Carly that she was probably the only one who tried to help Sam. Kids with Sam's issues have a pattern set for them since they were young grownups have probably called her useless lazy stupid and worthless for years after awhile if a kid hears it long enough the message is clear their unwanted unloved their not good enough their feelings don't matter. So why talk? Why risk alienation? It's a self protection device for them don't share their feelings they remain in control in what maybe the only thing in life they can control.

Their like wounded animals they learn not to trust they become angry and when their angry they find their prey someone weaker then them who they can control and intimidate. They rebel against anyone who tries to control them in Sam's case grownups. We hold the power she craves..

_Sam please hon just talk..it's not that hard.._

_So you talk Carl's you need this why am I always the one who's labeled? _

_Sam this isn't about me this is about you_

_Then I ain't talking.._

_I'm so sorry Mrs. Cosgrove she's just so angry right now _

_About what?_

_Life _

_Why is she so angry at life?_

Carly bit her lip looking at Sam who was tense

_It's her story to tell not mine_

Carly's eyes coasted down a friendship code I saw it pass between their eyes honor thy sister it was just like a gang allegation. Didn't these kids see that they weren't protecting their friends? They were in fact hurting them?

I hated doing this Carly was a kid in trouble I could see it she was on the verge of her own breakdown and I felt like a snake doing it but I had to help Sam she was my client and there was only one way to do that. I just hoped I wouldn't damage this girl in the process.

_Sam why don't you go wait in the waiting room I want to talk to Carly alone._

Carly looked panic stricken Sam growled kicking a table which clattered as it fell Carly jumped

_Why don't you go suck a lemon bitch..._

_Sam!_

Carly cried outraged Sam just grinned kissed her head and slammed the door open as she left a guard escorted her to the waiting room where I could hear her kicking things. Carly closed her eyes tense. It was now or never.


	19. Chapter 19 BreakDown

**Break-Down**

**Dr. Cosgrove p o v**

Carly buried her face in her hands ..

_Oh my stomach..my head.._

_Are you alright hon?_

_No.._She replied slowly With that she broke down I went over and handed her a box of tissues she blew her nose wiping her eyes.

_Sorry _

_Don't be hun it's alright it shows you care want to talk about it?_

_It's so complicated_

_Maybe sharing with someone older can help you_

_I don't even know where to start _

_Start with what's bugging you most _

_That's EVERYTHING! _

_That's a pretty hard description_

She nodded crying that much harder one look at her and I could clearly see that she was in her own world of pain.

_Care to elaborate? Sometimes it helps_

She sighed shaking her head shoulders hunched I rubbed her back she stiffened

_It's okay to be upset Carly you don't have to hold it inside Sam's issue's are effecting you that much is clear it shows that you care a great deal for her. Your a good friend._

_No.._

The reply was quick and firm she didn't look up at me

_Why do you say that?_

_Cause I wasn't here for her when she needed me_

_Where were you?_

_Yakima _

She said it like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

_On vacation _

Her words were softer now

_Did you know she was in trouble?_

_I should of_

_How were you suppose to know do you have esp that the rest of us don't?_

She was twisting her bracelet so hard I was afraid it would shatter into a million pieces.

Her tears had slowed down but hadn't stopped she was looking up at me her eyes wide.

_What do you mean?_

_Your a smart kid Carly I can tell how are you suppose to know That Sam was in trouble if no one told you how can you read her mind?_

_No_

_So how are you responsible?_

_I shouldn't of left I know it was summer that's her hardest time_

_Why is summer so hard?_

_Cause of her moth.._

She stopped and left it there her eyes became cold as she saw through what I was doing.

_Your not using me to get to Sam She needs to talk on her own.._

_I need to go we have homework it's late we have to get dinner yet and we need to get to bed._

_Carly if there's anything you ever need to talk about …_

She nodded as there was a knock on the door and a taller older guy walked in Carly jumped up running to him.

_Hey kiddo what's wrong?_

_Why are you upset?_

_What did you say to her?_

_Carly was just telling me her feelings on Sam's situation._

_It's hard on all of us Carly will be fine though right kid?_

He held her tight rubbing her side as she buried her head on his shoulder nodding.

_What can I do to help these girls?_

_I think she can benefit from a family session which I would like to have on Fridays _

_I'm there just tell me what time _

We discussed what was expected of Sam then they left I watched as Carly grabbed Sam who was slumped over in a chair reading a gun magazine how the heck did she sneak that in?

I sighed Sam Puckett was not going to be a easy case in fact she may send me into a early mid life crisis.

**Carly's p o v**

_Sam why won't you talk to her?_

Sam was laying in a crouched position eyes closed hat pulled forward over her eyes.

_You promised me you would talk to her!_

I was carefully looking between her and the pitch black road which was slick from the downpour we were having.

_I promised I would give her a chance_

_Yea so what happened?_

_I gave her a chance as soon as I walked into the room she was all over me damn the woman was giving me chiz before I could even say hello it's jank man!_

I sighed what was I suppose to do?

By the time we pulled up it was after 10, I was wiped already.

Spencer was just getting in as well

_Hey kiddo how goes it?_

_I feel sick _I answered

_I hate people _Sam growled

_Alright I see were off to a good start sit down foods on the table in 10.._

Sam was on the food in seconds while I spilled the story.

_Carly go take a shower Sam and I need to talk.._

_Huh?_

Sam got that oh dear lord what did I do now look in her face fork halfway to her mouth.

**Sam's p o v**

Oh dear why me? Suddenly the food left a bitter taste in my mouth and a huge lump in my stomach.

I was nervous as I looked at Spencer

_So you wanna tell me why you beat the chiz outta Freddie?_

_Cause he's a nub_

_He's been a nub his whole life and you never beat him that bad he was like a dead rat when I saw him today Sam._

_He took it too far this time Spencer he started it when he opened his yap and yapped he left me in there like a mouse in a tigers cage._

_I hardly see you as a mouse Sam_

_That's not the point Spencer and besides you don't get what really goes on in those places_

_That gives you the right to beat him?_

_Yes!_

_No Sam that does not give you the right to ever put your hands on someone else face or body .._

_Get off of me Laura!_

_Stop! _

_No please Don't!_

My whole body jerked I felt ill the voices haunted me my breathing increased as the memories over took me I could feel them on me. Holding me Kicking me Raping me ..

_No..Stop.._I stood up almost sick panting white faced.

Laura shot up reaching for me but I backed away breathing becoming labored

_Sam Sweetie I'm coming for you_

_You can't run I'll find you_

_Get away from me_

_I mean it you can't...Stay away or I'll_

_You'll what Sammy we both know I can .._

_NO! NO!_

_SAM!_

_What's wrong? Talk to me!_

Like she didn't know who was she kidding? She came closer and reached for me I screamed and shoved her but she wouldn't quit just came closer faster before I tried to run but my foot caught on something and my legs gave out.

She was on me grabbing me I screamed and kept screaming trying to push her off but she was too strong she got me.


	20. Chapter 20 BreakThrough

**Break-Through**

**Spencer's p o v**

What in the heck was happening? She just suddenly bolted up and freaked out what was in that food? This is why I never gave Carly fast food but tonight was just too crazy to cook. Well that would have to change fast where was Carly when I needed her? Oh yea sucking up all the water in Seattle.

Could her skin really be that dry?

Sam was breathing strange like when Carl's had her attacks oh dear lord what do I do now?

She was acting like I was some kind of crazed person who was about to kill her looking around to see we were alone okay

Check I didn't miss someone coming in

I sniffed myself I didn't smell Check

She was pale very pale sweaty she was shaking I was growing very concerned more and more by the second..What should I do? What Calms Carly Down when she's upset? Oh right talking..

_Sam what's going on? Why are you freaking out?_

_Talk to me_

I grabbed at her she screamed and backed up holding her hands to her face her body tense she was almost gasping.

My heart squeezed tighter seeing her like this what had happened to her? Sam was like my little sister I loved her and would do anything for her. If someone had done something to her they would pay dearly.

_Sam open up talk to me what happened?_

_I know something happened? I can help just talk to me_

She screamed as I wrapped my arms around her trying to push me off she really thought I was going to hurt her?

Sam lay there frozen afraid of meshe was as still as death she was unmoving her eyes filled with fear and pain. She wasn't speaking she was shaking her face ashen.

I tried getting her to talk to me stroking her hair as she shrunk away from me. She lay there far too long frozen. Finally I gave up and realized I needed help who was I suppose to call?

Carefully I slide my hands over her back up her shirt to get a better grip so I could lift her but as soon as I tried she pushed me away screaming.

Sighing I put her down just as she gagged grabbing the garbage can I held her hair as she puked holding her up I noticed how cold she was all I could do was rub her back and hold her hair back when she was done I ran a hand over her face maybe she had a fever and she was hallucinating that would explain it right? No fever but she was sweating like crazy even though she was shivering.

I had to get through to her if Carly came down and saw her like this she was going to flip.

Managing to pick her up finally I placed her on the couch and covered her. She lay there staring out in the distance.

_Thank you for Coming Mrs. Cosgrove I didn't know who else to call at this late a hour_

_Thank you For Calling Mrs. Benson_

_We had no choice Carly and Freddie are so upset over this whole thing their at their breaking points if they saw Sam like this it would devastate them._

_It's not a problem Mr. Shay glad to help now who can explain what happened? When Sam left she was pissed off did something happen between then and now?_

_We were talking about something that happened at school?_

I hesitated looking at Marisa who was looking at Sam curled up on the couch she looked torn between wanting to hate Sam for what she did to her son and feeling sorry for her.

Should I tell Mrs. Cosgrove? Should I keep quiet ? If she reported her that would be assault with deadly force aggravated battery Sam would be taken from us after only four days she would go to Juvie and they were sure to send her case to adult court where she could get 10-15 years. Sam trusted me and if I told Mrs. Cosgrove she would view it as betrayal. Still she looked so hurt was I really helping her by keeping quiet. It didn't look it.

_Anything is confidential?Right?_

_Well as I explained in the office I am required to report to the courts if she violates her probation in any way._

_So how do you expect her to trust you if you report her for any mistake?_

_She needs help to overcome her addiction she can't do this by herself if she could she wouldn't have ended up in Juvie in the first place. She'll never trust you if she knows your reporting her._

_Sam needs to work on her trust issues that's a definitive but we have to trust her and right now in the eyes of the law she's untrustworthy she needs to earn that trust back it's my job to get her there and I can make the call on what needs to be reported if I feel she is a danger to herself the community I need to report her but if I feel she made a slip and regrets it I can trust her that she is willing to learn and change. _

I felt so lost and alone so scared she looked so broken I had no idea how this had happened. It killed me to see her so fragile Sam Puckett didn't do Fragile yet here she was curled up and locked away in her own world.

She was my little sister in every way possible I was frustrated how could this happen? I groaned swinging my hands which knocked down my giant robot of used Trash and light up underwear I grunted trying to save it. She looked confused and a bit worried.

_Sorry that's UT Say hi UT to the nice lady_

_Hi I am u t and I like to eat your... _

_Oh That's enough UT quiet now_

I pulled his battery pack out he went limp I was shocked expecting her to storm out outraged and have Sam removed . Oh Carly was going to kill me now.

_That's awesome I use to build robots _

_Really that's hot?_

We laughed she touched my forearm I smiled.

_Spencer_ !

_Carly do your homework! Sam and I are talking!_

_Okay tell Sam the showers is all her's _

_Will do kiddo! Homework Prayers and bed lov ya!_

_Lov ya to Silly no fires and cleanup! Don't forget to change your .._

_Whoa!No talk of that kind homework young lady!_

_Look Spencer I can tell that you care a great deal for Sam I really hope she makes it I can see a glimmer in her eyes of a kid who has potential to make it . She needs help though a lot of it anger management and counseling she needs it fast._

_I know.._

I threw my hands up in the air grunting as I walked over to her.

_Spencer maybe we need to trust her whatever happened to Sam it's beyond our control let's give her a chance. Sam deserves it.. _

_Freddie doesn't want to press charges so they can't hold her! I don't know why after all this girl has done to him but he still cares for her and he doesn't want her to hurt . She needs to do what the courts want or she'll end up in Juvie trust her and hope for the best. _

_I'm not even sure what went down honestly do you even know?_

_No Freddie won't say maybe he would be best to help. I'll go get him .._

**Mrs. Benson p o v**

That girl was so irritating I wanted to hate her some parts of me did hate her she was rude obnoxious and had no manners at all. She hurt my Freddie all the time without remorse I wanted to throw her in Juvie myself I could for what she did but that would go against his wishes and his happiness was everything to me.

Freddie was all I had now his sister was long gone ,his father was gone Freddie was my baby and I had to protect him.

But did protecting him mean smothering him? He was after all 17 and could make his own choices he was chosen to help this girl and that for me meant protecting her as well.

I was all set to go against his wishes and call the cops I was on a rampage since I got the call from school. I wanted her found and prosecuted but he refused to give the police any information he refused help until I swore she wouldn't be touched. So I gave up for the moment but as soon as he was seen I was ready to call she was a monster and she needed to be locked away. I wrestled all day with Freddie yelling at me to stop I made the choice to not give her up but I wasn't ready to drop it yet she was going to pay Momma Benson style. Then Spencer called in a state of total panic and when I saw her I froze. She looked lost and broken that wasn't the Sam Freddie and I knew and hated.

_Freddie!_

_Yes Mom I took the pureed peaches with the meds!_

_Good but that's not what I wanted ..I.._

_Yes mom I washed with the antibacterial _

_Freddie get out here! Now!_

_What mom I really don't need to be rubbed down I can apply my own ointment _

_Freddie I know you are a big boy we need your help .._

My poor Broken son came hobbling out shaking my head as I looked at him his roughly blood shot eyes his messy dark hair he was the spitting imagine of his father tall dark and handsome . His eyes scanned my face finally coming to the realization something wasn't right .

_Mom what's wrong?_

_Freddie Sam needs help _

_Huh? _

_Something happened Sam had some kind of break down and Spencer needs help she won't talk to us_

_As much as I hate that dummy she's a irresponsible self absorbed delinquent animal but I know for some reason you care about her I always tell everyone you are just to sweet for your own good. _

_So I' ll leave it up to you if you chose not to help her I won't think unkindly of you _

_Mom of course we have to help her! _

I pouted crossing my arms

_Okay _

I sighed looking at him filled with sadness my poor baby his right arm was broken , left ankle broken a bandage over his head which was as a result of his concussion I wanted to hurt her so bad how did she think she had the right to put her hands on my baby's face? The bruises were now starting to show his right eye was all black and purple his check scratched his left face was almost all black and blue , he hobbled back to his room to get a shirt and some pants.

What kind of magic was this girl using that she got such a hold over my son?

She hurt him repeatedly and yet he dropped everything for her?

**Freddie's p o v**

Pain such through me as I hobbled back to my room help Sam was she crazy? I wanted to kill her she had done this to me! Truthfully I was afraid of her she was so violent even more so since she got locked up this time.

So why was I doing this? Simple dark brown hair with the softest sweetest honey eyes the perfect full pink lips and the smoothest skin ..Carly was my reason for everything even if she never returned my love I didn't want to see her hurt and Sam hurt meant Carly hurt it was simple addition and subtraction it didn't take a genius to put two and two together , Sam was Carly's BFF they were inseparable she loved her probably as much as Spencer if not maybe just a bit more she was her sister the one she told everything to. They had no secrets when Sam was in pain Carly was in pain when Carly cried Sam who never cries cried. They felt each others pain fear and hurt. If you took away Sam you took away Carly's laughter she was her ying to her yang it wasn't some big break-through here or anything

It was late I was freaking tired and I wanted to sleep the pain medication was making me even more groggy.

Mom's attitude was not helping either I know she still held a grudge against Carly with the whole Taco truck accident and it was just that a accident she always wished it was Carly that got hit and not me. I could only imagine how she felt about Sam who she never liked anyway and now that she beat me on purpose and if she sensed for even a second that I was in fact terrified of Sam and wanted her locked up, she would stop at nothing to see her put away for life.

Problem is Carly would hate me forever and nothing was worth losing her love again not a major Break-Through here.

Sam was insane she had mental issues Carly always excused her cause of her child-hood she had it rough poor thing. A Alcoholic for a mom who used her for her own self-fish needs she yelled at her and abandoned her left her with no food no water no electricity, in a bad section of housing. Where drug dealers and gangs dominated the scene where kids got shot for wearing the wrong colors .She never talked about it but I'm sure her mom beat her and made her feel like she was worthless. She kicked her out of the house whenever she had a new Boyfriend around which was always I knew Sam slept on the streets when she was too ashamed to admit it to Carly. I would see her sneak inside our apartment complex to wash up before we rose yea no one knew I got up early to jog. She was always quiet on those days When her mom didn't kick her out Sam would hear things and see things that a kid shouldn't ..I should feel for her right? That's what most people thought when they heard her story a kid living with neglect and abuse she needed love and support and encouragement..Well maybe when we were younger I could feel for her back when she was too little to choice..But now? I think there comes a time when we must all choose where our lives are going to go. Sam had a rough past sure who didn't we all had pain and chiz to deal with but we could chose how to respond to it even if we couldn't choose what life gave us we can choose how to handle it , There were better ways to deal with her anger and pain she was smart she loved music she could use it to be the best but she choose to be violent and hurt people I guess you could blame it on her parents her past but she made a choose to follow that path Carly was always here for her she could of asked for help Right? People say it's not easy to ask they make excuses just give her a chance forgive her maybe she'll learn..

Easy to say when it isn't you getting kicked and punched listening to her scream she hates you and wants you to die. Maybe I was being to harsh ? In all the years she never let it get so out of control that she seriously hurt me she always pulled back until today and I was the one who started it wasn't I? It was easy to blame her say she got herself locked up she did the crime she paid the time right?

I sighed it was never easy when Sam was involved she was complicated and unpredictable. She was a wild fire in a dry forest give her some gasoline and she lite the whole forest up god help any houses tresses or property in her way.

I wasn't sure what started her fire back in June maybe it was Carly leaving again her safe haven in Summers was taken away there was no where to go except home and with her home life maybe that wasn't a safe haven at all maybe it was the Ignition that started the fire ..she lost control and went on a rampage she got caught and she expected Carly to solve everything. Problem was I spoiled that and that left her blazing when a fire is left to spread the results are devastation.

Maybe this was payback?

So in retrospective I got what I earned huh? Sighing I flung open the door excepting to see Sam pissed off and destroying Spencer's latest creation whatever it was.

Surprise Freddie instead Sam was curled up on the couch frozen her arms wrapped around her knees pulled up to her chest so no one could get to her. She was slowly rocking back and forth eyes far way she was in her own little world.

I was use to Sam breaking things my pear pod when we were 12 cause she lost her's and felt it was unfair I could use mine when she couldn't use her's , Carly felt sorry for her and bought her a new 32 GB one what did I get? A scolding from my mom about being more responsible , We were 14 and she broke my computer cause she thought I needed to stop being so nerdy..She broke my pencils and pens cause they represented bad vibes all cause she got a month worth of detention for tagging the school walls with "**Education Sucks Be Cool Stay Outta School! **She broke my pear phone cause I had a wallpaper of Carly With a heart around her face she said I was too stupid to own a phone cause I was a fool who thought Carly would love me and I needed to grow up and see Carly would never love me she said she did it cause she cared..Yea right... She broke everything today she broke my arm..So I was use to having things Smashed and broken by Sam Puckett it shouldn't be surprising right?

Well I never counted on Sam breaking one thing..

My heart...But she did ..Major Break-Through Sam Puckett could be broken and when Sam was broken everyone around her broke to. Sam was the strong one the one who always came up on top ..Well someone had out smarted Sam and beat her at her own game.

Someone had to pay my fists clenched my heart was racing my forehead covered in sweat and my throat clogged who had done this to Sam? I wanted to know cause I was going to make them suffer.


	21. Chapter 21 PlayTime Is Over

**Play-Time Is Over**

**Freddie's p o v**

When we were kids and Sam was upset all you had to do was open a fat -cake and wave it in front of her face. She would snap right out of it..

Example we were 10, I wasn't close to her at the time I just knew her through Carly and the fact we went to the same school. We were at recess Carly was playing hop scotch with the girls who were all following her cause she was the prettiest in class and the sweetest. Sam was bored so she was playing with the boys kick ball and she of course was kicking the furthest and the hardest we had a teacher Mr. Campbell who was also the football coach he was always yelling at us to be men and kick with balls not like little pansies he had just yelled at me for not putting enough Bam into it. Well I wasn't he man here I mean lets face it I wasn't aiming for kick-ball hall of fame. So Sam seeing that I had gotten in trouble was laughing her butt off and kicked it extra hard just to rub it in my face..unfortunate for her she kicked it so hard it sailed 3 miles and landed in the teachers parking lot on Mr. Campbell's new Mercedes..he was pissed and grabbed her by her shirt dragging her to the principle's. She got detention for two months and in school suspension they said she did it on purpose cause he failed her on a math test.

She was really upset after school cause her mom had to interrupt her waxing session down at pain and pleasure to pick her up and she hated being interrupted so Sam was scared her mom was going to be mad [Which she was] Carly to ease her fear and take her mind off the up coming fight made her a whole double layer chocolate strawberry cake topped with banana's. Sam devoured it and it made her happy she didn't even flinch when she had to go home.

Looking at her now I could tell we weren't little kids anymore whatever was bugging her wasn't going to be solved with food.

Play-Time is over...now we were in with the grownups whatever had happened was far beyond what our tender years could comprehend. I was scared she was so lost..

Spencer was at the end of his wits he was pulling his hair out talking to the cat in the wall. Some Lady who looked official was on her cell phone and my mom just looked ready to bolt.

Taking a deep breath I hobbled over to Sam.

What do I say? What do I do? Where was Carly?

I could hear music upstairs some punk band when did Carly like that obnoxious Chiz? Well Whatever was happening it was apparent Spencer didn't want her involved.

Slowly I went over she tensed up she looked scared she curled up tighter eyes locked on me she reminded me of a defenseless animal ready to strike even if it knew it couldn't win it had to defend itself it couldn't go down like a coward.

_Sam.. I don't know what happened but I just wanted you to know I'm not mad at you_

_I get it I did something stupid I hurt you and you did what you were taught to do all your life you struck __back..you win kay ?_

No answer okay I was scared now in the past Sam would of jumped up upon hearing the words you win your right.

Case in point last year we had made a bet that Gibby was a mermaid I said no she said yes..Mermaids love water right? So I tricked Gibby into jumping into the water telling him it was for our gym grade he loves school and cried if he gets below a b+ the male version of Carly who has a melt down if she gets below a A+ ..he stripped naked and jumped in crying he can't fail gym . It proved A- Gibby was not a mermaid and B- Gibby's can't swim. So Sam had to go save his Non-Mermaid butt she was all upset over losing the bet which she still owes me $20 for :[ that I took her out for Chinese and she was fine after that. Come to think of it I should charge her for that food she ordered $38 worth then ate all mine to!

Sam would do anything to hear those words she even made a online poll for people to vote if they thought he was a mermaid. Some fan went so far they took a picture of Gibby changing and shadowed it so it looked like he had a mystery tail. She went around with that picture for months rubbing it in our faces till we got so sick of it we just said she was right and she won she made us say it on camera.

She even made up a rap over it..

_You tried to Say No No _

_He Has No Tail Ha_

_I hate to say I told ya so_

_But ha who am I if I am not honest cause honestly I told ya so_

_I am the baddest You say when I'm wrong I'm bad but when am I ever wrong?_

_It's just natural to me I am the star of this show my eyes know things ya just can never see_

_It's simple as 1 2 3 he walks around like he has this secret he just can't tell you say he's just being Gibby but I know there's more to it then him just being G.I.B.B.Y _

_You can't tell me no cause I will do whatever I am told not to do _

_I am who I am and I don't answer to no one _

_So shut up listen up and let me explain to you the ways of evil mind_

_You tell me I am bad but who r u 2 judge I'm just being me and I am who I am_

_We all are suppose to be who we were meant to be but this world tries to control you judge you for being different_

_He struts around shirtless and you think he's just being G.I.B.B.Y but I told ya he has his secrets _

_You ask me how I know?_

_Simple cause we all have our own secrets he has his ha ha and I have mine_

_Ask me what they are go on cause I won't tell not uh _

_Why admit he's a mermaid when this world is so judgmental and defines _

_Beauty on the outs _

_Fins or no fins he Acts like he can't swim a cover _

_I know cause I act like I am the baddest but at night _

_The fears and tears play across my face _

_Fears I never show in daytime cause _

_It's Play-Time Bitches and I play to win momma knows _

_What counts in reality Fantasies are nice but won't get ya where you need to go _

_Binding his time in this world doing what he must till this life is over and we go home to our glory_

_Some say it's up there in the sky but to him this world is just preparation for biggest and the baddest _

_His home is down below the big wide ocean calling his name _

_See I know what you fail to see but shh G.I.B.B.Y I won't tell Play-Time will go on and I will keep you Secrets just Remember what goes around comes around mess with me and I will reveal all.._

_Cause I am the baddest and the biggest ain't no one gonna steal my shine so sit down and shut up_

_Take that shirt off if it makes you feel better be who you are_

_Just bow down when I stroll in cause _

_I am the star of this show we are just who we are_

Everyone had loved that rap and a huge debate had started online with our fans over who was right us or Sam so far everyone was so caught up in Sam's rap that they were on her side which just fueled her I am right metaphor.

To save our sanity we dropped it and she was happy thinking she was right.

What did I say now to get her out of this funk?

Tentatively as I heard that damn rap in my head it was still just as annoying now as it was then I reached over and softly patted her hair she made a low moan and tried to push herself back in the couch but she was already buried so far into it there was no where left to go so she curled tighter.

Her eyes stayed glued to mine it was like she was judging me waiting to see if I would strike her or not I knew I had to trend lightly here so took my time and softly and slowly running my hands through her hair not making any sudden movements. When she relaxed a bit she looked at me her eyes darting around as if she was checking her surroundings out.

_Sam it's me Freddie I'm really scared right now can you please talk to me tell me what is going on?_

_We can go in private if it makes you more comfortable?_

She shock her head no hard bolting up I reached over quickly but gently and grabbed her

_I'm not going to hurt you Sam I'm here to help believe it or not_

_I don't.._

She talked yes!

_I know you have no reason to I haven't given you any and I know whatever happened to you I'm am partly responsible for and I am so sorry I want to help you but you have to trust us okay?_

_I can''t tell .._

_Why Sam did someone threaten you?_

She looked around Spencer was talking to my mom in the nest room both looking at us that lady was off the phone but taking notes.

_If Someone hurt you Sam it's not your fault we don't blame you you don't have to be ashamed it's okay to talk about it.._

The lady nodded at me I took it as a sign to keep going Sam was looking at me I swallowed having no idea what the heck I was doing but I settled closer to her she tensed but she didn't pull away a good sign I hoped.

Slowly I wrapped my arm around her she was cold sweaty and shivering I took my sweater off and wrapped it over her ..

_What happened tonight Sam why don't we start with that?_

_I Saw..She...I was back there.._

_Back where?_

_Juvie_ _Freddie..I'm sorry I just can't talk about this.._

_Okay why don't you write about it?_

_Huh?_

_Whenever chiz gets too much for you What do you do? You write about it you rap.._

_Yea But I don't think I can_

_Why not?_

_It's personal Freddie Really Personal_

_So We won't read it it's just for you_

_Just so you get whatever it is out of you _

_What if it doesn't help?_

_I bet it will it's a bet I won't lose either if you don't try_

_Okay throw me a pen and paper promise me no one see's it?_

_I promise cross my heart _

_Hope to die?_

_Uh is that a threat?_

_No just a little humor it's nice to see you talking to me _

_Well lets keep it up you write and I will sit here and keep you calm okay?_

_Okay..it may take a while.._

_We got the rest of the night I don't think any of us will be sleeping_

_Sorry my bad.._

_Yea but it's cool_

We sat there while she contemplated what she should write how it should go and worked out all the musical stuff her face was dead set in concentration she got a far away look in her eyes as she wrote fast and steady then she would stop frustrated huffing sometimes I swear I saw tears in her eyes as she wrote . Spencer was pacing he went upstairs twice to tell Carly to get off the internet and go to sleep telling her Sam had fallen asleep and she was fine why he lied was beyond me but it wasn't my place to say anything. Finally she seemed reassured and went to sleep. Spencer however was on edge and kept pacing drinking Coffee which probably wasn't helping him to calm down but when I pointed this out he jumped on me making my mom freak out which made Sam tense up and that lady suggest that they leave us alone. Sam relaxed where she had previously been reluctant to be left alone with me now she seemed at ease. Good or bad? I wasn't sure yet.

I itched to turn on the TV but I didn't want to distract her so I closed my eyes and held her close.

After what seemed like hours she put them down she looked exhausted laying her head down on my shoulder. I ran my hand through her hair she remained quiet her breathing labored. I wanted to snatch the paper out of her hands and read it but she was guarding it with her life.

Her head fell indicating she was out like a light so I covered her and placed her softly down she didn't budge.

Once we were assured she was asleep we went into the kitchen to talk quietly.

_Mrs. Cosgrove this is my son Fredward Benson for some reason that's beyond my grownup knowledge he's best friends with the delinquent and that witch it should of been her._

_Excuse me ma'am? _

_Nothing _

_That Delinquent is named Sam and from now on you will call her by her name and not label her_

My mom looked shocked by her abruptness and sharpness but she nodded. I glared at my mom I couldn't believe she could be so rude. Well since she was now looking down in shame like a child that got a scolding I took it upon myself to shake the lady's hand.

_Hi I'm Freddie nice to meet you I don't mean to be rude but who are you and why are you involved with Sam?_

_Right to the point young man I like that I'm Jennette Cosgrove And I'm Sam's Court appointed Therapist we had our first meeting tonight. It didn't go so well so Spencer had your mom call me when Sam had this issue tonight._

_So what exactly did happen here tonight? _

_Well without her telling us to be precised it appears that Sam suffered a Complete Psychological Breakdown What caused it however isn't certain only Sam can tell us and she's not spilling._

_What we need to find out is how Sam's state of mind has been When did this start? You were the last person to see her before she went into Juvie Can you tell us what she was like before she was caught? Was she normal? Did she show signs.._

_No offense but my son isn't a shrink he can't possibly say if she was okay before hand Sam's a excerpt at keeping her feelings at bay. She could have been on the verge for a long time and none of us would of known._

_That's very true Ma'am and I don't mean to put Freddie on the spot but we need to get to the bottom of this before it gets out of hand before Sam suffers a break down so serve we can't reach her._

_We got lucky here tonight he reached her and got her back._

_You mean it can get worse?_

_Can and will until we find out what caused it and help her deal. _

_Can you tell us anything about before she was locked up?_

_Not really honestly she seemed normal a bit more agitated maybe_

_Agitated? By what?_

_Her Mom was really ragging on her_

_About what?_

_The usual _

_What's the usual? _

We sat down Spencer made us all ice tea and we sipped it as I looked around Sam was going to be so mad if I spilled her private stuff but she needed help and I know Carly wasn't going to spill letting my eyes glance over at Sam. I saw she was in a restless sleep she could wake up at any time. She was so thin her face was pale and had bags under her eyes she was oblivious not doing well.

_Her mom always rags on her to get a job to be more responsible to stop doing bad things to get a boyfriend to be more lady like. _

_Did they have a fight?_

I laughed so did Spencer slightly but both him and my mom gave me stern looks. I stiffened my laughter and looked at the lady she was looking serious. Clearing my throat I went on with the story.

_They aren't talking if they aren't fighting that's all they do every day since school let out when her mom bothered to stay home they fought she was drinking even more then normal this year._

_She was dating this cop that Sam couldn't stand some guy named Pete and he was getting her mom Heroin_ _for free so they were shooting up non-stop and they were having parties through all hours of the night. Sam was afraid to be at the house cause some of the guys there they would um get a little too touche and wander in her room even when she barricaded her door they still got inside she would fight them off but some of them were to strong and over powered her she um called me a few times to come get her she was getting so angry as the days went by and she would rant and rant and I got sick of hearing it. I was having my own issues I didn't know how bad it really was I mean this was Sam's mom this was how she always was Summer's were always the hardest party time for her for some reason most of the year she was out of town but Summer she was always home and she made Sam's life hell._

_She asked a few times to stay over at my place cause Carly wasn't home and I sneaked her inside when mom was asleep Sorry mom.._

The whole time I looked at my mom she was looking confused like how did this happen and she didn't know? I couldn't really read the rest of her expression but Spencer looked torn apart like he blamed himself for going away now I knew where Carly got it from.

_I knew Sam was using drugs she needed a escape she had started drinking last year .._

Mom and Spencer gasped yea no one knew that huh not even Carly..

_It started at Christmas Carly was visiting her dad And Mom was at work so we went to a party from some kids a brother of one our school friends he's in college and was having a party at the docks, we went to kill time Sam's mom had kicked her out for the week and I found her sleeping under the bridge I made her come here and clean up and she was upset being Christmas and all so I wanted to take her mind off it all I heard from a friend about this party so we called Gibby and Tasha up and we all went down. Gibby was showing Tasha off and I was talking to Shaun ,Sam had started mingling with some college guy who was like 25 he had started dancing with her and she drank to fit in..I warned her not to but yea Sam doesn't follow what others say so she drowned four in a row to piss me off. I got mad and left her . By the time I cooled down pulled her away she had already had 9 or 10 she wasn't even drunk just slightly buzzed. We left the party and went to a far end of the harbor Sam broke into a boat and we um went for a ride.._

Spencer raised his eyebrow slightly mom looked ready to drop dead she was pale I could just hear the lecture I would get this morning or night whatever it freaking was now. Mrs. Cosgrove didn't say a word she just listened.

_I wasn't happy she was doing it I tried to talk her out of it but she was laughing so hard and she was happy I didn't want to upset her and I was a bit buzzed myself it was a beautiful night the air was chilly but not cold the stars looked so pretty she wanted to watch them without the buildings in the way. So I said what the hell the three of us Sam, Gibby and I dropped Tasha off and we found the perfect boat well Sam did Gibby and I were too busy trying not to piss ourselves but Sam did it in seconds like a pro and we were on this small but expensive looking boat we went out to the sea and just parked Gibby was eating pudding talking to the fish so Sam opened some Champion that she found and we toasted we drank the whole bottle in 20 minutes and we started making out it wasn't planned but we were drunk and it was xmas and we were under the moon light we just started kissing and laughing and it went too far we were naked and fooling around and.._

_FREDWARD BENSON!_

_Mom please I'm trying to talk _

_Let him finish ma'am we need to know what happened _

_Thanks Ma'am um yea pulled apart before anything happened and she was really upset she wouldn't tell me why but I was mad at myself I felt like I had cheated on Carly even though we weren't dating I was pissed and yelling at her and she jumped into the water naked I was freaking out on her and she didn't care she swam all the way back she thought it would be funny to see us sweat well to see me Sweat gibby wasn't even paying attention._

_She came back for us but I was so mad at her she didn't talk to me she just speed back to shore then she stole a car and took off I was pissed she was drunk and had no business driving. I know she went back to that party and drank more when I saw her the next day she was still hungover. She wouldn't talk about what had happened but I know she started drinking more and more after that._

_I tried to talk to her but she shut me out all the time so I just gave up I figured she was okay this summer she started getting more reckless when she told me about what these guys were doing to her I should of stepped in but I was so hung up on my problems I just thought she's Sam she can handle it right? So I just brushed her off and it hurt her I could see it she stopped talking to me but two days before she was arrested we had a huge fight Wendy had called me to say Sam had shot up at a party and she was too high to drive she was really concerned she had seen Sam talking to this kid at school who had been arrested a few times he was apart of the MS 13 he was accused of organizing a shooting a few weeks back that killed a rival member and he was touching Sam and Wendy saw him selling her something so she tried to talk to Sam but she said Sam flew off the handle and started drinking heavily and fooling around with this kid so Wendy left her alone and when she came back Sam had shot up three times. She wasn't really conscience so she called me I got her back here and stayed with her while she detoxed I was pissed and when she was sober or whatever we had a huge fight I told her she needed help she um told me what to do and I kicked her out. _

_So what your saying is that when Sam needed help you turned her away and basically left her feeling that she was worthless and her feelings didn't matter?_

What could I say? She was right wasn't she? I said nothing and just kept talking.

_She was arrested two days later and she called me for help and I um told her I would call Carly ,I told her I was going to tell her everything she begged me not to tell her everything just to call her for help and she would tell her we argued until she had to get off. I finally agreed to call Carly but I told her she would prob hate her and I hung up telling her she was a disgrace and needed help._

_What did Carly say when you told her?_

I wasn't silent all eyes were on me.

_I never called her and I never let Sam know._

_So Sam sat in Juvie for two months thinking Carly had given up on her? From what I gather Carly is Sam's world she is the only reason Sam tries at anything?_

_Yea that's right_

_I take it Carly isn't aware you knew?_

_Oh she knows now it came out Gibby told her _

_Tell me how did Carly react?_

_Um she was ready to kill me she hasn't forgiven me for hurting Sam and Sam's pissed at me well she was not sure how she feels now._

_Thank you Freddie you've been very helpful tonight I believe the best course of treatment right now is medication I want her to have a full physical examination tomorrow Spencer and will meet to talk options._

_I'm not very comfortable with Sam having medication she's always been a hyper kid will this wipe her out? I don't want her to feel like she is a zombie .._

_Will make sure she gets on medication that lets her still be Sam but helps her from having a break down it will hopefully just be till we find out why she had this. _

_Okay will try it what about tonight will she be okay?_

_I believe so I would stay close to her just to be sure._

_Okay thank you ma'am_

_Thanks Marissa and Freddie _

_No problem Fredward bed now we will be talking tomorrow_

_There is a chance Sam won't remember this happening if she doesn't don't push her will work on it in session._

Everyone nodded as I passed her I reached down and laid my hand on her head. I remembered how sweet her lips had felt against mine how soft her skin was how she smelled like salt and butter how rough she was when we were fooling around and strangely enough I liked it. When no one was looking I kissed her head before Mom grabbed me and dragged me out.

_Night Sam sleep tight.. _

I whispered..


	22. Chapter 22 Till The World Ends

**Till The World Ends**

**Freddie's p o v**

**iCarly**

_Fredward Benson get up now! You only have a hour to get your antibacterial bath eat your organic Whole Wheat English muffin with organic jelly and your mashed pears!_

Yummy Mom Not! Hobbling from my bathroom to my dresser grabbing my book bag which I had

pop-tarts and sugar pops stuffed inside. Checking my reflection in the mirror to gag at my pathetic appearances. I shock my head if Sam wasn't in so much trouble I would be ready to kick her butt.

Mom was still mad when I came in to the kitchen she was banging pots and pans and talking to herself.

Maybe if I sneaked out she wouldn't see me..

_Fredward Benson what the hell were you thinking! _

_Almost having Sex with that ..that ..uh I am so upset right now I don't even know what I want to say!_

_Her name is Sam Mom and she's a girl and we didn't have sex _

_We .._

_Were Drunk Freddie which is another fact that I can't believe my baby boy would be stupid enough to ._

_Have a good day mom I'll see you later.._

_Freddie were not done talking!_

_I'll be late Mom gotta go!_

As fast as I could I hobbled out groaning oh man I was going to be feeling the effects of that confession for a long time. Should I knock on the door? I stared at Carly's apartment for a few minutes before I made my decision.

I couldn't get Sam off my mind how was she did she even remember what had happened? What was it going to be like when we saw each other? Would she beat me up and threaten my non-broken body parts if I didn't keep her secrets. Would she not even remember?

Where was Carly during all this? Carly with her sweet lips and honey eyes damn I wanted to be with her so bad.

Maybe if I stared hard enough the door would open.

**Carly's p o v**

After I had my shower I sat on my window sill I watched the stars for awhile they were so pretty I placed my i-pod on my head jamming to Hollywood Undead . The stars were so pretty laying in the black sky I wondered what they were doing when the sun was out. They were calming after the day I had I needed that calmness more then anything I would love to be at the beach laying in the sand watching the ocean and the stars.

A ding from my laptop caught my attention as I felt myself in a tranquil state sighing I went over and grabbed it. Putting my i-pod on my speakers .Smiling when I saw it was TJ I quickly answered his IM.

_iBeCarly: Hey Babe I missed talking 2 ya how r u?_

_TJ: I'm Good Darling how was your first day of school?_

_iBeCarly: Crazy omg I was ready to drop it's insane I already have so much schoolwork I don't know how I'm suppose to get it all done! Plus I have a competition coming up and iCarly is well I'm not sure of our status but everyone wants new shows ._

_TJ: What's an iCarly?_

_iBeCarly: Oh never mind lol sorry I shouldn't of said anything it's just so good to talk 2 u ._

_TJ: It's okay babe I wish I could help you so you wouldn't stress out so much cutie.._

_iBeCarly: Thanks you are just listening to me rant is enough we should exchange numbers so we could talk on the phone._

_TJ: Sure sounds good I don't want to push you or anything _

_iBeCarly: Your not hun I want to hear your voice_

_TJ: My # is 306-942-8132_

_iBeCarly: Hold on let me get this in my pear phone _

I was grinning from ear to ear I couldn't wait to hear his voice oh god I hope he wasn't some wimpy kid with a high pitched voice oh chiz he better not be gay and playing me. I really liked this kid and I hoped he would be my boyfriend. Sighing I took a chance and typed.

_iBeCarly: Can I Call you babe now I really want to talk to you.._

_TJ: My Charm works again lol okay babe hold on I'm grabbing my phone_

I was a nervous wreck my whole body was tingling as I held my phone waiting for him to give me the word.

_TJ: I'm Ready.._

I wasted no time my fingers flew over the pad I pretty much had the numbers memorized .

I waited holding my breath as it rang and rang I was getting scared was this a trick didn't he want to talk to me?

Pick up please pick...

_Hello? _

_TJ? _

_Yes Carly? Wow your voice is just as sweet as I thought _

_Aw thanks your too sweet I'm surprised your voice is as deep as it is_

I giggled

_What did you think it would be like?_

_I don't know I was scared I just ..sometimes when something's too good to be true you know_

_Yea I do well I'm glad your happy I can't wait to get my web-cam hooked up so we can talk_

_That will be awesome! TJ how soon do you think?_

_Soon I hope hey _

_Shouldn't you be in bed you have school tomorrow._

_I know but I can't sleep something's going on with Sam and her and Spencer have been talking for hours and I want to know what's going on I can't hear down there but I'm worried._

_I'm sure she'll be fine she sounds like she can take care of herself. You need to worry about Carly and let Sam worry about Sam._

_It sounds great but I've basically always been Sam's mother she needs someone to be there_

_Let Spencer help her Carly if they want your help they'll ask.._

_I know I just can't help but worry I love her so much_

_I can tell and that's what makes you so special._

_So what kind of dance do you like? _

_Everything anything as long as I get to move I love the feel of my feet just moving to the music_

_Do you dance?_

_Yea I'm not the greatest music was always my special but I can move I have to show you some time_

_I would love you to _

TJ and I spent hours on the phone before he sung me to sleep.

_I Can't Take It Take It Take No More  
>Never Felt Like Felt Like This Before<br>C'mon Get Me Get Me On The Floor  
>DJ What You What You Waitin' For..<em>

_Watch Me Move When I Loose When I Loose It Hard  
>Get You Off With The Touch <em>_Dancing__ In The Dark  
>You Notice What I'm Wearin'<br>I'm Noticin' You Starin'  
>You Know That I Can Take It To The Next Level Ba-by<br>Harder Than The A-list  
>Next One On My Hit List<em>

_Baby Let Me Blow Your Mind Tonight!_

_I Can't Take It Take It Take No More  
>Never Felt Like Felt Like This Before<br>C'mon Get Me Get Me On The Floor  
>DJ What You What You Waitin' For...<em>

_WOAH OH OH OH OH OH WOAH OH OH OH.._

_See The Sunlight  
>We Ain't Stoppin'<br>Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends  
>If You Feel It Let It Happen<br>Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends  
>Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends<br>Keep On Dancing Till The World Ends _

_I wanna love you I wanna get to know ya baby won't you let me in_

_Will keep on dancing Till the world ends_

I clung to my phone as I curled up dreaming of his sweet face. The sound of his voice was music to my ears. He sounded sexy older I wanted him so bad and I hadn't even met him yet.

He sounded sexy he looked sexy he was sweet and smart I sighed it was just like my dream boy now I just had to meet him.

Looking at the clock as my eyes closed I saw it was flashing 3:30 am this was not going to be good the morning.

_Good Morning Beautiful Rise and Shine _

_You know you are so beautiful to me _

_Huh? _

I woke up with a start looking around to figure out where that was coming from to see my laptop still on my head was still spinning as I grabbed my computer and saw that TJ was singing to me through his web-cam. I smiled as I typed ..

_Aw that was too sweet thanks you just made this the best morning ever I was dreading getting up with so little sleep. _

_Well now you can hear that song and remember that I think you are so beautiful cutie and I hope it keeps you awake through the day._

_Aw I will thanks when can we meet? _

_I don't know babe but soon will have to work on a date and time my mom's pretty strict let me think of something kay babe?_

_Okay I don't want you to get into trouble _

_I better get a shower I'll text you later _

_Can't wait babe have a great day in school can you send me some pics?_

_Sure if you send me some [Love]_

_I will baby hope you have a great day to _

_Thanks.._

_Carly let's go! School starts in 20 minutes!_

_Okay Spence!_

I was smiling as I took a shower changed and got ready. By the time I got downstairs I was grinning so big Sam and Spencer were staring at me.

_Spill Kiddo what is that thing all about?_

_What thing?_

_That thing on your face sis what is it all about?_

I know I was blushing a from ear to ear I felt my heat radiating my face.

_Carl's ?_

Sam looked up her voice was strained she looked exhausted and it made my whole body tense she grabbed my hands and dragged me into the living room leaving Spencer baffled as he tried to figure out what was on my face.

_Spill Kid what's going on?_

I looked at Spencer who was grinning as he scratched his head.

Out of ear shot I smiled and took Sam's hands.

_TJ Sung to me he made up his own lyrics to till the world ends and he made up a new song to wake me up _

_Wait you talked to him on the phone?_

_Yes!_

_He's so sweet and oh my god Sam he is soooo sexy I have to see him!_

_So when can he meet?_

_I don't know he has to ask his mom_

_His mom? How old is he? 10?_

_Sam not every by disregards what their parents think some kids care about their parents_

_Yea and some kids are lame sissy momma boys he better be a man Carl's _

_He is Sam stop being so difficult your making me doubt myself! _

_I think I need to be with you when you met to make sure he's suitable_

_Well duh I wasn't going alone I don't know this guy and if he is a pansy I'll need emotional support and if he's dangerous I need my P.I.C to cover me .._

_Shoosh-yea!_

_Come on Sam you have to help me he wants to have some pics of me_

_I'll get you girlfriend no worries _

_First we have to go to school..after wards we have to get some _

_Yes _

_Spencer were off..._

_Okay don't do anything I wouldn't do!_

_That doesn't leave much room!_

_Buh -bye!_

_Oh my god Sam you don't even.._

I was shocked as I opened the door to see Freddie standing there ready to knock.


	23. Chapter 23 In La

**Carly's p o v**

**In La**

I was frozen unsure what was about to happen was Sam going to flip? He looked so sad standing there with his arm wrapped up his face messed up and his book bag hanging off his good arm. I almost felt bad for him. But my concern had died now as the anger was replaced Sam was staring at him not saying a word. I couldn't speak all I could do was look from her to him.

She pushed past him muttering to me she would be in the car waiting.

I stared at him he was trying to find the words to say what he wanted to as I shock my head and pushed past him he dropped his hands sighing.

Sam was huffing as I came up she quickly covered something with her foot.

_What the hell was that!_

_Nothing just killed a bug gross 8 legged.._

_Ew okay I don't need to know!_

_Well I wasn't going to tell ya but you kept..so how's the nub this morning?_

_I don't know I don't wanna talk abut him I'm still pissed at him I can't believe he was just going to let you sit in Juvie all summer and not expect me to be angry hello your my best friend!_

_Well he's a nub their not the brightest in the litter_

_He lied! To my face!_

_Well nubs do nubby things like that _

_Yea well not to me not again were done..lets go I was in a good mood_

_Don't let that nub spoil it Carl's you have a hot new BF who thinks your smoking hot which you are.._

_Aw thanks you think I'm hot?_

_The hottest babe _

I smiled I wasn't sure why but having Sam say she thought I was hot just made me feel so much better.

I leaned over and kissed her forehead. Starting up my car as we cruised out. Sam waving to Freddie who was walking or hobbling to the bus stop.

_So what did you and Spencer talk about?_

_How it's not nice to hit nubs no matter how nubby they are _

_He stated his case I stated mine there was some whining involved_

_Yea he doesn't like to lose he doesn't take it very well._

_So true_

_It was exhausting long story short I have to apologize to the dip face_

_Apologize! He left you in jail to rot I won't apologize_

_Yea well you didn't imprint his face into the school's wall_

_Are you really going to apologize?_

_Sam?_

She sighed staring out the window as we whizzed past buildings I reached over and squeezed her shoulder. She smiled at me something was going on inside her I could see it something else had happened last night and she was debating tell Carly or not. I was dying to know what had happened but I didn't want to push her . So I kept silent and just sent a silent prayer to give her strength.

_I can't stomach the thought of saying I'm sorry to that jerk-face but I have to_

_Why? _

_Cause Spencer is going to tell Mrs. Cosgrove what I did._

_What why?_

_He thinks I need to take responsibility for my actions and I need to learn everything has consequences_

_Wow Spencer is trying to be all grownup I'm impressed_

_Yea well sucks for me why did he chose now?_

_Aw come on Sam he's doing it cause he loves you _

Swinging into my spot I kissed her head ruffling her hair she huffed as she got out . I hoped Freddie was okay I didn't like him having to take the bus but there was no way I was giving him a ride.

Home room we sat together as Mrs. McCurdy was going over morning announcements Freddie glanced at us sighing. Sam sunk into her seat and I turned away talking to Sam trying to find a place to meet TJ I didn't want it to be where people from school could see us ,I wanted privacy.

_Okay Class listen up your first assignment for the year will be to select two partners I want groups of three and you will select a play and I want each group to chose a character in the play and dissect them what makes them tick why do they say and do what they say and do? I want you to make up a essay which has to be written by all 3 p o v' s. You must chose a scene to act out and be ready to explain why you chose it how it relates to your life. _

_It's due in 3 weeks so hurry up and pick your partners _

_Well duh Sam were so totally partners _

_Duh who's our third?_

_Well it would normally be .._

_Hey mind if I join you? Achoo!_

_Germey!_

_n.o..Jer...Achoo!_

_Oh I see green excuse me.._

He ran out covering his nose which was dripping green Sam started to gag as I cringed her gagging got worse...

_Sam are you okay?_

_Oh man no Carl's I'm.._

_Go go .._

I pushed her out of the seat as she ran past our teacher who screamed at her.

The scratching of chairs and desks came to a end as she called a time I wasn't even paying attention all I was staring at was my new pear phone wall paper a picture of TJ which was totally smoking .. I was doodling my name along with his last name.

Carly Alan it had a nice ring to it didn't it?

_Mr. Benson take a seat now find a partner now! I empathize on the NOW! _

_But everyone already has 3 .._

_Does any group not have 3?_

_Yea Carly and Sam the lesbo's are 3 less_

_Carly ...Miss. Shay_

_Huh?_

I looked up to see Mrs. McCurdy standing in front of me I blushed as I looked around to see the whole class staring at me. I sunk down into my seat having no idea what was going on.

_You don't mind having Freddie join you _

What could I say ? It wasn't really a question I stared daggers at him he couldn't find his own dang partner he always had to join us?

_Freddie you can join them where did your partner go Shay?_

_She wasn't feeling well.._

_Well she better get better fast cause it's a lot of work_

_Yea I get the feeling I'll be doing most of it..._

_Mr. Benson did you have something to say?_

_No ..I'm great .._

He avoided my eyes as I glared at him and turned away pissed why did he have to join us? Where was Sam was she okay?

Just as I was staring to freak out she came in looking pale. Her eyes met mine as if to say what the hell was he doing with us? I shrugged not caring to explain.

_Let's just get started we have 10 minutes before Home room ends_

_Let's keep your lying mouth shut nub_

_Sam be nice I mean I did help you.._

_Shut it nub face _

I glanced at both of them her eyes were burning holes through his face he looked at her searching her face and sighed as she flopped down. I reached over feeling her forehead.

_You okay baby?_

_Yea just a little nausea I'll be okay seeing that just made me_

_Oh let's not talk about it before I puke we know how weak my stomach is_

_Yes we do _

_Hey.._

I hit her she laughed shrugging

_What I was just agreeing _

_Shay Puckett No laughing lets go get started on your project!_

_Make sure you include Freddie_

_Why?_

_Cause Miss. Puckett it's called being a team player_

_I never asked for him to be on our team_

_Miss. Puckett!_

Mrs. McCurdy gave her a warning look, Sam grumbled glaring at Freddie who sighed and shrugged.

He didn't look like he wanted to be on our team any more then Sam wanted him on it. I was exhausted already and I could tell having Freddie and Sam on the same team could only be trouble.

The class seemed to take forever as Sam and Freddie spent the entire time glaring and not speaking to each other which was even worse then when they insulted each other at least they were speaking then.

Finally I gave up and worked solo on the list of what we needed to do after school for the project.

It wasn't enough we got stuck as a a trio in that class but we also got assigned in English, History and Music Theory, Which Sam almost got kicked out of cause she threw a mouse at Freddie which hit the teacher.

_Puckett!_

_It wasn't me stop blaming me Rebecca!_

_It's Mrs. Mitzi to You!_

She looked ready to throw Sam out just as the door flew open.

_GIBBY!_

He entered shirtless of course flexing his arms which I had to admit looked pretty strong he had slimmed down and was looking pretty toned now and damn had he shot up. I smiled waving him over as Mrs. Mitzi looked ready to quit teaching and go into a convent.

By the end of the day Freddie was in every class and we were partners with him for 6 of them. Sam was quite as we went to her probation officer. She was pissed Freddie was coming with us but since we had to work on our projects it made sense. Well at least to me Sam wasn't seeing my pov so much.

The office was in downtown Seattle 4 blocks from the courthouse. The section was a totally different area though while the courthouse was in a cleaner well maintained richer section the probation office was in the middle of what was essentially the ghetto, graffiti covered walls drug dealers lining the streets gang bangers hanging on the corners. Sam seemed to know half of them and I had to keep dragging her away .

Freddie looked disgusted as he looked around the Juvenile probation office was next to the adult one so the kids mixed with the grownups. I grabbed Sam's hand as she was about to start talking to some 20 something year old guy who was rough looking to say the least his whole body covered in tattoo's his lip had a ring in it he was tall thin but strong buzz cut with a black and red bandana on his head total banger I could tell not what Sam needed to mix herself with. What was she thinking? He was talking to a few of his buddies who were winking at Sam. I hissed in her ear as she sighed but came with me. I just wanted to go home and lay down but we had dance class and her therapy to go to and tons of homework that needed to be done.

I made Sam go against the wall and searched her which she made smart remarks about making me laugh as Freddie stared at me.

_Put your eyes back in their sockets Benson she'll never love you_

_Shut up Puckett _

_Puckett over here now!_

She sighed as her officer called her over I told Freddie to stay there as we went inside her cubical I held Sam's arm she was grumbling as we went in.

Her officer's name is Michelle Warp and she wasn't someone you messed with she was tough and tookNo B.S. She went over a check list which Sam answered occasionally glancing at me for reassurance then she had to take a drug test which she always grumbles at even though I knew she didn't do drugs.

When Mrs. Warp went over the list I was shocked at how much Sam had to do in order to keep in her probation guidelines she looked tired of it all.

After dance we went to her Therapy Session Freddie sat in the waiting room with his laptop researching for our projects.

Sam yawned as we sat in the office Mrs. Cosgrove smiled at us as we walked inside. After she chatted with me for a few minutes I went out to join Freddie Sam pleaded with me with her eyes to not to leave I just shock my head and kissed her head patting her head.

It was awkward to sit with Freddie I was still mad at him and hated that we were assigned as partners.

I noticed he was staring at me as I tried to read my history book for the nights homework.

_Carly I'm sorry I .._

_Stop Freddie I heard it all before and I'm sick of it I know your sorry and I get it _

_I'm just too tired to drained to discuss this I need time I know you get that right?_

_Yea I do I'm sorry if I'm being pushy I get that you need time and I will give that to you _

_I just I.._

Freddie leaned closer and closer he looked so cute with his hair flopping in his eyes his last class was gym and even with his broken arm he had to take certain activates in class he was sweating tired from the day. His eyes were tearing into mine as he kept leaning and got so close he was touching my arm I backed up against the wall trying to keep him in balance.

His lips got closer and closer I couldn't escape him my breathing became erratic what the hell was he doing?


	24. Chapter 24 I Don't Wanna Be Torn

**Don't Wanna Be Torn**

**Sam's p o v**

Who was this stupid bitch? Why was she talking to me like I was a child that needed to be taught some valuable lesson?

_Sam We both know why you are here you have issues that we need to work on_

_Do you really think that all your problems can be solved with your fists?_

No Bitch not all of them but the one I'm having right now can sure help one solid left hook and I could knock her front teeth out and shut her up. It would solve this pounding headache I was having since homeroom when Mrs. McCurdy decided having FredWeenia work with Carl's and I. It had only worsened over the day.

No having to listen to her rant on and on about my so called issues as if she had a clue, was just making me angrier .

_You have a anger management problem Sam and we need to fix it_

_Why don't we start with your mom I know that's a sore point for you_

You know nothing bitch nothing at all my mind is racing with all kinds of evil thoughts about what I can do to her if she doesn't shut her stupid mouth, I pop my gum loudly knowing full well that Carly thinks it's rude and disgusting and I take pleasure in watching her face scrunch up she's a proper lady who probably presses her clothes and keeps everything in it's place and vacuums her house every day.

_Sam can you please not pop your gum were in session_

No bitch your in session I'm in hell I say nothing and just stare at her. Flopping my feet up on her neat and dirt free coffee table my sneakers are covered in mud and other unidentifiable objects she almost shrieks which makes me grin. I pop my gum louder as she sighs.

_Samantha.._

I won't give in she's waiting for me to go off she thinks I can't control my temper and she's wrong I can control it when I want to it doesn't control me. Yawing to empathize to her how much of a waste of time this chiz is to me I lean back stretching out .

_Why did you hit Freddie? _

Is she for real? I hit Freddie cause it's what we do he's a nub and I'm his keeper I have to hit him when he does stupid things like lie to Carly and keep me in jail. We all have our place in life some are born rich and gorgeous bound for greatness some are born to live their lives in dreams they never have the ambition to go after. Some kids are geeks some are genius some are jocks some love theater. Some are strong in physical abilities but lack the emotional gene That was me . I hate emotions I have never been good at them I can beat anyone up on command but you ask me to cry forget about it that's what Carly is there for me for.

Some people are born to help others people like Carly who have so much going for them but never think of themselves. Whenever I am sad I run to her and she holds me and comforts me.

Freddie was born a nub and I was born to be Carly's protector it's just what we do. Carly couldn't fight to save her life but I would die to protect her.

Freddie hurt the one person I gave a damn about so Freddie had to pay right ? How else was he suppose to know how badly he screwed up.

_You were taught that fighting was the answer from a young age I know your type Sam_

_Raised by a abusive mother who probably thought that every little problem would be dealt with by a blow to the face._

_She prob taught you that if someone disrespected you that you could make them pay by harming them, I bet you left in the middle of the night to escape her drunken rages. I bet you made friends with all the wrong kids stayed up in the middle of the night drinking and smoking thinking you were so cool._

Chiz how did this women know all this stuff was she a mind reader? No one knew Carly wasn't even aware of how bad things were at my house. She didn't know I joined gang members hanging outside my place.

What was this bitch drinking? She thought I would just spill my life's secrets with her? Yea right I was a Puckett we didn't just share.

_Sam it's not weak to ask for or receive help..no matter what anybody's told you._

What did she know? My eyes scanned over her she was sitting in her recliner chair dressed in a business casual suit Grey with pink pinstripes a pink blouse her hair which was piled high above her head looked stiff. Her light green eyes looked into mine they seemed too be locked , her shoes which were Jimmy Choo her nails were perfectly manicured her makeup without a smear .

Everything in her office was neat and in it's place her whole office was spotless and had a neutral beige color with a tan and sliver trim with a hard wood floor a coffee table which was on a soft orange carpet. The walls had pictures of the ocean and beach one was a live photo that had a soft ocean sound . It had me transfixed watching it as the water slowly fell. She prob grew up rich in one of those fancy neighborhoods like **Potomac Manor-Potomac Falls Estate went to a private school went to a the best college had the best grades was always with the coolest kids and had the best friends. Now she has the richest and best looking husband they probably had the perfect kids with a family dog who she carried around in a purse. She had no idea what it was like to grow up poor to suffer to be labeled stupid bitch needed to shut up about chiz she didn't know.**

_**Sam I get that that you had a hard life and you feel like you have to be tough to put on a mask and keep everything bottled up .**_

**I felt my fist close up my knuckles hurt my fingers itched to hit someone's face.**

_**Getting angry won't help Sam **_

**I wasn't angry bitch I was irradiated.**

**My eyes lowered to her level I wasn't going to crack and I wanted her to know she could say whatever and it wouldn't faze me.**

_**You stupid ignorant brat I'll teach you what manners are all about your a pig next time I tell you to do something you'll jump!**_

**Slam my face hit the counter top I tasted blood as my head felt the all too normal sensation of pain and dizziness. She was on a rant bottle in hand tequila it was her third bottle today I could smell it a miles away.**

_**Your a disgusting pig Samantha how many times do I have to tell you to do something before it gets through to your stupid brain dead little ..**_

**She was**__**over me now spitting out every word I felt sick she was gripping my collar.**

_**Your a lazy bitch Samantha nothing like your sweet helpful smart sister the good child..**_

**She slammed me against the counter blood trickled down my head she grabbed me by my hair dragging me.**

_**Does this look clean?**_

**She shoved my face in the pile of BBQ ribs and cat food it clogged my nose my throat burned my eyes.**

_**Does it?**_

**She screamed I couldn't talk my throat was clogged she picked me up I coughed gagging.**

_**Don't be dramatic Samantha your such a drama queen.**_

**She shoved me I hit the floor hard I refused to scream to cry.**

_**Answer me Samantha! **_

**I had to answer she kicked me in my stomach I remained quite she got madder.**

_**I said answer me you effing piece of trash!**_

_**N...o..**_

**I stuttered out feeling the sharp pains in my head and stomach cramping me up competing with each other.**

_**What do you say?**_

**She took a long swig **

_**I'm..S...o...r..r...y..**_

**I coughed as blood came up**

_**Sorry **_**She laughed **

_**What are you going to do about that?**_

**I coughed so hard I couldn't breath I gagged she screamed smashing me over the head with the bottle..I felt everything spinning I groaned softly.**

**She went on a rampage throwing everything I felt tears inside but I swallowed my body was on fire.**

_**What are you going to do? **_

_**Answer me now before I lose it!**_

**She stood over me with a knife her face was beat red her hands clenched tight her foot pressed on my chest I couldn't breath. I was scared her eyes held only one emotion..Hate.. **

_**C...l..ea..n...u..p**_

**I chocked out she smiled **

_**Good answer Samantha**_

**She grabbed me pulling me up she pulled me close for a second my legs were weak and I was dizzy and feeling sick.**

_**I'm going out Samantha dear I want everything cleaned up before I get back.**_

_**What have I always told you Sam?**_

**I was gagging coughing shaking.**

_**If you make a mess clean it up **_

**She stroked my face **

_**What are you not going to do Sam?**_

**My chest burned I was dizzy everything blurred including my face.**

_**Tell anybody **_

_**That's right Sam Puckett's don't need help were strong enough on our own**_

**What she was really saying don't tell on me or you'll regret it **

_**Don't call that lil goody two shoes of a friend of yours Sam you made the mess by yourself clean it up yourself!**_

**She slammed the door I grabbed the counter top but my whole body gave out and everything went black I was fallen and I didn't cry for help.''**

_**Sam are you thinking of something? **_

**I glanced at her feeling restless here she was with her prefect nails clicking against her designer suit her eyes staring at me. All I wanted was to slap this bitch her fake sympathy was enough to make me sick. She was watching my every move as I popped my gum she cringed every time. I knew what what make her sick making sure she was watching I spit my gum out straight into the garbage can by her chair. She looked shocked and disgusted.**

**I stretched out and closed my eyes she sighed ..**

_**Sam your asking for trouble Carly is stressing herself out trying to help you**_

**The thought of Carly being stressed out cause of me broke my heart I swallowed , My mom had me believing that I was a loser and was no good, and here was Carly who was trying to do anything and everything to prove to me I wasn't.**

**Who should I believe?**

**I was torn .**

_**Sam I can see the mention of Carly's name brings out emotions in you Why, What does Carly mean to you?**_

**Did she really think I was that easy? Hell no lady you need to go back to school cuz your tripping over your own ego.**

**I started at her blankly I heard her sigh as I glanced at the clock.**

_**Sam in less then 8 months you'll be 18 and you will no longer be eligible to be protected under the juvenile status. You commit another crime and get caught you'll be locked up in county ..**_

**Like I would be stupid enough to get caught again I learned my lesson next time I would be smarter.**

_**Sam what is it about your mom that makes you so on edge?**_

**Gee could it be that she's a total bitch.**

_**Do you feel like you deserve how she treats you?**_

**She was trying to trick me I never said anything about my mom or how she treats me.**

_**Is that what she tells you that you deserve it that when she hits you because your a bad child and you earned it. **_

_**Do you think it's your fault?**_

**It is my fault..**

**Isn't it? Carly would say No but she's never had to deal with this she doesn't understand I know how mad my mom gets and I should of cleaned up...I should of listened more...Maybe I wouldn't of been torn listen to my mom or to Carly it was all so confusing. I don't wanna be torn I want to be strong in my mom's world being strong means never giving in never showing fear never asking for help. **

**In Carly's world it means reaching out and taking help when I need it but I didn't need it right? I was strong enough on my own. Carly always said part of getting help was knowing when you needed to ask for it and I was sure I was strong enough so it should be easy right?**

**Well it wasn't I was so frustrated why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? **

**_Maybe it's the things I say,  
>Maybe I should think before I speak<br>But I thought that I knew enough  
>To know myself and do what's right for me<br>And these walls I'm building now  
>You used to bring them down<br>The tears I'm crying out  
>You used to wipe away<em>**

**_I thought you said it was easy,  
>Listening to your heart<br>I thought you said I'd be ok  
>So why am I breaking apart?<br>Don't wanna be torn _**


	25. Chapter 25 Shattered Glass

**Shattered Glass**

**Sam's P.O.V**

_Samantha how many times have I told you not to go near the stove? _

_But I'm hungry momma! _

_I don't care if your starving!_

She hit me hard across my face which stung bad her eyes were changing from a soft auburn to a red she was pissed.

_Now go upstairs to your room Sam look what you made me do!_

She was screaming as she grabbed me shaking me I was so scared

_Go upstairs now you stupid child!_

She was towering over me her voice so shrill our cat shrieked I was trembling but as hard as I was shaking I pushed myself upstairs running over the old decaying steps which creaked and groaned.

I could hear her destroying things throwing pots and pans smashing bottles as she was done drinking them. She tore through the house screaming and throwing things. She found what ever she was looking for which must have been her cell.

I barricaded myself in my closet as I heard her banging but my dresser against my door kept her out which just made her madder.

_Damn it Samantha let me in! _

I curled up inside the old closet pushing my body way back the dust from old unused clothes made me sneeze as I wrapped my arms around my legs her words burning my ears as I rocked myself. Praying someone would help me through this storm.

I thought she would beat it down she was banging so hard.

_I'm sorry baby I shouldn't of hit you mommy loves you baby but you didn't listen you made me so mad if you did what I told you mommy wouldn't get so mad!_

_Mommy has to go out baby be good don't make me mad Samantha I can't control what happens .._

She slammed the front door on the way out I sighed staying in position for a long time. I felt cold and sick to my stomach. Carly was always telling me that it meant I was hungry and I needed food.

Carly was always so smart about things like this the pain in my stomach got worse and worse I tried watching TV but every station had some food reference on it. I tried music but nothing soothed the ache .

I needed food ..mom wasn't back and I felt dizzy Carly warned me I would faint if I got to hungry . She told me to call her and come over but it was late and I hated walking it was too much exercise, it wasn't fair to make Spencer come out.

There was nothing in the fridge so I had no choice I grabbed a pan and some meat .

The smoke was everywhere I was chocking and gasping some nice man in bright yellow clothes who looked like a walking banana pulled me out .

I was laying in a hard bed that went up and down Mom and Spencer were shouting at each other in the hall. Carly was holding my hand crying .

_You made me look unfit Sam!_

_What have I told you about making me look bad!_

_If only you had a brain Sam! Damn it!_

The fists came at me in a rage of fury I stumbled over my EZ2 bake oven that Carly had bought me just because she felt like buying me something. It cracked I clogged up I loved that oven it was the only present I had ever gotten. The fact that Carly bought it for me was a bonus she made me happy knowing someone cared enough to do that.

Mom saw me getting worked up ..

_Are you crying Samantha? What have I told you about crying?_

Smack ..I fell hard she took a bat and swung I closed my eyes as I heard it crack across my baking set.

_Sam it's your fault that your mom hurts you isn't it?_

I was pissed why was she doing this to me? Why was she making me remember all these crappy memories?

It wasn't my fault she was a bitch I was 8 how was I suppose to know how to cook meat?

_Sam only bad kids get hit right good children don't get the crap beating out of them right?_

I stared in Mrs. Cosgrove's eyes I knew her tricks I wasn't falling for it. I would not lose control.

_You know if you don't talk about this it's just going to get worse and worse as you get older it will eat you up inside you'll be angry and fly off the handle and it won't be at just someone like Freddie maybe Carly maybe another innocent person a child...you won't be able to keep a job cause you'll be fighting and losing control so you'll find a way to deal drinking, drugs, it will eat you up.._

_Statics show that 30% of abused and neglected children_**_will later abuse their own children,_**_continuing the horrible cycle of abuse , About 80% of 21 year old's that were abused as children met criteria for _**_at least one psychological disorder Abused teens are _****_less likely _****_to practice safe sex, putting them at _****_greater risk for STDs is this what you want Sam? Is this the life you want to live? Cause if you keep down this road you will..Imagine this Sam your two year old daughter coming to you looking all sweet _****_with her blond ringlets fallen over her shoulders those crystal blue eyes she reaches _**_up to you her pudgy little hands her little feet are moving so fast you can't keep up your tired and your hurting from a long day you just want to relax but she won't let up and you..._

Flashes in my mind race across like colors that dance on fragments of shattered glass.

I'm tying to control my breathing I'm getting angrier by the second my neck hurts from staring at her my eyes burned my hands were aching and tight.

My mind refused to let go this memory I was two.

I was racing through the house yelling for mom my little legs were burning from running so hard . My stomach hurt ..

_Momma I have to pee where are you!_

_Mommy where are you? I'm ready to go like a big girl!_

The house was dark but I heard noises so I climbed the steps breathing heavy as I got to the top. I looked around I was bursting to pee. Where was Mommy? She would be so proud I was ready for the big girl's toilet now.

_Mom?_

I stopped short the bathroom was dark and filled with some kind of smelly vapor ..there were a lot of people there my eyes adjusted to the darkness as I finally saw Mommy she was laying on the ground not dressed some old dude was on top of her making her sweaty making her make all these strange sounds needles lay scattered on the ground ..pills were thrown around some lady was on the counter with something in her mouth which was making the smelly stuff fly she looked half dead.

Another women was against the wall naked some guy was kneeling on the toilet his pants down as he was pressing himself into the lady she was making the same sounds mommy was he had red marks along his arms. I couldn't get to the toilet my legs were shaking my stomach hurt . I could feel the pressure making my belly hurt it felt like it was in a pool. I crossed my legs looking around ..why wasn't mom answering?

_Mommy I need help tell that old dude to get off the toilet _

_Mommy I have to go really bad !_

_Mommy!_

I went over to shake her the dude on her grunted as he made her scream why was she screaming? I had to stop him from hurting her..he pushed me hard I fell as he spat at me.

_Momma's busy stupid kid go away_

I started to cry ..

_Aw look what you made this cutie do Mark don't be mean she's only a wittle bitty baby aren't you darlin'?_

I backed up against the tub this dude was huge he had to be 200 lbs he was hairy and had a long bread he was sweating red faced he smelled funny his eyes looked glassy.

His arm had marks all up and down ..

_Mommy help me Mommy!_

_Oh no need to cry for momma baby girl I will help you sweetie _

His palm stroked my face I shivered his breath was hot against my face as I tried to push him off he just laughed.

_Come on baby girl Uncle Earl will show you love _

_Don't worry about momma she may be too busy but I have all the time in the world for you_

He picked me up and laid me on the floor I tried to stop him but I was only two...he pulled my pull ups down. I tried kicking him but my legs were too little I tried biting him but I was two I barely had any teeth, I was crying harder now as he ran his hands down my body till he came to my lower half.

_Were going to play a little game Samantha momma's getting some much needed therapy so I'm going to help you with your problems will have our own therapy session it's just between us though you have to keep this a secret don't make any noise mommy will be mad and you don't want her mad do ya darlin'?_

I was confused she was calm now giggling she looked relaxed as the strange old dude was giving her some kind of powder stuff she was sniffing it.. she wasn't hitting me or screaming I liked her this way.

I looked at him he seemed nice he was stroking my hair and saying sweet things to me I could trust him right?

I shock my head

_Smart little girl momma won't mind if we play together now do uncle earl a favor and spread those chubby little legs as far apart as you can this will help you in your training..._

I did as he told me to he smiled at me staring in my eyes ..

_Remember no crying or screaming keep momma quiet _

He slide his finger inside of me it hurt a lot but I stayed quiet I bit my lip so I wouldn't lose this game. My chest hurt a lot I closed my fist he pushed inside of me harder. I wasn't having fun aren't you suppose to have fun when you play?

It hurt it burned I held my breath inside he pushed down on me the pain was worse ..I had never had this kind of pain before even when mommy hurt me it was never this bad.

He put two fingers inside of me looking at me so I wouldn't make any noise I stayed quiet closing my eyes trying to think of anything to get through this. He pushed 3 inside then 4 my whole body was on fire everything hurt I could feel my lower half being torn , I held my breath as it became harder and harder not to scream he slide 5 inside and started to pull out and shove in harder and faster. The pain was never ending.

_Doing great baby girl doing so proud that's my sweet baby girl .._

He kissed my lips and I wanted to throw up , I could feel my bladder pounding I tried desperately to hold it in but then he pushed his whole fist inside of me I groaned and it all came out. I sniffled..

_Bad girl Samantha you lost that round but you can redeem yourself don't cry love Uncle Earl will help you wipe away those tears now you have to be punished so you can always remember to be a good girl._

_I didn't cry..I..n..o..scream.._

_Good girl you get points for that _

He took my hand and put it inside his pants

_For that I will introduce you to Earl Jr..he's lonely he wants to make friends.._

_You can be his friend just stroke him.._

_Stroke?_

_Yea like you pet a kitty _

_You know what that means right baby? _

I nodded Jr felt slimy he was bigger then my little hand was use to he was throbbing as I ran my hands up and down like he showed me to. I didn't like this game but I was afraid I shouldn't be though right he said he was my uncle even though I had never meant him maybe he was away like my daddy was and just came home.

He seemed to like what I was doing cause he was making all kinds of noises now he pushed my hand down into it harder. Jr got harder and bigger then there was a burst of wetness all over my hand.

_Good girl Samantha you stayed quiet just like I taught you_

_But you still need to be taught that lesson.._

_No please I be good I swear _

_I know you will Samantha_

He groaned over and over

_Cause I will teach you _

_Don't stop Samantha _

_Keep Stroking the kitty_

He kept groaning why the hell was he making the same noises momma was making?

Wetness again gross

_Just be a good girl and you won't get hurt don't speak don't scream_

_Just think next time you want to be bad or not listen you'll have to be punished_

_You made me mad Samantha You made me punish you Don't make people mad and you won't be punished_

I was clutching the couch as these memories overpowered me my whole body was tense and stiff hurting my head was dizzy.

I started feeling sick everything was spinning it couldn't be could it? Did this really happen to me? There was silence in the room it felt like a elephant was sitting on my chest her eyes were on me. I could feel them I swallowed putting my head between my legs she didn't say anything as she handed me a tissue but I refused the tears.

Taking a deep breath and keeping up that pattern I told myself to be strong I couldn't lose control.

Finally once my body was settled I looked up to see her sitting in front of me her butt on her feet she was in my face I avoided her eyes as she took my hands.

_Sam it's okay to tell me whatever it is that's eating you up.._

No she wasn't going to win ..no one was ever going to win against me again .

Leaning back I crossed my arms and legs staring her dead in the eyes my whole body was cooling off as I slowed my breathing.

No one was going to take this away from me again. I was an expert at this game it was all about how you played the game and Momma played to win.

_Time's up loser see ya never _

I jumped up she looked startled

_The mime does speak_

I grinned

_Maybe_

_Maybe not when I wanna sure_

She followed me out my mind was still reeling. I couldn't see the ending just the start of it the middle it was all fragmented in my head like shattered glass. I couldn't put it back to together to see the whole imagine just his laughter his smell my fear...his face haunted me made me sick I heard my whimpers of me begging him to stop...

_Your gonna see me, in your dreams tonight  
>My face is gonna haunt you all the time<br>When you broke me apart, like shattered glass  
>Glass, glass, glass <em>


	26. Chapter 26 Tell Me Why

**Tell Me Why?**

**Sam's p o v**

_Get off of me Freddie what do you think you are doing?_

_I said NO!_

My eyes locked onto Freddie's as he had Carly pinned against the wall. She was pushing him away looking scared , Something inside of me snapped I flashed back to Laura to Uncle Earl.

_Get off of her you stinking Nub!_

_She said NO!_

I ran and pulled him off of her hard Carly screamed as I slammed him into the wall.

_Sam!_

I was blazing as I started to shake remembering Uncle Earl..

I couldn't hear anyone my legs felt weak as Freddie's eyes locked into mine...

_When someone says NO it means No!_

**Mrs. Cosgrove p o v**

There's a moment that every professional who works with these kids wait for it's the breakthrough for some kids it never comes for some it comes early for some it takes time weeks months even years.

Something inside of Sam had been working through the whole session I could see it I could sense it she acted tough but she was breaking. I thought we would nail it then she shut down...Now watching this I could see it even more clearly Sam's issues went back to her childhood someone had taken advantage of her. I sensed it every bone in my body was sure of it this was a child that had been used and abused and left out in the cold to fend for herself. Carly was her savior and she would be loyal as a guard dog and fight for her. She was a lion who was hurting and on the haunt , Freddie was the prey. The one trying to hurt her cub Carly...her breathing was erratic she was sweating and looked sick as Spencer came in to get the kids. Carly went over and put her arms around Sam who's eyes were locked into Freddie's who was still backed against the wall looking scared.

Carly looked worried Sam looked sick and deranged Carly just held her kissing her head looking concerned.

I pulled a confused Spencer aside his eyes were locked on the scene that was still going on.

_Spencer I'm very concerned For Sam's mental state I truly believe she could benefit from Physiological in patient treatment._

_No absolutely not_

_Sam needs stability not another person who's ready to dump her when life gets to hard for them to handle._

_Mr. Shay no offense but I am a professional I have worked with plenty of troubled kids over the years she's sick she's troubled she's prone to violence she needs.._

_I know what Sam needs No offense but you meet Sam yesterday I have known her since she was 8. I have always been there for her and I will always be there for her she will not be locked up in some mental hospital because she has a few issues. _

I wanted to argue to tell him to get over his own ego to me Sam was a kid who had a ton of emotional issues who was dangerous to not only herself but her peers and society.

Still I was impressed with the loyalty that Spencer Carly and heck even Freddie had towards her how they were willing to fight for her. Even when she caused nothing but pain to them.

I went against my better judgment.

_I will forgo my recommendations for now but I want Sam here on time for every appointment she needs to start to open up I am writing a prescription for medication._

_She's a very troubled kid Mr. Shay and she needs to take action to approve her course now cause if she keeps going the way she is now she'll end up dead or in County before the end of the year._

**Spencer's p o v**

Now I understood why Sam hated this chick she really rubbed me the wrong way. Who the hell was she to tell me about Sam she had two sessions with her which I knew Sam said nothing to her cause this was not her idea and she was not going to crack. She was too stubborn this child. 

I agreed to the medication only because I felt it might help she had been getting worse I was worried and the fact that it shut this chick up and got us out of there was a bonus.

What had happened before I got here why was Sam staring at Freddie standing in front of Carly like she was protecting her? Why was Freddie looking like he was scared she'd eat him?

Why was it some people got all the breaks? Why did some kids seem to have to suffer endlessly?

Someone Just Tell Me Why?

**Carly's p o v**

Weeks passed and our school work was loaded upon us we were 3 weeks into school it was Friday night we had just gotten in from a group therapy session which went as well as you can expect Sam said nothing Freddie did all the talking which pissed Sam off and she tried to kill him . Spencer grabbed her and we left while Mrs. Cosgrove took medication.

We were now sitting on my bed tying to get homework done. Well I was Sam was doing everything expect H.W she turned on music extra loud trying to work on her solo which I killed. Then she went online and tried to chat with TJ. I killed that even faster then she turned on the TV I unplugged it she was too lazy to plug it back in.

She flipped through a teen magazine she called Wendy and talked to her for an hour she was popping gum which I made her spit out. She played a ds2 game which was all about murdering cute fuzzy animals by gnawing their brains out by their zombie owners.

_Ew Sam that's gross _

_So is Fredweeina's face _

_Sam!_

_Carly_

_Don't mock me!_

_Don't tell me what to do! I won't have to _

_Sam!_

She grinned I just glared back grabbing the game as a brain exploded I screamed she laughed so hard she fell off the bed.

_Fine Mommy I'll do my homework_

_Happy now?_

_Yes I am I'll be thrilled when we are done so I can talk to TJ_

_Oh yea about that_

_What? Sam what did you do?_

_Nothing I swear_

She held her hands up as I glared suddenly afraid

_SAMANTHA!_

_Don't Call me that evil name!_

_Don't mess with my boyfriend_

_He's not technically your boy friend yet you haven't even met _

_Sam What did you do?_

I was panicking she was loving it my face was red I was sweating and feeling sick..she started to look worry.

_Whoa Carlotta Chillax _

_I just might of suggested you two hooking up_

_HOOKING UP! We didn't even met you want me to have sex with him?_

_No not in that sense dang you have a dirty mind I just meant like I don't know meeting_

_SEX WHO"S HAVING SEX! NO One better even think of having sex here as long as those someone's are under 18 and living in Spencer's apartment.._

_It's my apartment to and I will have sex with whoever I want whenever I want _

Spencer barged in with a blow torch we screamed Sam grabbed the fire extinguisher ..

_Pu the flammable object down Spencer you are not permitted near any flammable objects ever! _

_Ever that's a long time!_

_Not long enough now put it down slowly and walk away hands up.._

I grabbed it as Sam circled him we breathed a sigh of relief.

Spencer shrugged

_Any who's Spencie has a date so Marrisa will be checking in on you two behave ladies and when I return. I expect homework done by both of you, I will be checking and I expect you to both be sealed as you are now.._

_Sealed?_

_Oh god Spencer go now were not having sex..._

_You better not be!_

_Wait did you say Marissa I mean Freddie's mom will be checking in on us? _

_Yes I did.._

Sam and I looked at each other and shuddered .

_Spencer Just Tell Me Why?_

_Cause I love you and I want you to stay the same sweet Innocent little sister_

_That's not love Spencer that's Torture _

He laughed as he went out.

Curiosity burned at me who was Spencer seeing? Why wouldn't he say?

_I have to pee_

_Sam you have to do this paper_

_You want my bladder to explode all over your fresh new bed linen?_

_Ew no _

_Then Momma has to pee_

_Fine hurry you have 5 pages left_

She grunted as she went to my bathroom.

_iBeCarly:Hey TJ OMG What a day!_

_TJ: What's wrong baby girl?_

_IbeCarly: Sam Freddie life etc..lol_

_TJ: I'll help you to de-stress babe just picture us on the beach in the Caribbean imagine me massaging your shoulders while the waves beat gently on the shore the music playing softly and we kiss.._

_iBeCarly" Whew I like kissing , kissing is good_

_TJ: A babe after my own heart _

_iBeCarly: That's cause you stole my heart and made it yours_

_TJ: Didn't I tell ya I'm part magician? _

_IbeCarly: You must be cuz you put a spell on me _

_TJ: You put me to the test your beauty froze me_

_iBECarly: Will a kiss unfreeze you? _

_TJ: It just might_

_iBeCarly: Well will just have to find out then don't we? _

_IbeCarly: I really want to meet up btw that was Sam before_

_TJ: Lol I was wondering it didn't sound like you and her spelling was horrendous_

_iBeCarly: I will have to work on her about that thanks lol_

_TJ: Sure babe I think my mom will be cool as long as it's public_

_iBeCarly: Awesome how about we go to the park and play some ball?_

_TJ: Have a picnic _

_iBeCarly: There's food Sam's there she'll be over the moon_

_TJ: Sweet can't wait to meet her to she sounds like a ham_

_iBeCarly: That's Sam Sam the ham_

_TJ: When should we do this?_

_ibeCarly: How about Sunday we have a thing in the morning so will be free by 1 or so_

_TJ: Awesome see you at __Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Park at one Sunday.._

_TJ: I'll be wearing a black and red pair of Athletic shorts and a black t-shirt with America Freedom Ain't So Free ..with a Yankee's hat_

_iBeCarly: Dang boy I don't even know what I'm gonna wear and I'm the girl lol So cute I will look for you._

I was so stoked I couldn't wait to see him the night was passing so slow. Somebody just Tell Me why when you are so looking forward to something the hours and days pass by painstakingly slow and when your dreading something the time flies?


	27. Chapter 27 NightMares

**Night-Mares**

**Carly's p o v**

Saturday night Sam made me stay up late to watch a movie Leprechauns vs Aliens there was so much blood and gore I spent half the time puking Sam spent the whole time laughing like crazy the other half pretending I was a baby.

_N-O N-O you don't want to eat my brains_

_I swear I won't make fun of your green horns ever again just let me live!_

_You don't want my blood .._

I was running through the city trying to get away from the life sized Leprechaun who was running from the giant Alien who was blowing up the city with a machine gun.

I was sweating when I woke up Damn Sam who was missing from the bed.

Still shaking I got up to go to the bed wondering where Sam went hoping TJ was on.

He was on thank god so we talked for hours , when I went back to sleep Sam was just coming in I looked at her questionably she smiled shrugging I laughed the movie had given her nightmares to but big tough Sam was too tough to admit it.

Falling asleep was easy now cause I dreamed we were in a flowered covered field with a mini waterfall he was playing violin music we held hands we danced.

When I woke up I felt amazing I wasn't even tired.

_Wow Carl's you have a huge smile on your face you whack off in your dreams?_

_Ew No Sam that's gross_

I hit her lightly she shrugged

_We all do it Carl's no shame_

Rolling my eyes as my face flushed I heard my phone going off

_Oh My gosh were late get up!_

_Aw Carly Shay over slept again such a bad girl what am I going to do with you?_

_I think your rubbing off on me _

_Momma taught you well about time your a slow learner _

_That's not a compliment_

_It can be if you want it to be_

_No I don't now get up and we need to hurry_

_Momma doesn't do hurry_

_Well momma better move or momma will be crying_

_Oh So scared Carl's are you going to panties me to death?_

_You want that fried chix tomorrow? I can tell TJ To forget..._

_NOOOOOOO! Don't mess with the chicken! Momma's up! _

She was up and in the bathroom before I could even get my legs out of the covers.

I should of known the day was going to be bad from that moment on it was off to a late start and Sam and Freddie had to be together for a mall show we had committed to last year. They did nothing but fight in the van it went from stoney silence to a all out bath of blood I even put HU on in my headphones and it didn't block them out.

_Would you two stop it!_

_No She has no right to call me a nub!_

_Why it's the truth and I have every right freedom of speech you tech geek your the nubbiest of all the nubs I call it as I see it!_

_Sam stop calling him a nub_

_Why he annoys me!_

_How can I annoy you? I'm here on my pear-pad doing research and I wasn't talking to you!_

_Your face is annoying your breathings annoying your being alive is annoying to me!_

_Freddie stop annoying Sam_

_How can I help it? She has mental issues_

_Freddie be nice_

_Why she's a total .._

_Sam DON"T!_

Too lateShe pushed him out of the moving van ..

_Sam what have I told you about pushing people out of moving vehicles?_

_It's rude it's illegal it's attempted murder _

She made hand jesters scrunching her face

_So why did you.._

_It wasn't a person Carl's it was a nub the nubbiest nub_

I groaned putting my head between my hands screaming.

Inside the center was no different either they fought in the waiting room making a assistant run out crying and one quit.

In the middle of the question and answer segment Freddie's cell went out he cussed softly muttering he was sure to put it on silent earlier.

_California girls  
>We're unforgettable<br>Daisy Dukes  
>Bikinis on top<br>Sun-kissed skin  
>So hot<br>We'll melt your Popsicle  
>Oooooh oh oooooh<em>

_California girls  
>We're undeniable<br>Fine, fresh, fierce  
>We got it on lock<br>Westcoast represent  
>Now put your hands up<br>Oooooh oh oooooh _

The 800 plus audience full of teens and kids laughed pointing at Freddie who blushed as Sam called out.

_Oh Fredifer momma's calling you didn't have your weekly tic bath or sign your double poo agreement!_

A bunch of kids laughed getting this on video , His face was flushing.

_Aw is wittle Freddie ashamed? Don't worry I won't tell them how you crimp your hair for like four hours how you bathe in antibacterial bath water cause Mommy's afraid her precious wittle son Son will wither away with any germs like the puny flower he is..._

Everyone was laughing and pointing she was on a roll, his face was bright red I felt bad for him.

_Sam stop! _

_Keep going ! I love You Sam I'm getting this on Splash-face!_

_I love you Sam!_

_Momma thanks you and she loves you to_

She made a show of blowing kisses which made me laugh.

Freddie clenched his fist pissed

_At least my mom gives a damn about me and protects me she doesn't run off to sell her body for every tom dick and harry that gets past her skirt then again with a delinquent like you as a kid who can blame her for being a druggie and alcoholic you would push anybody to self destruct ..you freaking pig._

The laughter stopped Sam was pale and shaking , Freddie stopped suddenly as a few Oh-Oh's ran through the crowd. What the heck was he thinking going after Sam? Was he trying to die?

I held my breath waiting for Sam's reaction what was she going to do?

I saw her tense up her face went from pale to bright red I heard the crowd start to snicker and gasp pointing from Freddie to Sam some started to whisper about her which I knew she heard. She swallowed looking around I saw her line of vision falling on the cops who were here for security they were waiting watching to see what she would do I knew she was thinking this time about probation and how if she screwed up she would be sent back to Juvy. I went closer to her and put my hand on her back she tensed till she saw it was me, I saw kids with their camera's out waiting to get Freddie's beat down on camera and post it to splashface.

_Sam don't..._

She didn't look at me as I whispered to her but Freddie did he was scared he knew he went too far.

_I didn't do it for you nub so wipe that smirk off your face I did it for Sam and for these kids...they don't need to see violence Sam please come on.._

_Your not worth going to Juvie for..._

She growled and glared then she whispered to him...

_But watch your back nub cause Momma will get ya sometime some where some place..._

I felt like killing Freddie why why the hell would he say something so stupid? He looked at me with such intense eyes though that I almost melted .

_I was just defending myself Carly you have to get that what she's doing is wrong_

_Well you took it to far just like you always do_

I shoved him and went to chase down Sam.

_Carly! Carly!_

I spun as some little girls wearing iLove iCarly penny T's were calling me . They were about 8 or 9 with pigtails and painted faces.

_Hi_

I swallowed trying to find Sam who had disappeared into the crowd.

_Please don't cancel iCarly we love your show it makes us laugh so much our whole class loves it! _

_Aw thanks your too cute I'm sorry we haven't been doing the show lately we have a lot going on_

_Please stop fighting and make up already we like you 3 as friends _

One girl started to cry which made me tear up so I held her her and tried to talk her down.

_Carly can I get a hug?_

_Why is Freddie so mean to Sam?_

_Me How am I mean!_

Suddenly the kids started to hit Freddie

_Carly when will you do more iCarly?_

_Carly Carly!_

The kids started to over whelm me with questions . I couldn't move or breathe Sam was gone.

_Carly hello?_

_Hi.._

I turned to the women that came up to me she was dressed in a suit her hair in a bun.

_Hi Carly my name is Noel Callback and I'm a teacher at St. Mary Assisi Elementary and I just wanted to tell you that our whole class loves iCarly. I have taken for the last five years to use iCarly as a teaching method to relate to my kids. Every Friday it's mandatory that they watch iCarly and take notes I ask them to write a Essay on the show about what lessons they can learn from that episode. On Monday we talk it over and take those lessons and hold class debates and discussions on it. _

_Wow that's awesome ma'am it works?_

_Yes it does the kids pay attention because it's something they enjoy they learn faster cause their into it._

_Wow I'm impressed I never heard a teacher doing that_

_Well I tried all the usual methods and nothing worked my kids feel they didn't need school cause where their from it's either dead end jobs, penitentiary,or the cemetery. Most don't have parents who care if they do the parents are so busy working their not there to help their kids. They love the show cause each kid can relate to one of you. Most feel Sam is most like them but kids see a bit of every one of you in them._

_It's been tough for me this year with no iCarly please can you work this out...these kids need iCarly they need positive role models._

_My method works I received proof this week here's some letters if you have the time I would love it if you would read them. Basically what it is saying is that three of my kids form my first year of using this method have come a long way Nichole was from the wrong side of town she had a bad attitude and didn't care she couldn't read in 6__th__ grade past a 2and grade level now she's in the top honors at her high school about to be valedictorian and she was accepted into Harvard and Yale. My other two kids are similar success stories._

_iCarly changed their lives please help me change more lives these kids need saving._

_Thank you ma'am I'll think about it and talk it over with Sam and Freddie I'm glad you found success take care Ma'am ._

_I will you to god bless You three Carly_

_Aw thanks_

Great now I had to think about these kids who I didn't even know yet whatever we decided would or could effect their young lives forever.

No pressure huh?

Where was Sam? Freddie was hiding behind a giant statue looking scared I felt like passing out from confusion. 


	28. Chapter 28 Innocence

**Innocence **

**Sam's p o v**

_'' Your worthless you little bastard child!_

The warm flesh of her palm smashed against my cold face .

It was bitter cold outside and of course I woke up late for school I had no time to look for something edible. I grabbed the same clothes I had been wearing for two weeks straight since mom didn't pay the water bill. I ran out tripping over the mess on my floor and was half way to school when it dawned on me I forgot my key.

School was horrible I got a dentition for missing the first 2 periods. Carly was out sick the kids were whispering and snickering. Freddie and I spent all day fighting and I got detention 3 more times. All which had to be made up that day cause the next day was Thanksgiving. I spent three hours in dentition.

After-wards I was locked out I was freezing with only a thin T-shirt on and ripped jeans a light jacket . I had to pee I was shivering I had no money for lunch and Freddie refused to spot me. I had no Carly to feed me. Freddie ratted me out when I beat up billy Walters for his lunch money I got my third detention for that. Thanks nub.

I wanted to kill Freddie but I had bigger problems by the time I got home it was after 6 it was dark and freezing a fresh snow had fallen for the third day in a row. Carly would say it was so pretty but then again she always had a nice warm apartment to go home to. She didn't know how cold snow was when you had to sleep on it night after night.

I pounded on the door for an hour my bladder was killing me I was shivering and starving. I screamed for Mom to let me in till I was raw all she did was crack open a window.

_Your pathetic kid get it through your head your not wanted. Get lost kiddo go bother someone else I don't care where you go who you go with just don't come here this isn't your home!_

_Momma I have to pee! I'm hungry!_

_Go away kid go where ever you any other day I don't give a rat's butt_

_I can't Carly's sick_

_Who?_

_Carly my best friend she's sick_

_What are you 3 kid? Best friend for real?_

She was dangling a stick from her mouth it smelled funny.

_No Momma I'm 9_

_Who cares how old ya are just get out of my hair_

_But it's almost Thanksgiving!_

_Again who cares kid just go I'm sick of ya_

She slammed the window shut laughing some guy came up and grabbed her sneering at me. I sighed as I felt the tears start to fall crossing my legs I felt like I was about to burst. I refused to let the tears fall as I picked up my bag, Where was I suppose to go? The wind picked up making it even colder I shivered as I hurried away.

A cat cried into the night air I felt it's lonely pain.

The streets were damp from the snow which had mounted to about 6 inches now. It made walking harder my vision was clouded. I wrapped my arms closer getting out of my block I saw all the kids and teens from the blocks gathered. The crisp members were lining a apartment building all in their blue waiting to cap someone from inside. I stayed as far away as possible suddenly six kids wearing red tore out of the building shooting at the crisp members who started firing back I threw myself down to protect myself shaking.

I was breathless sweating my legs were on fire ready to give out it was hard to stand my lungs were on fire.

_Hey lil girl what cha'ya doing out here in these parts all alone? Lil cutie like you should be home tucked into her strawberry shortcake bed_ .

He laughed I shivered backing away.

_Want some candy honey? It will be sweet for your tummy_

His eyes sparkled I shock my head and kept backing away I knew what his kind of candy was.

_No thank you.._

_Come on sweetness _

He grabbed at me I screamed hitting a brick wall he grinned as he staggered forward he reeked of booze he was dressed in rags unshaven his eyes were glazed but he was fast and strong, I had to be quick as I kicked him down below he yelped falling so I took off .

I used the stars as a guide they were so pretty I watched them as I hiked in the city.

The stars were dim tonight cause of the snow but I knew these stars like the back of my hand their my friends and my guidance.

There was Luna she was ten which in star years I think means she's like 10 million years old which is really really old. She had a energy supply that never seemed to end. She was sassy and and loved to win she was always racing the boys and talking back.

Then there was Megan she was a fairy princess well in her mind anyway, she loved to twirl jump spin dance and she had a cute laugh she loved dresses and didn't care what anyone including her mean older sister Elise said. Her tiara sparkled as did her smile.

There was Kathy who was shy and loved to listen to what the winds told her she spoke a language with them.

The three had been friends forever traveling the world spreading their light they were chasing after this boy who they all thought was so cute they had made a bet which girl could land him..who was he? Well his name was Michael Prince Michael his dad Sterling had rescued a whole village when they were under attack. Everyone thought Michael would be rich.

I preferred Carrie she was quite but she shone so bright she moved slowly in the sky like she had her own beat going on. She guided me to safety the city was lite up for the holidays.

I made my way to a little cafe which stayed open all night for college kids who were up studying and needed a fix. A few kids were at tables, I waited and watched till I saw a group of girls about 19 or 20 coming up the street when they were just past me I sneaked in behind them no one paid attention as I sneaked inside and bee lined for the bathroom.

Once I had peed washed up and got a little warmer I went out waiting and watching for the right moment. It came when the group came in laughing and went to the counter to talk to the cute boy who was behind the counter.

I watched as he turned away and quickly snatched a sand-which from the display case taking off. I wasn't sure if they saw me or not. I didn't stop till I was far enough away exhausted I sat by the lake it was so pretty the snow lightly covered it.

I was so cold again I just wanted to get warm I saw the police cruising and staring as I ate the last of the sand-which. I took shelter under the bridge which was icy there were a lot of people there a middle age man who was drunk and smelled like piss he was passed out under cardboard a women who I named Crazy Ellie she was screaming out the lords name .

Another man named Larry who lost his wife and kids in a fire 6 years ago and turned to drugs . I was scared of him ..there were families huddled together over makeshift fires using cardboard boxes as shelter. I went past all of them and tuned right down a hill trying not to fall. Deep in the ravine was a fire and tons of kids and teens piled around this is where all the city's homeless children go.

Homeless it sounded so lonely and it was treated like a disease.

_Hey Ry wassup? _

_Lil Sami babe what's shaking?_

_Life ya know_

Ryan was super cute he was 14 but looked older with a leather jacket tight jeans which hugged his body. His blond hair was spiked he had piercings in his nose and eyebrow.

_Sami girl need a hug?_

I nodded Ryan was my protector . He was funny and made me laugh. That night he cuddled me by the fire I was wet from the snow freezing cold and so hungry my stomach and head both hurt like crazy.

I fell asleep in his arms hearing him sing to me softly as I felt my eyes start to close shut.

_Who the hell does she think she is what is she doing in your arms!_

It was in the middle of the night when a voice woke me up from my sleep in his arms.

I saw some teenage girl standing over us with a gun her eyes looked wasted Ryan whispered to me in my ear..

_Run Sam hurry she's crazy _

The girl screamed bloody murder as she raised the gun at me. I grabbed my bag and took off.

The night was so long I watched the stars trying to take my mind off the cold the hunger and the fear.

I made up games and stories for them trying to forget where I was trying to stop wondering why?

What had I done? What was so wrong that my mom hated me? Was I that bad? Did I make her life so hard she just gave up caring? Did I take away her dreams? Didn't I eat my veggies when I was little? Did I laugh too loud? Did I forget my key for the final time and she just got so mad she wanted to punish me?

I had to pee again bad the cold made it worse I needed to move my body which ached from sitting too long.

I needed to find something opened before I couldn't hold it anymore but it was so late so dark I couldn't see anything. Slowly I crept along the streets through ally's.

I heard a noise so I stayed still. When it was quiet I started out slow again. A light came on I froze and hide.

_Hello?_

I stayed still as a mouse being stalked by a cat.

_I know your there it's okay little girl I'm a cop I'm here to help_

My mom's voice came into my head as I tried to hold my breath so he wouldn't see it in the cold.

" _Remember Samantha cops are no good useless tax guzzling B.S talking idiots they won't help you they love to punish bad girls like you ..Never trust them."_

Her voice rung out inside my head I stayed quiet I was afraid to move I knew what they did to kids like me we got locked up forced to stay inside even though we didn't want to be on the streets. They acted like we were criminals cause we were forced into this life.

_My name's Officer Peter Lutz I'm here to take you to safety it's okay your not in trouble I'm going to take you to covenant house it's a place for kids like you. There's a warm bed plenty of food fresh clothes._

Covenant house I had heard of that place before.

Food did sound amazing my stomach hurt so bad , I was so cold a warm bed or a warm bowl of soap sounded great. Fresh clothes ..maybe I should I stunk I was itchy..

" _Cops will throw you in juvie Sam their take you away from me and say I was a bad mommy but I'm not baby .._

She was stroking my hair as she fixed it she kept holding me telling me she was sorry she had hurt me the night before she had been drinking and she got mad cause I did the laundry but mixed the whites and colors and dyed her favorite shirt, I was 6...now she was rocking me as she fixed my hair which she had pulled so hard as she dragged me down the steps half of it came out and caused me to bleed. I didn't cry.

_They don't understand Sam Puckett's were tough we don't cry we don't ask for help we survive on our own..we don't need their meddling. Never trust a cop.._

After what seemed like hours the cop went away finally I grunted as I squatted down to relieve myself unable to hold it any longer. My face was burning hoping no one saw me.

Not wanting to freeze I wandered the streets carefully watching the stars as I walked around.

Night gave away to light people came on the streets but the city still seemed shut down for the holiday.

Around ten I went and watched the parade when a vender wasn't looking I stole a hot

dog .

Watching the little kids with their families made me wonder what I did was so wrong why didn't I get a family like theirs?

I sat on the sidewalk picking up popcorn off the streets when the parade was done, I split it was warmer but I was still so cold and hungry.

Mom refused to let me inside so at 8 when the sun had set again and the cold front had come back inside I broke a window which I was sure would set her off.

Instead I found her passed out on the kitchen floor with her latest drug dealing boyfriend. They were naked there were wet spots by where they lay needles and white powder .

Stepping over them I went to the fridge trying to figure out what I could eat.

_See anything you like little girl? _

I screamed as he came up behind me he grinned looking me up and down.

_Don't be afraid babe I won't hurt you I swore to protect the innocents._

_My mommy doesn't look protected she looks bad.._

_No baby she's just sleeping we had a lot of fun last night you know how when you and your friends have so much fun that your just bone tired and fall straight to sleep..well I protected your momma's body last night and we had a lot of fun doing it. So now she's resting.._

_How ? Why does she look so pale? What's wet on the floor?_

_You want me to show you how?_

I froze he swore he had helped my mom and she looked peaceful it was the only time I had seen her so quiet was when her boyfriends came over and did what ever they did to her.

I was so hungry and there was nothing in the house to eat I was cold she looked warm she didn't look hungry maybe he would help me feel like her. Mom wouldn't let someone in the house that would hurt me would she?

Slowly I nodded..

_I'll show you how your mommy and I had fun be quiet so we don't wake her kay Sam?_

He ran his hand over my face I nodded freezing in my spot. Suddenly I wasn't so sure he smelled funny.

Why did this seem so familiar?

He backed me up against the wall his hands traveled the length of my body . I closed my eyes wanting to melt away I felt my shirt come off.

_What a sweet thing you are I bet you'll be a heart-breaker with these big blue eyes and these gorgeous golden curls. Now be good or I'll call the cops and have you thrown you in jail with all the other bad girls who don't obey..._

I was colder as I shock.

_Looks like momma didn't teach you how to bathe pretty girl such a shame for a little darlin like you to be such a dirty girl.._

_Your Shaking pretty girl_

_I'll keep you warm little girl..._

I heard him unzip the sound echoed in my ears

_Please don't_

I whispered

_I promise you'll like it just relax you'll be fine_

He took off my jeans running his hands over my legs his lips touched my legs, I shivered he pulled my boxers off. I felt his tongue enter me it worked it's way up I held back the tears . He pushed his fingers inside of me I bit my lips he pushed in all 5 then his fist cussing when it didn't fit , I felt him grab something .

_This is what grownups use when we play so relax Sam it won't hurt so much.._

Whatever it was it was long metal and hurt like hell..he lied to me..I couldn't help but scream then he flipped some switch and my whole lower half was shaking . I kept screaming as he groaned hitting me over and over..

_That's it baby scream I knew you were a dirty little girl_

My face burned I couldn't stop screaming my whole lower half hurt everything felt hot.

Suddenly he shoved himself inside my mouth I chocked he grabbed my head shoving me closer as he pushed me in harder.

When he was done he hoovered over me while white stuff which was thick came out of his thing and went all over me . I didn't cry I didn't scream I was frozen ..he kissed me.

_Good girl Sami now you'll know how to please a man you'll be amazing!_

He pulled me close running his hands over my bare butt squeezing it.

_Turn around Samantha _

I didn't want to but I was afraid was ashamed..

_I said turn around_

_No!_

_Damn it turn the eff around! _

He hit me over and over

_Listen to him Samantha _

My mom came up with a metal rod and smashed me over the head my knees buckled he grabbed

me and slammed me against the wall.

He stood up and I felt like a ball of fire had passed through my backside as it was split open.

_I want a turn on that little brat_

My mom grabbed me and I closed my eyes as she strapped something on and tore me open inside of me.

Just kill me now I prayed please kill me now..I was in so much pain my fingers broke the wall from squeezing it so hard.

Hours later I lay on the ground bleeding sore and ashamed ..

He picked me up my chin I winced from the intense pain but I didn't scream or cry my eyes landed on his badge he was in his uniform..his badge said..

Officer Peter Lutz...

She threw down a can of dog food

_Happy Thanksgiving Samantha here's dinner_

_Just like the dog you are eat up bitch_

I looked at her

_Don't look at me like that I'm doing it for your own good so you can be strong and make it on your own..it's cause I love you.._


	29. Chapter 29 Reflections

**Reflections**

**Sam's p o v**

" _Sam Puckett?_

I turned from the river shaking my head clear of those memories . My fist hurt so I opened and closed them a few times.

I breathed out a rush that went through my head . Shaking it out I took a deep breath to come face to face with ..

_Ryan.._

_Yeah man how's it going?_

I swallowed he was older looking now but he was still good looking his blond hair was thicker and looked fuller slicked back. He was built but was still thin .

_You look tense baby girl what's wrong?_

_Life sucks_

_Can I help? _

He hugged me massaging my shoulders slow and strong it did help a lot.

_Sit Puckett talk to me_

We sat side by a tree he pulled me into his lap I felt warm there just like when I was a kid.

_Forget me Ry I wanna know about you_

He laughed running his hand through my hair.

_Well I was lucky I got picked up by a ran from covenant house and they helped me clean up I went into rehab and enrolled in school I made good grades and I got into collage made the football team I worked my way up to the top of my class. _

_What are you doing now?_

_I'm a computer programmer at Seattle University of Technology _

My head spun around

_Really?_

_Yea Sam I make top dollar and have a awesome apartment you should check it out sometime_

_I love to _

_I see your doing alright ? _

_You have a web show _

_You saw iCarly? _

_Yea my daughter loves it_

_Whoa wait_

_Not really my kid but she's my girlfriend's daughter we've been together 5 years she's 7 years old I love her like mine._

_What's her name?_

_Sarah Jade she's the cutest kid you ever saw well next to you._

I grinned sighing as I laid back down.

_You okay Puckett?_

If only I could tell him he rubbed my shoulders

_There are ways to get help Sam you don't have to go through it alone_

I am alone I thought bitterly

_I'm okay just been busy school's really nuts plus I'm on probation again _

_I hear ya man life of a street kid _

I nodded

_Here take these it'll help ease the pain and tension _

_What is it? _

_Ativan, it has a short time span so take it in the morning before school and it will calm you down help you get through the day and it will wear off before you go for your drug test in the afternoon ..take another does at night and you can study. _

_It's safe?_

_Yea man I wouldn't give you anything that would harm ya baby girl_

_Just be careful don't get caught _

I nodded not sure if I should take it or not

_Relax plenty of us take them the trick is not to get addicted baby girl _

_I know you can handle it _

I nodded

_Thanks Ry-man_

_No sweat baby girl where's your cell? Let me give you my number_

I tucked the bag away giving him my number.

_Take care Sam keep in touch you can make it through I did._

I nodded watching as he leaned over and kissed me on my lips.

My lips tingled as he broke apart strolling away. I watched his retreating back.

The reflection still lingered in the water as it rippled from a passing boat. I wondered was this how my life was just a series of reflections? Would I ever get to stop and enjoy it? Would there be anything for me to enjoy? I seemed to get moments of happiness before they were ripped away and replaced with pain and confusion.

If I looked close enough I could see that little girl staring back at me begging for help begging to know why , why did this have to happen to her? To me? Why did she have to suffer? Why did she have to feel ashamed? What did she do to deserve this life? Why was she so alone in this world?

Why couldn't she ask for help? Why couldn't someone see that the mask she put on for the rest of the world was just that a cover? When will her reflection show what her life was really like?

The water rippled again and she went away I sighed as I heard..

_Sam !_

_Sam!_

_Oh thank god your okay!_

Carly's urgent voice shoved me back into the present I shock my head to clear my thoughts again.

Carly was breathless as she ran up followed by a scared reluctant Freddie.

_Sam why the hell did you run off like that?_

_Do you know how worried I was?_

_She probably doesn't care Carly_

_Shut-up Freddie_

Carly threw her arms around me I could smell her perfume which drove me nuts.

The feel of her arms wrapped around me made me tingle her breasts pressed against mine made me tense my breath sucked in . I waited for her to stop holding me so tight but I dreaded when she would stop. I loved having her arms around me what was going on with me? She was my best friend my best girl friend why was I having these feelings?

She was making it hard to breathe.

She came out of the hug her hair which was hanging limp from being weighed down with sweat was annoying her so she shoved it back hard grunting a little which I just found too cute . My hands were on her shoulders so I massaged her a bit trying to ignore the tingling that was going on down below where her hands were on my hips.

_Sam who was that guy?_

_An old friend _

_From where_ ? _How old is he?_

_Why do you care Freddie? You think I'm scum just like my mom_

_I didn't I …_

_Forget it Fred d-aweenia_

_Carly has other priorities let's get you fixed up girlfriend._

_Sam why did you run off where were you this whole time here?_

_Sam I was trying to apologize_

_Well eat it Nub were not friends were not co-stars anymore were nothing! _

_Sam!_

I grabbed Carly who looked torn my eyes bore into him he sunk back as I turned pulling Carly into the bathroom.

_**A/N If you know any child that is homeless and needs help please contact **__**.org/ **_

_**USA # (1-800-999-9999) There is help out there don't let them suffer.**_


	30. Chapter 30 Angina

**Freddie's p o v**

**Angina **

Martin Luther King Jr Park was packed full of people families having BBQ's and picnics people swimming or out on boats relaxing playing volleyball. Kids playing on the sand or in the playground.

I sat down on one of the swings while I watched a father and son tossing a football the kid looked around 7, he laughed as his dad picked him up tackling him sighing I shock my head the park was full of American flags which were raised at half mass.

My vision was caught as I saw Sam and Carly come from the bathroom . I felt a pressure in my pants which were now too tight. Carly was even hotter then normal she had on a short pair of tight black jean shorts which clung to her in all the right places. A v-neck t-shirt which had USA across the chest in American colors. On the bottom it said Freedom Isn't So Free. She was looking even taller in her purple and black high tops she was glowing in fresh makeup and some hair primping.

Sam was holding Carly's arm through hers as they had their heads bowed together giggling. Where were they going? I followed them sighing .

Why did I not like the feeling of this? Why had they suddenly gotten so fixed up just to go to the park?

Even the Devil herself looked made up more she had on black skin tight skinny jeans my eyes were glued to her back side. I don't think I had ever seen her butt look so full in any outfit before. She was looking fine. She had on a loose black fitting t-shirt with a picture on it that I couldn't make out. She had on black laced boots which gave her current 5'4 height a additional 4 inches.

Her long wavy hair was blown out straight she had a rosy glow her lips looked freshly coated she had on a aqua blue and black baseball cap turned to the left with a local baseball team's logo on it. She made the whole look well HOT.T ..Wait did I just say Sam Puckett was Hot?

Thank God she didn't hear me think that.. I would have two broken legs to go with that arm.

I followed them through the wooded past past the lake kids were running along the lake chasing balls with dogs. Some were biking or playing hide and seek or Skating .

What were they whispering about so intently? Where were they going?

We got to a clearing as they entered a wide spacious lawn where tons of people were relaxing flying kites playing with babies or dogs. I saw them scanning the crowd as if they were looking for someone.

I moved so I could get a better view of their faces my eyes followed theirs as they suddenly saw whoever it was that they were looking for. Sam pointed to a teenage boy sitting on a blanket with a huge picnic basket by him. He was strumming a guitar.

Carly's face was lite up I heard her squeal as she grabbed Sam's arm , Sam smiled she really did have a pretty smile ..wait did I just think that Sam had a pretty smile?

No..No..Stop it Freddie..!

Carly bent closer whispering to Sam who nodded eagerly pulling her into a hug her eyes gazed over my way . I ducked hoping she didn't see me I held my breath when I dared to look I saw the boy had rising to meet them.

By my standards he was a typical Teen-Age boy nothing special as far as I could tell but he had Carly's complete attention. She looked ready to melt my heart broke so this is why they looked so amazing.

_Looks like your competition just got higher_

_G.I.B.B.Y_

_That's what I am Gibby!_

_You almost gave me a heart attack_

_I almost gave you a heart attack? I'm just Gibby You've known me For years _

_I know what should do it to you._

_What Gibby?_

_That_

He pointed to where Carly was now hugging this boy ..

_Yea that gives me Angina _

_That makes two of us .._


	31. Chapter 31 iThink Their Gonna

**Freddie's p o v**

**iThink Their Gonna**

_Who the hell is he to put his hands on our girls?_

_Whoa relax there young Jedi _

_Don't tell me relax _

_He's fondling our girls!_

_Okay I don't think him touching her check or putting his hands on her back counts as fondling._

_Well it does to me!_

_Okay well lets all follow the book of Freddie then_

Gibby waved his hands in the air I glared feeling my face starting to burn.

The thought of him putting his hands on her made me sick what did he have that I didn't? I was good looking wasn't I ?

She looked so gorgeous the way she threw her head back as she laughed how she touched his face as she looked into his eyes her own eyes glowing.

How she relaxed her body into his arms how he wrapped his around her tiny figure so effortlessly, how he played with her hair and kissed her neck.

They seemed to talk for hours and laugh like crazy. Then they played volleyball..I watched while he showed her how to serve how to straighten her position his hands on her delicate waist she looked like a goddess in her tiny black bathing suit. His hands moved along her waist and hips showing her how to line herself up and how high to put her arms.

I watched him as he watched her butt sick pervert. It took every ounce of will not to charge him when his hands slide over it. She blushed but she twirled sexy flirting her butt off with him.

He put his hands on her waist and held her laughing as they shared a dance.

My heart sank further as they entangled later on the blanket feeding each other.

_Kill me now_

I sank to my knees when he brushed something off her lips their eyes meet . She closed hers he pulled her close cradling her in his arms she pressed herself to him and they leaned in.

_iThink their gonna kiss_

_I don't wanna.._


	32. Chapter 32 Up N Down

**Carly's p o v**

**Up 'N Down**

TJ's arms felt amazing he smelled so sweet like homemade apple pie. As soon as he saw us he stood up smiling is wear my legs almost gave out damn he looked fine.

I had to hold onto Sam to keep from falling. She was all too happy to support me.

TJ came out and meet us halfway I literally felt Sam push me into his arms. I squeaked which both of them laughed at.

Turning to glare at Sam who just shrugged I felt my face flush mainly from how much I enjoyed the warmth of TJ's body. I didn't even notice I was cold till he warmed me up.

_I can't believe we finally got to meet you, you have no idea how much I was looking forward to this Carly._

TJ took my hands which felt amazing he was nervous I could tell he was sweating and trying to look calm but his eyes were clouded he was even blushing a bit.

_You must be the famous Sam Puckett I've heard so much about_

Sam eyed me looking worried I shrugged.

_Aw come on ya know I love ya I would never tell anything to private_

She relaxed TJ laughed slinging his arm over my shoulders

_Is this okay?_

_More then babe_

_Okay to put my arm over you Sam?_

_Uh sure I guess_

She seemed to relax into his arms.

_Wow I love the spread you really went all out_

_Well you said Sam loves her food _

_Momma does love to eat and her stomachs growling now_

_Well we have plenty of food so dig in_

_Cute blanket who's the baby?_

He had the cutest photo blanket with the cutest baby on it the baby was wrapped in tiger blanket.

_Cutest baby ever_

_Aw thanks _

_It's you?_

_Yup when I was 8 months my mom made one for all of us at that age_

_Why that age?_

Sam asked as we sat down on the blanket.

_Hey Mom just really loved that age she always took our photo's at that age and made blankets_

_Even now every year we all have to have a family photo.._

_Aw I would love to see that_

_That's cool Spencer's not really into the whole picture thing_

_Yea he's not too good with the whole electronics Flammable breakables ..you name it_

_Sam be nice_

_What I am momma only speaks the truth_

_So TJ tell us stuff_

_What kind of stuff Sam? _

_I don't know stuff_

We laughed

_Like what part of the city are you from? Do you have any brothers sisters?_

_Preferably cute brothers_

_Do you get along with your parents?_

_Any pets? What do you do in your spare time?_

_Sam!_

I laughed she looked so cute as she tried to be all motherly I hit her arm as she held up her hands.

TJ thank god seemed to get a kick out of her.

_Relax Honey we have all day to get to know each other_

_I'm sorry TJ I just need to know some simple facts I mean your interested in my bestie and she's my everything so I want to make sure she will be in good hands._

_The best Sam relax let TJ breathe_

_I'm sorry Carly _

_For what TJ?_

_I just can't seem to stop staring at you Carly Your just so beautiful god even more breath taking then the pictures you sent me._

_See I told ya Carl's _

_Stop It both of you I'm flaming here_

I waved my hands in front of my face to cool myself off

_Don't be embarrassed babe it's not a bad thing your hot embrace it.._

He looked me up and down I shivered thinking of what he was imaging oh god this was embarrassing did he look happy? I was afraid to look. Was he disappointed? I started to shiver I looked to Sam for help but all she had eyes for was that fried chicken in that basket.

_Really sweets you have nothing to worry about your perfect as you are._

_Aw that's sweet babe but I'm not perfect_

_To me_

He lifted my chin up with his fingers

_You are _

I blushed harder

_Perfect day today huh? Sun's out shining no wind the water is sparkling and looking so inviting_

_Why don't we go in?_

Suddenly I was very shy about showing him my body in a swimsuit I shock my head again.

_Pretty Girl what's wrong? _

His hands were resting on my chin and my check

_Nothing I would just rather talk and get to know you we can swim another day_

_You sure?_

_Yea _

He looked into my eyes I brushed my hair back and looked him back in his eyes.

_So to answer your questions Sam why don't we play a little game _

_Sure Momma loves games just be warned momma plays to win all the time_

_She's not kidding she really does win every time_

_Well this game isn't a win or lose type of game it's more or a truth or dare_

_Momma likes_

_However every-time you chose dare you lose food Sam and Carly you lose kisses so I suggest truth_

_Huh momma no like losing food_

_That's mean!_

_Yea but I'm loveable otherwise_

_I bet you are _

_I'm not seeing it _

Sam crossed her arms pouting

_You'll see soon enough dear_

He touched her check she laughed I started to relax sink into his arms which he gladly wrapped around me.


	33. Chapter 33 Hold It Against Me

**Carly's p o v**

**Hold it Against Me**

Magic ...Now I believe in it.. As soon as he pulled me close and his husky voice softly asked..

_Will it be okay if I .._

I couldn't even wait for him to ask I nodded eagerly.

His lips touched mine and I became a believer.

They say stars fly Rockets blast colors dance in your mind..None of that happened it was quieter simple my lips tangled with his and the tingling made me shake my whole body seemed to come alive. I simply enjoyed it a-lot. He laid me down kissing me fully on the mouth our tongues playing hide and seek.

I sought he found I moved my hands over his chest he straddled me over his legs , his hands ran up and down my butt and the rest of my body. I couldn't stop moaning thankfully our mouths were too busy exploring each others to release these sounds.

We kept kissing as he gently laid me down again then I pulled myself on top of him we weren't the only couple hot and heavy. He was a total gentlemen though asking permission to do anything with me. If he could kiss me touch me in a certain place remove my top. I was shaking I was so scared but I nodded as he slowly pulled off my top. I was so relieved to see he was scared to.

I kissed his neck feeling his rock hard abs I could feel his hands slowly working his way up and down my whole body. I felt him in between my legs my whole lower half was throbbing so hard I was scared I would piss myself. I was so turned on by him I was afraid he would think I was desperate.

I could feel him though he was in the same predicament which made me smile we both blushed as we came up for air breathing heavy flushed.

_Thank god you two ran out of oxygen momma needs to piss bad._

She flopped down by me as I lay in his arms

_You need Carly to hold your hand ?_

_No.._

She blushed

_I need my purse_

_Why do girls need their purse's to pee? I'm so glad I'm a boy I can just whip it out do my thing and shove it in.._

I laughed running my hands over his face knowing full well what Sam meant mouthing you okay? She nodded flushed herself.

_Momma's telling you right now boy you better not whip it out and shove it in to my gurl and go thank you ma'am good-by cause I will kick your ass and de man you so fast.._

_Sam!_

_Whoa chill babe I plan to be very respectful of baby girl here she's too precious to hurt and disrespectful._

He leaned in his fingers gently touched my lips before lightly kissing me. I giggled snuggling closer.

Sam came back looking exhausted flopping down on the blanket.

_You okay babe?_

_Yea just really tired _

_Peeing took that much out of you? Damn did you piss out the whole river?_

She chuckled softly rolling over to go to sleep.

_It's cute how you worry about her_

_Someone has to TJ she has no parents besides she's my best friend I love her I would be crushed if anything happened to her._

_Well I'm sure nothing will with us watching over her_

_You'll help me?_

_Of course if it helps you relax and keeps peace in your life_

He kissed me holding me in his lap my back towards him I felt his hands pressed to my stomach.

_So Carly .._

_Yea babe?_

I was laying on his side pressed against him I could feel his rib cage his arms around me he kissed my forehead. My bikini top was untied as his hands roomed freely over my back making me moan.

_Do You think I could see you dance at some point?_

I tensed at that question I was already having enough issues at dance I didn't think I could take him watching me while I rehearsed .

_I don't know our teachers are really strict about keeping rehearsals private competitions are really competitive so she doesn't want anything getting out there or us being distracted if she see's I have a BF she may flip on me._

_I don't want that to happen babe I won't add to your pressure sweetie_

_Thanks _

I sighed as I laid my head down on his chest closing my eyes so many thoughts went throughmy head I had 7 routines I had to learn for next weeks competition I had 4 essay's two class projects.

Right now though all I cared about was being here with TJ who was just so amazing.

_I think their going to start the fire works soon maybe we should wake Sam_

_She looks out like a light _

_Yea sure way to get her up.._

I picked up a drum stick and waved it under her nose she shot up hair a mess makeup smeared she looked around and snatched it from my hands. TJ laughed arching a eyebrow.

_Still hungry dang Sam you already ate 20 of them_

She looked embarrassed I rubbed her back

_He's pulling your leg babe it wasn't that bad at least your eating I'm glad for that _

_Sorry I was hungry their Delicious though in all seriousness _

_Thanks My Mom's secret recipe_

_She loves to cook and she loves to feed people_

_I think Your mom is a goddess and we need to meet_

_Haha sounds like a plan sometime soon_

_Awesome will there be more of this?_

_Yes I will tell her to make you your own bucket _

_Sweet he's a keeper Carl's_

_Oh I know_

I eyed him grinning as she polished off the stick and laid down satisfied.

_So Sam what do you say do I have your official word of trust?_

_Are you for real you want me to trust you with my best friend after only one date?_

_Sam.._

I laughed softly

_TJ ' s a good guy he won't hurt me _

_Carl's get real it's one date how well do you know the guy?_

_Well I know he's sweet he's close to his family and he's an amazing kisser_

_Yea so's my neighbors dog but you don't see me dating him_

_I'm being compared to a dog now? Wow I feel the love and here I thought the chicken bonded us Sam_

_Amazing chicken man that did things to me props for that boy but seriously she's my bff. I want to make absolutely sure you won't burn her before I leave you two alone. _

_Fine uh it's worse then having Spencer around_

_It's cute Carl's no worries_

_Why the trust issues Sam..who burned you_

She glared at him making me wonder she was even more paranoid then normal she stayed quiet for awhile.

When she finally talked she sighed

_Look you seem like a decent guy TJ and I mean no disrespect but I love Carly she's all I have and I can't risk losing anyone else.._

_Aw Sam I'm not going anywhere come here baby_

I sat up and went to hug her realizing only to late that my bikini top wasn't tied..Sam arched a eye brow as she helped me fix it my face was burning with color.

_Okay this is not what it looks like_

_Yea I'm sure will let this pass but um snap.._

She looked at him ..

_I wasn't talking about you Carl's_

_What do you mean?_

_Look where I come from ain't no one's man ever stick around long enough to get to know us_

_Just enough to get us pregnant and make our momma's miserable _

_Well I'm not like that Sam I promise_

_Sam you can't judge every guy you met by your dad's standards_

_It ain't just my dad Carl's every guy I know has done it_

_Well I guess I just have to prove to you I won't be like that.._

_It's a bet Sam _

_What we betting?_

_Trust _

_When I prove you wrong Sam you owe me a whole case of wings and your apology in a rap for all of Seattle to hear.. _

_Your on...it's a bet I will happily lose as long as my girl's happy_

_Aw I don't know if I should be touched or feel violated that this is being made about me_

_Live it up Carl's we only have one life to live _

_So how did you know I rap?_

_Cause I told him how amazing you are duh_

_Yea I wanna hear for myself drop aline Puckett_

Sam sighed I could see her running lines in her head as she looked at him.

_Somebody tell the press _

_Sam Puckett is back you thought she went away disappeared_

_Time Fooled You and I_

_People talking trash and spreading lies_

_Who to believe he opens his mouth and you think he speaks the gospel truth but he just says what _

_Works for him and who gives a F..k what happens to the ones left behind_

_He just deaded me left me with a number on my back _

_I'm sorry he hurt you I wish I could make it up to you_

_I'm here Forever and Ever I want to be the one you turn to_

_But I can see with my own eyes that you have other sights_

_Will you hold it against me if I say what is on my mind?_

_He thinks he's cute with his Gucci shoes he thinks he's the next Wayne he challenging me_

_He says he wants to hear my sick beats what he don't know is that lil ol me I have my own flow with my own time.._

_He says he gonna treat you right he thinks he's being sly calling _

_You baby girl but he don't know _

_I'm sticking to him like taffy in the bright sun _

_Guys like him come from every corner they easy to spot as soon _

_As they get what they want they out this ain't how it's gonna go down this time right?_

_All I know is he better be true to his word treat you right or he answers to me and I don't back down _

_I stand tall I fight for what my heart needs and _

_I need you to know you will always be the one for me.._

_So watch your back TJ cause I will be right around the corner if u step off_

_I step on and you don't want to mess with me.._

_Oh TJ I think she just schooled you _

_Yea I'm feeling the burn nice Puckett Nice.._

_Thank You.._

_I'm out enjoy your time lovebirds_

_Behave_

_Yea you too Puckett no illegal stuff _

She grinned as she ran off.

His arms made me feel safe as we laid there watching the day slowly fade away and the stars came out.

I could feel my eyelids starting to shut as we lay in silence his arms holding me as the cool wind chilled me.

_Cold baby girl?_

_Yea just a bit_

_Let me warm you up babe_

He pulled me onto his stomach I could feel how powerful his biceps were the little hairs on his legs tickled my bare skin making me giggle.

_Your cute when you laugh _

_Aw thanks _

I kissed him long and fully on the mouth

_Get a room love birds_

_Shut up Sam I thought you were leaving?_

_Yea well the cops are evil eying me_

_Your paranoid_

_I am not!_

_Jealous to .._

_So not jealous_

_Aw don't lie Sam it's not nice _

_Bite me Romeo_

_Ouch don't be sad I think I have a friend I can fix you up with_

_Really is he cute? _

_Well I mean I'm a guy so it would be hard for me to say _

I laughed reaching up to move some hair away from his eyes

_Let me see I'll judge_

_Hey why do you get first dips?_

_Cause he's my boy friend _

_You suck_

_No I'm a good girl I don't do that_

_Aw that's my girl _

TJ kissed my lips making me blush.

I watched while he reached in his pockets checking him out his strong legs his hips his flat but firm stomach which I loved to run my hands over feeling intense pleasure in knowing I was making him shiver.

My hand slide down further .

_Oh frisky girl I love it_

I pulled back suddenly feeling shy he kissed my check.

_I didn't say stop_

_I know but I didn't say I was going to go further_

_Tease_

_Yea and you love it_

_Yes _

More kisses as we wrapped our arms around each other. I heard Sam groan I felt her get up but I didn't turn around I only crawled further on top of TJ. I could feel his whole body pressed against mine the chills went away replaced by a warm glow which turned into a inferno of hormones.

_You like babe? _

I was breathless as we came apart

_Don't let go _

_I won't baby girl god your beautiful _

_Aw your too sweet was..I..uh.._

I picked nervously at his chest hairs..

_Yes baby girl ?_

_I was okay right?_

His eyes held such emotions in them.

_Okay?_

I got worried feeling tears prickle.

_Aw don't cry Carly Shay _

He picked my chin up

_Yes TJ?_

_You were more then okay baby girl with you it's like.._

_Fire works!_

A little kid came running up screaming as the sky was suddenly filled with loud explosions of color.

_Exactly my words babe_

He leaned over his lips connected with mine slowly sucking on mine.

_So pretty _

_Not as pretty as you Carly_

_Aw stop your giving me a complex _

_No worries your too sweet to have a swelled head_

_Let go of me !_

_Get off of me you psychotic freak!_

I picked up my head to see Sam dragging Freddie over her shoulders , She slammed him down.

_Perv why don't you explain how I found you?_

He looked at her like are you serious?

_Tell them how I found you in a tree with binoculars starting at them as they made out you sick perverted nub _

_Sam your a freaking nutcase get off of me_

_Apologize you sick freak _

_No at least I care about Carly _

_And I don't?_

_No your only there for your own self-fish needs _

I put my head between my hands wondering why he had a big wet spot in his pants.

_You use Carly for a get out of jail free card your a self-fish manipulator lying slut who uses people to forget, you expect people to feel sorry for you and then you spit them out but Carly keeps you around she feels sorry for you she just can't face the fact that in the end you'll just hurt her like you do everyone else cause that's what people like you do. Use abuse and throw away._

_Freddie!_

I was agitated Sam was shaking so bad her face was so red that I was scared her blood pressure was at the top of the charts. 

_Sam calm down baby your going to give yourself a heart attack Freddie apologize.._

_No I hope she does have a heart attack the world will be better off without trash like her but it won't happen cause she doesn't have a heart.._

_Sam..D..o..n..'..t_

Too late she punched Freddie right in his nose , then she lunged she was on him swinging in seconds. Blood was pouring out of his nose and mouth his face was scratched he held his hands up to his face to protect himself.

_Sam Stop!_

I grabbed her but she was too strong this time she was fired up I started to gasp for air TJ grabbed her pulling her off. Freddie looked up ..

_Your a bitch Sam a straight up bitch _

_Your a pathetic loser a perverted delusional loser_

_She'll never love you Freddie ever so don't talk trash on me cause at least I know who I am and where I come from your still stuck in your dreams which is all their ever be.._

TJ pulled Sam away

_Go away Freddie your upsetting the girls_

_Who are you to tell me what to do I've known these girls half my life.._

_I'm Carly's boyfriend _

_She's upset which makes me upset so you need to leave_

_I'll kill you Benson let me go TJ_

_I swear you better run nub _

_Sam stop it the cops are looking this way_

_Lets go Carly grab the stuff _

_Huh where?_

He picked Sam up she squealed as he threw her over his shoulders I was impressed I glared at Freddie.

_You know I almost felt sorry for you Freddie I was ready to make up with you but you just keep screwing up .._

_I know what today means to you I was ready to forgive you and ask you to be friends again I was going to reach out.._

_Damn Freddie you just couldn't give us a day could you?_

_One fucking day of privacy that's all I wanted you had to start chiz and ruin my date.._

_Carly I'm sorry .._

_Save it Freddie Sam's right your pathetic.._

_Were done... _


	34. Chapter 34 Autumn GoodBye

**Autumn Good-Bye**

**Freddie's p o v**

_Good-Bye Freddie_

Carly was pissed as she turned around I mean beyond anything I had ever seen. She never cursed but I saw it in her eyes she was sick of the fighting sick of us trying to kill each other . She was sick of seeing Sam get hurt.

Sam why was it always her?

When would she care about me and how I hurt?

She says she did but her actions proved other wise she was always so quick to defend Sambut she never took my side into consideration. Today of all days.

Slowly I watched her turn away I felt my heart breaking it felt like I was seven all over again.

Carly has been my whole world for years she's been my reason to wake up in the mornings thinking of her smile and her sweet laugh always gave me purpose for putting one foot in front of the other. In my head she was it for me. I saw us as a couple living happily ever after. Between her and my parents I made them the reasons to study so hard to do so well in school so I could get the best grades and get into the top collages.

Sighing I walked away going to the lake watching the fireworks in the sky kids sat on the pier with sparklers.

_Look at the pretty colors Jason_

_Yea yea Madison I just love the sounds boom boom boom! Just like gun fire so awesome!_

I watched the two kids next to me they looked so much alike they had to be brother and sister.

_I want to be a solider when I grow up so I can fight and blow people up!_

_I want to be a princess _

_Yuck your such a girl _

_No kidding I am a girl!_

I could tell I wasn't going to find a solution to my problems tonight but I could get some work done. Opening a note book I turned to my first clean page . As much as I loved computers and technology I still find simple pleasure in a good notebook and pens. I sat back against a log ..the fire works gave me enough light.

At first I listened to the kids argue I thought back to that day. It would be the perfect tittle for my Essay ..A Moment In Time: When Time Stood Still.

Time is a funny thing .. As humans were trained to think we have it all. That we can control how life plans out and what it hands us. In reality we can't cause I believe life is predetermined before were even born. I'm not sure if I believe in god per say not saying I don't either I just think there's a greater power out there then us.

Time has a way of sneaking up on you seasons change people change time has a lot to do with that. I mean none of us remain exactly as we were 10 years ago nor will we be the same as we are now in another 10 years. Well that's what my dad always taught me anyway.

He had this thing that he made us do every change of the season from Spring, Summer, Autumn ,Winter he made us write what we went through each season what we learned from it what we could learn and what we could do to make better choices .

Looking back at his philosophy maybe I could solve some of my issues after all. I had forgotten a lot of lessons he taught me over the years it's been so long but not so long I've forgotten him or his voice.

What could I change? Maybe I could start to reexamine my visions start to listen to what

Carly was saying to me all along. She was telling me loud and clear she wasn't into me maybe it was time I chased another dream.

I glanced over at they had moved away they were sitting up watching the fireworks he had Carly tucked in between his legs arms wrapped over her chest her head on his chest . Sam's head lay in Carly's lap she looked happy she kept smiling at him as he laughed and twirled her hair.

Maybe this is what my Dad meant when he said " Someday You'll grow up to be a young man Freddie part of that is listening to what others say not only with their words but actions to" it's about putting others first.

I never got it back then but now I think I am starting to see what he means.

Just like the change of seasons..Time was making me grow up..I hope it made my dad proud..that's all I ever wanted was to make my parents proud it's why I worked so hard in school ever since I was a kid my parents believed in education, they pushed me since I was old enough to speak.

The colors blended together up in the sky they started out brilliantly then slowly withered away till all they became were just particles in the sky.

Season's Come Season's go all right dad. This season was full of hopes crushed dreams shattered lies unearthed betrayals discovered bitter disappointment. Next season is yet to be told but I have hope promises for untold futures.

This was my Autumn Good-Bye.

When we were young Carly and I made promises to each other . I promised her to always love and protect her . Well I failed cause part of that is learning that there are all kinds of love not just one all powering love. Loving someone means letting go and trusting that if they feel the same their come back. She promised to always be there for me.

Well I blew my promises so I guess hers became invalided just like that song what was the name of it? Who sung it? A soft wind seemed to blow by as I tried to think about it.

_[CHORUS:]  
>I never promised you a happy ending<br>You never said you wouldn't make me cry  
>But summer love will keep us warm long after<br>Our autumn goodbye, autumn goodbye_

_Autumn goodbye_

_Thinkin' of you and the love of our lives  
>In the sweet summertime<br>So sad but true (so true, so true)  
>We must leave it behind<br>In our hearts, in our minds_

_From April through September  
>Bittersweet was the love that we share<br>Don't forget  
>I remember<em>

_Memories can fade  
>But my heart has a place for the smile on your face<br>And maybe someday  
>We can be more than friends<br>Love will find us again _

_Red leaves and blue tomorrows  
>Time will give back the love that we shared<br>on the time that we borrowed_

_[Repeat CHORUS (2 times)]_

_From April through September  
>bittersweet was the love that we share<br>don't forget  
>I remember baby<em>

_We'll leave behind the summertime  
>Our hearts, our minds<br>They will remind  
>We won't forget<br>The day we met  
>The day we cried<br>Autumn Goodbye_

_I never promised you a happy ending  
>You never said you wouldn't make me cry<br>But summer love will keep us warm long after  
>Our autumn goodbye, autumn goodbye<br>Autumn goodbye _

I Looked at everything around me as a new project that I needed to start to work on as soon as I could.

Ten years is a long time . A lot can happen in that time people come and go into our lives sometimes good sometimes not so good. Ten years ago on this day my life was shattered my heart broken ..ten years ago I first laid eyes on Carly Shay ..Ten years .. Wow dad can you believe it's been that long already?

I remember that day ..I remember the smile on your face as you walked out that door. How you kissed Connie how we were all running around as kids always do on the first day of school.

They were good memories a perfect start for my Essay. I dedicate it to you dad.. I love you where ever you are..I hope your safe I hope I make you proud ..Dad.


	35. Chapter 35  A Moment In Time When Time

**A Moment In Time:When Time Stood Still**

**An Essay By Fredward Benson**

**12th Grade CP English **

**Mrs. ButtBurn**

They Say there's a moment in everyone's life that defines you that makes you who you are that one moment that stands out above all the rest of the moments in your life. Some call it the challenge if you can make it through you can mange through everything.

For me I can remember every moment of that day . Like many Americans I know exactly where I was and what I was doing on that day the twin towers fell.

It was your typical September Day well almost that year we had a heat wave and people were loving the fact you could wear shorts.

I wasn't one of those people however I was always too skinny and scrawny for shorts they made me look like a chicken.

That morning was just like every other for me I was in my bedroom music jamming as I was trying on every outfit I owned it was 6:02 am and I was not in the mood to be up for school.

Nothing seemed to fit or look right finally I settled on a pair of blue jeans a buttoned down short sleeve blue and orange flannel shirt. I was starting to part my hair.

_No matter what you do Freddie your still a dork_

_And your still short Bray _

He stuck out his tongue I grinned, Brayden was my five year old brother well half brother he's the cutest kid you could meet. He has big green eyes and floppy brown hair with dimples when he was 3 he was diagnosed with cancer of the bones he had to have his left leg amputated he wears a brace on his right to help him with balance and growth. Yet he's the happiest kid always smiling and joking despite the chemo making him sick and stunting his growth he never lets anything get him down. I've been helping my step-mom Connie take care of him since he was born so were close.

We share a room which is pretty modest size over looking the Hudson River we were on the 23rd floor. I could see almost all the city from our room. The streets were already packed with cars trucks and buses all trying to race to where they were going honking the drives yelling. The buildings were already gleaming from the rising sun. Bray groaned he hated getting up this early.

_Too much sun too early too bright_

_Remember what dad always said _

" _Yea I know the early bird gets the worm"_

Bray and I were joined by our older brothers Jayden , Marcus, Scott who were Eleven years old we called them Triple Terrors or 3T's . I stood in front of Bray to protect him which did little good since all 3 surrounded us stating to grab us calling us names.

_Boys quiet you better be ready for school we leave in 15 minutes!_

No one answered her Jay and Scott had me pinned under with my arms held above rubbing gunk in my face and on my shirt as Mark farted in my face. I gagged as I coughed yelling trying to kick him they laughed Scott pulled my pants up giving me a wedgie..

_Let me go your disgusting! _

_Your a nub face which is worse then disgusting _

_Let go of him!_

_Shut up brace for brains_

_Boys enough! Get off of your brother!_

Connie came running in grabbing T3's but not before Scott left a fart . I groaned as she hit the back of their heads.

_Get ready for school you two need to catch the bus in 10 minutes _

_Freddie go change those clothes are shot now, Bray shower now! Gross boys your father will be hearing of this._

_It's not our fault mom Freddie's a nub heck his own mother didn't want him cause he's such a nub._

_Jaydan enough! shut your mouth about your brother and get ready for school now!_

_Whatever_

I sighed as I went to change finally 10 minutes later I was in a pair of black baggy jeans and a stripped orange and green collared shirt freshly showered .

_Freddie pick what you want to eat and hurry _

_Connie have you seen my tie with the pink stripes?_

_Pink dad what are you a frigging cross dresser?_

_Mark be nice that's rude and judgmental and homophobic _

_Sounds like Mark to a t_

_Shut it nub wad_

_Bite me gassy_

_Don't even Mark.. _

Connie warned

_Boys enough give your mother a break_

_Yea our mother Fredfail_

_Jay stop teasing your brother _

_What it's not our fault his mommy didn't want him_

_Stop lying to your brother his Mom loves him she's just busy _

_Yea busy screwing every guy _

_Shut it Jerk face_

_Your grounded Jaydan that's final_

_What!_

_I said your grounded two weeks!_

_No phone ,no TV no computer unless it's for school I want a list of your assignments signed by your teachers no hanging out with friends no skating, no boarding, no movies nothing just straight home do your chores and your homework ._

_You will help watch your sisters and brother anything I need around the house you will do when I ask and not hours later. _

_What why that's messed up!_

_Like your face_

He body slammed me into the wall I groaned feeling sick as my head pounded. Did I mention he was a wrestler and a football player?

_Both of you enough!_

_Freddie your grounded two days_

_Yes Connie_

_Yes Connie your such a suck up dork you wait_

_Oh my god your giving me a headache _

_Kids enough lay off already your mom has enough stress to deal with between classes lecturers meetings and raising you she doesn't need this fighting none of us do ._

My dad came over and massaged her shoulders she leaned back and kissed him ..

_Ew _

All of us kids cried out gagging both of them laughed .

_Someday Connie they will all grow up and fall in love and their be kissing just like this.._

He dipped her she laughed as she grabbed on to his neck so she wouldn't slip he held her strong as she kissed him fully. I shuddered as far as I was concerned girls were yucky. I could never see myself doing that.

_I can't wait to see this I will remind you all of what you said.._

_I'm glad I got this on video blackmail for you kids_

_Dad!_

_Freddie..._

He mocked me I rolled my eyes

_Girls are so ew_

_So's kissing man gross_

Scott gagged Dad came over and ruffled our hair..

_Someday boys.._

_Dang dad I just dried my hair do ya have to mess it up_

_Oh Freddie dear you are a trip _

_Love to trip him..hit him..punch him_

_Mark.._

Dad warned him he grunted

_Boys you need to move now Freddie go get your sisters now_

By the time we had gotten everyone together it was almost 7 it took another 10 minutes to get to the lobby.

_Be careful kids I love you_

_Aw mom don't be so mom like .._

The 3t's pushed her away as dad was on his cell talking to his partners I was playing with my d.s Connie tried to hug the 3T's anyway as they made faces, She laughed.

_My boys are growing up so fast _

_Yea hun they are all my sons are..._

_I think we need a father son bonding time Yankee stadium this weekend boys what do ya say?_

_Awesome!_

_Yea fro sure!_

_Heck yea man!_

_Sounds cool dad! _The 3T's high-fived as I went back to my game

_You kids and your games_

_Have a good day Leo _

Dad kissed her one last time as he answered his cell and went out waving. I glanced up for a second to see him in his suit with his brief case as he chatted on his cell. Then I went back to my game.

_You to Connie ,kids_

As he left my sisters turned to wave but he didn't turn around typical dad always on his cell he cared more about business then us.

He must of stopped suddenly I heard Charlie squeal as his booming voice called out.

_See you at 8:30 Charlie girl breakfast at the Windows on the World .._

_Can't wait daddy your coming Freddie right_

She nudged me I gasped as she made me die in the game just as I was about to unlock a new level which I had been trying to get for 3 weeks.

_Dang it Charlie watch what your doing!_

_Freddie don't sass your sister like that!_

_She made me die!_

_It's a game you can redo it later_

_Please Freddie don't make me go alone you know dad just loves to rag on me please come don't leave me out to hang._

I sighed looking at her who could resist my sister's big brown puppy dog eyes.

_Okay I'll be there 8:30_

_Yay!_

She jumped up and wrapped her arms around me squealing as we spilled out on to the streets of a busy Manhattan morning. Sidewalks already jammed with people young and old and in between dogs cats venders. I laughed brushing her off.

_Gross don't hang on me your a girl ew.._

_I'm your sister Fredifer_

_Double Ew and don't call me Fredifer _

_Don't call me gross_

_Kids _

Connie sighed rubbing her head,

_Sorry _

She ushered Mark Scott and Jay to their city bus they attend PS 87 on the upper west side. As they left they made faces I rolled my eyes sighing wondering why I had to have idiots for brothers? Why was my life so difficult? Charlie hugged Connie as I was trying to regain my level ..

_Bye Freddie_

_Whatever loser go look ugly or whatever it is that you dumb models do.._

_Your insane Freddie _

_So are you _

_Charlie your going to be late meeting your agent you need to hurry along_

_Freddie_

_What!_

I snapped at her looking up Charlie stood there at me her eyes flickered for a second I thought I saw a glimmer of hurt pass over her eyes but she smiled, so I must have been wrong.

_Never mind just see ya at 8:30 don't forget_

_I said I'll be there didn't I so I will geez you girls are always so pushy_

_Freddie calm down treat her with respect _

_Whatever can we go now please?_

Charlie sighed and turned to walk towards her bus stop.

For most people it's pretty hard to tell that Charlie and I are even related never mind twins. Yest we are only two minutes apart I'm the older one. We don't look anything alike I'm your average 7 a half year old kid short legs chubby face with glasses. I was skinny from the stomach down like a stick figure but I was pale and had a set of unruly brown hair which curled when it was wet everyone said I looked like that buckwheat kid which earned me the ever awesome nickname " Bucky Benson". I just love my peers..not..I'm into everything technical I love computers and I love to read play with electronics. I hate sports I would much rather practice my cello or violin or read the whole dictionary then be active.

Charlie well while I got the brains she got it all brains and beauty her name is Charlotte Marissa Benson she prefers Charlie or Char everyone thinks she's like 12 or 11 cause she's already over 5 feet and started to develop early. Her main goal in life is to be famous she wants to cover every genre in the business. She's been in every class you can think of for modeling/ dance/ acting/ vocal / stage since we were like a year and a half. She has this long silky dark brown almost black hair that goes to her lower back big brown eyes which look almost green if the light hits it right. Her skin is bronzed from hours of tanning. She wears heals and makeup she's had a agent since she was 3 she's been in over a 100 commercials done 6 major Broadway plays and she just landed a part in a new TV Drama which is why she was on her way to meet her agent.

All my classmates think she's the it girl the one they want to be or the one they want to date. It's even worse now cause her latest commercial is for back to school supplies and it's airing all over the country

I wondered for the hundred time how were we even related? I wonder about most of my family at times. Connie and I took our youngest 10 month old Yolanda to daycare as we headed to our school.

Connie works at the Lucy Moses School and the Special Music School (P.S. 859). which is where Bray and I attend classes. He's in kindergarten and I'm now in second grade today is the first day I was so excited.

There's a energy to this city that I just love it wakes me up and makes me feel alive like I can do anything and nothing can stop me. I love the hustle and bustle of everyday life here. I love the feel of racing to your next detestation. The city is so glamorous and has so much rich history I love to walk along the streets and take it all in every corner has a different story to tell one corner you could hear Spanish flowing and one you could hear Jamaican..one you could hear Gaelic one you could hear Swedish.

Kids were all over the place as we entered through the huge glass doors some kids were lost so Connie and I took time to help them and their parents to find registration and classrooms. One kid who was lost turned out to be one of her new kids for her class his name was Jacob Franz so we took him under our wings as we went to our class room. I helped Connie set up her room as we waited for the kids to arrive.

Each class holds about 10 to 15 kids Connie thanked me as I took a seat she was already sweating and having a hot flash and it wasn't even 1st period.

_Damn pregnancy hormones _

She laughed did I mention she's 7 months along and has been having issues through the whole pregnancy she was suppose to be on bed rest but she would never give up teaching she loves it too much.

_Bucky Benson at it again suck that bottle mamma's boy_

I glared at Reggie to see Connie already staring at us.. I slumped into my seat please let this be a good year. The windows were still open to let in air and the music from passing cars made me relax so many different beats from the millions of cars horns blasted you could hear people shouting even above the noise in the class room.

I loved going here it gave me a sense of freedom I could dress the way I wanted not in a uniform or what my mom made me wear. I could experiment with my style which I loved to change up. Like my jeans today with my side ways Yankee's baseball cap.

The bell rang and she started roll call I looked around to see some kids I knew from last year.

Maggie Brightener 7

Drew Briber 8

Sammy Wright 7

Dru Jackson 7

Reggie Walters 7 yuck he could go some where

Then there were kids I didn't know Connie called roll call I paid close attention as she called the names my eyes followed to each of the kids.

Justin Snyder 7

Paula Cromwell 7

Danni McDonald 7

Chloe Smith 6

Kim Onikina 6

Sue Rodriquez 7

Jacob and I were the last Connie paired us up into partners as soon as 1st period started.

We spent the entire period working on the basics of how to learn music notes and how to write a score.

Next period was independent study kids broke up to go to different music rooms to rehearse I helped Connie clean up.

_Freddie you know you should start heading down Charlie's going to be waiting for you _

_Yea Yea do I have to go?_

_Freddie_

_What Connie you don't know what it's like to have to sit there and listen to her brag about her latest success. All the while pointing out what a loser I am._

_She wouldn't do that to you Freddie she loves you and she's just happy so she's sharing her success with her twin the person closest to her._

She ruffled my hair

_Let her wait I've been waiting my whole life to be noticed_

_Freddie is this about your dad and what your brothers said?_

_You mean the spawns? They were only speaking the truth_

_No they weren't Freddie your dad loves you he tried to show it to you_

_Yea sure he does_

_Freddie it's hard for your dad to express how he feels he's a man and sometimes man have issues with sharing their inner feelings. It was a bad time when you and Charlie were born and sometimes the problems that grownups have with each other unfortunately are taken out on the kids and that's not fair for you and Charlie._

_Your dad works hard to provide a great life for us please don't be too hard on him you have no idea what it's been like for him._

I sighed feeling just the tiniest bit bad I mean I loved my dad so I didn't want to sound ungrateful for everything he did for me.

Still she didn't quite get what I was saying.

_Dad loves us sure he has to were his kids_

_Freddie there are plenty of people out there who have kids who have kids who don't love their kids your dad loves you or he wouldn't of fought for custody so hard if he didn't love you he could of left you in Seattle with your mom while she struggled through Med School raising two kids alone with no support._

_I know that and I'm grateful for that trust me I just..never mind.._

_Freddie I think we need to talk tonight just you and I sound okay?_

I nodded smiling I would I loved spending time with Connie she was the coolest step-mom all my friends envied me. Who wouldn't want her as a step-mom?

Giselle Hayden Consuelo-Benson is 33 she's from Argentina originally. She's breath taking she stands tall at 5'9 even now pregnant she only weighs 120 she has long legs and she tans all the time. She has crystal blue eyes and straight shiny black hair. She's been a model since she was 12 dad fell in love with her the minute he saw her while she was living in England.

Connie's super nice and smart she always helps me with my homework and takes time to talk to me she's an amazing cooker and baker.

My dad grew up in the Bronx with his parents My grandparents his Mom Nicole Cashmere O'Donnell And Dad Brayden Sean Benson. Plus his 4 brothers and two sisters..he played baseball up till he was 17 he was aiming to be professional before he was benched with a broken shoulder and arm his elbow never healed properly and he was forced to find another option. He went to college and went into business two years into it he was recruited into the Army. He went into basic training and worked his way up he got involved in music and taught himself how to play the Piano.

Over the years he traveled all over the world when he was 30 in 1988 he was stationed in England where he was hired to guard a photo shoot which is where he met Connie who was one of the models.

They started talking a bit and figured out they were both from NYC he made her laugh she made him forget who he was her beauty transfixed him. He was 10 years older but he felt she was the one for him.

He asked her out she rejected him flat out saying her career was the only thing that mattered to her she actually rejected him in 5 languages. He didn't quit though he chased her harder he wrote letters found out her E-Mail and wrote her that way. He found out where she was living and moved to that country and followed her he serenaded her outside her house. She was scared at first and even tried to get him arrested but he didn't stop he bought her favorite flowers wrote her love poems.

Finally she agreed to go out on a date with him he took her to a quiet beach side restaurant they walked along the beach and watched the sunset. He told her jokes she danced in the moon light .. she agreed to more dates.

In 1990 they had Mark Scott and Jaydan while living in Scotland they moved back to NYC in the late part of 1990 she was dancing on Broadway and he was shipped to the Persian gulf. She was raising the boys while dancing and rehearsing all day and night.

After the war Dad took on the job as Army Recruiter which meant traveling all over the country. In May 1993 he asked Connie to marry him she said yes.

Then In June of 1993 dad was shipped to Seattle to guard some recruits while he was there he met a nursing student who was working part time as a bartender named Marissa he went there every night since it was across from his hotel he liked to watch the girls dance and drink a little to loose the tension he was fighting with Connie since they spent so much time apart and she was raising the boys on her own for the most part.

One night he got a little too drunk and started flashing his money Marissa was afraid he would get robbed too drunk to defend himself. So she helped him back to his hotel she was 22 he was 34 he started kissing her and she thought he was cute and she wanted to let loose her friends had been saying she needed to so she did.

Nine months later enter Myself and Charlie.. Dad and Connie had a huge fight and she broke up with him he asked Marissa to marry him they wed in November we were born in Feb.

The marriage only lasted a year between the stress of nursing school his job and him supporting his boys. Marissa worked long hours from 10pm-5am then had to study and go to classes Monday-Friday form 7am to 8pm as the years went on she started working at the hospitals and the stress got to them.

They divorced after two years and my dad took her to court for custody she was too stressed she couldn't care for us and go to school or work she had no one to help her and she couldn't afford daycare. Dad had money his own career Connie was willing to help she was a model and making it as a dancer in NYC. She had gone to college and got her teaching degree to teach dance, music.

Dad won hands down so Charlie and I went to live with them in NYC we visit mom every summer for two weeks. It's so different there she's a germ freak and makes us dress properly and dorky. Dad's laid back and lets us experiment.

In 1996 Bray was born last year when she had Yolanda she decided to fall back on teaching she felt she was getting too old to do auditions and be apart of the rat race. She got a job here at the Lucy Moses School. I started first grade here with Charlie now she's off doing what she loves what we both want to do.

I always dreamed big Connie taught me very early on that if you can dream it you can achieve it she encouraged us to follow our hearts.

It wasn't that I resented Charlie or anything I just found it a bitter pill to swallow that she had gotten so successful at such a early age. Dad always praised her and called her his angel and his little star sure she was his first born daughter but still we were born the same day only minutes apart and sometimes I felt like she was the only one who he cared about we could both achieve awesome things on the same day and yet she was always the one he praised.

Sighing I tried to push it out of my mind as I walked down the streets of New york it only took me 7 blocks to get to where I was going but I took my time let her wait I waited for so much on so many different times thanks to her. Besides I loved walking the streets of this city which was always so full of energy venders yelling out their merchandise giant billboards flashing people rushing here and there cars buses trucks honking speeding by music blaring from shops, it was a inspiration it just called for a beat . Street performers doing their thing dancers, singers playing the guitar. It was just another day kids who weren't old enough to go to school were in the ball court playing hop scotch double dutch or ball . Kids old enough to be in school who chose to skip hung out on corners. I hurried a bit past them they kind of scared me.

Finally I got to the North Tower 1WT as we call it . Which was just packed full of people rushing here and there on many talking on cells shouting to people ahead of them. Some looked lost I squeezed past them all easy since I was so short. I couldn't wait for the day I shot up and got tall like my dad and Charlie it had to happen one day right?

_Hey Freddie_

_Hey Mr. Friedman how's it going?_

_Pretty good kid how bout you? School okay?_

_Yea it's passable the whole 20 minutes I had so far _

He gave a chuckle as he ushered me in Brian Friedman who was 56 was one of the doorman here he's known me forever. I waved to him as I went inside where Clarissa Revere 67 was singing people in at the front desk.

_Well I see you took your time young Freddie_

_Yea ya know how I love the city _

_Yes I do I'm sure it had nothing to do with keeping your sister waiting or your dad right?_

I felt myself blush a little she couldn't read my mind right? No way I just shrugged grinning.

_Nah Mrs. Revere you know me would I ever do that?_

_No of course not Freddie I know Connie and Leo raised you better_

_Who could ever stand Charlie up either she's just the sweetest little thing such a darling that one has quiet the future ahead of her so talented..you better run a long now.._

_Yea we wouldn't want to keep the princess waiting would we_

I muttered

_What did you say son? My hearing isn't so good now a days damn age.._

She laughed ruffling my hair as I turned around glancing at the clock 8:45 3 more seconds till it was 8:46 15 minutes late not bad that should give her enough time to get the hint right? I remembered my manners and turned to Mrs. Revere before shooting towards the packed elevators.

_Thanks Ma'am have a great day_

_Aw you to Fre..._

The earth suddenly shock violently I grabbed onto a railing as I tried to steady myself what the heck did we just have a earthquake? People stopped what they were doing as they all looked up questionably

What had just happened? Was anyone hurt? Someone screamed ..

_Oh my god a plane just hit the tower everyone get out!_

It was like a dream expect it wasn't you know. I remember wanting to run but my legs wouldn't work my brain was screaming run you idiot run! But my heart was saying no you have to help them their trapped. Before I could move either way someone grabbed me and pulled me outside.

There was smoke lots of it thick black death chocking smoke that just filled the whole air people were screaming and crying lots of people were running and pushing to get out of the way. Some just stood there in a state of shock. I was one of them...I stood there staring at the building my dad has called his office for so long ..

WT1 stood a sprawling 110 stories tall, 1,368 feet my dad worked on the 110 floor for Channel 2 (WCBS) he was a corespondent for them on all things military related he often worked with reporters to help them get access to restricted areas and inside information.

Now instead of the gleam of the shiny glass reflecting off the hot sun the sky was filled with smoke and flames. To my horror I saw what I had heard with my own ears but my heart refused to believe. My eyes didn't lie though right inside the 92and floor was a gleaming now engulfed Boeing 767-223ER which brought mass destruction to the now collapsing building . Fire trucks police ambulance sirens filled the air as everyone was screaming and running I stood stood watching as the tower went down. My stomach felt sick as my heart raced Charlie, Dad where were they did they escape?

Screams from inside could be heard as I looked up to see people jumping from windows..Charlie was scared of heights she wouldn't jump she would stay and if she stayed she would burn to death. I had to get to her no one was paying attention to me so I pushed myself forward and ran back inside. The place was nothing but smoke and fallen metal. I couldn't see I couldn't breath but I had to get there I had to save Charlie she was my sister she needed me. Voices called out for help screaming for someone to save them they were trapped was one of them her? I strained to hear but I couldn't make out one from the other the hum of fallen metal and glass of the burning jet filled my ears. It burned and chocked me.

I felt a hand grab me as I tried to get away ..I fell ..

_Please help me I can't die I don't want to die!_

The voice was filled with terror and pain I couldn't walk away could I ? Yet Charlie my dad where were they?

I made a split second decision I grabbed the hand and pulled them up my legs were aching and burning as I lifted the person up carrying them outside with no visibility just relaying on pure knowledge of the layout of the building.

I got outside and collapsed on the hot cement I didn't look back as I ran back in my lungs burning my head hurting all I could think about was my sister and my father. Were they hurt? How bad? Did they get out someone how?

I had no idea how to even get up the elevators were down the stairs were engulfed in flames.

I tripped on something as I tried to climb through the fire and the fallen debris I was gasping for air as I tried to fight my way through the building my hands were burned as I grabbed things throwing them out of the way. The impact of something hitting me blinded me with pain as my neck burned and everything went black expect the feel of two strong hands lifting me up. A rush of air and pain seized me my eyes looked up fuzzy but I was sure it was my dad as blackness covered me like night covers the sun.

Everything burned as I opened my eyes ..

_Freddie listen to me you have to stay here son you have to be a good boy I need to go help others I have to find your sister don't move listen to the police men okay I love you son I'll see you tonight._

_Take care of my son officer_

_D..a..d...N.._

My mouth refused to open anymore refused to say the words racing through my head as I saw the last image of my dad racing into the burning building my eyes burned as my head felt fuzzy. Screams filled the air as I saw a plane heading straight for us. I tried to call out I tried to stop my dad from going in but my voice failed as a plane flew directly into the south tower. It was 9:03 am ...I saw my watch before pain caused me to forget everything.

That day everything changed for me I was rushed to a hospital with a broken leg burns over 30 % of my body a broken shoulder..and a broken heart ...Connie's mom sat with me and my brothers as we watched the news covering the attacks waiting for news of our own, Connie had stayed inside the school till all the kids were evacuated. The stress caused her to go into premature labor she was in recovery now with our new sister...

Looking back on that day most people live in facts and third party accounts...I don't have to I remember what it was like to feel the fire as it burned away a part of history as it ate up lives. I remember the fear of seeing the planes hit. There are many things you can say about the attacks, I have heard them all the most popular . We've been called "The Children of 9/11," youngsters who waited in vain for a parent to come home 10-years ago,or who never knew their lost parent at all.

If you want to look at facts take this into account..

I Freddie Benson am just one out of 3,000 children under 18 who lost a parent or parents on Tuesday September 11th 2001. My sister Grace Leona Benson is just one out of 108 children born after 9/11.

We are many things we are strong we are tough we are fragile we hurt we cry we hope we heal we love but most important we survive. You can call us what you want you can say we are the pride of the nation sure but maybe instead you should say we are proud of our nation we didn't ask to be given this role but we are stuck with it so we wear our American flag with honor we remember cause if we forget we are in fact forgetting our family our history. We don't have to turn on the TV to see these imagines to remember cause we were there. We remember...

I sit here and stare out at the water I look at the stars and I recall my dad's last words "_I love you son __I'll see you tonight." _

Expect he didn't see me that night or any night after that ...I choke on the memories I wish he could be here now my life was so confusing. I have so many questions I needed answers for ..I just wanted the chance to make him proud.

How has my life changed? In so many ways I can't even say...the most noticeable?

I went from having a family of 6 bothers and sisters a step-mom and a dad in a multi-unit condo to having just a mom in a small two bedroom apartment. I went from having nights of free style music jams and improv acting sessions and daily fights followed by laughter with my family to having daily tick baths and antibacterial lecturers. I went from being confident to being scared and unsure of anything I don't trust like I use to and it makes me mad.

I had to rearrange my whole life my mom who was barely in my life before 911came to NYC and fought the one person I always depended on the one person who I loved like a mom for sole custody and she won why cause she was my birth mom and my dad wasn't there to fight her.

She ripped me from my home my school my friends and family and moved me to Seattle it was lonely and sad without Charlie my mom was like a stranger to me she worked long hours so I was left with a babysitter something I was not use to since Connie was always with us. I spent hours studying not wanting to talk I was sick of people pitying me making fun of me so I kept to myself. Over time I adjusted I had to I started seeing possibility in making a life out here. I missed my dad and Charlie it hurt we never got a proper burial for my sister her body was never found. My dad was pulled out 5 days later. He died rushing in to save others.

Mom never talks about it she shuts off so I'm left to deal with this on my own and it's a heavy burden. My main fear is forgetting ..forgetting my dad's voice or how he looked forgetting Charlie's laugh she had such a unique sound forgetting how she looked not knowing how she would look today I changed so much I know she would of to and that hurts.

I know it effects her she thinks I don't see her clutching Charlie's picture as she cries holding it close she thinks I don't hear her late night prayers her rants at God. I do I hear it all.

For me it's the simple things that sometimes make me break like the first time I had to shave the first time I asked a girl out the time I was embarrassed on the whole web when my best friend/ enemy told the whole world I had never been kissed. The time shortly after when I shared my first kiss with that same girl. I wish I could ask him advice how to get over a crush without hurting yourself or the person your crushing on. The first time I get behind a car I wish he could be here to see these milestones. It's hard growing up without a father figure, but I have to keep going it's what my dad would want he died so others could live so they could enjoy their freedom it just makes me appreciate things so much more. I know Freedom isn't free and I know the price it cost for us to have it. I want to make a difference in this world before it's too late. I don't want to waste another minute in regret or anger.

I need to live my life the way my dad did the way Charlie was trying to I need to do and see things for both of us we were twins we were born together and we did almost everything together but she died too young she died never getting to fully see her full potential fulfilled so it's up to me now.

You can call me whatever you want but just remember I am only one out of thousands who's lives were effected on that day yet we have gone on and we are more then just the children of 9/11 we are so many different people we have different lives and different dreams. We are just some of America's future Generation..

This generation has so many names Generation Lost, Generation Green Generation of Connection Generation of Why, Now, but I see us as so much more we are.

A Generation of Love a Generation of Hope, Survival ,Triumph and pride.

For Some It all took place in just one moment A Moment In Time:When Time Stood Still for others it was the aftermath the growing up with the realization that life would never be the same as it was we had to learn what life meant post 9/11 and just how much our nation was changed how much our lives were changed. All I know is today I am 17 and I am on the verge of something great I don't know what or where I will find it I just know that because I ,made it through that I can make it through anything. Thanks Dad for showing me that lesson. I love you ..

Sgt. Leonard Charles Benson

USA 10th Mountain Division 1st,Infantry


	36. Chapter 36 Rolling In The Deep

**Rolling In The Deep**

**Carly's p o v**

_I can't believe how gorgeous he is Sam _

_Yea he's hot Carly just ask him he'll tell ya_

_Aw Sam what have you got against him?_

_Nothing_

_So why you so hard?_

_Cause I had to be I just don't trust him yet he seems cool but that's what they do_

_Who ?_

_Guys.._

_Aw Sam what am I going to do with you?_

_Love me feed me pet me _

_Sam your not a puppy_

_Maybe I am and you just don't know it_

_Your no more a puppy then Gibby is a mermaid_

_He is to a mermaid!_

_He is to how else do you explain it!_

_Sam go to bed!_

_Fine but I'm right and I know it.._

_Good night Sam_

_Night.._

She huffed I rolled my eyes as I turned off the light sighing remembering how his lips felt on mine, how his touch made me feel alive. His smile filled my head as I lay there trying to get some sleep.

I had been so pissed at Freddie when I stalked off I thought I would explode but TJ was so calm as he held me and let me vent till he pulled me close and kissed me. I melted as soon as his lips were on mine. We fell on the blanket next to Sam who was still fuming her eyes watching Freddie where he sat alone on the prier he looked so sad I almost softened a bit I know it was a had day for him but that was no excuse he crossed a line spying on me. How many times did I have to tell the boy I wasn't into him that way?

My body relaxed when I felt TJ giving me a massage and soon I was puddy in his arms . Sam's head was in my lap and we watched the fireworks as we remembered all the lives lost on 9/11 .. years before.

We talked softly ..

_Do you remember where you were? _

_Yea Sam I do I was in Washington D.C _

_What? _Both TJ and Sam looked at me as I spoke..

My voice almost broke as I closed my eyes feeling TJ's hand stroking my hair as Sam grasped my hands. I smiled at both of them.

_Mom had pulled me out of school I had a dance competition that morning we had to be there by 7am _

_I was on stage when the plane hit the North tower doing a solo..they had the TV's on in the back. We didn't know what it was at first you know but I remember feeling so nervous cause I thought I had screwed up my dance I was pissed and kept beating myself up over it. Mom she kept telling me I had done amazing but I was so sure I had screwed up I was being a brat .._

_Carly a brat?_

_No way I can't see that.._

_Shut up Sam _

_Feed me ham and I just might_

I hit her lightly she could always lighten the mood.

_I was throwing a fit crying and yelling at my mom who was just trying to help me...I remember thinking I have to do better then Amber Tattle she was the champion and she was my main competition but I was sure with that score I would fail. _

_I remember another girl was throwing a fit cause her mom refused to let her lose weight and get diet pills she was only 10 but she wanted to lose weight so bad so she hit her mom. I remember looking at her and thinking she was ugly..I sized her up and knew she was no threat ..all I cared about was winning._

_I was on stage at 9:37 when the plane hit D.C the whole building shock and cracked I fell and I was trapped under rubble with Amber. I remember fearing I could die and I would be next to her...I remember being there for a long time in pain scared ..and all I could think about was I going to lose? _

_Amber was so calm during the whole thing she prayed and she kept me talking so I wouldn't black out you know I hate small places she made me laugh and we got to know each other._

_We were there for almost two hours I suffered a broken ankle ...I thought it was the end of the world that I would never dance again...I cried like a baby..then I found out Amber's father had been in the pentagon when it was struck ...he died...I felt so ashamed like somehow I caused it..._

_Amber she was really sweet to me she sent me flowers and a sweet get well card and I was too scared to ashamed to send anything back she lost her dad and I was too busy stewing in my own misery to see the bigger picture. _

_We lost contact when she moved away but I wish I had gotten it then just how precious life is and how we shouldn't waste it with silly worries and self fish needs. _

_You know I'm sure you could look her up on MyFace reach out to her_

_That's an idea TJ I just don't know what to say to her I'm embarrassed_

_You were 7 Carly I'm sure she gets it just try it_

_Maybe I will thanks TJ_

I kissed him long and hard.

_What about you TJ?_

_Me? Well I was at home in La with my mom we were getting her orders ready she's a very busy women and I was helping her in her office when the news broke that the North tower had been attacked, I remembered her clients joking that the pilot was probably drunk, they were joking while these people were dying it was sick..then the next tower was hit and suddenly everyone stopped talking and they started crying and gasping suddenly it wasn't so funny. My mom panicked she grabbed us and made us go into the cellar she was sure we were all under attack. I had to hold my youngest sister so she wouldn't crawl away it was tight and dark and stuffy and I hated it we stayed there till my dad came home at 7 to tell us we sat around watching the news._

_I was too young to grasp it really but my mom and my aunts were crying. I didn't understand what he meant. I just remember seeing these two shiny towers falling down like snowman on the first day of spring. I thought it would reappear when it was time. But as the years went on I started to really see what it all meant and how it affected us._

_Sam what about you?_

_I had skipped School_

Her eyes avoided me she was lying about something I could see she was nervous but I stayed silent she would tell me when she was ready. 

_I was hanging with some local kids on the corner we were uh well never mind um I was hungry so I was trying to find something to steal ...there was some action on the corner so I went to check it out and I was shocked to see that several gang members from different gangs had come together to say a prayer they told us what had happened but I didn't understand. So one of the girls showed me a TV I stared at those images till they were burned into my brain and I just thought wow how powerful these people must be if they got all the gangs to declare a peace for even a day just to pay respect to our country. _

She shrugged I felt a chill America had been under attack and she was worried about gangs and food only Sam.

That night we had walked back to my apartment Sam was beat so she went to bed but TJ and I went to the roof we cuddled as we watched the stars. He tucked his arms over me...We talked about Freddie about Sam about how we felt growing up in a post 9/11 world. We talked about music and what concerts we wanted to go to, I laid my head back on his chest as he kissed me softly I relaxed into his arms.

_What's wrong baby?_

_Nothing just tired_

_Don't lie something's bothering you_

_You miss Freddie don't you?_

_How did you know?_

_Cause I know you Carly Shay_

_Yea well we've been friends for years we did everything together school projects hanging out we worked our butts off on iCarly for years and .._

_iCarly? What's that?_

I cussed to myself should I tell him? Lie to him? Yea lying always worked so well for me ...Not ..I cracked and told him he listened carefully.

_I can't tell you what to do but I can say listen to your heart it won't stir you wrong _

_Aw thanks TJ _

_Yea sure no prob _

_Carly Shay get your butt inside it's 1am on a school night!_

_Aw man busted _

_Busted yes your also grounded two weeks_

_Grounded! Aw man that's not fair Spencer_

_Fair? I was up worried sick Sam's so worried she's throwing up you didn't tell anyone Carly we thought something had happened but here you were with your boyfriend who I haven't even met yet on the roof ..your lucky there's windows around so people can see or I swear to god kid .._

_Spencer stop! Spencer please just calm down _

_Spencer this is TJ .._

_TJ Spencer Good-night.._

_I tried to sneak past holding TJ's hand Spencer stopped us he motioned for me to go in and TJ to stay.._

I groaned this wasn't going to be good Spencer made me go all the way inside I staked to my room pissed. Two weeks of not seeing him that was so unfair!

I was fuming how could Spencer do this to me? He was acting like I was a little kid.

_Carls you okay? _

_Hey baby god Spencer makes me so mad_

_Why baby?_

_What did he do?_

_God Sam he came tearing outside yelling at me like I was some kind of two year old he started threatening TJ it was a awesome evening Sam I didn't want it to end but damn Spencer had to be all up in my business.._

_He loves you Carly he's just worried about you this is hard for him to watch his little sister grow up and start being on her own..._

_Does he have to be so rude? TJ's so sweet _

_Carly you've only known him for a month or so Today was the first day you met him there's a lot of freaks out there who will take advantage of a girl your nature_

_What nature is that? _

_Your sweet and trusting guys love to betray that and take what they can.._

_TJ's not like that!_

_How do you know?_

_I just do and besides when did you become so ..so this.._

I waved my hands frustrated ..

_Aren't you always the one telling me to grow up?_

_Yea since when did you start to listen?_

_We all grow up sometimes maybe it's just my time_

_Well stop it I want my Sam back!_

_I'm right here_

_No I mean the one who would agree with me and threaten to kick Spencer's ass.._

_Why would I do that he took me in and believed in me when my own mom didn't he helped me he gets me to relax he makes me realize that if I try I can be alright.._

_Sam he grounded me! Two weeks!_

_Two weeks I can't see TJ! I can't talk to him!_

_You'll be fine Carly IM him call him during school _

_But will be in class!_

_Stick with me hun I'll take care of you baby _

_But what if he takes my phone?_

_I still have mine put his number in it just in case _

I was shaking as Sam grabbed my phone and programmed it as she handed it back to me ..

_He's coming fake sleep_

_How do .._

_Shh..._

She shoved me down turning off the lights.

**Next Day**

_Sam are you sure we won't get busted? _

_Shh Carls how many times do have I done this before and I have never been busted_

_I don't know but I am afraid to ask_

_Never mind I won't tell_

She handed me her cell which I almost dropped from shaking so hard.

_What if we get caught? _

_We won't Carly_

_How can you be so sure?_

_Cause I do this chiz daily baby take a deep breath kid_

She dialed his number since I was shaking so much taking a deep breath like she sighed heading to the brick wall.

I kept a close eye on the doors I was sure that someone was going to come through these doors at any moment and throw us into the Principal's office. We were under a canopy at the side of the school,a few kids were around mostly just hanging out a few kids were making out Sam was talking to two kids Terrell Jackson and Shankia Renee King seniors as well .. I waited as the phone rung pick up TJ. I prayed please Pick up..I tapped my foot impatiently glancing every so often at the school.

_Hello? _

_TJ Thank God! _

_Carly Baby girl I am so glad to hear your voice how are you calling?_

_Phone duh..Silly_

_Your too cute Carls_

_Sam lent me her phone_

_Aw somehow I knew she was behind this_

_Aren't you suppose to be in class?_

_Were skipping _

_Carly!_

_What TJ I had to I had to talk to you I was so worried what did Spencer say to you?_

He laughed

_Aw Carls your too cute baby girl relax I'm still standing he's just worried like any big brother he's cool girl he loves you he just told me to keep my hands off of you to respect you .._

_Well he needs to mind his own business cause I like when your hands were on me.._

_Whew baby girl has some spark_

_When can I see you again? _

_Right now is good for me but I don't want you skipping classes Education is important stay in school_

_Crap when can we meet? _

_After school Carls?_

_No good I'm grounded he'll be watching_

_How long?_

_Two weeks it's jank man_

_Yea that sucks but you have to obey what he tells you he is your guardian _

_Why's he gotten so mean all of a sudden?_

_He's just looking out for you _

_Don't groan Carls two weeks it's not as long as you think will make it_

_I don't know if I will TJ _

_Will video chat Carls _

_He took my computer _

_You got your pear pod? _

_Yea _

_Use this app called Face Talk_

_Cool I'll have to try it out TJ thanks babe_

_Sure can't wait till I see your face again_

_Thanks TJ_

_For?_

_Being you _

_Well I can't be Fred Astaire so I gotta be me _

_Don't laugh Carls_

_Carly try to relax and focus on school there's just two weeks it'll pass by so fast between school homework dance choir and all of Sam's stuff then will go on a real date I promise_

_Yay I can't wait!_

_Thanks TJ I feel better_

_Take care baby girl_

_I will you to_

My heart felt it would break in half as I heard the click .

_Relax baby girl I'll help you through.._

Sam threw her arms around my shoulders I turned to her and started crying she held me rubbing my back .

_I miss him already _

_I know you do I'm sure he misses you to sweetie but you'll see him soon enough.._

_Not soon enough Sam!_

_You know what I meant_

Sam held me for who knows how long till I calmed down enough.

_How are we going to get back into class?_

_Come on Carls I'll teach you a lesson or two_

_Somehow I don't think this is what parents mean when they say go to school to learn_

She laughed we found who she was looking for Rip off Rodney.

_Puckett what can I do ya for?_

_We need late slips _

_What will it cost ya?_

She flashed him something I didn't want to look but he must of liked it cause he grinned they exchanged items. I closed my eyes she winked as I closed them.

The next few days passed by so slowly to me. Sam slept in all our classed so I spent every second copying notes for both of us.

Freddie seemed to want to talk to me he kept looking over at us but I refused to even look at him . Kids kept asking about iCarly but I couldn't tell them anything new.

Every night at her therapy session I used her cell to talk to TJ and we talked through the whole session expect Friday. That was killing me all day Sam even faked being ill in class so I could sneak off but I chocked and chickened out, So she pretended to faint and I had to react.

Mrs. Buttburn freaked out big time but I got Sam to wake up and convinced her to let me take Sam to the nurse. Sam had a ball making the Rn get Popsicle's water, juice lemon ice a basin to puke in when she ate all that crap. As she was doing all of this I called TJ.

_Thanks Sam I owe you _

_Yea you owe my stomach and my bladder it won't be the same _

We giggled

_How's lover boy anyway ?_

I blushed hitting her.

_Were not ..I mean don't call him that ..we haven't .._

_What Carls say it .._

She poked me I shock my head biting my lower lip hanging my head my checks were blazing.

_You haven't what?_

_You know_

_No I'm stupid at least that's what grownups say so explain it to me_

_Sam stop your not stupid!_

_We haven't mad love okay you happy?_

_Good Yes I am _

_Well I'm not_

I pouted she hugged me laughing

_Your too cute when you pout Carly Girl_

_Stop Sam your too much _

My face fell into her hair which smelled amazing , my heart overflowed with love and gratitude for her at that moment.

_I'm lucky to have you Sam thanks_

_Well duh Carly Girl and your welcome I'm the lucky one.._


	37. Chapter 37 If I Were A Boy

**If I Were A Boy**

**Sam's P.O.V**

_We haven't made love yet happy okay?_

Happy? Happy couldn't even began to start to cover it yet I was elated , but I held back my smile though when I saw her pout she looked lost completely alone . She made it sound like she was little kid to make it cute and not a big deal but I heard her undertone. She wasn't just saying no they didn't she was saying Damn she wanted to so bad it hurt. The thought of someone else putting their hands on her delicate frame made me want to hurt someone's face and rearrange it beyond repair. The thought of someone inside of her knowing her intimately made me sick . I wanted her to be mine maybe it was self-fish but I didn't care. I breathed in her scent it was sweet like warm apples and vanilla.

I told myself to relax or she would know.

_Good yes I am_

I just didn't say how glad I ran my fingers through her hair it was odd but for some reason I always got a thrill out of how soft and silky it was.

Maybe it was cause we never had enough money when I was growing up and mom was always using what we had for her own needs which didn't include paying the electric bill, the water bill there was never water of food in the house if by some miracle one of her boy toys paid it we never had shampoo or conditioner. As a result my hair was always straw like and nasty smelling. Carly on the other hand always had fancy shampoo and conditioners, She had sweet smelling soft hair.

I relaxed myself in her arms feeling her heart beating softly.

I'll make you happy Carly just give me a chance . My mind was racing screaming but I stayed quiet. I loved being in her arms. She looked adorable with her pouty lips her nice sweet full pink covered lips. Which looked so juicy.

Stop it Sam I scolded myself running my finger tips over her Smokey eyes .

_Your too cute when you pout Carly Girl._

She hit my arm lightly it sent shivers down me I closed my eyes imaging what it would be like if we were together .

Sometimes I wish I were a boy I would be able to have those thoughts freely thinking them now it made me feel dirty and ashamed.

Thoughts of Carly laying outside by the pool in a bikini making her bronzed kissed skin glow and glisten . Carly in that little black dress that rode up to her hips clutching her firm bust. My hands enclosed around her tighter pulling her body closer to me the nipples of her breasts touched mine sending electric sparks through my whole body. I could tell how all the TJ talk had effected her god I wanted to have that effect on her body and her mind. Slowly my hands descended to the small of her back it rested on her cute small firm butt.

I could see us in town holding hands as we window gazed ..I could see us sharing kisses under the mistletoe I could see us cuddling by the fireplace as we shared our hopes and laughed at silly jokes.

I could see us as we grew up going off to collage sharing a dorm waking up whenever we wanted popping open a beer as we partied. I could see us losing control and making love over every inch of the dorm. Blasting music as we danced...I could see us buying our first house after we graduate starting a family. I could see her pregnant with our kids I could see myself holding her listening to her as she shared her hopes ,fears, pain, dreams and worry.

If I were a boy I would never worry she would be unfaithful cause I would trust her completely .

Her warm body holding mine as I made her hips move back and forth emulating squeals of joy out of her cute mouth which my lips would suck dry as I made her moan and groan sure scream out in pleasure. Till the tears ran down her checks which I would kiss away I could see her breast moving as her chest rose and fell making me even hotter. My whole body was on fire god I wanted her so bad. I could just see her moving her hair back as I kissed her neck . I could see how it would make me feel to be inside of her sweet tight body feeling her juices explode on me . God I thought I would explode my legs started to shake ..My breathing was too fast I thought I would faint.

_I'm lucky to have you Sam_

I wish I could stop these thoughts if she knew what I was thinking , She wouldn't think she was so lucky. She held me tighter I felt her face press into my hair thank god it no longer had that poor kid who couldn't afford to wash smell . Thanks mainly to Carly she was always taking care of me feeding me making sure I had money clothes..

_Well duh Carly Girl_

I played it off as a joke but I whispered.

_I'm the lucky one .._

I guess having her in my life was enough if I never got to fully have her and call her mine at least I would still be able to hold her and kiss her check talk to her laugh with her. I just couldn't love her the way my heart beat for. Not as long as I was a girl.

Since I wasn't about to change my gender I guess I was stuck dealing with this pain which I was sure would kill me before I could deal. God this sucked why was I always having some sort of pain? Didn't I deserve some happiness ? Why wasn't I born a boy? They never had to struggle like I do no one would abuse them, hurt them ..They could love a girl freely if I were a boy ..I would be so happy ..but I wasn't I was just plain Sam Puckett... it killed me …

If I were a boy Carly would love me right because then it would be normal to love me back...but I wasn't I was a girl and a girl loving another girl it was wrong right? It wasn't normal it was freaky it was sick it was perverted it was a sin and sinners went to hell..they didn't get to heaven..wait if I was really in love with Carly what did that make me? I never really thought about it before but that's what this was I was fallen in love with Carly more and more each day ..so did that make me Gay?

I was sweating and shaking I felt sick..

_I need to use the bathroom Carly Girl_

_You okay Sam you look pale?_

Her cool hands ran over my now inflamed checks making me shiver all the more.

_Sam.._

Her voice carried down the hall as I fled down it.


	38. Chapter 38 Lies

**Lies**

**Sam's p o v**

" _Sam Are you okay?_

Her voice filled every part of my head , when I looked up my whole body jumped as Carly's eyes meet mine in the mirror her face staring back at me. I held myself back from screaming as I grabbed the sink to keep my balance as I looked around only to find out Carly wasn't even here. I was by myself no one was around . I blinked splashing my face trying to control myself deep breath. I told myself as I looked up again. She was gone I breathed out in relief..Wait that didn't feel right if I was relieved why did my heart drop? Sighing I dropped to the floor curling my knees up to my chin. I felt like crying but I couldn't ..I wouldn't break down..but what was happening to me? Why all of a sudden was I having all these feelings for Carly? She's been my best friend for years..What changed? I don't ever remember feeling this strongly before .. I rocked back and forth how could my feelings change in such a sort time? What was wrong with me? How could I control myself There had to be a way?

_Sam are you okay?_

I shot up I was hearing things again I shivered I was really starting to lose it now wasn't I? I was becoming more like that crazy bitch every day . Damn you and your demons mom why couldn't you and your gene's leave me alone? Swallowing I buried my face in my knees if I didn't look it wouldn't hurt. My breathing was ragged please god just help me get through this ..I swear I will change if that's what you want. I will go to my therapy and I will corporate..I will follow my probation and I promise I will be good just please let me be normal.

I was drenched in sweat as I kept my eyes closed trying to block out the voices.

_Sam Sam what's wrong?_

_Sam are you on drugs? Sam talk to me what's wrong are you sick?_

They didn't stop the voices kept coming mocking me as if they knew what I was thinking how could she read my mind like this? Did she really think of me as a sick freak? I mean I was wasn't I? It wasn't normal for a girl to have these feelings and then to hide them and keep up this facade of being best friends when every time she touched me. I started thinking all these dirty thoughts. They were dirty right? They couldn't be normal? Maybe I was on drugs maybe this was just a illusion ..who was I kidding? I couldn't afford drugs...Carly would kill me if she saw them in the house there was no way I could sneak them.

I felt sick maybe I needed drugs.

_Sam.._

_Sam open your eyes.._

Her hands felt rough against my checks what had she been doing? Carly always had the smoothest hands like baby skin.

_Sam!_

_Open your damn eyes or I'm getting the nurse_

I did what she said slowly I pried my eyes open I blinked now I was seeing different people not just Carly great …

I sighed and leaned my head back against the tile and closed them again.

_Sam come on it's me Wendy please talk to me what's going on?_

_Noth..ing I just need to get away ya know teachers are getting on my nerves _

_Yea gurl I know that feeling that's why I ditched to _

_Wanna a cig?_

_Sure Wendy_

_Thanks gurl_

She gave me a cigarette which she lit for me my hand was shaking as I held it trying to calm myself down.

_Did ya see Ms. Burgman's eyeshadow I mean like come on did she leave any red left in the stores?_

_I know ew she looks like she got suckered punch by two cardinals and she didn't win let me tell ya_

We laughed as we smoked our blunts..

_Miss. Puckett how nice of you to join us late of course but I guess we should be grateful that you graced us with your presence at all huh?_

Mrs. Kay stopped what was she doing? I entered her biology class slowly unsure maybe I should if just skipped. All heads looked up Carly's eyes were full of worry. I slide in my seat next to her she mouthed are you okay?

I jumped a bit as she took my hand into hers she felt cool against my warm skin as soon as she felt me she got even more worried.

Mrs. Kay was watching us Carly was trapped she couldn't talk or she would get a dentition but I knew she was dying to ask me.

My eyes went forward to see the notes on the board as soon as her back was turned to us Carly sent me a text damn the girl can type fast.

_Sam your clammy and warm and shaking what's wrong?_

If only Carly knew why I was so warm . Mrs. Kay was watching so I couldn't respond.

I tried to pay attention the way everyone else was but my mind was on Carly and only Carly ..I needed to escape. I kept thinking about how cute she was when she was trying to hard to listen and write at the same time. The way her mouth curled a bit how her hair fell over her left eye. The way her hands held so tight to the pen.

_Puckett perhaps you can tell us the answer ?_

A few kids who had no common sense snickered I swallowed I couldn't afford a bad grade.

_Miss. Puckett were waiting could you hurry up a bit not all of us run on Sam Puckett time the rest of us run on daylight savings which means we have 10 minutes left in class._

_If you paid attention more maybe you wouldn't be so stupid ...if you have any hope of passing with anything higher then a f I suggest getting that butt up now. I also suggest paying attention to class instead of how hot Carly looks.._

More snickers and a few comments my face flushed..

_Turn to page 20 class tonight's homework read from page 20 section A – section B on page 104._

_I want a essay done expressing the issue that's discussed in chapter 4 and your views of how it effects your world. What do you think will happen in another 10 years?_

Everyone groaned Carly looked pissed as she buried her head in her arms moaning.

_You can thank Sam for that and it's due tomorrow.._

_What that's not fair!_

_Why should we be punished for her laziness? _

_Thanks a lot Puckett!_

_You suck Puckett!_

_Dyke!_

_Want a head injury Jerkins keep talking_

_Dentition Puckett I will not tolerate any kind of violence including threats of it !_

_But he called me a .._

_It doesn't matter shut your mouth sit your ass down and pay attention or go see Principle Franklin and make sure you tell him how you threatened our star football player._

_Understand dumb ass?_

I was in shock what had I ever done to her? Why was she such a bitch ? She was new this year I hadn't even met her till my first day of class with her. Carly was near tears she was so mad I could see her face fuming up. Her eyes pleaded with me to be quiet. I swallowed if I went to Principle Franklin he would have to report it.

I crossed my arms sinking down..

_Deranged bitch _

I muttered

_Excuse me Sam what did you say repeat it louder..it's rude to mutter_

My face flushed deeper.

_I said yes ma'am_

_Sam why did you have to go and piss her off like that?_

_We already had enough homework plus dance your therapy and your P.O _

_I didn't do anything Carly_

_Yea ya didn't pay attention either Sam _

Carly threw her books inside her locker and slammed it pissed as she glared at me . I suddenly felt like a little kid getting scolded. Carly was never angry at me like this but right now she was pissed.

" _Sam why can't you be more like your sister Mel she's perfect just so sweet so kind she knows how to listen and pay attention. I never have to tell her twice to pick up her toys and clean up she does it on her own she listens to me every time I talk..why can't you be like Mel why are you so stupid? _

Slap right across my face I stiffened my upper lip which was trying to quiver I wouldn't cry. She picked up one of my toys which was a plastic car she started to shake it.

_How many times Samantha do I have to tell you not to leave these in places where I can trip over them! Do you even listen when I talk? No of course not you ungrateful spoiled brat!_

She picked me up and started to shake me hard I felt sick my head hurt.

_What do I have to do to make you hear me? Damn it Samantha!_

Mel cried I begged her silently please stop please hear me use our twin telepathy. She kept whimpering though and they turned into wails.

_Shut-up Melanie !_

Mel's eyes went wide but she got up and ran to our room. I was alone again which made Mom even madder.

_See what you did Samantha! Your such a bad girl you drove my sweet Mel off damn you!_

She picked up the car and and smashed me across my face . Blood pushed it's way to the surface she smashed me across the other side. I fell against the wall as she started hitting me repeatedly my hands flew up to protect myself which only made it worse. She started screaming about what a screw up I was and how stupid I was as she marched to grab something my heart was beating so hard. I felt sick like I would pass out. My legs shock as I tried to stand my face was wet and sticky.

_Now Samantha you listen to me good and you hear me!_

I backed up moving against the wall..

_Hold your hands out Samantha !_

I looked at her scared

_Did you hear me? Do I have to repeat myself?_

_You don't want me to repeat myself do you Samantha? _

I held my hands out scared what was she going to do?

_Now listen to me Samantha do not move your hands till I say so you understand?_

_Y..e...s..s..s..s_

My little voice shock she grinned running her hands through my blond curls.

_That's my girl Sam close your eyes and I will teach you a lesson_

My heart was pounding out of my chest.

Pain over took my whole hands it took everything not to cry the pain was infinite. I wanted to scream to cry to move but I didn't dare..I fought it as the pain tore through me my head was pounding I was dizzy I felt sick I gripped the walls but my legs started to give.

_Damn it Samantha you didn't listen !_

She took a iron rod and slammed me over the head and kept beating me.

_Mom stop!_

_Mommy I'm sorry stop hurting me!_

_Mom I promise I'll listen better please stop hurting me _

_I'm going to make sure you never have to be told twice ever again no one will say I didn't teach you right!_

My hands were raw and bloody and shaking I couldn't move them. .

_Momma stop I'm sorry .._

Finally the sweet blacknessI craved consumed me . I fell into it's open arms, I didn't try to stop myself.

I woke up to the dimming of the sunlight Mel was sitting besides me crying shaking me to wake up.

_Sami I need you wake up Sami Mommy's making strange noises in her bed some strange dude is here again Sami wake up! _

She was pleading with me I felt like I had been hit by a truck ..she pulled me up I curled my legs up to my chest.

_What happened to your hands Sam?_

I looked down at them they were white with blood pouring out some of the blood was dry my eyes fell on what she used a iron rod which was now burnt black and gasoline and a cigarette lighter ..

I started to shiver then I got sick all over the place.

_Sami Sami I'll go get Mommy.._

_N.._

I couldn't choke out No terror filled me I tried to run but I couldn't even stand.

_I told you to listen to me Sam Damn you I said No more messes look what you did!_

_Did you listen of course not well I guess I have to teach you harder!_

_Please Mommy No!_

_I'm sorry!_

_I'm Sorry.._

_Sam ? Sam? Sam Stop I'm not going to hurt you it's okay I'm sorry _

_I shouldn't of yelled Sam come back to me! Sam.._

I blinked shaking as my vision came into focus . Carly's face came into view, she looked worried and upset when she saw my eyes open she locked hers into mine. She squealed throwing her arms around my shoulders resting her head against my neck.

_Sam are you okay? _

_What happened? _

_Why would you think I would ever hurt you? _

_Sam talk to me please.._

Some how I had gone from standing by our lockers to sitting against a wall clear across from our lockers. Kids were standing around pointing and whispering staring at us. Carly held my hands staring into my eyes.

_Sam come on I'm taking you to the nurse_

_Carly I'm fine I just .._

_No your not quit lying _

She helped me up wrapping her arms around me protectively I heard the snickers.

_Crazy Bitch _

_I told you she was mental_

I was suddenly to tired to fight back so I laid my head on her shoulder glaring at the rude kids.

My head was spinning as Carly helped me to lay down on the cot.

_Relax Sam the nurse will be with you in a minute you okay babe?_

I closed my eyes feeling Carly sweep a hand over my forehead.

Spencer came and picked us up I heard him and Carly talking in the back-round softly as I lay on the couch in Mrs. Cosgrove's office. I wouldn't talk I couldn't no one could know what a freak I was.

I saw her talking to them and they would glance over at me every so often . I closed my eyes I just wanted to melt away why was my life so messed up why couldn't I just control myself? My thoughts my feelings? My life? I wanted to melt away.

If I pretended to be asleep maybe they wouldn't push me. It didn't work she came over and sat by me I heard them leave. I didn't care what she had to say she couldn't help me she couldn't change me make me un-gay could she?

_Sam What happened today? _

Yea like I would tell you bitch? Leave me alone I thought curling around the pillow tighter I just wanted to sleep that's all I wanted.

Who would love me now? It was hard enough before but at least I was normal now forget it I didn't stand a chance. What was it worth living for?

_Sam at some point you have to tell us what's happening you can't handle this alone_

Watch me lady just sit back in your designer suits and watch me.

_It's okay to be yourself it's okay to cry if you want to your not weak _

_If You tell us what happened_ we_ can help you.._

Lies all lies no one could help me now no one...Just like the lyrics to a song..I was trapped by these memories and these lies..

_Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear  
>Sealed with lies through so many tears<br>Lost from within, pursuing the end  
>I fight for the chance to be lied to again<em>

_You will never be strong enough  
>You will never be good enough<br>You were never conceived in love  
>You will not rise above<em>

_[Chorus:]  
>They'll never see<br>I'll never be  
>I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger<br>Burning deep inside of me_

_But through my tears breaks a blinding light  
>Birthing a dawn to this endless night<br>Arms outstretched, awaiting me  
>An open embrace upon a bleeding tree<em>

_Rest in me and I'll comfort you  
>I have lived and I died for you<br>Abide in me and I vow to you  
>I will never forsake you<em>

_[Chorus]_

_Rest in me and I'll comfort you  
>I have lived and I died for you<br>Abide in me and I vow to you  
>I will never forsake you <em>


	39. Chapter 39 Bring It On

**Bring It On**

**Sam's p o v**

" _Sam why can't you just tell me what's wrong?_

_Nothing's Wrong Carls okay you need to just chill_

_I can't when I know your lying to me_

_I'm not lying to you_

_Yes you are!_

_How am I lying to you?_

_Cause I saw your reaction you were terrified I was going to hurt you ..I have never hurt you Sam so _

_Who would make you so afraid?_

_Make you this hard _

_No one Carls no one can ever hurt me Carly Girl you know that _

_I know that you like to fool the world by pretending to be this big bad tough MMA fighter but I know you too well Sam and I know that everyone has a breaking point everyone has a spot that can be touched so who hurt you Sam ? Who made you this hard?_

_Life kid life made me this hard seriously Carly I'm okay I just had a moment.._

_Sam what what made you have this moment? _

_What were you remembering?_

_What made you think I would hurt you?_

Carly's eyes looked so worried she was so persistent. I almost gave in but I knew she could never handle it. So I hugged her instead.

_Really I'm fine please stop worrying_

_I can't Sam your my best friend I love you and ever since you came back from your different I can't put my finger on it but something happened in there and it effected you I don't know what or why but it did._

_It's jail Carly it ain't pretty but I'm fine it may take time I was in there longer then ever ..I had pretty serious chargers against me I was scared ya know. I just some time please understand it's loud in there the guards they yell at you for every little thing constantly in your ears screaming about what trash you are that your not working fast enough...there's fights all the time they bang their sticks all the time when you slammed your locker and you were yelling it just brought it back. I mean I didn't do anything to that witch and she started in on me and your suppose to be my best friend Carls your suppose to have my back all the time and you didn't you just went off on me to. _

_I know and I'm sorry I am just so stressed from all this work and dance and god senior year this is just so hard Sam it's not suppose to be this hard.._

_I know sometimes Growing up is just that way though.._

_I'm sorry Sam I shouldn't of taken it out on you lord knows everyone else has please forgive me Sam I am sorry .._

_I'll think about it Carly Girl _

Her mouth fell open wide I grinned

_Sucka.._ I punched her arm lightly

_Your so dead Puckett_

_Bring it on Shay.._


	40. Chapter 40 I'm okay I Promise You

**I'm Okay I Promise I Am Not Okay**

_I'm so lost Shay how do I do this?_

Everything was blurring together .I was trying to read the assignment and the words kept jumping and spinning ..

_A __**gene**__ is a molecular unit of __heredity__ of a living __organism__. It is a name given to some stretches of __DNA__ and __RNA__ that code for a type of __protein__ or for an __RNA__ chain that has a function in the organism. Living beings depend on genes, _

_Your A Freak!_

_As they specify all proteins and functional RNA chains. Genes hold the information to build and maintain an organism's __cells__ and pass genetic __traits__ to offspring, _

_Homo! _

_Although some __organelles__ (e.g. __mitochondria__) are self-replicating and are not coded for by the organism's DNA. All organisms have many genes corresponding to various different biological traits, some of which are immediately visible, such as __eye color_

_Sinner!_

_Or number of limbs, and some of which are not, such as __blood type__ or increased risk for specific diseases, or the thousands of basic __biochemical__ processes that comprise __life__. _

_Dirty Dyke!_

_I need a break Shay _

_Go ahead Sam and stop calling me Shay Puckett_

_Sure thing Shay_

_Ah~~~ _

She threw a pillow at me as I ran out laughing .

_Snack attack?_

Spencer asked as he sat in the living room working on a sculpture made out of cheese and chocolate I eyed it ..

_Don't even think about it Puckett..there's a giant ham in.._

I was on it before he could finish he just laughed ..

_I need a drink _

_So what's up Sam?_

_Nothing just trying to do this homework assignment and I can't even focus .._

I didn't even tell him the real reason.

_Sam do you have a dime? I need to give the pizza man money and I'm short 10 cents.._

_Sure hold on Spencer ._

I grabbed two cola's as I rummaged through my pockets feeling something cold and plastic . I pulled it out slightly wondering what it was Turns out it was the pills from the weekend they could help me focus right? One wouldn't hurt me right? No I had to be strong...I couldn't break down.

_Sam the dime? If you don't have it I can go to my room_

_Oh right sorry no I got it here sorry_

I shoved the bag back inside my pocket as I tossed him the dime.

_What's in your pocket Puckett?_

_Nothing Shay _

_I think it's something _

_I think your insane_

_I think your hiding something and I'm going to find out what it is..._

_Why?_

He started to chase me as I squealed laughing as he tried to grab me I dodged him

_I'm gonna get ya_

_Keep dreaming I am a master of escape ha_

I jumped over the couch

_I'm coming for ya Sam I'm com..._

_ow! _

Spencer tripped over his shoes crashed into the couch and landed on the coffee table, I groaned for him that had to hurt. Spencer laid there groaning , grabbing the soda's I paused on the steps should I help him or go back and study?

_I'm okay Really..as soon as I gain feeling in my legs again _

_I will get up _

_Okay Spencer thanks _

_N..o Problem I'm just going to lay here and take a nap .._

_Okay have a nice nap_

_What took you so long Sam?_

_Spencer was showing me one of his new creations _

_Sam you didn't try to eat it did ya?_

_I'm hurt Shay _

_Well get over it and get over here we need to get this chapter done..maybe if we study together it will help you focus._

She patted between her legs I hesitated there's no way I would be able to focus sitting between her legs that close to her but how could I say no? It was normal for us and she would be hurt if I said no ..I couldn't hurt her..my fingers fidgeted with the cans swallowing I tried to reply.

_Sam are you okay sweetie?_

_Yea I just don't want to disturb you if I can't focus you won't be able to .._

_Babe I'll help you focus come here silly _

_Well okay then here.._

She took one of the cans and smiled her thanks her smile made me want to melt as she pushed her hair back. She took mine and put them both on her nightstand.

I climbed up sitting between her legs she smiled again placing the book on her knee as she placed her legs around my waist I leaned back laying against her chest. Her left foot she placed between my legs.

I could smell her sweet body lotion and perfume her skin was soft and glistened it made me shiver as she brushed against me.

It was amazing making me want to melt straight into her arms.

I felt her brush my hair back as she leaned her head back on my shoulder.. closing my eyes I just enjoyed having her close to me..

_Sam focus _She hit me laughing.

Carly's sweet voice filled my ear as she read out loud.

The whole time she was reading I was left to wonder what made me different. Who am I? Did a little gene make me different? How did my gene go astray? Why did I have to be different then Carly and Wendy?

My brain hurt from thinking how was I suppose to find love when I was such a freak? Who would ever love me? I was a loser with no job no real skills no money a criminal back-round at only 17 I had lousy grades and I wasn't smart or pretty like Carls.

What could I do to be normal?

Someone as pretty and smart confident and funny like Carly would want someone equal to her like TJ who she could talk to without having to explain everything to like a 2 year old.

Why did god hate me? He had to right? Why else would he do this to me? Give me the most gorgeous sweetest, funniest, smartest, perfect girl who would do anything for me . She had a heart of gold . Why would he put her in my life to make it so we could never be together was this a sick joke? Did he enjoy watching me struggle? Was it fun for him to watch me ride these emotional waves? Cause it was messing with my head if I couldn't be with her I would rather die. This man this was hell on earth.

In her arms I was lost in paradise I could dream about how it could be if she was like me.. how we would live together happily. Reality was cruel and hard. It brought me back to the cold fact that I could never have something that wasn't mine to have.

_Sam we need to talk _

_Yea Spencer? Was sup?_

_I'll be upstairs studying the wonderful world of gene's thanks Sam.._

_Sorry Carls.._

_S'Kay Sam_

She took her time going up the steps as I sat down with Spencer for our nightly talk.

_So talk to me kid what's going on?_

_Nothing just studying and surviving hell aka school_

_Well according to Carly you had a little episode today _

_I explained it to her were cool it was nothing_

_Sam I think it was something_

_We need to discuss it_

_Spencer please I'm okay_

_Your far from okay Sam in fact I think you need to start talking to a therapist if you don't like Mrs. Cosgrove I can talk to your P.O and see if we can find another court approved Therapist assigned to your case. _

_Spencer I don't need it .._

_Sam this isn't normal you can't keep having break downs like these Whatever is causing you to do this we need to get it to the bottom of it so we can help you heal..we need to fix this Sam _

_I ain't broke _

_I didn't say that Sam_

_Yes you did you said I needed to be fixed you don't fix something if it ain't broke_

_I want to help you_

_I ain't a machine you can't just flip a switch and chiz starts to work_

_I know that Sam your my little sister I love you _

_Spencer give me time and I will promise you I will be okay I just need time to readjust to get use to life on the outs again I'm okay for real Spence ._

_No your not Sam but the officer did say it could take time I'll give you some more two weeks Sam if I don't see a big improvement you'll have to talk to someone. _

_I promise Spencer thanks_

_One more thing Sam you got something in the mail from the Seattle Department of Juvenile Corrections. _

_What is it?_

_I didn't open it I was waiting for you _

I sighed this couldn't be good could it? Spencer gave me a cup of hot coca and sat by me as I opened it.

_King County Department Of Juvenile Corrections _

_Ronald Snapple_

_Sheriff _

_Samantha Puckett # 2468-2011:627-2011 September 26th 2011_

_c/o Spencer Shay _

_Commonwealth of Washington _

_Vs_

_Samantha Puckett_

_Case No. 2468-2011:627-2011 _

_Dear Defendant_

_A judge of the Juvenile Court has ruled that as part of your probation a fine of $1,0000 is ordered to be paid in full cash only by November 16th 2011 . _

_If the above amount is not received in full amount by the above date before closing time of the business day. A Bench warrant will be issued for your immediately arrest . A bench warrant has no statute of limitations unlike some violations of the law._

_It is in your best interest to contact our office immediately to resolve this matter. _

_Sincerely _

_Juvenile Criminal / Fugitive Division _

_King County Sheriff's Department_

_What they can't do this Spencer can they?_

_They never mentioned a fine!_

_Calm down Sam _

_Calm down we can't afford this _

_Sam I will find a way _

He put a arm around my shoulder pushing me down

_Deep breath calm down I'll find a way I have money saved up _

_Yea for emergencies for Carly's college fund not for bailing me out of my messes._

_Sam chill let me worry about this I have paintings saved up I can sell them I will find a way to help you out I won't let them lock you up._

_Just calm down and get ready for bed. _

_Sam.._

He looked me in my eyes and waited till I was settled down.

This wasn't right how could they slap me with this? How could Spencer do this? Why did I always mess up so bad? No wonder no one wanted me I had to find a way I wasn't going to let Spencer sell his paintings from his child hood the ones his mom had signed by his favorite artiest when he was 10. he thought I didn't know how proud his mom was how she had contacted a art dealer and had them on display at the museum of modern art in Seattle for a whole week. I would go to Juvie first.

_Loser _

_Gay Freak _

_You loved it admit it_

_Look at the dog girls watch her crawl woof woof_

_Just like the bitch she is_

Pain shot through me as Laura kicked me hard, her friends laughed . I sat up soaked in sweat breathing hard ,thank god Carly was peacefully asleep next to me. Getting up I was shaking as I grabbed my hoodie and ran into the bathroom throwing up. As I heaved and coughed I was gasping for air. I was dizzy as I sat on the cold tile my head resting against the tub.

I needed to calm down too much was happening .

I reached inside my hoodie and felt the plastic bag of pills I shouldn't I knew it but I needed something. I couldn't live like this and Ryan said it wasn't addictive. He wouldn't lie right?

Quickly I grabbed a cup filled it with water my hands shaking I popped two in my mouth and sat back as the slide down my throat I waited for the effects to start. Popping on my Pear Pod I let the words of a Song By My Chemical Romance wash over me.

**I'm Not Okay [I Promise]**

_Well if you wanted honesty  
>That's all you had to say.<br>I never want to let you down or have you go  
>It's better off this way<br>For all the dirty looks  
>The photographs your boyfriend took<br>Remember when you broke your foot  
>From jumping out the second floor<em>

_I'm not okay  
>I'm not okay<br>I'm not okay  
>You wear me out<em>

_What will it take to show you  
>That it's not the life it seems<br>I'm not okay  
>I've told you time and time again<br>You sing the words but  
>Don't know what it means<br>I'm not okay  
>To be a joke and look<br>Another line without a hook  
>I held you close as we both shook<br>For the last time take a good hard look_

_I'm not okay  
>I'm not okay<br>I'm not okay  
>You wear me out<em>

_Forget about the dirty looks  
>The photographs your boyfriend took<br>You said you read me like a book  
>But the pages all are torn and frayed<em>

_I'm okay  
>I'm okay<br>I'm okay now  
>I'm okay, now<em>

_But you really need to listen to me  
>Because I'm telling you the truth<br>I mean this  
>I'm okay!<br>(Trust Me)_

_I'm not okay  
>I'm not okay<br>Well I'm not okay  
>I'm not o-fucking-kay<br>I'm not okay  
>I'm not okay<br>(Okay)  
><em>


	41. Chapter 41 Lost In Paradise

**Lost In Paradise**

**Sam's P.O.V**

_I can't believe two weeks passed by that fast !_

_That's a good thing Carls right Now you can see TJ_

_I know were meeting up at his house after school oh my god Sam I can't wait!_

_Snap I just thought of this what about your P.O? _

_Carls I'm 17 I can handle going to see my P.O by myself_

_Been doing it for years relax girl go be with your man_

Must have been the drugs but I wasn't jealous of TJ for some reason. I was happy she had finally found love. She deserved it after all.

_Thanks Sam Your the best _

She kissed my check

_Go to Class I'll meet You I have to pee bad_

_Kay Carly girl_

I was so calm I didn't even mind her telling me to go to class the two pills I had popped this morning were doing exactly what they were suppose to. People were staring as I went into class prob cause I wasn't bullying anyone even Gibby was looking at me strange.

As soon as I entered the classroom kids started to snicker and laugh.

_Call the psych unit their star pt escaped_

Kids Started to make sounds like I was nuts and had flown over the nest.

_Screw the Psych unit call the mother ship _

_Don't bother Jared they already left her out to space cuz she was too out there even for them_

_Captain said she was too far gone to even be eligible for the space case program_

He made a crazy motion as the other kids laughed

_Keep talking Johnson I'll.._

_You'll what Puckett? We both know you can't do Chiz unless your ass wants to get locked down_

_Stupid Ho your .._

Before I could stop it he knocked my books straight from my arms grabbing my bag

_Lets see what does the Mental patients carry to school in this age?_

_No matter we do to you bitch your powerless to do anything_

_Right Puckett?_

He stepped to me trying to look tough I was blazing man I would just love to wipe that smirk off his face. I could to I know I did it before.

_Sam pick up your books stop being so careless_

_Yea Puckett like your girlfriend said pick it up .._

They laughed I saw the football players checking Carly out one went to put his arms around her waist she wiggled out of his reach. Grabbing my bag from him glaring at him.

_Shut your mouths jerks or just wait till she's off probation or I'll lead her right to you the day she's off. _

_Yea like were scared will be gone long before this dog gets free woof woof_

They shoved past me as the bell rung one shoved me so hard I almost fell Carly had to caught me. I was so mad my body was on fire.

_Dirty dyke_

One Kid whispered

_Queer.._

_Lesbo.._

_Hope she's a goof fuck bitch cause your gonna burn in hell for eternity .._

I lost it I shoved him ..

_Sam Stop! _

Carly grabbed me shoving me to my seat as the teacher came in.

Normally I would be so mad all I would be able to do was think of ways to make them suffer but these pills were having a awesome effect on me. I was able to focus on what was in front of me like these stupid math fractions. Which made me want to gag but I was able to whip through them even beating Carly and the Nub who kept staring at me like he was searching for something but couldn't find it.

The day passed by pretty quickly and uneventful till 7th period when I started to feel the effects wearing off. I started to feel the tremors, abdominal and muscle cramps, I was sweating like crazy and very nauseated.

_Can I use the bathroom?_

_Again Samantha _

Mr. Howard sighed in frustration

_You just went last period Sam_

Carly hissed I shrugged

_I can't help it I have a weak bladder and I drank 3 bottles of water_

She sighed

_Go Samantha I don't want to explain to housekeeping why there's a puddle on the floor from the big high school babies who's momma's never potty trained them..._

_Don't get lost!_

_I wish anything would be better then sitting here listening to you Mr. Snooze_

_It's Howard_

_Whatever Loser_

_I am not a loser stop talking to my wife!_

I slammed the door as I went outside grabbing one of my cigs lighting it up.

_Your going soft Puckett try this chiz it'll get your blood pumping_

I saw Tanisha King sitting by a back wall as I went out a back door and rounded a corner heading down a concrete stairwell no one ever used any more expect for us. She looked very relaxed

_Probation man I wish I could dug test everyday drag man_

_That blows_

_Yes Yes it does _

A few other kids were hanging around I plopped next to T as she smoked her weed. I let the nicotine fill my system.

_I heard rumors man wasn't sure what was it you allegedly did? _

_Ah man stole a car hot wired it stole money lead the popo on a high speed chase crashed the car assaulted a officer was in possession of illegal narcotics Allegedly of course _

We laughed

_Hey what are you two doing here! Get to class!_

_Chiz in biscuits it's Mrs. Briggs Run!_

I didn't even get to finish my smoke stupid bitch. I thew it down and ran the opposite way T ran.

Panting I collapsed in the stall at the far end of the building where hardly anybody went during class. Pulling out my bag I started to panic I was down to my last pill what the hell was I going to do? I couldn't focus without them. I was doing so well to Carly and Spencer were so proud.

Quickly I pulled out my cell and texted Ryan .

I waited for his response as I swallowed half the last pill so I would be clean by the time I went to my P.O. The effects took over quickly as my breathing eased up.

_Ryan _ Whats Wrong Lil S? _

I replied I was out of pills he responded by telling me to stop at his place after school.. my P.O would take at least 2 hours how would I get past Carly? Wait..Carly was going to TJ's ..Thank you TJ ..Keep her entertained .

I replied I would see him by 6 he sent a smiley face.

_Sam please go straight to your P.O and home Spencer is freaking out already ..he thinks I'm going to the library so please don't say anything Sam,,_

_Relax Carls I got your back have fun sweetie_

_Thanks Sam Text me when your home I mean it kay?_

_No worries I will babe same to you _

_Stay Blond_

_Stay Brun.._

Carly pulled me into a hug I loved it and wanted to stay that way forever Lost In Paradise.

My P.O was not in a good section of town as soon as I stepped off the bus I was in the middle of gang land Crisps, Blood , Disciples , Sur 13, DWC, I held my head up high and kept walking even as some guys were trying to get me to fight or to be their sex toy. Kids were in the ball park shooting hoops young girls stayed on the porches playing jacks and double dutch. I strolled inside enjoying the freedom as I head a car alarm blaring in the not so distant street. 4 police cruisers were arresting two gang members. I went into the office, Adjusting my bandana which I had made special it was red and black and yellow and said iCarly all over it.

I hated to admit it but I kinda missed him and I really missed doing iCarly every week and I knew Carly did even more.

My P.O Mrs. Warp was already pissed off about something she was growling at me as I strolled inside is saw her look at my head gear and shake her head. She studied me carefully as she asked me question after question. She asked me the same ones trying to get me to trip up but I was onto her game so fast and made sure I was on mine. Finally she gave up and gave me my UA of course she searched me before I was able to leave.

I made it to Ryan's texting Carly to let her know I was cool and then texted Spencer to know I was going to Wacky Taco's .

Ryan lived on the other side of Seattle I had to take two buses to get there I felt out of place as I walked among these snobby rich people.

Ryan opened his door dressed in a tank and a tight pair of jeans. He looked fine as he stood there holding a beer. His hair was spiked as his headband music was blasting as he let me in.

_You look stressed Sam girl come on in and put your bag down.._

I smiled up at him my eyes scanned the room seeing he had company people dressed in business causal his place was super clean and organized it had a huge glass window that looked over the sparkling city his couch faced the window and a fireplace, by his apartment was split in to three levels the main where his kitchen and living room where then a staircase which curved up in the little cove was a sitting area with a table that wrapped around the stair case. Next to the kitchen was a hallway that lead to a few rooms including his. In the cove were some teens who looked drunk, in the kitchen was a guy about 19 or 20 wearing black and blue he was reppin for Sur 13 I knew for sure. I didn't trust anyone so I kept my stuff, there was a young women by the Sur 13 guy she eyed me.

_Relax Sami no one's going to hurt you babe I'll make sure of it_

He took me into his room which made me nervous but he flipped on the light it was so big I felt lost a little. His room was light blue with a white trim, a desk with a computer and closet. A dresser and nightstand and a huge bed that revolved.

_I'm sorry I'm so rude did you want a drink? _

_Nah man I'm cool Thanks thou _

_Sit back baby and take off your jacket _

I felt safe with him so I did sitting on his bed I felt like I could sink in he smiled

_Who's your P.O?_

_Mrs. Warp_

_Ah man I had her she's tough baby _

_Fro real man she was riding my ass had tonight_

_Yea well it's a pretty ass to ride I don't blame her I would be all up in it if I could_

I blushed as he sat by me unable to take his eyes off me his fingers touched my shoulder I shuddered not expecting this..

_I have a little something that can take that edge off Sam_

_Really what is it?_

_Shh relax trust in me_

He lit something up took a giant puff and slide it inside my mouth it was a herb and it calmed me instantly. I felt my whole body relax.

He took off my shoes massaging my feet I sunk into his bed he worked his hands over my feet and lower back shoulders neck till I was laying on his bed limp. He curled up next to me his hands massaging my stomach and kissing my neck. He held me as I smoked it down and shared it with him.

_Talk to me baby girl what's going on?_

I spilled my concerns and fears about school stress dance probation money trying to do right.

_I think I can help you Sam_

_What? Really ? How?_

_Well first off here's a fresh supply but go easy Sam, too much you'll get busted. This should last at least two months .._

I smiled seeing the bag full of pills hugging him.

_As far as money I know a way you can get cash fast your good Sam you should have no problem with this job ..My friend Zachary will help you with all the details. Lets go see him baby you like the little helper? _

I nodded as I finished the herb taking his hand going out. The business people were gone so it was quieter.

He went up to the creepy guy even now he gave me the chills he was mean looking, bald headed with a face full of tattoos a lip ring a nose ring a tongue ring he was built but short . He weighed at least 190 lbs or so.

_This is Zac Williams he's your boy when you need fast cash tell her what ya need man Puckett can handle anything. _

_Puckett any relation to To Carmine? _

_Yea he's my uncle_

_Good Man _

_Funny the popo don't seem to think so_

_Screw those cocksuckers_

We laughed

_Any Girl of Carmine's must be good so what's up_

_Sam needs Money fast to pay for her fine_

_Aw man that sucks kinda funny thou huh_

_Huh how's this funny? It blows where the hell do they think a 17 year old kid has _

_$1,0000 laying around oh I'm Victoria by the way.._

We shock hands she smiled looking me up and down I did the same to her. I liked what I saw she was pretty tough looking but very pretty.

_No man I was talking bout they fine you for doing bad things so your going to pay that fine off by doing more bad things .._

_Life's rough man you do what ya gotta do _

_True Young Homie so True_

_Okay meet me tomorrow at 8 pm here_

I nodded he looked me over

_I better go before my guardian freaks out _

_Thanks Ryan_

_Sure babe no prob_

_Stay cool Sam you can make it_

We hugged as I felt him slip something in my pocket as he squeezed my butt. A few of the girls snickered.

_Be Careful Sam these streets aren't made for pretty things like you_

_I'm good Ryan But thanks_

I left popping my 7th pill as I got into the elevator . I just wanted that feeling of being Lost In Paradise where I could dream of being with her having her arms wrapped around me and never leaving.

The world blew by as I sat on the bus watching couples holding each other kissing snuggling . I closed my eyes putting on my pear pod. I was lost instantly in my mind. I drifted off as I dreamed..

I was flying I don't know where I was going to but I was free and it felt amazing the wind under my wings as I soared through the sky. Over the clouds past the birds is aw the whole world as I dipped down over the ocean...I landed on top of the hill my huge wings which were a semi dark purple and black tucked away as I looked around the world was dark there was no light I was cold as I walked around wondering how did I get here? How did that feeling of freedom I had up there in the sky die so quickly as I touched down? My giant webbed feet sink into the ground as I walked my claws gripped the ground making marks where ever I walked as I made my way through the giant brooding forest birds called as the flew making a cold wind which beat against my already shivering body. I was scared I had no idea how I had gotten here..I felt lost and no matter what I did I felt like I was missing something. I called out my voice coming out in a loud squawk no one answered but I was almost thrown from my stance as some thing flew above me I spun but they were gone breathless I looked around. I cried out the shadow flew over me again I spun trying to spread my wings but the tree's prevented me from spreading my wings. I saw my object from a distant she was a beauty far beyond this world she radiated pureness love and goodness from a world far away. I could never have her but maybe if I was human. Would I be good enough then? Was it too late? Did I trade my human form for this? A world of pure beauty and no pain .. did I give it all up just so I would never hurt again? If so then why did my heart feel like it was broken? I had run from my human life thinking it would only get better but it hadn't now I was lost in paradise a world of beauty but with no real love. Now I can only watch as you fly away back to your world leaving me with this cruel wanting and this hopelessness of never having it all.

I fell forward as the bus hit it's breaks blinking I realized too late I had missed my stop quickly I grabbed my bag and ran out .

_Stupid teenagers_

The old cranky bus driver muttered as I got off so I flipped him the bird. My music filled my ear as I pictured ..

Carly and I in a park on a lake watching the stars go by as we held each other absorbed in the natural beauty of the sky our lips locked with each others.

We were so lost we just held each other our arms enclosed around our shoulders my head on her chest her hair spread all over the deck as we lay on the boat watching , I kissed her neck and chest taking off her shirt hearing her moan ..I was so lost in Paradise beyond happiness then the sky crashed around me ..stars fell...

Cars honked as I shock my head to see I was in the middle of the intersection on a green light I gasped and scurried to the sidewalk.

The words of the song spoke to me touched my soul and made me hurt, no matter how many drugs I took in the end I would always wake up ..with the same ending..just like my dream...

_**Until I have nothing left  
>And all I feel is this cruel wanting<strong>_

_**We've been falling for all this time**__**  
>And now I'm lost in paradise<strong>_

_**Alone, and lost in paradise  
><strong>_


	42. Chapter 42 Flat On The Floor

**Flat On the Floor**

**Carly's P.O.V**

I was a bundle of emotions as I pulled up to TJ's house my hands were shaking as I gripped the steering wheel. Checking myself in the mirror for the hundredth time I sighed it was now or never.

I fixed my skirt and blouse as I grabbed my bag and keys locked my car and headed up. I saw a pair of two little eyes watching me as I walked up the sidewalk which was made of little pink and white stones.

As soon as I got up to the door I debated running it looked like such a nice house I could tell everything was done with such care and tender daily. The house which was Ranch style was settled in a array of exotic trees and bushes it the shingles were a light peach and the shutters a light green a garden of beautiful flowers lined the bed under the windows.

As soon as I got to the door I heard a little voice and a giggle as it shouted out. I rang the bell anyway.

_Oh TJ Your girlfriends here..._

Then laughter I blushed wondering what he had told them about us? About me?

Footsteps echoed as the door knob turned would his parents his mom especially like me? Would she think I wasn't smart enough? TJ was super smart and he always said his mom pushed him in school cause she was so smart herself , my feet were tapping all they wanted to do was run my legs were shaking and my bladder was so full I felt like I would burst when I was a nervous I always had to pee.

Would his mom think I wasn't pretty enough? TJ is handsome he deserved a gorgeous girl mom's were always protective of their baby boys. Would she think I was too ditzy ? Too immature? Would she hate that I had no parents around and just a goofy older brother who wasn't acting as goofy as normal but more annoying. Would she blame me for TJ being distracted ? What if his grades slipped would I be the reason? Deep breaths I told myself stop shaking you'll look stupid. Freddie's mom hated me why wouldn't TJ's? At least Mrs. Benson knew me. True Mrs. Benson was crazy but she loves Freddie. Oh no would TJ's mom be crazy to ? Please God No I couldn't take another crazy lady.

_Hey baby girl.._

TJ flung open the door grinning at me I breathed out a long hard sigh of relief he laughed god he looked amazing in his tight blue jeans and buttoned down dress shirt. Grey with pink and white pin stripes.

_What's wrong? You weren't nervous were you?_

I still couldn't speak I just parted my fingers slightly he laughed taking my fingers his hands were rough but gentle. He parted them further and I couldn't deny so we just laughed till he engulfed me into a hug which sunk into.

When we parted he leaned in and kissed me his lips were rough like his hands but just like his hands which comforted me his lips relaxed me. I wrapped my arms around him and sighed.

_Ew Gross ..._A little girl's voice scared me as she stuck out her tongue holding a cat .

_Cassie May you need to stop come on in Carls _

He took my hand and my bag.

_Thanks_

_Always baby girl _He kissed my head.

_Your pretty what's wrong with your brain?_

I blushed feeling inches lower did she just ask me if I was stupid? Did my head look funny to her? I felt my head..

_Carly relax Cassie May _His tone was inpatient

_What? I'm just trying to say she's pretty why would she be with a ugly wacky thing like you? Unless she's dumb. _

_That's Enough Cassandra May _

_Oh I'm soo scared what are you going to do tell mamma?_

_If I have to and she'll_

_Baby you like always TJ and ground me cause I'm just the littlest why baby the baby when the real baby is.._

_Cassie.._

_What didn't you tell your girlfriend?_

_Cassandra!_

Another girl came in Cassie jumped and the cat went flying meowing

_Lea can you please _

_Yea sure bro if you remember your manners_

_Yea right sorry _he sighed

_Carly Shay this is my sister Lea Kristina she's 16_

I shock her hand she was shorter by a few inches 5'3 but slender with smooth olive skin deep brown eyes long wavy hair. Which was a darker brown almost black but highlighted a light blond with purple and pink streaks she had a very exotic beauty to her. Her bangs were cute she was dressed Bohemian style but casual.

_I like your style_

_Aw thanks staying for supper? _

_Sure sounds great _

_Cool nice to meet you I better go check on Cassie TJ behave.._

_I take lessons from you darling sis you better be a good teacher_

_Aren't you funny you can't teach a old dog a new trick and your as old as they come_

_Hey go away! _

_Sorry Carly Cassie's a handful and Lea is just sarcastic _

_Your the best teacher master_

_Yes Ma'am _he rolled his eye I giggled she slapped his arm.

_It's okay I know about handful's _

We both laughed going into the kitchen

_Hungry? thirsty? _

_Acutely can I use a bathroom?_

_Oh sure no prob babe_

He laughed

_Thanks I gotta pee bad_

Once inside I locked the door leaning against it sighing my head was spinning .Quickly I relived myself

splashing my face.

_Feeling better baby girl?_

_Yes much thanks , _I came over to where he was slide in his lap he looked up at me grinning as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

We talked into the afternoon about what we learned in school that day .He helped me with my homework we discussed Halloween and Thanksgiving.

Before I knew it the door banged opened and two younger boys came bounding inside arguing.

_No way Superman beats pack-man any day _

_No way Superman is lame dude he can be taken down Pack-man lives on forever_

_TJ ! _Both shouted TJ was staring at me our heads bowed together our lips touching our fingers running through each others hair.

_What? _

He sighed

_Tell him!_

_No tell him!_

_Boys stop fighting Superman and Pack-man are equally awesome Superman saves people and Pack-man can eat a whole village and not get sick both awesome!_

_Now settle down and wash up do your homework ._

Both boys stuck their tongues out at each other as they shouted

_He agreed with me!_

_No me! Lame Brain_

_Enough Your being rude!_

_Who's the pretty girl hanging on your tongue? _

I held his face leaning mine against his check he held my back and legs.

_Carly this rug rat_

He pointed to the taller of the two with light brown hair spiked frosted blond hair.

_Is Eleven Year Old Scotty Glenn Alan _

_Please to meet ya you sure are a pretty thing _

He shock my hand he was a future heart breaker no question asked.

_Thanks I'm glad to meet you to by the way my brother thinks Superman is the man he once dressed as him for a whole year .._

_Ha ha what was he eight?_

_No 22_

_Oh that's awesome! See told ya loser!_

_Shut -Up _ The younger boy brushed him off coming over to me.

_I'm Douglas Jed DJ as My friends call me and I'm nine and a half don't listen to my lame headed bro either_ _you ain't pretty.._

_DJ that's rude!_

_No Scotty lying to a girl telling them their pretty is.._

_No that's sweet what should you say you ugly get a face lift?_

My head was spinning I was blushing hard so did they think I was ugly? I needed a face lift?

TJ looked mortified..

_She ain't pretty Loser she's beautiful or as you teens say she's " HOT"_

TJ and I laughed his brothers were adorable DJ looked like him darker skin like TJ but with lighter hair. Scotty looked like Cassie with their huge eyes and lighter skin and hair.

_Hello a little help here!_

The door slammed open again a woman's voice called out I slide from his lap as he clapped shoving the boys.

_Sorry it's my ma Carly let me help her babe sit down _

He pulled out a chair to let me in the booth as we kissed quick.

_No apologies that's sweet go on.._

Once the groceries were put away which I offered to help with but they wouldn't listen to me. We sat down to talk. His mom was my height dressed in jeans a t-shirt with a message on it " _My agenda is full today and tomorrow looks just as busy_" his mom was funny and quick witted she reminded me of Sam just less abrasive.

I checked my messages to see she had texted me I smiled in relief.

_Sam?_

He asked as I nodded he grinned.

_Told ya she would be fine babe _

_I know I just worry_

_It shows your a caring friend Sam's lucky to have you_

TJ leaned over and wrapped his arm over my shoulders and pulled me into a kiss I sunk into his arms slightly embarrassed.

_So TJ tells me your a dancer and a straight A student?_

_Yes Ma'am _

_Do you enjoy school?_

_Yes for the most part_

_What plans have you made for college?_

_I applied to UCLA,NYU, Julliard, __California State University-Long Beach, San Diego State University,_

_Temple University ,__University of Arizona, Bard College, Cornish College of Arts, _

_I want a Major in TV Productions and a minor in Music .._

_Sounds like you have good solid goals Carly_

_I do Ma'am my brother has made sure of it_

_Wonderful I would love to meet him one day_

_Likewise I'm sure_

_TJ you can show Carly around and visit in your room remember the rules young man_

_Yes Ma'am door open answer when you yell no loud music no sex.._

I chocked on my Wahoo Punch

_Not that I have any plans or would.._

He pounded my back she looked alarmed .

_Sorry Carly it's not that we don't trust you or TJ b__ut it's a rule for our older kids_

_You okay baby girl?_

I nodded slowly he brushed my hair back off my face lifted my chin I looked into his eyes and we both fell forward laughing.

His house was very modern in decorations I loved the colors his room was on the main floor spacious a soft blue with matching bed covers a soft peach fuzzy rug a desk with a computer and a laptop a dresser of oak a TV stand with a 32 inch flat-screen TV a game station with every game console possible a wall of books and CD's and DVD's a stand with guitars and a drum-set. A electric piano and still plenty of room to move around.

We sat on the bed he pulled me close .

_Sorry about that craziness_

_It's cool babe your family's nice_

_Yea their insane but I love them enough of them though. I want more of this.. _

He picked up my chin looking me in my eyes

_You want more of what? _

He grinned

_This.._

His lips crashed into mine I closed my eyes savoring it myself I pulled myself into it.

We were panting hot and sweating when his mom called he swallowed a swig of water fixing my shirt which was half off and unbuttoned.

_Yea Ma' were here_

_Dinner's almost ready 10 minutes get your brothers_

_Kay Ma'_

He fixed my bra and shirt I was shaking and panting he kissed my check .

_You Okay? _I nodded.

Dinner was fun I met his dad who was tall and built with graying hair he was dressed in a designer suit TJ told me he was a pediatric Surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital. He was tired I could see the strain on his face but he was all smiles as he picked up Cassie and high fived his kids while helping his wife finish dinner.

It was awesome hearing them exchange stories about their days his dad talked about the kids he was treating his mom who is a pediatric Neurosurgeon asked about a few kids which he answered Lea told everyone she was voted captain of her varsity lacrosse team, she was also voted president of the school choir.

Cassie told us about this new kid she met at kindergarten who's name is Lexi and Lexi was really pretty and smart.

After dinner TJ and I went to his room we started talking about Politics when Lea came inside and flopped on her brother's bed. He shoved her she shoved her back all three of us started to laugh,

_I put the brat down for a nap_

_Thanks _

_You owe me_

He sighed rolling his eyes

_I get the feeling you won't forget to collect_

_Not a chance Bro you can start now _

_Um can you see I'm a bit busy _

_Yea and I heard Carly say she wanted to apply for a minor in music _

_Yea I did so how did I get into this conversation? _

_Well if you are into music that bad you must know how to play or sing?_

_I can play guitar piano and sing yea why? _

_Cause I want to jam and I need another guitar player my bass player Elliot is grounded for who knows how long._

_What did Preppy Elliot do? _

_Got a girl pregnant and her dad was flipping out ready to sue him_

_I thought he was gay Lea?_

_He is anyway so who's in?_

_Okay I can jam with you now Lea _

_Awesome TJ?_

_Sure why not since my girl was just swept from under me I'm a free agent now_

We jammed together for over 2 hours at the end I sung one of my songs Sam and I wrote.

_**Flat On The Floor**_

_Sometimes we have to fall to gain our wings_

_Life has taught me many things this lesson is prominent_

_I'm from a small country town_

_Where the corner store is the place to be_

_Where our tractors are our wheels_

_I love to sit by the lake with my sweetheart on my arm_

_Watching the stars go by_

_Wondering where do they go when daylight overtakes the night-time sky_

_Oh-oh-oh _

_This world can be so big and open _

_So much to explore it can make you feel so lost_

_When I lose my way I look to the sky_

_It brings me back. _

_Back to lazy summer days_

_On the beach of __Rehoboth _

_Sippin' Lemonade whistling Dixie _

_Girls in tight bikini's and boys strutting their ..big.._

_Oh-Oh-oh _

_**Chorus**_

_Those days they seem so long ago memories of them_

_They leave me flat on the floor_

_Yea those were the days the memories we made_

_Skipping school chucking corn drinking Birch beer_

_Dreaming of bigger and better things _

_Laughing with you Falling down not caring if we ever got back on_

_Flat on The Floor_

_We couldn't wait to ditch this trick of a town_

_Now I wonder Why did those days go by so fast?_

_Could I just stop and go back?_

_Bring back those days of yesterday_

_Bittersweet Memories engraved in my mind_

_Momma humming a tone from that rickety radio_

_The aroma of fresh baked homemade butter pecan pie_

_Sweet tea done just right country living_

_**Verse 2 **_

_How I wish I could freeze those memories_

_Bring back my high school days treasure those days of blissful innocence that we didn't know_

_Wouldn't last_

_Life moves so fast _

_I'm standing here amidst Holly-Wood glitz_

_I'm Flat On The Floor _

_Will I survive in this new world?_

_Will I find Love?_

_Live My Dreams?_

_Will I crawl back home head hung in shame?_

_Will it be such a bad thing to go back and live those days? _

_Again? _

_Forever in one small town?_

_Can I be happy if I never try?_

_If I try and fail will I be happy knowing what might have been_

_Will I discover_

_Country Living it ain't that bad_

" _You wrote that Carly?_

_Well my friend Sam and I did for our acting class we were suppose to be thinking of our characters and_

_What life they were living _

_That's awesome _

_Thanks Sam's really talented with making words flow_

_I would love to meet her one day_

_Sure Lea just to warn ya Sam's loud and can be harsh but she's a really sweet person_

_Fair warning_

_Well Thanks Carly I should get ready for bed_

_Yea I better go to_

I hugged her she smiled punching TJ's arm

He walked me to my car we stood by it he took me in his arms we kissed for a good three minutes. I stumbled as he pushed me back against the door, I groaned as his lips pushed against mine hard moaning I fumbled to hold onto him so I wouldn't fall my chest rising and falling as my lungs begged for air that I refused to give it not wanting to break our kiss.

I didn't want to leave I wanted to stay in his warm embrace have my lips punching his lips but his dad turned on the porch light making it clear we were being watched.

_Guess you better go baby girl text me when you get in so I know your safe_

_I will TJ thanks I had fun tonight your family's cool_

_Never had that said about them before but thanks they loved you just like I knew they would soon will go on a real date I called my friend he's all physic to date Sam.._

_You told him about her?_

_Yes he's still happy_

_God bless him_

_I know so what day is good for you?_

_Dance tomorrow and the next how bout Friday?_

_Sure sounds awesome_

_Great be-careful going home baby_

One more kiss and I was on my way home happily singing to my Cd.


	43. Chapter 43 FireBall

**Fire-Ball **

**Carly's P.O.V**

The apartment was pitch black when I walked inside quietly I closed the door locking it. I couldn't believe it was after 12 am sighing cause I wasn't caught I headed to the steps.

_Freeze!_

_Ah!_

I screamed as a light filled the air and I saw Spencer hanging from the living room ceiling.

_What are you doing? _

_You almost gave me a heart attack!_

_Oh you know hanging around testing out my self made spy gear ._

He pressed a button on a metal contraption which was I suppose a vest around his chest it started to make noise and it jerked him up and down as he screamed.

I heard a pop and looked up

_Spencer your on fire!_

_Ah get me down!_

I ran over pressing buttons on the base it only made it worse jerking him back and forth and getting faster as he flew through the air and then snapped up and down his arms flapped as his legs twisted this would not be pretty.

It got faster and suddenly the wire snapped sending him flying through the air like a ball of fire.

_Oh Fig newtons save me already!_

_I'm trying and I'm not Figgy_

_I'm fruity and Delicious_

At least that's what TJ told me after we made out for two hours. Not that Spencer needed to hear that .

_Help me who ever you are! _

Too late Crash he landed on his creation of choc and cheese oh Sam would be crushed about that one.

_Spencer are you okay?_

He was laying on his back eyes rolled back as he groaned covered in a mess of brown and yellow not pretty I was so right.

_Yea Kiddo I'm good I'm just going to rest here for awhile_

_Well okay good-night then I'm going to bed_

_Okie Doki Smokey_ Half-way up the steps

_Wait a second_

_Yes Spencer? The burn cream is on the top shelf_

_No I wasn't going to well okay thanks _

_I may need that_

_Sam will be down with a wrench to get you out of that _

_I wasn't going to ..Well yea I may need that to_

_Okay I'll tell her feel better Spencer I'm going.._

_Your grounded Carly _

_Rats.._

_One Month Carly No TJ, No Phone ,No TV, No internet nothing_

_Not fair _

_Plenty fair_

_I didn't do anything wrong_

_You lied to me again _

_No No I didn't_

_No library is open past 10 it's after 12 where were you?_

I was stuck arms crossed I glared

_What about Sam's P.O ?_

_Sam proved she can be trusted so I will let her go by herself_

_You trust the one who's been in Juvie more then you trust me!_

_Sam hasn't lied to me you have twice go to bed Carly it's done_

_I won't be able to see him till almost Thanksgiving!_

_A month and a week Carly keep talking you won't see him to Christmas which will still be too soon for me. _

_I hate you Spencer!_

I stormed up the steps and slammed the door Sam jumped from where she was laying on our bed in a pair of boy shorts which clung to her butt so tight they were pale pink with yellow writing on it saying Baby Doll. She had on my pear pod Holly-Wood UnDead blasting.

I threw my bag down my face flaming I was so mad I couldn't see straight think straight nothing made sense. I wanted to cry I started pacing Sam took off her headphones .

_Carly Girl what's wrong? Come here Momma's here_

That did it as soon as she opened her arms I busted into tears . She scurried over to me wrapping her arms around me as I bawled falling to the floor curled up in her arms . She rocked me back and forth running her hands through my hair over my back.

_Calm down Carly Girl momma won't let anyone hurt you_

_I kn..o..w..t..h..a..n..k..s b..a..b..e_

I spilled my story to her she sat listening to me holding me .

Around one she got me laughing as she helped me into bed we lay there remembering all the funny times we had together.

She fell asleep before I did so I cleared her books that she had been studying from so she would have more room, her arm curled over her face like she was protecting herself. I wondered what that was all about , I moved her so she would be more comfortable as she curled closer to me I couldn't help but smile she was so cute.

I couldn't help but notice how sexy she was in her shorts her strong legs which were toned from all the dance and hard yard work. Her skin was milky white as short as she is those shorts made her look taller. My eyes scanned her whole body God she looked amazing between those damn shorts and her sports bra which had stains of BBQ sauce on it. How did she get her stomach so flat and eat as much as she did. I ran my hands over it , she moaned slightly why did that send a warm sensation through my legs?

I wanted her flatness I didn't want TJ to think I was flabby when we finally did it.

Why was I looking at Sam and seeing these things? Like how she slept with one leg out of the covers her left one to be exact. How she laid on her right side or her back but never her left. Her right check was buried in a pillow a tiny spot of drool coming out.

I wiped away her drool giggling as I cuddled her close what did it mean if I was thinking about Sam in that way? Why was I just seeing these things? Why was I noticing how firm her breasts were as they were pressed against mine? Why did my nipples harden? Why did her lips look so full and pleasant?

Stop it Carly you miss TJ so damn much your seeing him in Sam your a sick freak Shay.


	44. Chapter 44 Raise Your Glass

**Sam's p o v**

**Raise Your Glass**

Carly and I were both late as we got up after we had grabbed quick showers we ran down I grabbed two bottles of OJ and Spencer held out two Breakfast Sandwich's. Carly didn't even look at him or speak to him I saw the look of hurt on his face. I felt bad for him I was starting to see how much it took to be a parent and I gave him props he gave up his life at a young age to care for a sister he didn't have to , my mom didn't even give a damn about me and she had a obligation.

The day passed by quick Carly was on edge all day I hated seeing her so tense so I did everything possible to ease her tension rubbing her back carrying her books taking notes for her. Even doing a test for her she was so angry all she wanted was too skip school. I did everything to keep her calm but it didn't work she snapped at Mrs. Briggs and got three detentions.

After school I hugged Carly and told her tips on how to survive detention then I texted TJ to tell him what had happened.

I headed to my P.O praying the drugs had left my system I had been taking more and more.

I had to hear that my reports from my therapist were less then what was required and that it was a volition. That if I didn't start talking I would get a strike and a warrant for my arrest.

I was pissed they never said I had to talk just show up I showed up that should count for something right?

It's more then most kids on probation did .

Out of pure emotion not thinking I kicked a chair she jumped up and I ran.

I texted Spencer saying I was staying at Wendy's to work on a project and texted her to cover for me.

Ryan's was a lot calmer this time of the day that chick was there by Zac she had a nice built not insanely tall or too short long jet black hair to her back pale skin a tear tattoo under her left eye two eyebrow rings in her left brow a nose ring on her left side. Tight black jeans that clung to her a black mini top that revealed her plump breasts Gothic boots that went to her knee's metal bracelets. Her nails were black with skulls on the tips.

She smiled at me as she handed me some weed I took it without thinking it calmed me down.

_Sam meet Veronica Katelyn Aka Tori or Blaze_

_She'll be your partner tonight after a little test I know Ryan said you were cool but I need to know you can handle yourself out there..._

Zac was pressed up against me over towering me but I stood my ground and stared him in his eyes was I fucking crazy? Just high? Both?

All I knew was I didn't care at that point.

He backed off smiling as he handed me vodka I gulped it down he poured another I swallowed that and the next three.

We were outside I knew something was about to go down I just didn't know what my sense's were at high alert Tori was stroking my face. I could feel something in the air she was staring me down she had on black gloves with metal studs on them I licked my lips looking around.

_Relax Puckett Your in good hands I promise_

My face snapped back as a burst of cold air blew past me and I was on the ground gasping in pain the burst of air was my body being hurled to the ground as Tori punched me in my gut then my face sending me flying ,before I could react. She was on me punching me hitting me screaming now I knew why she was called Blaze she was lighting fast as she attacked me it took me a second to gain my focus but I responded pouncing on her she grabbed my arm twisting it back. I screamed as I tried to kick her she pulled me up a sharp blow to my stomach sent me down as two other girls joined in. I was pissed all over again and my whole body on fire as I snapped kicking them both whipping my feet around smashing them in the face then Tori in her private. I attacked my fists plunging their faces they fell trying to fight me off but I was off my feet kicking them in their stomach's, faces, heads. I heard bone cracking as I bit them and spit on them blood poured out. Nothing could calm me I just kept hitting and kicking. Tori had to pull me off I was so mad my face was on fire I couldn't breathe right I felt sick.

_Calm Down Bones you passed _

She wiped the blood from my lips as Zac got the two girls out of there they looked on the verge of tears as they ran scared shit less of me. I smiled and spit after them growling they screamed and ran.

Tori pounded my back as I started to laugh she held me laughing with me.

_We found our Girl Zac_

_Yes we did Tori yes we did now get her cleaned up we have a mission to complete_

Tori took off my shirt in Ryan's bathroom. I was dizzy and still reeling did I just get jumped in? What the hell had I done? I felt her staring at me as she cleaned my cuts up she was beautiful really tough looking but pretty her Emerald eyes shining bright. I felt my body flush as she touched me what was happening to me? I shouldn't feel this way should I? She was a girl I was a girl it was wrong it was immoral.

She made quick work of cleaning me up then she was all business she threw away my clothes and helped me change into new ones black cargo pants which she also put on and a tank top of blue. Then she handed me a Blue Hoodie and a bandana .

We packed two bags silently as Zac watched in the car he turned to us.

_The Mission is simple this asshole Victor owes our Boy Ryan over 2 grand your job is get it back by any means .._

He handed me something I looked down and swallowed it was a 48 revolver .

_You know how to use one right Puckett?_

_Chiz Yea Uncle Carmine taught me when I was eight _

_Good man your uncle it's fully loaded just keep track of what you use this asshole's 200 lbs he shouldn't be too hard to scare._

_You two need to lean on each other you'll be paid in full after the job is done. Got it?_

We nodded lifting our hoodies over our heads. The bandana's over our faces we slipped our gloves on ..

_Lets move remember nicknames only Bones_

_Got ya Blaze_

The house we moved in on was in the middle of a four unit we broke into the window in back disabled the alarm music was pouring out from the back.

She fingered to me 1..2..3..

We charged inside breaking down the door the room was smokey dark and smelled like sex and booze reminded me of living with mom.

_Get on the floor Mutha Fucka's now!_

We started shooting up in the air the room was filled with people some were giving lap dances till we came in and they hit the floor screaming one guy was caught with his pants down nasty freak. I made sure to fire in his direction he was so scared he pissed himself , I laughed. I shock my head moving through the crowd.

_Get on the fucking floor!_

_We will shoot you if you don't listen!_

_Where the hell is Victor!_

Someone pointed to the piss man who was almost having a heart attack we moved to him she indicated for me to watch for hero's. While she went over and kicked him in his balls he groaned and fell she put the gun to his head. I didn't hear what she said cause my attention was caught to some stupid fool who tried take me down so I kicked him in his stomach smashing the gun over his head then I kneed him in his chest he fell limp without stopping. I grabbed the money from his wallet and his credit cards his gun his pack of smokes and his weed. Shoved them in my pocket as Tori came back with the money.

We took off running I was scared but only slightly I had enough booze and weed in me to keep me calm as we hauled ass out of there.

Zac picked us up three blocks away and we sped away I was breathless I was never in great physical shape. Finally we pulled our masks off high fiving we were soaked in sweat. Music was blasting we didn't talk Tori was laughing like crazy though which got me laughing.

Zac dropped us off a block from a motel and told us to go wait in room 209 he would be by with our payment when things calmed down.

Once inside we lowered the blinds locked the doors we both needed a shower so we went in I wasn't even nervous. She was a girl so it wasn't like she didn't have what I had right?

I watched her face as she danced in excitement as the warm water poured over our naked bodies. She was cute without even thinking or caring. I reached my hands up and caressed her face she smiled as she pulled me close I gasped as my warm body was pulled to her soaking wet form she laughed I gasped as her hand suddenly came up my leg squeezing my lower half producing a from my dry long moan cracked lips. Her fingers slide up I let out a soft groan as they entered me pressing myself closer running a hand over her back as she went in and out of me making me moan and squeal. I kissed her neck sucking on it ..

_Shy baby don't be shy I will bite but I promise I won't break skin unless you like it like that_

_You'll love me by the time were done.._

I leaned in and let my lips crash into hers silencing her her fingers pressed further into my private.

Somehow we made it to the bed where she started to kiss my nipples sucking on them making me moan. Hands over flesh lips on lips , lips on breasts my stomach rose and fell as her tongue entered me making my body moan as it heated up. I gripped the sheets spreading my legs apart even more so she had better access my moans only got louder and longer as she went in harder and faster.

When we were done we lay there in each others arms she opened a bottle of champagne we clicked glasses as we sipped our drinks.

_Bet you didn't expect this kid_

_No _

_Funny how life works out huh?_

_Yea ha ha So how long did you know?_

She looked at me her eyes burning into mine it was a good question how long did I know? Did I really know? Was it more then just a feeling?

_I'm not sure my emotions are a jumble right now_

_Who says Teenage years are the best times of your life?_

_Fucking idiots who forget what it's like to be young_

We raised our glasses and clicked.

_I've known since I was 12 or 13 _

_That young Tori?_

_Yea I always had a good sense of who I was some called it cocky _

_I grew up in a strict catholic family who attended church everyday we lived in a small town in Canada had the same friends since I was 3. I was the oldest in my family it was expected I get the best grades only do the proper things. Dad worked at a factory Mom as a Sunday school teacher. I have two little sisters and a younger brother I had to be miss perfect ya know take ballet like a good girl play the piano .._

_Well when I was 13 I got sick of it I met this girl named Cat she was 17 she went to the church we did but my parents hated her cause she had the balls to dress differently dye her hair pink and wear earrings in places besides her ears.. we started hanging out she was funny and smart and she could sing she had dreams, plans..we went to a party and she gave me my first drink she introduced me to her friends who were all wild and cool like her. We kissed she was my first kiss ever I didn't need to kiss a boy to know I just did …_

Her hand worked through my hair as I kissed her nipples she smiled as my tongue worked it's way over she shivered.

Our bodies were pressed together the warmth of our bodies beat out the cold as I listened to her talk.

_Were you scared at all?_

_Honey ya know_

She lit some weed up and we shared it..

_I was so young that I didn't even know I should be scared it just felt right so I went with it_

_I followed Cat when I was 14 we made plans to run away so we robbed a bank and stole a car which we ditched after a few towns and hitch hiked stealing cars in each town .. we took shelter wherever we could find it we liked church attics who would think to look there. She was wild and made me laugh one time when we were high on LSD and weed we were hiding in the church and she showed me how to make love to a girl it was my first time and I could hear the priest going on about sinners and burning in hell and we were having sex._

_It was amazing after that we took every chance we got to have sex where ever when ever it's my high sex I don't need drugs or alcohol I like them but all I need is good sex._

_So was I uh ya know …_

_Hun _

She looked at me eyes glazed over but sparking.

_Yes honey you were amazing_

_Best I ever had better then Cat even.._

I sat up looking at her she cupped my breasts in her hands …

_Seriously?_

She ran her tongue over my full breasts starting to suck ..

_Yes I never joke about my sex..._

Zac came 3 hours later grinning when he saw us fixing ourselves up he handed us our cuts. I felt his eyes linger over me which made me uneasy.

Tori put her arms around me and stared him down he seemed to get the message not to mess with me and backed off.

The high was coming off and I started to worry now she held me and looked at me..

_Were too good for this Sam.._

_Huh? _

_This life your still free you can get out what I did when I was 14 it screwed me for Life I can never get out now too many people know I would be ratted out in seconds but you have a chance to live. Take it get out this isn't for you.._

_It's not too late for you .._

_Yea it is besides I owe Cat.._

_What ever happened to her why aren't you two together?_

_She took the fall for me the cops caught up to us when we were in La meeting up with her sister who was going to put is up and she made me run when they were chasing me I ran into gang Territory her sister tried to save me but she got shot and died I promised Cat I would find who did it and make them pay she coped a plea swearing she acted alone._

_Have you ever found that person?_

_Yea and that person will pay I'm just waiting..._

_We need to get you to school promise me something.._

_What's that Tori?_

_If I help you with your music promise me you won't touch this shit again and you'll stay out of this life..you got your money pay your fine stay in school and do well._

_It's a hard promise to keep but you remind me of my best friend she would be devastated If she knew what I did so yea I promise as long as we can keep seeing each other._

_I wouldn't have it any other way Raise Your Glass Sam it's going to be a great year!_

_So raise your glass if you are wrong  
>In all the right ways<br>All my underdogs, we will never, never be  
>Anything but loud and nitty gritty, dirty little freaks<em>

_Won't you come on and come o, and  
>Raise your glass<br>Just come on and come and  
>Raise your glass <em>


	45. Chapter 45 Someone To Fall Back On

**Someone To Fall Back On**

**Sam's p . o .v**

Weeks passed by Carly was beyond pissed and hurt she still wasn't talking to Spencer who was trying everything to get her to smile or talk to him. I was using it to my advantage I was sneaking out to see Tori who was helping me in my music she was teaching me about scales and how to write a score. She was amazing the more I got to know her the more I really started to respect her and admire her she was trying to change her life she wanted to go to college but she was trapped by these demons and decisions from her past. She was teaching me how to play the piano which was painfully slow .

It made us laugh though she cooked me dinner on most nights and boy was she an amazing cook she made the best ham and bacon melts. I really liked her roommates a girl named Justine and her girlfriend Jamie and another girl named Avery who was quiet and smart she didn't interact much with us she was usually out with her boyfriend Jared.

The more time I spent with her I discovered more about myself like I was accepting that I was gay whatever that really meant. I just wasn't in love with her not the way she deserved yet she didn't seem to mind that I wasn't in love with her. She was funny and a great lover we made love almost every week sometimes more then once but she was always gentle with me.

She was helping me to study and stay off of the drugs which wasn't easy my body was craving them and it was hard to focus without them. I was still sneaking them just not all the time.

She became my confident I found I could talk to her and she listened even if she didn't understand she could find ways to help me out.

Music became my way to escape when things went south like my emotions whenever Carly was upset I hated seeing her so beside herself. I spent countless hours hearing her cry her heart out over TJ and Spencer. It broke me in half I loved her so much and I couldn't tell her cause she only had eyes for TJ who was a perfectly nice guy so I couldn't hate him even though every time I saw him with his hands on her his eyes on her I wanted to rip him apart.

I wanted to tell Carly that I was gay but she wouldn't understand how could gorgeous, smart, sweet Carly Shay ever get what it was like to feel like a freak to feel less then perfect to be different? Carly did everything she could to be apart of the in crowd.

I would run my hands through her hair and kiss her check as I talked her down and all I wanted was to kiss her and smell her sweetness.

I hated seeing her so unhappy she couldn't focus in class anymore she spent all her time texting TJ from my phone and waiting for his answers. I was going insane trying to keep us both afloat it gave me a new perspective for what she went through for years with me.

Sick of it I took action telling Spencer I was taking her out shopping for Christmas presents since we were trying to beat black Friday he agreed only cause it got her out of the apartment during his book club. She whined the whole way right up till we got to the restaurant where we met TJ and his friend Kenny who seemed nice enough he was cute I guess for a boy.

Carly and TJ spent the entire time making out I don't think they broke for air for more then a few minutes the entire time. Kenny was trying to talk to me but I had no interests.

I just smiled and acted like I cared that he had a Bmx bike that he had won tons of championships with he didn't seem to notice I was bored out of my mind. Carly didn't either not that she could since she was sucking face with TJ the whole time.

The food was great it filled me up and warmed me TJ was feeding Carly who was in his arms not wanting to move they shared a drink and feed each other from their own plates it was kind of sickening

while we waited for desert they made out again. I was envious okay I admit it I wanted to be the one holding her and kissing her. She looked so fucking gorgeous with her hair all shiny and her makeup done lightly her flower sundress and her long legs looking well perfect.

Yea I was sleeping with Tori but I was still madly in love with Carly.

I screamed as I felt something crawling up my leg I jumped back to see Kenny sitting there looking like a cat that caught the cannery. I was pissed and scared as I flashed back to when I was 10.

We were celebrating some award Melanie had gotten Mom was all drunk and happy as we sat in this fancy restaurant with her latest boyfriend some wall street type dude who was loaded. I was next to him and Mel was being all dotted on by Mom who was playing with her hair and telling her what a good girl she was and how she was so proud of her while this dude was putting his hand between my legs telling me I was a dirty girl and I was never going to be like Mel unless I cleaned up my act he kept whispering for me to be quiet or he would hurt me. He put his fingers inside of me and I had to sit there acting like I was fine.

When I couldn't take it anymore I said I had to pee and ran to the bathroom where I threw up everything.

Carly looked at me as my breathing was erratic. I ran into the bathroom and threw up why did I freak he was only feeling up my leg he was harmless just a teenage boy. My breathing was still labored as I leaned against the wall holding back sobs. She was by me in a instant holding me as I fought them off she kept telling me it was okay to cry to let it out. That she was my fall back person we all needed one but I refused.

Not because I didn't want to I did I was tired of living like this it hurt too much but because I was afraid she would reject me be ashamed of me hate me kick me out and I needed her in more ways then one.

Once I calmed down we went back out she made me sit by her and TJ and kept evil eying Kenny who really was a sweet kid and I felt bad for him it wasn't his fault I had these demons in me.

Spencer was trusting me he was delighted I had earned money to pay off my fine he didn't even flinch when I told him I had a job but I had quit I mean it wasn't a lie right..?

I just left out the details of the job...

It was easy to sneak Carly out with him trusting me we would meet TJ every night his book club met I would work on my music which was flowing nicely Tori had convinced me to audition for a program at

the local Community College which helped young wannabe artiest. I was working on a few pieces to preform for them it was tricky. I was never good at learning new skills she figured out I was dyslexic and that's why what Ryan gave me worked so well, she made me talk to Mrs. Cosgrove about it who prescribed medication for me , Spencer was so proud of me for taking those steps he made us our favorite dinner. Spaghetti Taco's I was in a great mood when he sat us down and smiled taking my hand.

_Sam you've been through so much in these last few months and I couldn't be prouder of you for helping yourself.._

_I want you to know just how happy I am that you are with us _

I looked at him he was nervous Carly was smiling at me not at him but she did at least look at him.

_I think living here has been good for you what about you how do you feel?_

It was the first time someone really asked me how I felt about something _._I thought about it long and hard before nodding.

_I feel good Spence it was rocky at first but yea I do think being here has been awesome for my self esteem._

_It's nice to know I have a place I can go to where I feel safe and loved and I can be myself.._

_Feeling Safe and Loved should be natural in a kid's home it's beyond me how anyone could hurt a child Sam and not want their own kid._

_Well you never have to worry about that when your here and I want you here permanently_

_That's what the courts did when they placed me here right?_

_Not exactly what they did was give me Temporary Guardianship they removed you from your home but they never stripped your mom of her rights. She could still come back and fight and say she cleaned her act up and get you back.._

_I won't go!_

_They can't make me!_

_Sit down Sam no one will make you I made sure of that now _

_What do you mean? What did you do?_

_Sam this is up to you .._

I stared at him confused as I looked at the paper he was handing me I didn't understand I was shaking.

Carly held my hands as she sat by me and held me.

_It says that Spencer wants to adopt you make you his little sister or technically his daughter your mom singed away her rights so he could make it legal._

_She just signed away her rights like that with no fight?_

I felt sick I mean I knew I meant nothing too her but to just give me up with no fight? I meant that little to her he avoided my eyes.

_Spencer please be honest with me.._

_Did she fight for me?_

_Yea Sam she did _

For some reason I felt a little better till I saw his smile weaver into a frown he looked at Carly who for the first time looked him in his eyes I felt deflated again.

_What aren't you telling me?_

_Sam she didn't fight to keep you she fought Spencer in taking you unless he paid her_

_What she sold me for a price?_

_Yea but it's over if you want me to go through this I will file this tomorrow..._

_How much?_

I felt sicker and shakier Carly held me kissing my head.

_It doesn't matter Sam I will pay anything to keep you safe she wasn't fit to raise you _

_I want to know Spencer_

_I know you do but I won't tell you it 's irreverent what's important is that you know Carly and I will always be here for you and we will love you protect you and help you if you want us.._

I took a few deep breaths before nodding and saying out loud.

_Yes I want it! Lets do this baby!_

I jumped up slapping high fives with Spencer and Carly who jumped up dancing bumping her hip with mine. I laughed as I tackled her into a hug. She bear hugged me back...

_Awesome now I finally have a cool little sister!_

_Heeeeyyy what the Spencer!_

_Aw face it Carl's your blood and all but we couldn't be further apart if we tried your all preppy and chiz but I could never do this with you .._

_This what?_

_Bombs away!_

We screamed as Spencer threw water balloons at us we ducked for cover as we were hit with Coconutcream Balloons Peach Pie Balloons and more. Finally we found a stash and started pelting him laughing as we were sticky and slipping trying to defend ourselves.

I was so happy I went across the hall and broke into The Benson's apartment hearing Freddie shriek as I threw him over my shoulder was a added bonus. I placed him down on the now Banana Cream couch as he looked at us unsure what was going on.

Spencer and Carly had been hugging when we came in I smiled knowing she had finally forgiven him .

_Okay so I had time to reflect Benson and I get what you did I don't like it but I get it you love Carly and it sucks loving someone and knowing you can never have them it can make you go a little crazy do things you wouldn't normally do. While I still think what you did was Chizness to the max. I forgive you it wasn't so horrible that we should stop being friends. I mean you said you were sorry and everyone should get another chance we all know I have and I did things worse then that._

_Wow really you forgive me? Is this a trick? Am I going to get beat up later is this going to be broadcasting online like trick the nerd the hottest new reality show? _

_Um no I mean I never thought of that but wow great idea_

_Yes you probably will be beat up for old time sake ya know but no it's not a trick I forgive you but I'm warning ya Momma doesn't forget do me dirty again and I will make you cry so hard …_

_Sam.._

_Yes Spencer.._

_Be nice _

_Carly what about you?_

The nerd turned to her she looked at him her eyes were a bit misty..

_If you ever lie to me again it's over for good got it? Ever betray Sam and I swear I will make you bleed and cry faster then a little bit.._

_Carly .._

_I know Spencer I know.._

_Freddie_

_Yea?_

He seemed uncertain

_Come here and give me a hug.._

_Group hug!_

We all embraced..

_Wait so does this mean .._

_Yes!_

_iCarly is back on air or web baby!_

_Gibby!_

He entered shirtless dancing we laughed as we hugged and danced.

It was nice to know that I could always count on these guys.

We went upstairs to plan our first iCarly of our senior year.

We were tossing out ideas left and right it felt great to be doing something that felt so familiar ..

_Hey how about music we should have someone preform everyone loves music right?_

_Great idea nub_

_Thanks Puke Bucket _

_Don't make me puke turn your face it's making me queasy _

_You guys stop .._

_He started.../ She started.._

_Who cares I'll end it.._

_I have a perfect group to they rock _

_Who?_

_TJ's sister's band their called DewStorm _

_They are amazing_

_Awesome think their say yes?_

_Yea I'm sure of it.._

_Sweet their be our opening act _

_Hey Sam what's that .._

_Nothing..._

_I think it's something let me see_

_No nub get off of me!_

_Not till you show me!_

Plenty of grunting and groaning as he tackled me trying to wrestle it from my hands. When did he get so strong?

He mange to rip it from my hands as I was panting and sweating even Carly looked at me strange..

I crossed my arms as he read it out loud..

_You broke my heart today yea you left it out in the cold_

_The night time stars shine down the pieces of my _

_Heart scattered on the ground_

_What did I do to earn this grand jester how did you turn on me?_

_So suddenly I never saw it coming _

_We were one and the same_

_Are you proud of what you did?_

_I trusted you with my everything I gave you the key to my soul _

_I thought you could see through this mask this facade?_

_Did you just not care enough to stick around?_

_When will I learn that trusting always gets me burned_

_When will my heart turn off and stop feeling _

_It should be easy after all the times I had it broken smashed and stepped on_

_Still it beats for love and yearns to be accepted for who I was born to be_

_Was it too much to ask for ?_

_Was I just not good enough?_

_Strong enough Brave enough?_

_I would do anything to get this love returned_

_I will be anything you need me to be_

_I will be your rock against the waves when life's beaches are too rough_

_I will be the star in your sky_

_The moon that lights the way when your heart can't find the sun_

_I will be the faith when hope has gone away_

_I will be your someone to fall back on_

_The post that holds you up when the world sinks in_

_Will you be my other half?_

_You are the best of me the worst of me you are the reason I beat on and the one I know _

_I can always fall back on but will you be the one who returns this love?_

_Will you be the one who breaks my heart and shatters it for all the world to see will you be my _

_Someone to fall back on even if your love leaves me cold on the ground?_

_Oh My God Sam that's awesome you wrote that?_

_Yea _

_Don't be shy baby that's awesome!_

_Yea Puckett pretty impressive_

_Thanks guys.._

They high fived me hugging me Carly whispered

_I will always be the one you can fall back on_

_Thanks Shay.._


	46. Chapter 46 Changes

**Changes**

**Sam's p.o.v**

After school the next day Freddie Carly and I went over to TJ's house she was all excited to see him even though Freddie looked less then thrilled. I texted Tori to tell her I would be later if I could make it at all. I wanted so bad for Carly to meet her but how would I explain it to her? I had never lied to her face. She would see through me and if she found out Tori was 26 she would freak.

TJ grinned when he saw her throwing his arms around her kissing her long and hard she stepped back a but shocked but smiled regaining her composure and kissed back hard.

He introduced us to his mom and sister who was stoked but had to tell us she still had no guitarist which I some how got roped into subbing for him.

I was tired by the time we were done rehearsing but I felt great .

It was a struggle to stay off the drugs every once in awhile I slipped.

Finally in desperation I spilled to Carly I had been using she hugged me yelled at me cried and kissed my head and promised she would help me.

It felt great to know she was supporting me she even went with me and sneaked into the bathroom to pee in a cup for me so I wouldn't fail my test. She wasn't happy and made me promise I wouldn't use again.

It wasn't a easy one to keep school was stressing me out I had never had to study so hard to keep up but I wanted to get into a good college for music and I was so far behind.

Carly was spending so much time with TJ and it killed me I was happy she was happy and he treated her great but I just wanted so bad to be with her.

Some how Freddie and I ended up spending the days I wasn't with Tori together we worked on stuff for iCarly and school projects.

He even helped me put together a video for a few of my songs which was cool it got me featured on splash face.

I was still going to Mrs. Cosgrove but it was getting harder to not spill I was bursting without drugs to keep me calm every-time she tried to get me to remember it was more and more painful.

I was so pissed after one appointment I kicked the wall and started throwing things she was by me holding me in a second. I was breathing hard and feeling dizzy I shoved her away and ran out of the room.

Something had to change I couldn't keep doing this I laid on the floor in the bathroom as the room span and I fought of the urge to take the LSD in my hands.

I just had to keep telling myself that these memories would pass eventually. I stared at the drugs and thought long and hard did I want them?

Did I need them?

Could I do this on my own?

**Gibby's p.o.v**

_No get away from me!_

_You can't make me talk I don't give a damn what the court says!_

_My personal life is my personal chiz no one can make me talk_

_Sam I'm not here to force you I am only here to help you_

_Well your not your hurting me!_

_Leave me alone!_

_I can't Sam I can see your in a ton of pain and it's causing you to make careless decisions_

_Screw you you have no idea what decisions I have made or what I have been through_

_I know what you faced _

_No you don't so stop lying!_

_Sam I have treated many kids in your place_

_I'm not some charity case!_

_What place? You have no idea what my past is.._

_I do Sam and the sooner that you let me help you .._

_Get away from me!_

I watched as she went into a fit of rage and destroyed the office as Jennette as I call her tried to touch Sam I grimaced big mistake.

She flipped on her almost throwing her but Jennette held strong wrapping Sam up in her arms and to my shock Sam sank down...

_I'm sorry mom I'm sorry I didn't mean to ..please.._

_Don't hurt me..please mom I will change I promise.._

_It starts with you Sam you can be the change_

What had Sam's Mom done to her that was so awful she was having breakdowns over it?

I watched as she ran out shaking and near tears ducking behind the wall I squeezed in as hard as I could so she wouldn't see me I did not want my face rearranged.

I needed to find out what had happened when I was sure Sam had left and Jennette was in my Mom's office with her. I sneaked inside I knew what I was doing was wrong but someone needed to help Sam.

My eyes scanned the files words jumped out at me..anger management recommendations, emotional issues no chiz...nothing helpful here ..then I hit jack pot ..

So why did it feel so chizzy?

_Sexual abuse suspected in patient she appears agitated at the mere mention of her past Sam shuts down at the mention of her mom ...has indicated signs of fear when I mention her mom's past boy friends..Sam has scars running up and down her body which are a clear sign of abuse from someone some indicate a pattern of self harm while others are too straight to be done by the patient. According to Doctors reports patient has a torn hymena even though she claims she is a virgin reports indicate massive scarring in her vagina the scars show significant trauma over a long period of time._

_Sam's refusal to talk about these issue has a profound physiological effect on her she has shown signs of mental breakdowns.. drug abuse in her past which she has yet to admit to but was put on record by her friend Fredward Benson..Changes must be made Sam is on the verge of a complete breakdown if she does not open up._

_I am greatly concerned about her and recommend placement in a in patient treatment faculty Stat.._

I was taken back no way this could not be saying what I think it said quickly I made copies of it shoved it back in it's file grabbed the copies and ran like hell.

What was I suppose to do with these? How could I help her? Would she kill me? Thank me? What if Jennette was all wrong?

I paced back and forth all night not eating when Mom called for dinner not answering when Guppy challenged me to a game. I didn't watch wrestling with dad all I did was stay up and think how could this happen? Why Sam? Was this why Sam was so rude and tough cause she had to be? Because someone had already broken her?

I couldn't even look her in her eyes at school the next day. Carly kept asking me what was wrong but I didn't answer. Freddie kept giving me was up looks all day but I would avoid his eyes.

I raced off after class and stayed in the bathroom till the last minute slipping into class just before the bell.

The next few days I spent researching I couldn't go into this blinded she would destroy me I had to be ready.

**Sam's p o v**

Carly and TJ spent every minute together Spencer had finally let TJ come over and after we were out of school he watched us rehearse and helped add ideas which Carly always ah-ed over and Freddie and I gagged over even the good ones.

After rehearsal every day we went to the Groovie Smoothie of course they shared one. We made plans for Christmas shopping it still felt strange at times knowing I never had to go back to that place. I was finally starting to believe I could do it that life could be normal for once. I was proud of myself I was getting C+ and was staying out of trouble I hadn't touched drugs. It was still hard seeing them holding hands knowing that I could never have her but Tori was helping to ease that pain a little and she was staring to show me there were other girls who could be my type. Of course that meant coming out first.

That was the part I was having issues with every night after Carly went to sleep I sat in her window and watched the stars thinking about everything. No answers came shooting down but I did feel at peace.

Jamming with Dew Storm gave me a new confidence Tori's lessons were playing off. By the time Christmas arrived I had passed the first semester with a glowing report card which Spencer celebrated by taking us out to the best restaurant in Seattle. Then we had a crazy music party where everyone came dressed as their favorite music note or artiest.

Christmas day was quite we opened presents at 12 after we crawled out of bed Carly and I made Breakfast so Spencer could relax. Socko and Taylor Came over at 3 so Carly went to see TJ and I went to Tori's.

Tori was so happy to see me her roommates had all gone to see their families so she was alone. I felt so bad for her cause I was feeling so lucky so I made dinner for her and prepared a romantic setting we talked about music and life for hours before we started to kiss settling on the couch to watch a Christmas movie.


	47. Chapter 47 Good Enough

**Good Enough **

**Carly's P.O.V**

TJ was feeling a little under the weather when I got there so I made him chicken soup and we cuddled in his bed listening to music. His family had gone to visit some friends we were alone in the house and let me tell you it felt so amazing. After about a hour he started to feel better so we played a game which somehow turned into a stripping game making me laugh as I grabbed his shirt pulling it off when he refused to play by the rules. I grabbed a little too hard since it somehow came off...oops...I didn't mind staring at his chest his eyes twinkled as he grabbed me and pulled me down so I was sitting in his lap in just my panties and bra. He started tickling me I started laughing and we started kissing the music was soft and it filled my heart with so much joy ….I didn't even try to stop him as he lowered me to his bed climbing on top of me. My arms wrapped around his neck as I pulled him down on me my hands removing his boxers our bodies became entwined as our kisses deepened our tongues played with one another ..clothes what was left on us were scattered flesh on flesh heating up as our squeals morphed into moans of pleasure and groans as he entered me with so much force it was like being ripped open from the inside out three times. Still I didn't mind the hurt was brief quickly replaced by unspeakable pleasure as he pulled out and went back in. I called his name over and over as I felt my whole body pulsation, clinging to the sheets. I let my body take control I had no idea how I knew how to do some of the things I did to him how my hands knew where to go where I knew to kiss or grab when all I knew was that this felt amazing. His lips on my breasts as they pulled and licked sucked and softly bit his lower half grinding as he pumped in and out making my whole inside wet and excited my moans becoming longer and my breathing harder to control my eyes closed as I spread my legs further apart I begged him not to stop as he kept his promise to make me happy.

We made love all night each time was as new and exciting as the first the look of shock on his face when I went under him placing my mouth over his lower half was all I needed to know I was doing the right move I didn't want to be seen as a slut.

I was beaming with happiness as I lay in his arms after-wards his body was so amazing it just felt right .

_Merry Christmas Baby Girl_

_It is Baby it is thank you _

_Carly I should be thanking you I know how precious it is for a girl to give their body for the first time_

_You made me so happy tonight thank you for trusting me.. _

_I love You TJ _

_I love you to Baby Girl_

_TJ can I ask you something?_

_Yes baby .._

_I know I wasn't your first was I ?_

_No Carls we talked about this before.._

_Yea I know and I know your from La and had so many amazing girls after you_

_Well I wouldn't say that but.._

_Was I ..I mean oh good I sound so silly_

_It's not silly Carls if it's important enough to ask_

_Was I ..Did.._

_Was I good enough? I mean did I do okay?_

I played with his nipple making him squirm which made me smile he leaned down looking at me in my eyes without words he leaned in and kissed me. The music played on as he took me in his arms wrapping my bare back in his strong embrace pulling my chest to his my breasts pressed firmly against his chest. I sighed as I let his kisses place me in a trance. I never wanted to let go as I got lost in him and in the words of the song...

**Good Enough lyrics**  
><strong>Songwriters:<strong> Lee, Amy;

_Under your spell again  
>I can't say no to you<br>Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand  
>I can't say no to you<em>

_Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly  
>Now I can't let go of this dream<br>I can't breathe but I feel_

_Good enough  
>I feel good enough for you<em>

_Drink up sweet decadence  
>I can't say no to you<br>And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind  
>I can't say no to you<em>

_Shouldn't let you conquer me completely  
>Now I can't let go of this dream<br>Can't believe that I feel_

_Good enough  
>I feel good enough<br>It's been such a long time coming  
>But I feel good<br>__  
>And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall<br>Pour real life down on me  
>'Cause I can't hold on to anything<em>

_This good enough  
>Am I good enough<br>For you to love me too?_

_So take care what you ask of me  
>'Cause I can't say no<em> 

We kissed long and hard as I closed my eyes laying besides him my head on his chest. I didn't want to let him go but I knew he had to go to La soon he had gotten a call from a record producer who wanted to see him thanks to iCarly.

Spencer and Sam were watching a movie when I came home with a girl I didn't know she looked older a bit rough. Sam was in her arms but as soon as she saw me she jumped out looking alarmed.

_Hey guys was sup? _

_Hey Carls how's TJ feeling?_

_Better Sam thanks_

_Sure.._

She seemed nervous as she looked at Spencer I saw the strange girl take her hand as she stood.

_It's getting late I should go now call me later Sam_

_I ..I.W..i..l...l ..Thanks..._

_Sure baby _

She leaned over glancing at me as she kissed Sam's check I saw Sam blush slightly. I was ready to burst

I needed to tell someone how amazing I felt and I was not in a million years telling Spencer he would rip TJ in two but I knew Sam would be thrilled for me. I just wanted this girl to go who was she how did she know Sam? She had to be older where did she get off hanging with a 17 year old kid? Why did she look like she belonged behind bars oh I hope Sam wasn't hooking up with old friends from Juvie.

_Sam introduce Carl's.._

_Oh right uh yea sorry Tori this is my bestie Carly _

_Carl's meet Tori _

_Hi.._

I extended my hand looking her square in the eyes what were her intentions with Sam? I wanted to ask her but right now I wanted her gone.

_Sam tell Carl's how you met.._

She looked at Spencer like really do I have to? She was sweating and seemed like she wanted to throw up, she opened her mouth to speak but her eyes got big and she ran into Spencer's bathroom.

_Um maybe I should go check on her she's been stressing so bad over everything I think her nerves are at the end._

What the hell did this chick know about Sam and he nerves? I held my hand up and went to check on Sam glaring at this Tori check who was holding her hands together looking nervous herself.

Sam was washing up when I went inside I watched her before I cleared my throat she was looking pale and sweaty talking to herself in a kind of prep talk way but I couldn't hear the words. She jumped when I cleared my throat.

She didn't say a word as we went back out Tori was gone Spencer looked at Sam and motioned for me to go upstairs. Sighing I gave up and did as he said. Laying on my bed I couldn't stop myself from touching myself where TJ had been inside of me only hours before. I knew Sam was in some sort of trouble but right then all I cared about was relieving this amazing night. I didn't hear anyone coming so I unzipped my jeans shaking and nervous sliding my fingers down my stomach and inside my panties till I felt the moistness as my fingers slide inside I pulled in and out moaning softly as my already juiced up hormones kicked into high gear and within minutes I had exploded all over.

By the time Sam came up I had cleaned everything up and was waiting for her laying on the bed she looked exhausted.

_Carl's can we talk?_

_Yea baby what's going on? I need to talk to you to but go on.._

_I can't even I don't even know where to start ..please don't hate me or get disgusted_

_Sam I can never hate you ...what is it?_

_Are you okay? They didn't catch you high did they? You told me you quit_

_I did quit...no that's not it ...Carly I'm.._

_Go first Carly give me a minute I need to compose myself..._

_Okay Sam tonight..._


	48. Chapter 48 A New Way To Bleed

**New Way To Bleed**

**Sam's P.O.V**

_Go first Carly give me a minute I need to compose myself..._

I was so scared how could I tell my best friend of so many years who I looked up to admired and constantly sought approval from that not only was I gay but I was in love with her? Only a few hours ago I was so happy Tori and I had watched this amazing movie on the Logo channel about these two girls who had been carrying on a love affair one girl was 15 one was 18 and the younger girls parents were strict with her so she was afraid to tell them so they saw each under the one girl's parents nose she was conflicted with so many emotions tell and risk alienation or keep quiet and be happy even if there was a part of her unhappy. I was crying by the middle and Tori was holding me and kissing me telling me it was okay. The movie got even sadder the girls parents died in a freak accident she never got to tell them so she went through life wondering what if she had would they have accepted her? By close to the ending I knew I couldn't keep this a secret any longer. I had to tell. I wanted to Tori took me home she asked me three times if I was sure I was without even stopping I grabbed her hand and we went up Spencer was shocked and angry that I had lied at first he wasn't happy she was so much older but he respected that she had helped me change my life and he told me he loved me no matter who I loved or what I did. He was scared it would come back to haunt my probation if it got out, but he assured me it didn't matter if I was straight gay, bi ,trans he loved me and would protect me. He encouraged me all evening to tell Carly and I was feeling so amazing I worked up the courage. Maybe things would change maybe we could be happy maybe she would accept me hell maybe she would even love me and these dreams wouldn't be just dreams..

_Okay Sam tonight..._

_Wow I can't believe I am saying this …_

_TJ and I made love.._

Kill me now...My heart tore in half I could feel it slowly bleeding away my happiness as it came crashing down , I felt the tears threaten me chocking me ...she hugged me she was so happy and I just wanted to die...

_I feel it coming over me.  
>I'm still a slave to these dreams.<br>Is this the end of everything?  
>Or just a new way to bleed?<em>

_I drifted far beyond the end.  
>Freedom, freedom.<br>Can't you feel the ground caving in?  
>Freedom.<br>Give us a reason to believe again._

_I feel it coming over me.  
>I'm still a slave to these dreams.<br>Is this the end of everything?  
><em>

_Or just a new way to bleed? _

Courage wasn't the road to freedom after all just a new name for a new kind of hell.


	49. Chapter 49 Oceans

**Oceans**

**Sam's P.O.V**

The walls were closing in around me my face was on fire my chest was closing in. I couldn't breathe my head was swimming and I was drowning. She had made love to him he had put his hands on her amazing body he had kissed her breasts she had moaned at his touch ..I was never going to be her first, I would never get to feel her body on mine. Feel her soft breath on my check as I made her moan in pleasure.

The tears over came me as I ran along the blocks.. it wasn't enough she had broken my heart last week by telling me this I had to sleep next to her every night after that while she talked about how amazing he was in bed how hard his abs were how it felt to have him inside of her. She had done it she had found a new way for me to bleed.

I needed a escape my razors were temporary I couldn't tell Spencer he would kill her and TJ and I couldn't hurt her even if she had broken me.

New Years was pure hell TJ was there he was holding her kissing her whispering to her she had a glow to her even more then ever. She had changed after their shared experience I knew it. As we counted down and made promises for the next year all I saw was a bleak road of nothing. She had almost given me a heart attack when she pulled me to her at midnight and kissed me straight on the lips. I stumbled back as she grabbed TJ and kissed him.

Her kiss stayed on my lips all night it kept me awake I knew she had just done it out of excitement and the moment she didn't mean it she would never love me like that.

School was a blur all morning people kept coming up talking about our iCarly holiday special who got what for Christmas and who did what. I felt sick and tired and I couldn't care about anything to make things worse I went to the bathroom and ran smack into Laura who had just gotten out of Juvie and was reassigned to Ridgeway. She shoved me against the ground as I pounded her face while she laughed whispering she would have me whenever she wanted me or she would hurt Carly.

By third period I left.

Carly Freddie and Gibby were blowing up my cell I turned it off as I pounded on Ryan's door. He opened it up and looked me up and down grinning .

_Sam girl what brings you around here why aren't you in school?_

I told him everything as he gave me a glass of some kind of cocktail, I started to feel dizzy as I felt him nibble on my ear he was asking me if I liked how I was feeling when I nodded he seemed pleased as he put his whole weight on me. He slipped something on my tongue and I felt myself start to get fuzzy as he whispered ..

_You want more?_

_Yes Ryan please_

_I don't have any money..I just.._

_Shh baby you don't need money you have what I want right here..._

_I don't understand what can I give to you.._

_Your body baby shh.._

He took my shirt off and removed my bra I wanted to scream to tell him to stop that I didn't want this that he was making me uncomfortable but I was frozen my mind had started to shut down and my arms wouldn't fight...I felt him enter me but I couldn't scream.

I let my mind go numb as he did things to me I felt dirty and used I felt sick but I craved the sweet escape the drugs offered so I bared what he did. Over and over after every hit he entered me and made me please him. He had so many positions he wanted me in I didn't even know they existed. In the end I was raw and bloody and sick.

He wouldn't give me anything more then what would last a day to take home he wanted me to be his little slave and it killed me I was turning into my mom more and more. I wanted to stop but I needed the drugs. I needed to kill the pain of watching Carly and TJ making love in the living room when Spencer went to Socko's and she thought I was asleep. I couldn't take hearing them talk about gay rights and how Carly was grossed out by the idea of two girls marrying or two boys being able to raise a child.

Seeing their naked bodies laying on the couch as he wrapped her up in his arms made me ill the tears didn't stop as I sat on the steps coming off of a high with nothing to take away the pain. My vision blurred as I saw her move on top of him her cover falling off of her revealing her soft tender pink nipples which TJ covered with his right hand while his left rested on her butt squeezing it causing her to moan and giggle.

I covered my mouth and ran to her bathroom where I projected my meals in to the toilet sinking down on the floor breathing fast and hard as the tears finally came I grabbed my razor I didn't care anymore.

The cold metal sliding across my warm flesh pinched and burned as it tore open the delicate skin Crimson red dripped down from my arms. Tears poured down I sliced again and again as my thoughts ran wild ,loser, slut, hypocrite, dyke, who would love someone as stupid and ugly as me?

The thoughts ran through like a tidal wave so far lost in the ocean that it could never reach shore it was a jumble of winds undertows and waves all building up for the storm that would never get to reach it's full potential.

Tori just wanted me for sex Ryan wanted me for sex all Laura just wanted someone to bully my mom and her men wanted me for was sex..I wasn't worth anything why should I keep living?

The metal made quick work over my other arm...what kind of life could I have? A empty pathetic one that's what I was a criminal I was everyone's little toy and I was sick of it.

By the time Carly came to bed I was already there my cuts covered up. I stiffened when she got it she couldn't even bother to take a shower could she? I had to smell him on her perfect skin. I felt her wrap her arms around me and I wanted to die right there my throat was tight as she whispered goodnight to me telling me she loved me but She could never love me in the way I loved her.

_Don't wanna be the one to walk away  
>But I can't bear the thought of one more day<br>I think I finally understand what it means to be lost_

_Can't find the road to lead us out of this  
>A million miles from where we burned the bridge<br>Can't keep pretending that every thing's gonna be alright_

_With the whole world falling down on me_

_Cross the oceans in my mind  
>Find the strength to say goodbye<br>In the end you never can  
>Wash the blood from your hands <em>

_Falling so far from where we were before  
>You'll never find what you've been searching for<br>Something to __fill__ the void and  
><em>_Make up__ for all of those missing pieces of you_

_Like I could only dream to do_

_Cross the oceans in my mind  
>Find the strength to say goodbye<br>Everything we believed in was a lie  
>Cross the oceans in your mind<br>Find a way to to blur the line  
>In the end you never can<br>Wash the blood from your hands_

_Oh, we never learn  
>So we fall down again<br>Hurt me, hurt me  
>Find your way to dream within this nightmare<em>

_Cross the oceans in my mind  
>Find the strength to say goodbye<br>Everything we believed in was a lie  
>Cross the oceans in your mind<br>Find a way to to blur the __line__  
>In the end you never can<br>Wash the blood from your hands _


	50. Chapter 50 Breathe No More

**Breathe No More**

**Sam's P.O.V**

**{A/N the dark Italic are the lyrics from Breathe No More By Evanescence] **

_Why won't he call me Sam!_

_God it's been over a month _

_Why would he ignore my calls?_

_Sam!_

_What? Carly Geez _

_Sam this is serious Chiz TJ and I made love 6 times and he hasn't called was he just using me?_

_This can't be happening to me!_

_Damn it why won't he call?_

_Ladies be quiet! Get into Positions!_

My head was pounding and I felt sick Spencer had been having family night for the last three days so I hadn't been able to see Ryan or get my supply. Carly was freaking out over TJ which was given me a stinking headache even worse then before. I felt sorry for her it was plain to see this jerk had used her but right now I had other issues I had warned her hadn't I?

I couldn't wait for this dance class to end I needed to lay down so damn bad my legs felt weak I hadn't exactly been hungry in weeks so I was running on empty. Not to mention my whole lower half was in agony between Ryan and Tori I was having sex every stinking day and I wasn't sure how much more I could take.

_I mean seriously what kind of jerk does that? _

_I thought we shared something so special _

_I gave myself to him Sam how could he just …_

_Sam!_

_I'm listening Carly I just don't want to get in trouble_

_Since when do you care about that!_

_Since I'm on probation for the hundredth time_

_Girls do you have something to share with the class?_

_No Ma'am_

_Carly?_

She opened her mouth to say something but gagged covering her mouth her eyes went wide as she ran out.

Everyone started to gasp and whisper our teacher looked at me. I shrugged and went into the bathroom to check on her.

_Carly?_

_Carly where are yo..._

The sound of wrenching filled the air as I heard her vomiting she was hunched over the bowel. I grabbed her hair and pulled it back. Rubbing her back as she projected her breakfast from the morning inside the bowel.

_Carly what's wrong? _

_Baby I'm sorry I snapped are you okay?_

_Don't stress out babe maybe there's a reason he hasn't called .._

_Maybe but lets be real it's like you said when guys get with a girl they only want one thing I guess he got what he wanted ...I should of prepared for this..._

_No baby you couldn't see it coming he seemed really sweet and like he cared about you I swear I am going to kill him for doing this to you no one will ever disrespect my girl and live.._

_Oh god I'm going to be sick again Sam.. _

_I'm here for you sweetie relax.._

_Thanks for helping me yesterday Sam there was no way I was able to drive home_

_Sure Carls you feeling better? _

_Not as bad still not great though_

_Maybe you should go see a doctor? _

_Yea I may have to do that _

_Please don't tell Spencer_

_Why he'll have to go with you_

_Yea I know I just don't want to worry him_

_Makes sense I guess let me know if you need anything I'm here for you baby_

_Thanks hun_

I leaned over and kissed her check as the bell rang she smiled as she pulled me into a hug.

_Go see Principle Franklin hun I don't want you in any more trouble_

_Thanks Carl's try to relax I'm sure TJ doesn't mean to ignore you_

_Yea hope so _

I ran off leaving her at our lockers almost knocking the nub over as I headed to the office.

**Carly's P.O.V**

This couldn't be happening no way ..How could this be true? Me Carly Shay Miss I have my whole life planned out before me.

_Carl's?_

_You okay ?_

_Hey Freddie _

_What was with Sam? She almost plowed me over going to the office_

_Yea sorry she got some message that she was needed in the office like yesterday_

_Okay you alright? _

_Yea I just haven't been sleeping well so I think I'm just coming down with something_

_Carly don't take this wrong but you don't look well_

Why did the concern in his voice suddenly make me well up with tears no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop the tears from pouring down.

_Carly what happened?_

_No..t..._

_Don't tell me nothing baby your crying_

_Damn it.._

I tried to wipe away the tears but they fell faster and faster the harder I wiped making my shoulders shake and my chest tight. Freddie was by me in a instant as he pulled me to his chest rubbing my back.

_Lets go Carls I think we need a break_

_We can't skip ..we have.._

_Shh will go to the nurse_

_o..k..a..y.._

Freddie was easy to talk to as soon as he found out I didn't have a fever he started questioning me and I broke crying into his arms which were a lot stronger then I remembered.

His reaction was just like Sam's he wanted TJ dead and he wanted to be the one to put a fist through his face.

Freddie was more logical though once he calmed down he simply kissed my head and told me to just confront TJ.

Which seemed to be the most sane thing instead of just worrying and making up things in my head finding out the truth was the best thing I could do.

_Thanks Freddie_

_Whenever you need me Carly I know we had a rough few months Carl's and I am sorry for my part in this but I love you and I when ever you need me I will show up for you._

_I know Freddie and believe me I appreciate it so much.._

Before we headed to class I leaned up and kissed him softly on his lips.

_Freddie I really wanted.._

_Oh Freddie!_

_Nurse Vullen Freddie fainted!_

**Sam's P.O.V**

_Good afternoon Sam_

_Hi Ted_

_Sam.._

_I know it's Principle Franklin so why am I here I haven't done anything wrong_

_I am aware of this fact Sam your not in trouble_

_I brought you here because I am concerned about you_

_Why?_

_One of our teachers saw you hanging around downtown late at night with a much older guy who she recognized from a lineup that her boyfriend brought home this guy.._

He set down a picture of Ryan in front of me I swallowed he looked rougher in that picture facial hair on his chin.

_I have no idea what you are talking about sir I never saw this guy before who ever told you this chiz they need their vision checked._

_Sam please don't lie this guy is dangerous_

_He's wanted in California for a brutal murder according to police he was involved in a drug trafficking ring that he used underage girls he used these girls to sell drugs to he got them hooked and he got what he wanted form them..he's wanted on 36 charges of sexual assault and rape he's not a nice guy he killed a women out in La . Sam I trust the person who told me I want you to know what can happen if you see this guy. Sam your on probation if you get caught you will go straight to juvie. The police are watching him now Sam becareful._

_I get that your worried but really I am fine thanks I have to go now.._

I was breathing hard as I ran out how could he be guilty of this? Ryan was a good guy I mean he was a business man he did what he had to just to get by. I wasn't crazy about how he did his trade with me but it did get me what I needed.

_Sam babe whats wrong?_

_Rodney man thank god I need you_

_What's up Puckett?_

_What drugs you got?_

_What ya need?_

_Crack I need something bad _

_You in withdrawal?_

_Seriously tripping_

_What can I get from it?_

_What do you want?_

_Got tickets to tonight's Lakers?_

_You know I always do_

_I'll take them_

He shot me up as he took the tickets from my pants pocket. I felt the drugs going through my system and I relaxed pulling out a flask I washed down some pills. I found on the locker room floor I knew what they were LSD. He left as I pulled a razor out I saw my reflection in it I smiled starting at it far too long it all blurred together but I knew one thing for sure I was to far gone from this world to matter to anyone all Carly cared about was her stupid TJ. Freddie was in love with Carly, Tori was in love with her music and Spencer well I would never really be his would I besides once he saw what a failure I was he would be done with me ? I watched my reflection dance in the sunlight on the blade and slowly I slide it across my wrist.

_**I've been looking in the mirror for so long.  
>That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.<br>All the little pieces falling, shatter.  
>Shards of me, <strong>_

Slowly my breathing became normal

_**Too sharp to put back together.  
>Too small to matter,<strong>_

The blood dripped down and splattered all around small drops turned into big piles and Big drops smeared as they ran down the blade and fell on the sidewalk.

_**But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.  
>If I try to touch her <strong>_

Touching a picture of Carly I felt the tears fall she would never love me I had to face reality what did I have without her?

It hurt to even think about it.. I saw my cell blink I had a voice mail what the hell I pressed play and heard my P.O's voice..

_Sam I need to see you it's about your test you passed _

_but something came up..babe your pregnant you have options but we need to discuss this come see me _

_After school will run another test to be sure. _

The tears fell harder I knew the truth now...

**_Too sharp to put back together.  
>Too small to matter,<em>  
><em>But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.<br>If I try to touch her _**

_**And I bleed,  
>I bleed,<br>And I breathe,  
>I breathe no more. <strong>_

I cut again and again what did it matter any more? My life was over...

I found the strength to get up I had to talk to Ryan .

_Sam again skipping school?_

_Come on in girl it's freezing out there_

_I know I'm frozen_

_I'll warm you up lets go inside _

He closed the door and took my hand pulling me inside letting my coat fall. I settled down by where he had some acid lit up he handed me a pipe and started to feel my hips in between his hands slowly as he took off my shirt and started kissing my breasts. I let the acid fill me up as I grabbed a bottle of beer he laid me down as I started to get dizzy. I felt him unzip my pants I felt his tongue over my legs I didn't care he entered me I felt nothing I was too far gone now.

He was pounding me so hard the floor was shaking but I just kept drinking it took away the pain I was in a different world. I had to be sick just like my mom there was no hope for me why should I pretend otherwise? Why listen to all the lies that everyone told me that I was worth something?

_**Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.  
>Yet again you refuse to <strong>__**drink**__** like a stubborn child.  
>Lie to me,<br>Convince me that I've been sick forever.  
>And all of this,<br>Will make sense when I get better.  
>But I know the difference, <strong>_

Still I wanted to be better I didn't want to be like her she was sick and I didn't want to be sick.

I barely looked up when I saw the door fly open and Tori came in with her gun I looked at her she gasped..

_Sam!_

_What are you doing here!_

_I .._

I couldn't speak I was too dizzy too sick too wasted too whatever...

_What did you do to her you sick son of a bitch.._

_I only gave her what she wanted …._

_What do you think your going to do Veronica?_

_I know you killed Cat's sister and you will pay_

_You wouldn't do that now Tori what will you do without me? I am your bread maker.._

_Go to hell …_

_Tori don't..._

She pulled the trigger I didn't scream as he fell going limp the blood poured from his head .I should be scared out of my mind he was killed right in front of me while he was in me but I wasn't strangely I was relieved.

_Sam we have to get out of here lets go now.._

_I can't move..._

She was on me in seconds helping me up pulling him off of me and grabbing my clothes. I wasn't sure how she got out of the apartment without being seen but she had me in the car and back to her place within less then 10 minutes.

Tori put me in a bath and washed me off .

Laying in bed with her she made me tell her everything I should have been crying. I should have been hysterical but I was so calm it scared even me.

_Sam I have to get out of here the cops are going to be on me in days_

_I wasn't expecting to see you there_

_Sorry Tori_

_It's not your fault baby look I need to know will you turn me in?_

_No baby I wouldn't do that_

I ran my fingers over her face searching for her eyes she was scared I could see it leaning up I pulled her to me and kissed her. She stopped us from going further and pushed me down.

_Sam your wasted I can't not this time you need to sober up you can't go to your P.O this time..._

_Yea she's already riding me and I can't ask Carly again she already did it three last week for me_

_Stay here I need to get rid of things Zac went to cover up anything at the scene_

_He knew?_

_Yea he was Cat's sister's fiancee he was the one helping me plan this the whole time I just never wanted you to be involved._

_Sorry I …_

_Feel sick.._

I ran into the bathroom barely making it in time before I threw up every where. She held my hair and cleaned me up when I was done. Looking in the mirror I wondered how I had gotten here where had my life gone so messed up that I lost who I was that bright caring girl that Carly always told me I was under my facade? Was she lost forever?

_**Between myself and my reflection.  
>I just can't help but to wonder,<br>Which of us do you **__**love**__**.  
>So I bleed,<br>I bleed,  
>And I breathe,<br>I breathe no. **_

Laying down and drinking water were the only things that seemed to help. She talked to me as she kept me from freaking out the room was slowly starting to come into focus as everything was coming to me and hitting me.

I stared at my cell as a message came in ..

_It's your Mom Sam don't believe what Spencer said I do love you and I want you back_

_Hey Sam it's Mel I'm home come see me_

I was in shock what did she mean she wanted me back she signed her rights away why would she want me to be arrested for violating of my parole if she loved me?

Did the judge mean I couldn't see Mel? Was she apart of that?

I texted back

_I can't go back home Mel tell mom it's against my parole _

Within minutes I got a reply

_Mom says she talked to your P.O she'll be here to supervise it's okay to see me_

_She says you just have to show up and it'll prove you love us.._

I sighed showing Tori she looked doubtful but left it up to me.

_I have to leave Sam tonight Zac and I are out of here come with us will help you start a new life no mom to screw with your head no one to judge you..it'll be great baby._

_Meet us at 11 tonight by the football stadium at your school if your not there were leaving._

Another text came in I sighed looking at it..

_Sam hurry Mom has lost it she's going to hurt me she says you have 15 minutes to get your ass here and save me or she's going to kill me! Please help me!_

_**And I breathe,  
>I breathe,<br>I breathe-  
>I breathe no more. <strong>_


	51. Chapter 51 Missing

**Missing**

**Carly's P.O.V**

**{A/N once again dark lyrics are Missing by Evanescence]**

_**Please, please forgive me,  
>But I won't be home again.<br>Maybe someday you'll look up,  
>And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:<br>"Isn't something missing? **_

I was breathing fast and tears were falling down as I stood on TJ's porch Wendy's words replaying in my head as I tried to do anything to stop the words from playing like a merry go round inside my brain.

_He was with another girl Carly I saw him with my own eyes she had darker hair then you and she was tall they were hugging in the park._

No TJ couldn't be cheating on me not now not after what I went through this afternoon.

Damn it answer I was pounding on his door so hard my hand was bruising..

_Carly What are you doing here?_

_Lea where's TJ ?_

_I need to talk to him!_

_He's not here Carly and it's not a good time_

_I don't care what kind of time it is I need to talk to him!_

I shoved past her and collapsed on the kitchen floor pain shooting through my whole body as the sobs racked it.

_Carly what's wrong?_

_Please I need to see TJ _

_Carly I wish I could help you I just.._

_Lea it's okay I'm here_

I was huddled on the floor knees to my chest as he walked in with the other girl..my vision was fuzzy but she looked familiar.

Lea shrugged looking at him he nodded as the other girl went into the living room with Lea . TJ sat by

me and cuddled me.

_Where have you been Damn it why haven't you returned my calls?_

_Just tell me is it true are you cheating on me?_

He sat silently by me it drove me insane I swallowed feeling sick again.

_Just give me the truth TJ _

_I need to know did you just use me to get what you wanted?_

_I can handle it I can't handle this..._

I motioned to him sitting there not saying anything.

_**You won't cry for my absence, I know -  
>You forgot me long ago.<br>Am I that unimportant...?  
>Am I so insignificant...?<br>Isn't something missing?  
>Isn't someone missing me <strong>_

_Don't you miss me TJ? Was I even important to you at all? _

_Damn it I gave you my virginity it's not something I take lightly!_

_I didn't plan to have sex TJ _

_I needed to focus on my grades _

_I needed to get into a great college_

_I didn't have plans to fall in love but I did I fell in love with you was it just one sided?_

_Was I just some little side project for you? _

My words were filled with venom as he sat there watching me rant and rave never saying anything in his defense. My mind was beginning to see that Wendy was right ..he didn't love me. I was just some trophy to him he played the game and he won I was just the sacrifice on his way to victory.

_**Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
>You won't try for me, not now. <strong>_

He wasn't even trying to prove me wrong he wasn't telling me he loved me he wasn't saying I was acting crazy. He just stood with his hands in his pockets looking down as the tears poured from my eyes and my breathing was in sharp jagged fragments.

_**Though I'd die to know you **__**love**__** me,  
>I'm all alone.<br>Isn't someone missing me **_

He didn't miss me cause he never loved me did he? I was stupid for thinking he did just because I had sex with him.

_**Please**__**, please forgive me,  
>But I won't be <strong>__**home**__** again.  
>I know what you do to yourself,<br>I breathe deep and cry out,  
>"Isn't something missing?<br>**__**Isn't someone missing me?" **_

_Say something damn it ? _

_Did I mean that little to you god _

_I can't believe I was so fucking stupid that_

_I fell for a pig like you! _

_Sam was so right I should of run the moment I saw you _

_I just wanted to be loved that's all I ever asked for was it too much for you to be honest with me? Huh was it?_

_Carly I.._

_Save it TJ I get it now _

_I was the sacrifice you wanted your career and _

_I was standing in the way it was great while it lasted huh? _

_You got on iCarly you got seen and they loved you now it's hello Hollywood and good-bye Carly …_

_How wonderful for you I hope it was worth it.._

_**And if I bleed, I'll bleed,  
>Knowing you don't care.<br>**_

_I hope you dream of me TJ cause that's all I will ever be to you now just a dream were done _

_**And if I sleep just to dream of you  
>I'll wake without you there,<br>Isn't something missing?  
>Isn't something...<strong>_

I headed for the door tears burning my very soul..

_Carly wait!_

_Forget it TJ_

_By the way TJ congratulate yourself .._

He stared at me...

_You did it right you got me to love you got me in bed and the grand prize _

_I'm pregnant.._

_Carly I'm dying..._

_**Isn't something missing?  
>Isn't something...<strong>  
><em>


	52. Chapter 52 Whisper

**Whisper **

**Sam's P.O.V**

**[A/N Dark words Lyrics To Whisper By Evanescence]**

_**Catch me as I fall  
>Say you're here and it's all over now<br>Speaking to the atmosphere  
>No one's here and I fall into myself<br>This truth drives me  
>Into madness<br>I know I can stop the pain  
>If I will it all away<br>**_

I stole a car and sped through the streets the cops were on me in seconds but I didn't care. I had to get to Mel she wouldn't lie to me would she? Was mom playing a cruel trick on me? Was I falling for a trap?

_**Don't turn away  
>(Don't give in to the pain)<br>Don't try to hide  
>(Though they're screaming <strong>__**your name**__**)  
>Don't close your eyes<br>(God knows what lies behind them)  
>Don't turn out the light<br>(Never sleep never die)  
><strong>_

I use to run from this house to escape this hell but now I was running to it with a 48 revolver in my jeans.

I ran through every red light every stop sign the roads were blurry to me as I tried to see where I was going. My head was spinning and my breathing was crazy but I did it. I pulled up to see that the house was in flames. Mom was standing there with her arm around Mel's throat a gun to her head. The neighbors were all outside looking at them. I jumped out of the car and stopped cold as I saw her eyes which were cold and lifeless she was drunk and high Mel was scared so bad she had wet herself her eyes were pleading me with me.

_Mom let her go please!_

_I'm here I showed up please just let her.._

_Too late Sami too late.**.**_

_**I'm frightened by what I see  
>But somehow I know<br>That there's much more to come  
>Immobilized by my fear<br>And **__**soon**__** to be  
><strong>__**Blinded by tears  
>I can stop the pain<br>**__**If I will it all away  
><strong>_

With that she slammed the door the house was engulfed in seconds. I saw them through the window in the living room two gun shots filled the air. Mel's eyes went wide as her blood splattered against the window. I screamed as I sank to the ground .

Someone pulled me away as the house exploded ..

_**Fallen angels at my feet  
>Whispered voices at my ear<br>Death before my eyes  
>Lying next to me I fear<br>She beckons me  
>Shall I give in<br>Upon my end shall I **__**be**___

Voices were all around me calling to me. I couldn't answer I was paralyzed by fear I was sickened with the reality of what I had just saw.

Someone had helped me up as I fell against the car getting sick all over I heard the words..

_Shock ...Needs help..hyperventilating..call the police..._

No police I couldn't be caught they couldn't find me.. I needed an escape...

_**Forsaking all I've fallen for  
>I rise to meet the end<strong>_

_**[Chorus x3]  
>Servatis a periculum [save us from danger].<br>Servatis a maleficum [save us from evil]. **_

I knew where I needed to go .


	53. Chapter 53 Tourniquet

**"Tourniquet"**

**[Dark Lyrics to ****"Tourniquet"** **by Evanescence ]**

_**My God my tourniquet  
>Return to me salvation<br>My God my tourniquet  
>Return to me salvation<br>**_

Life flashes by seconds tick into into minutes which turn into hours which become days ,weeks go into months which become years. Sometimes you feel like your standing on the edge with no way to look but down. That no matter how hard you try to rise above it all the currents will always rise up and sweep you up pulling you down.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird . I could just spread my wings and let the winds take me away high above it all. Above all the pain and suffering of this world , sure I would be sad to leave her behind. I mean she was the person who understood me the one who I always ran to when Chiz became too hard she was the one who I always sought comfort from day in day out, the one I waited patiently for in the back round while she loved another. I played the part of her goofy best friend long before we ever met.

_**Do you remember me  
>Lost for so long<br>Will you be on the other side  
>Or will you forget me<br>I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
>Am I too lost to be saved<br>Am I too lost? **_

It's hard to sit idyll by when your a teenager with hormones and a heart so full of love, lust , longing desire knowing she'll never love you back. At least not in the same way you have loved her praying hoping that just once she'll see the need in your eyes and reciprocate but it never comes and each day your hope gets dashed till your heart becomes so numb and so hardened by life's cruelty that you just can't take it anymore. You realize that after your gone no one will miss you her life will a lot easier when your gone she won't have you to worry about. So you grab a water bottle and wash down some of those little helpers Rip off Rodney gave to you. Your not thinking rationally when you grab the 48 revolver your minds a bit fuzzy between the helpers and the Ecstasy, the tequila your legs are a bit sore as you climb on top of the bridge the traffic is whizzing by down below you can feel the metal shaking and groaning from the speed. Their like toys from this high up they almost don't look real but they are you can feel the wind from them whipping by. You see your life flashing by as you stand on the edge your fingers gripping so tight their turning a scary shade of white there's a tight pain in your head as the memories of the 3 of you go by good times , bad times your numb your not thinking about what you are going to do you can't think cause then you might chicken out and your sick of being a chicken.

_**My God my tourniquet  
>Return to me salvation<br>My God my tourniquet  
>Return to me salvation<strong>_

_**I want to **__**die**__**! **_

Swallow don't look down it won't hurt think about the freedom spreading your wings flying high above it all. 1...2 slowly you inch above your fingers are cramped and sore a bit bloody your feeling sick..Tears blind you your face burns and your sweating ..Your ears are pounding and the rush of traffic grows mute ...You take one hand away from the curb and lift Your hand up the gun is cold against your sore fingers you wrap your finger around the trigger take a deep breath it's now or never '

_**'Pop**_"

_**I tried to kill the pain  
>But only brought more<br>So much more  
>I lay dying<br>And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
>I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming<br>Am I too lost to be saved  
>Am I too lost?<br>**_

Pain blinds you...Your legs start to give way ..Your rushing...Falling...A scream calls out..But it's too late..

_**Your Fate Is Sealed...**_

_**My wounds cry for the grave  
>My <strong>**soul**** cries for deliverance  
>Will I be denied Christ<br>Tourniquet  
>My suicide <span>**_


	54. Chapter 54 Last Song I'm Wasting On You

**Last Song I'm Wasting On You**

**Freddie's P.O.V**

The sounds of blood curdling screams filled the air as a single gun shot filled my ears she turned to meet my eyes just as her face drained all life. Her lips parted to say something but they never made a sound her legs gave out we screamed.

_**Sparkling Grey,  
>They're my own veins.<br>Any more than a whisper,  
>Any sudden movement of my heart.<br>And I know, I know I'll have **__**to watch**__** them pass away**_

My heart was beating so hard I felt it in my head which was pounding so hard it made me dizzy it couldn't be happening no this couldn't be real?

The screams of her besides me as her best friend took her life in front of me however told me it was but how could it happen like this? Kids weren't suppose to die.

There's something that is just so wrong with a child dying. I mean not that were invincible like we think we are were not were humans and every human young or old can be hurt we all bleed we all suffer.

Yet kids were suppose to be the future our lives are suppose to be the ones leading the way we have so many hopes so many dreams we are the spark of life the blaze that can set the way for so many amazing inventions , music, dance, life changing moments. We can't do it alone though and if we don't have the helping hands that grownups are suppose to provide we can feel hopeless worthless like there's no point in breathing anymore.

_**Just get through this day  
><strong>_

I watched as the sun hit her hair it sparkled against the out reached rays

_**Give up your way, you could be anything,  
>Give up my way, and lose myself, not today<br>That's too much guilt to **__**pay**_

My throat closed up as I saw her hands slip away the gun fall from her grip and her mouth open again a small cry escaped ..I wanted to scream but I couldn't the one beside me was doing more then I could ever she fell to the pavement screaming no over and over yelling at God as she dissolved into tears.

The guilt over came me how did I miss these signs?

_**Sickened in the sun  
>You dare tell me you love me<br>But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die  
>Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way<strong>_

My eyes filled with tears of helplessness and pain as her eyes caught mine her face her hair all of what made her so amazing god she looked pretty even with the blood draining out of her body.

_**You're just so pretty in your pain **_

_**Give up my way, and I could be anything  
>I'll make my own way<br>Without your senseless hate... hate... hate... hate.**_

_**So run, run, run  
>And hate me, if it feels good.<br>I can't hear your screams anymore **_

My mind went numb I couldn't hear anything all I saw was her falling her blood splattered against the metal that she had clung to so tight .. around me time stopped existing. Her eyes haunted me so empty when they were once so full of life hope and dreams.. dreams that would never be fulfilled anymore.

_**You lied to me  
>But I'm older now<br>And I'm not buying baby**_

She had lied to me she had promised me we would always be together through thick and thin we were the three musketeers. Maybe she thought I would understand when I was older but in my mind I would never understand this senseless tragedy. I would never buy any excuse as far as I was concerned she had lied through her own selfish pain she never thought of any of us .

_**Demanding my response  
>Don't bother breaking the door down<br>I found my way out**_

She had found her way out from whatever pain she was in for what ever she found too painful to face she had escaped and with her she took my very soul. 

_**And you'll never hurt me again. **_

No one would ever hurt me again not now my heart was broken and it could never be repaired to be broken again.

My mind snapped back as the wind ripped through the flimsy metal bridge and I heard the screams again my eyes flashed I caught her eyes as they closed for the last time.

_No!_

I screamed the sudden movement made it's way to my feet as I raced forward throwing the girl clinging to me crashing to the ground.

Her legs gave out and she paralleled forward racing to the highway below.

I was too late I had shown up just like I had promised her I would always but I was too late..

_Carly No!_

She was gone...

The love of my life was gone from my view fallen into to the cold hard pavement.


End file.
